Our son moved back home at my request a year ago. I was trying to go back to work after a family medical leave and daycare didn't work out. Long story, short...DH entered a facility last April and now my son has moved to Pa. for a job opportunity. I'm very happy for him. He put his life on hold for a year to help us out. BUT, living alone is just so darn weird. I have never lived completely alone. From parents to marraige to alone.
I can't say it's all bad. Aside from visiting John and work obligations I can do whatever I want. I can start cooking at 7:30 and eat at 9:00 or not cook at all. I can accept invites from friends or stay home and read for hours. Remembering to leave a light on, no conversation, no commimgs and goings and no one else to concider is the weird part.
I guess the part about "from parents to marraige to alone" is life's path for most of us with or without AD. I'll just put my big girl panties on and deal with it. Would anyone like to share their experiences of being alone for the first time? I'd appreciate hearing from you here or by e-mail. Thanks. xox cs
cs, count me in as one who went from parent's to marriage to alone. I am not unhappy at all. Of course, I wish my husband were healthy and alive and could enjoy this time in our life, but he is not so I am having enough fun and enjoyment for both of us.
The quiet in the house, the ability to do as one pleases, the absence of other people's messes and problems are all part of the "new" life.
Life is what you make of it.....! I choose to make the most of it......!
Cathy-like you and Sandi* I was never alone. Quite content to be taken care of. Always feeling not complete because I was enjoying being dependant on my husband to do the worrying. I also had a very successful career. As my husband started showing symptoms of FTD I had to start picking up the pieces. I found I enjoyed being self contained. Bought a car on my own, redid the house with no fear of rages from my husband. He is now in a dementia facility because of extreme rages and safety issues. My counter tops are always clean, the toilet seat down and I can do what I want when I want. This isn't the way our lives should have gone. He should have enjoyed retirement, meeting our grandchild and gone on evening walks with me. I have lots of friends and too many activities. My heart still aches when I see couples just being together and not realizing how lucky they are.
I also went from parents to marriage to alone. It has been 7 weeks for me being a widow. We were married 54 years. Weird to think of myself as a "widow" when I am filling out forms. I can relate to both cs and Sandi's comments. It is getting easier with the "aloneness" and my plans now are to follow in Sandi's footsteps.
I have to say I am not unhappy either. I drive by dh gravesite weekly, I can see it from the road through the cemetary, and am deciding on the type of stone to purchase. I had been mourning his illness for the last few years and accepted that he had lost all quality of life and would not regain it. I still think of him most of the time, but not mourning - good thoughts of what his reaction would have been to foods, weather, economic woes, politics, the kids and grandkids lives, granddaughters basketball games (which he dearly loved to attend), the furnace setting, the weather, the stock market, etc. After 54 years together our lives were intermeshed with both big and trivial events.
I also go to bed when I want, cook when I want (seldom), eat when I want, go where I want, do what I want for the first time EVER.
"Life is what you make of it..! I choose to make the most of it....! I agree Sandi.
Count me in as parents, to marriage to alone. I used to tell people that I never had the opportunity to experience what it was like to live alone and do what and when I wanted. Well I now have that opportunity, I'd rather not have it but I do. I don't have to wonder if someone else wants to watch a certain tv show or if they are hungry and I should really think about fixing breakfast, after all it's only noon why would they want breakfast, I'm not even hungry. Maybe it's the orange, or muffin, or what ever else I've nibbled on all morning, but who would want to eat now. I was always wishing I could leave a clean room and come back to it and it's still be clean. Always told myself there wouldn't be any shoes laying around in the living room or an afghan thrown across a chair without being folded. I can't figure out who is doing those things now, but I still find them. Life is different now but I do have a choice on what I will do. My daughter and SIL invited me to a Chinese New Years Dinner on the 17th of this month. I told her I didn't know what I was doing that day, I may not be home. When she ask where I would be, I didn't know. I told her I may be in Chicago, or I may be visiting my sister or I may even be up north. When am I going? Maybe today, maybe tomorrow or maybe two days from now. It all depends on what I feel like doing when I wake up tomorrow.
I am now doing anything when I feel like it. Always a silver lining somewhere in this life. You just have to look for it.
Another thing I'm getting used to is, if I feel like cleaning at 9 oclock at night, I can. I don't have to worry about bothering anyone else with the noise. I don't do this very often, but when I do I can.
Wow....I really didn't expect that I would hear all these stories, all like my own. Yep, from home, to school briefly where I had LOTS of house mates, to marriage, back to mom and dad, to another marriage, to ALONE. Unlike most of you (and I know I'm not the excepotion), I didn't ever enjoy that wonderful, loving relationship with my "DH". I am happy that he isn't here. I tried to hang in there for so many years to be that "good example".....plus, I admit, I was scared of leaving, being on my own (I mean, what would I DO without an education and two of my own children to raise? I'd devoted my whole adult life to being wife and mother, for what THAT was worth). Too proud and ashamed to ask mom and dad to help me get back on my feet, which now I know they would have done. Yep, I enjoyed the "high life" with my husband, but that isn't why I stayed. I look back and realize that I had made a life apart from John with the kids, my art, church youth activities. We really had nothing in common. As he was much older than me (he is now 81 and I'm 55), I really think he married me because I was what they called "arm candy"....a young (and at that time) pretty girl). I don't think he really ever cared for me or he would have taken the responsibility to take care of my future along with the kids.
Well, about being alone....the weird thing is that when I wake up in the morning, I STILL hear voices, movement, feel like there is someone beside me, etc., when I'm still in that twilight, just waking from sleep. Then I realize I'm really all alone. and I'm disappointed for some reason. I am now trying to dig myself out of the pit of self pity and doubt about my worth that I've been in for so long. Trying hard to develop a social life, which I didn't have, wasn't allowed to have while life with John....unless it had something to do with the church. I still believe that there IS someone out there that would love me, make me feel precious, take care of me and work with me as a real partner, have fun with me. Sorry, but I woud love to find someone ideal to live out the rest of my life and make happy, unscared memories with.....and I'm GOING to try and do just that. Very soon. Find a male friend and develop the relationship over a long period of time this time around. (and have his background checked out by a P.I. Dad said that if I didn't do it, HE would!!!!! Jen.
This is the first time I'm really alone. When my first husband died, my daughter was still living at home. It's only been a month since Jean has been in the NH. I have no problem during the day, with my part=tme job and visiting Jean. He's only ten minutes away. But the evenings are very lonely. We always went out to eat most of the time. There's only one restaurant I''m comfortable going to by myself. We've been married 26 years and I have a lot of wonderful memories of cruises and other trips. I really miss him a lot but at least I can still go and see him. And, he still knows me.
I too went from living with Parents to Marraige..We just celebrated(sort of) 59 years together....Dario left us, on Jan,24th...and for the first time in my life I am alone....it will take some time to get use to this new style of living,. I always had someone to care for...and now I just have to think about ME.strange feeling...come and go as you please, eat when you want..and what you want..sleep when you want, clean when you want...It is all so different...I feel like another person, like I am in another life....I have much to do, thank-you notes are on the #1 list...then it will be gathering his thngs together, then I would like to downsize as much as possible, for the future, I would like to sell the house,...we just bought it 3 years ago...I would like to rent an apt. or condo...so I can be free to travel..Dario's family would like me to visit them in Itally, so I can rest...very seet of them....my friends in Clearwater have all asked me to come and stay a bit with them...There are also daughters to visit...and Brothers in New Jersey...I hope I can make all these dreams come true..It has been a long hard journey, as you all know....I hope I still have some energy left....for...ME