After hearing the widows and widowers here at Joan's. and by separate e-mails to me, discuss the final arrangements for their spouses and when they made them, I thought that those of us who have spouses who are nearing the end of the long goodbye could share whether or not we are making arrangements ahead of time and what is included in those arrangements. I am assuming that those who have spouses who are just beginning the journey through those whose spouses are in stage 6 are not ready to think about this as yet. I could be wrong.
As most of you know, I'm going on the caregiver cruise, and my husband will be in the Hospice Hospital while I am gone, and getting the best of care with a CNA beside him 24/7. I don't think he is that very close to the end of the road, but we never know how fast they can go. If I thought he was close, I wouldn't go on the cruise. However, I want my family to be prepared. I have my son and daughter ready to come on a moments notice if needed, and they have both informed me that I should go, relax and have fun, and that they will not contact me even if the worst happens, but meet me at the airport when I get home. They say I will need the rest to get through the days ahead, should it surprise us and come early. However, none of us expect it to happen.
This got me thinking about the funeral arrangements. Those who have pre-planned and already lost their spouses have said how much easier it was for them to not have to try to make decisions while dealing with the immediate loss of their loved one. So, based upon their advice, I have scheduled an appointment with the funeral home on Saturday to make the arrangements; I have written the rough draft of our obituaries; and when Diane died and I had to select her memorial, I also chose a double memorial for my husband and me and paid for it. When he passes, I will furnish the date of death and they will place the order.
I am not trying to be morbid, but trying to be realistic and hold on to my emotions to survive what I know is coming. If any of you would care to share your thoughts and feelings and/or the plans you have prepared, please do so!
I wrote this in order to help the readers here who have spouses in stage 7 to think about what lies ahead for us.
My daughter went with me to the funeral home so she knows all my plans. They are in place for my husband and will complete my own when the mood strikes me. I don't want to burden my family at a stressful time. It is easier when I am calm and can think straight. It is amazing how much unneeded stuff the funeral home can guilt you into thinking you need. One daughter also has copies of all legal documents.
I have talked with a funeral home. His wish was to do nothing or keep it very simple and inexpensive. So, following his wishes I have found a place that will take his body, cremate it and bury it for $995. There will be a memorial service and even that will be simple with bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace" at the end. He and I had a long standing argument about serving sandwiches for parties. He loved them and I don't eat them as I am cook, I never made them for parties. He can have them for his memorial service. His instructions for his obituary (which I have drafted) is to say "he died" and not a lot more. He did not want anything to do with "he passed to his heavenly maker" or anything like that so his obituary says he died.
I am a planner and have found that when I plan ahead, I am a lot calmer for an actual event and deal much better with the little things that come up at the time.
I believe that a funeral should reflect the person that has died and be appropriate to them. Most people won't get the irony of the cost of the cremation, the obituary and the sandwiches but thinking about them has helped me to deal better with what is coming. I can just picture the expression on his face and hear what he would say and for me that says it all. Now if I could just figure out a way to serve chocoalte ice cream and chocloate pudding that would really make it.
Very good suggestion Mary. I did the preplanning for my Mom, dh and myself a few years ago when Paul was around stage 5. I went to the Funeral Home by myself because Paul never wanted to talk about Funeral's. On the day both of them passed, I sent their clothes with them to the Funeral Home and made minor changes and updates by phone and computer. We never went to the Funeral Home until the day of visitation. Having this all done ahead was a a big relief for me. Most of my friends do not agree with me.
Basically I planned things as inexpensively as possible with the Funeral at the Funeral Home, 1 day of two times visitation, medium obituary with picture. Still, in our area that is around $9,000. I did upgrade the guestbook package to include Paul's picture on the cards at the registration desk. Just that little upgrade was an additional $80. I had Memorials to Charity, purchases Lily's for both ends of the casket and had the casket arrangement made of fresh fruits and vegetables instead of flowers. Fitting for a spouse who loved to garden.
I had decided on a gravestone but now that I am looking again, I may change my mind. I want to get that ordered before the cruise.
We will both be cremated and they are paid for. DH does not want a service so I won't have one. He really doesn't know a lot of people so it makes sense from his point of view.
I think I made my funeral arrangements a long time ago, possibly on our wedding day... Does this count?? Our 36th wedding anniversary is February 9, and I wonder.. Should I still count it as an anniversary??
just starting this process-jumping mental hurdles again but know its needing to get on the list of to do's. something i am not looking forward to for sure. divvi
In stage 6, but have known for years what DH wants--"All done in 24 hours." I've promised to get it done ASAP. He wants a plain pine box. We've agreed on cremation and own 2 plots. There is no way to be able to pre-pay, but I've been checking prices on things. Also, I've been in contact with our daughter on basic plans. We'll have a visitation time prior to the service. Then after the service there'll be the luncheon--foods he liked. Beer burgers and hot dogs; potato salad, chips, macaroni salad, chocolate sheet cake-no nuts; COFFEE, and other beverages. Private burial. I have the pictures culled, but still need to sort all those I have of him, to draw on for that time. I'm developing a file of all this which daughter and one of my sisters will know of. Also developing a list of family for obit. so will only need update. He'll have his plain pine box(urn)--either a boughten one or we'll make it. I have similar info in the works for me, to be in the file for later. When DH leaves us, there'll be enough to do dealing with his loss and his 'in denial' family. At least this is stuff that can be taken care of and gotten off my plate.
divvi, I was like you and had been avoiding doing this. I made myself call the place and they made it so easy for me. That was a very plesant surprise. Of course their motto is "no frills and keep the costs down" so we were on the same page to start with. I found this place by talking with a co-worker whose spouse died last year. She was terrific to talk with as she had a good experience with this place and what she did is close to what I was looking for.
Due to the above I went from scared, uncomfortable, some denial to dealing with it. It was worth asking the questions beforehand.
This is so hard for all of us to do. What I'm reading is that we assume we'll outlive our spouses, - who really knows. So best be prepared.
Our cremation service cost over $4000 - and that did not include the urn, because our church has special ones thatwe are required to use because they fit into the niches. The obituary was charged extra and it was $2900 +. I think they said it was like $89.00 a line. Flowers etc. were extra. Then, there were the Death Certificates...and they ran another $50. The bills keep coming. I think I've paid all of them.
I was absolutely shocked when Foster died. He was not bed bound, could still get up and around, wasn't entirely incontinent, and could understand me. Or so it seemed. I was told by his doctor that (and we'll never know for sure) the disease more than likely reached his central nervous system which is the size of a little bean...and that when that happened, he went into total organ failure.
All I ask is that everyone say that they died of Alzheimer's Disease. Too many people do not believe Alzheimer's can cause death. My hair dresser joked (only once!) that no one dies from forgetfulness. She was sooooooooooooooooo corrected, and then a year later, when Foster did die, she was so sorry and apologized again for her remark. I'm glad she remembered she was so misinformed before. If the death certificate shows Alzheimer's Disease as the cause, it will be counted in the record count that leads to the total count nationwide of people lost to this disease. Otherwise, how else would Washington know how many people died of this disease or that disease each year when they are appropriating grants for research.
We have discussed what we want, but we haven't actually arranged it. We each want to be cremated and to have a simple service at our church followed by a reception. We haven't made a decision what to do with the ashes. I'm not sure what the laws about that are in Illinois, but we have a friend who sprinkled his wife's in her garden at home, in the garden she began at our church, and in a garden near where she grew up in Georgia. I'm not sure any of that was legal. That's similar to what DH would like.
Just today made the first call -- direct (immediate) cremation with no urn, death certifs, obits, etc., will be $2700. We will have our ashes scattered here on our property. (Janet, fyi, just scatter and don't ask permission -- it's not like anybody can make us gather them back up)
Okay, you're pushing me into calling the cremation society. I have their materials but haven't followed up on it. We'll have our ashes scattered on Monhegan as I did with Helga last year. No services as far as I'm concerned.. I'll try to do something before I leave but I do have to get the taxes in order first.. Taxes before death? Everything certain.
Charlie will be cremated at his request and his ashes will be buried beside his first wife. His head stone is there (he made it himself and his name is already on it). There will be a memorial service. My plans for myself are not finalized yet but I will be buried beside my first husband. Again, the head stone is already there with my name on it.
My husband is in late stage 6 but hospice was called in 2 weeks ago due to his steep decline. I have visited a funeral home and I'm making preliminary arrangements now. I am not paying for it because it doesn't freeze the costs. It it did, I would pay but I would rather have our money working for us. I will have my husband creamated and laid to rest at National Cemetary. It is for veterans. My husband never wanted to talk about this when he was able to but I know he was very proud of his service to this country.
ok,early stage 7, I didn`t have anything done, never expected Bob to go so fast, thought I had a long time to get it all arranged, was so thankful for the funeral director he came to my house to make all the final arrangments, it was hard to do and so many things to decide on and had to keep the cost down , he didn`t charge hardly anything for his services, the entire memorial ,including cremention was around 3.000 dollars, also can pay payments, almost paid up due to alot of friends sending money, so my sugestion is get it done now while you can, it takes a alot out of you when you didn`t expect to do that task Gail
I need to figure out the headstone and would love some information before walking into a place to get it done. Where he will be will only allow a flat stone and it can only have certain dimensions but beyond that is there anything else I should know? I really hate walking into a place in total ignorance and asking questions sometimes I think that is like a sign saying "rip me off".
Ours have to be flat as well. You can have a single marker, or a double marker - you can have symbols, such as Mason, Eastern Star, a Cross, praying hands, animals, other religious symbols, or pretty much anything in two corners. You can have a vase in the middle (I got one and I keep artificial flowers - I buy them at Michael's and make the arrangement myself - to keep in there) - you include the name, (and I included a line on Diane's that said "Beloved Daughter and Sister" underneath her name), and on her third line the date of birth - date of death.
Jim wanted to go and pre-plan his funeral soon after his dx. We also talked about a headstone. We decided on a bench. There is a special significance to this. On our first date Jim took me to some rocks overlooking the ocean. We sat on that bench and watched many sunsets, storms and enjoyed lots of sunny afternoons. We have very fond memories of picnics on those rocks. So the bench seemed like a natural extension of "our" bench. It will be black granite, with our names and in for on the back and a picture of the rocks and ocean on the front, and our last name on the front of the seat.
I had an idea of what he would want, my focus was on him getting the things he wanted before he passed as opposed to his funeral. I let the nurses at hospice call the funeral home and they came out to talk to me there. During my husbands last hours I palyed all his favorite music and played the song he asked to hear just after he passed but before the funeral home took his body. Thats what he wanted and we will have a Celebration of Life this spring.Some people are able to do it in adavnce but I did at the last minute what I thought he wanted based on years of knowing him.
therrja, just as I am seeing funeral costs vary a lot across the country, the memorials will too. I got a double memorial with a vase - bronze on granite - and it was $2,300.
Susan L, I love the bench idea. You are fortunate that you have that choice. The cemeteries here want flat to the ground for maintenance, which will always take care of your places.
The funeral home here is not inexpensive. For its services, it wants $4,300 before you even think about the casket! And that doesn't include the obituary ($150), the flowers for the casket ($150), the death certificates ($80), and police escort from the Church to the cemetery ($150). I've looked at what they had for caskets, and found similar ones online for one-fourth the cost. I have chosen everything but the casket at this point, and will wait a few weeks on that choice.
I did not expect the feelings I had yesterday to overwhelm me like they did. So I wanted to do something to take my mind off of it for now - and made a dumb choice - I did our taxes! And found out that we're gonna pay...a lot...<sigh>
I'm handling my emotions better today, and I'm glad I went to the funeral home and have the arrangements in place.
The death certificates are $50 each from the town. The only advice I did hear about this was to get more than you think you will need because you will need more than you think. Maybe starting a list of who needs what on death will help.
Making the choices I have made for him had me down for a week and a half but I am glad I have made those choices and that it is done. This will be one less thing to think about when the time comes.
One interesting thing I have found. People who have been through similar situations or are going through it now are very positive and sympathetic about pre-planning and thinking it through. Those still in denial are having a hard time with me planning it. It is a comfort to me to know that I have done this and that I am prepared and I know by thinking ahead, I may not miss anything that is important.
hmmm.... I am not in denial, of that I am certain. But, I just can not bring myself to make funeral arrangements. I just can't. I have his plot at the VA memorial cemetery, but that is as far as I could go with any sort of plan.
Same here, Nikki. We have plots, vaults and headstones - have had for years, but that is as far as I am willing to plan right now. The plots are in Michigan and we are in TN, so I know there will be a viewing here for one day and then flown to Michigan for funeral and burial. We have already done that for my mom, so I know what all is involved and the approximate cost.
We had our funerals pre paid and also had cemetary plots. I still ended up paying over $3000. That included flowers, marker, open and close the grave, death cert., obituary. I'm sure there were a few more things in that figure. The marker I purchased was $800, I bought it from the funeral home. The cemetary requires flat markers made of italian marble and they also require a cross be on the marker. DH loved roses and we had a rose engraved on the marker. The cross was placed between the dates. Each cemetary has their own requirements for the marker.
Death Certificates -common institutions that will need originals no copies-
Life Ins co Credit or lending institutions employee benefits vehicle title real estate title stocks/bonds income tax returns /IRS Soc Sec Admin Banks V.A. benefits (*note you will need to provide form DD214-discharge papers to claim benefits. this takes a while so if you are military get it now. veterans website has info on how to obtain military DD214 records.
these are the main ones but even utilities can ask for death certificates to change names. divvi
Do you have to change the name on the utilities? I know I see phone books listing husbands long after they've died (a security measure for single women, I assume.)
I changed all the utilities into my name last year - just in case I have to move I won't have to pay a deposit. No problem, just took them a copy of the DPOA and they changed it on the spot. I will leave his name in the phone book (mine is not listed separately).