This is a poem written by another husband caregiver whose wife has been in a NH for last 4 years. We sit together at Church and he has been a real good friend during this last few weeks, while we have placed my DW in a NH. I will send Ray any comments you'll care to make.
ALL BY MYSELF, by Ray Morris Jr., 1/27/2010
All by myself in the morning All by myself through the night.
I sit alone in my creaky Morris chair, Playing solitaire, Wishing she was there.
All by myself every evening, Just watching the clock on the shelf. I want to let her rest her head Right here on my shoulder,
I hate growing older, All by myself.
I am trying to get Ray to join up on our message board but he likes to do research and write things he has gleaned from the Bible. It is so good to have friends like Ray and you spouces from this Blog. Love, bill
Oh, Bill, this is so sad. Nothing can take the place of your wives, I realize that, but maybe you and Ray could go out together and do something that would put a little cheer into your lives - fishing? ballgame? card playing?
How wonderful, Bill, that you've found someone going through the same thing you are. You're very lucky. This is the loneliest time of my life and it would be so good to have a friend close by to talk to who knows how I feel. I do have friends, but I feel that they only what to hear just a little bit of my problems. And, that's fine, I understand. I don't what to be the kind of person who talks about their troubles all the time. Still, it would be nice to have someone who understands.
The thing is--I don't think Ray is looking for something to fill his time, he's expressing that he needs someone to fill his being. There is that male/female thing and sometimes any m/f will do and for others, only a specific one will do. Then there is all the comfortable companionship when one is dozing in front of the TV while the other reads--it's never an empty silence when that specific one is there. It doesn't have anything to do w/AD, the world is full of people alone. Sometimes there's a match-up and other times... Personally I enjoy my 'alone' time, but when no one comes in the back door... I, too, thought we'd grow old together. For the moment, these are Ray's lonely feelings, beautifully, simply, lovingly expressed.
I went back to a 2007 Blog..Dec I think was the month and it talks to this subject. We can make a decision as to how we want to do things. I like the advice presented which in a nut shell is try to engage our spouse to do things together as long as we can but when they are unwilling for whatever reason or mood, if they can be left alone for a couple of hours then go with a friend or alone to do something to refresh yourself or if a sitter is needed get one and just go out, get a burger or shake or get your nails done or window shop or get a new pair of earrings..something to divert yourself for a couple of hours.There is a difference between loneliness and being alone...we are lonely for our loved one as he or she was but we don't have to be alone in this.
The only time I feel complete is when I'm at the facility where my DH is. I can fill the hours anyway I choose at home, it's just not the same. I have family, grandchildren, church, a dog, transportation and a house. A big lonely house. There's always a piece of the puzzle missing. There's no one here who is just for me. Have you ever been unable to sleep at night? Do you get up and walk around in the dark and peer out the window? No, we don't have to be alone in this situation, but it is so lonely. No one can take the place of your loved one. I understand exactly how Ray feels. You just have to keep on keeping on.
Mimi... Very true. I am most lonely when I am with her. That is when the void created by AD is most evident. When I am apart from her I can sometimes remember her the way she was, for just a moment. I do miss her so and she isn't even gone.
For we who shepherd the living dead the process of grieving starts way before the funeral.
ehamilton- you beat me to the post....that is my exact comment.. yes.. I missed the last three payments. Please foreclose on it!! or initiate repossession
The truth for me is that all of the above posts are true. Feeling alone is that quiet time when the only noise is the fans in you computer running or the soft breathing of your LO as you lay there next to them unable to sleep wondering what tomorrow will be like and how best to face it ALONE. Even though they are still here it is nowhere like it was or will ever be again. So rest comes slowly when you realize that the only truth is if you have faith that GOD will carry you forward through whatever the new day may bring.
Oh gosh, NO! My daughter will be devastated. When she was about 3 yrs. old she thought that Perry could see her from the tv set. Had a huge crush on him and would hide behind her hands, peek out at him and giggle.