Fayebay. You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A basic breakdown of the word caregiver (BY THE BOOK). Care (pretty easy to figure that one out) + GIVER- one who gives.... Otherwise they would be caretakers.... I watch all these nurses, personal assistants, and physical therapists, and feel the same way you do. I have thrown some of they out the door, because they make my mom scream and cry, and threaten her. OK so what if the book says to do something.... I feel rules are for fools... You need to temper the book knowledge with real life experiences. If you cannot be a caregiver to difficult patients, then I advise them to change their field career choice. Healthcare is demanding, and one needs to adapt to the person who they are caring for. FayeBay.. never accept mediocrity or tolerate an incompetent caregiver. The damage they do can sometimes cause you more grief than its worth, and sometimes it is easier to do things yourself than to undo what others have done. I have no patience for "professionals" who make my life more difficult. On the other hand, I worship those who truly help out. You are the voice of the patient, and it is ok to scream at incompetence.
Fayebay, if you're getting your caregiver from an agency, you need to let them know what's going on and ask them to send you one who is more suitable. A good agency will want to know. You may need to ask around which is the best agency in your area. I remember one year that I went through 9 caregivers: 7 my husband fought like fury, the other 2 quit. One thing for sure, somehow you've got to have help. Sometimes a male caregiver works better (although not for my husband - he accused them all of being homosexual). I know there are good ones out there, but they are hard to find. Or maybe an ad in your local paper? I'm glad we have this place to vent. I've got a vent coming on that's so huge, I have to simmer down a bit before I put it in print.
Mary75, I thought stepchildren were your biggest beef. <grin>
Fayebay, I agree with Phranque and Mary75, and I would call the agency too, and let them know that she has to either take instructions from you and do it your way or be replaced.
Mary, a letter from my lawyer to theirs in July seems to have been effective. There are still ructions, but nothing like it was. Warned by Divvi not to ever take anything for granted, I still walk looking over my left shoulder. No, my latest rant is against psychiatrists. My daughter has been on stress leave from her job since last April and, according to her, her psychiatrist told her to confront me about her anger towards me about issues from her childhood, which my daughter did while we were having dinner with Eric in the dining room at the Care Facility. Loud voice, all the way down the hallway, to his room and in his room - I finally had to tell her to leave. Had already had a horrendous day, was in pain (booked to see the my GP and physio), and this was a complete curve ball.
I agree with everyone. Get on the phone to that agency, and tell them you want someone who knows how to relate to AD patients.
Guess what? I learned everything "by the book" in my education classes, but none of it means squat when you're up against a real kid having a meltdown in the real world. Same with these "trained" CNA's or whoever the agency sends. I would think anyone with a lick of sense would realize if it's not working the way I'm doing it, I have to find a different way of doing it.
Oh FayeBay, I understand so much what you are saying here. My situation is exactly the same. When we had Hospice the aid did exactly the way you describe, she did not even want me in the room, I sneaked down the hall and saw her right up in my husbands face fighting him for the belt to his house robe. His face was was blood red from his neck up and he also cannot talk. I immediately told her NO, you will not do that to him. I calmed him down and stayed. The next time she came I took the baby monitor into the living room so I could hear her. I heard her say in a mean voice "You get up, you get up right now." I just like you had to end up doing it myself and had to get him comfortable again with me, it was like starting over. The third time she came she came down the hall and told me she could tell me right now he was not going to let her brush his teeth, she wanted in and out in 20 minutes and that does not work with him, it takes me sometimes two hours because I have to be gentle and slow. I told her I no longer needed her, not to come back.
Then we had one Hospice nurse come into our home, look at him and say right in front of him that if it were not for me if he was in a nursing home he would go off somewhere and curl up and die, needless to say she was never in my home again. Took him to respite and he came home with such an infected torn place on his arm from the way they approached him that I again had to start all over with him.
All I have to do is remember these things and it makes me more and more determined to care from him long term here in our home. I only hope I can. When someone cannot speak for themselves it is the saddest most heartbreaking of all things.
I understand FayeBay, I do understand.
So there, yes FayeBay I understand, I understand why you can't go on an errand and leave him with the bully, there is not telling what she would do, I would get someone if I could that is kind when I am around, then I would install home cameras to see that they are kind when I am away. Oh what a disease, oh what heartache, and oh what protection our loved ones need.
FayeBay just make the call and get rid of her. There is no giving her a second chance IN MY BOOK. Been there done that I went thru so many that they had to call in their"trouble shooter" and she works out fine. She is the one that the agency PAYS BIG BUCKS to keep the clients happy!!!!!!!!!!!! And we are happy!!!!!!!!!!!! The one you have now has a mean spirit and hates her job and that is not going to change. Kick her sorry butt to the curb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shellseeker50, I agree no second chances especially when you have hired the caregiver, in our case it was Hospice, I was green in the fact that I could tell them not to send the aid back, but I quickly did not care, I did not even care if the whole Hospice team left us, if that was what I had to deal with. That is the reason I have not yet gotten Hospice back, our Doctor told me in December that we could have them back at any point now but I am holding out. Don't want that kind of help.
FayeBay, I agree with the others...no second chances.
I have to say that my experience with Hospice has been a very good one! The CNA who comes daily and bathes him, lotions him and dresses him and brings him back into the den is a very sweet lady and very good with him. He doesn't fight her and she knows how to handle patients exceedingly well. I'm certain if you explain to the case manager, they will get someone else for you, and keep on until you get the right fit. Don't give up because of one bad person.
Well, here I am with tears in my eyes. I thought I was alone. How silly of me. My neighbor said she could tell from the sound of my voice that I was about to give up. Just to know that it is not me helps a lot. Phranque, reading your post was like hearing DH because he felt the same way. He never did anything by the book. I had no idea so many of you had these same problems. I will be forever thankful to all of you for sharing.
I had several aides during the year dh was on hospice. They were all very good to him but the only two he would allow to wash his private parts were two young men, both only 20 years old. All the others would wash everything else and then call me into the room to hold him, talk to him and keep him calm while they changed and washed him. The two he gave the most trouble were loud talking and he didn't like that. But as I said they all treated him with great respect.
I also had volunteers that came in so I could get out for 3-4 hours. One volunteer I had was a man who enjoyed watching sports with dh on the large screen tv I bought for dh. A tv that dh never really watched. This man came over one day and before he even came into the house, he shoveled snow off the drive and sidewalk so I could get out.
Fayebay, you did get a little respite (from the physical labor of bathing him) and we have to take baby steps away from them. You will find that you will have a little more engergy as time goes by. I'm so glad she was willing to listen to reason and change her ways. Keep us updated. (((((HUGS)))))
FayeBaye, this is a good report, but do not be fooled. If she has to be told not to abuse him, then there is a problem with leaving him alone with her. If you truly feel comfortable leaving him at least have someone set you up a nannycam or a monitor that records. Heck, even if you do not set one her, TELL HER that you have them through out the house. That might be enough to keep her on her toes for a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fayebay, Tell me about the monitor. How does it work, where do you buy it etc. I have a baby monitor but of course have to be here to listen to it. I am not good when it comes to these type things. Camera, monitor etc. I would love to follow that course but don't know what to buy.
My husband was just given this diagnosis last Oct and reading this scared the poop out of me. I can recall with my mom when she had this, it got to a point we could not get her in the tub or shower so we had to use the spit bath thing and for the most part that worked. My dad did not have AD but he could be a handful with the wrong person. So much of what has been said is true, you can't force these folks who don't understand or are fearful. As to the care giver thing, we had an agency with the so called 24 hours care..ha ha..when I flew in to help they would just not show up..and to make things worse the theft was terrible. I dread the day I would have to need any caregivers in my house. I'll put locks on all the doors.