I started my new job this week. It's so hard after working at the same place for almost 10 years. It probably sounds stupid, but the building reminds me so much of the building DH and I worked at when we met. I keep getting reminded of those early times when he was so competent and smart and so different than who he is today. I don't know why I'm so hung up on all this. I keep thinking that he should be in this place (he was laid off of the job he worked at for 15 years in 2001, long before any AD symptoms showed up.) I guess it's just self-pity. DH had some kind of stomach bug over the weekend. I found him in the basement early in the morning and he had lost control. The runner in front of the washing machine was completely soiled. I had to throw it out. I know he was sick and couldn't help it, but his pants were clean, so I figure he must've pulled them down before letting go. I felt bad for him but also mortified. I kept thinking this is just a preview of what's to come. Eventually, maybe not that far off, we'll have these issues even when he doesn't have a stomach bug. When I think about it, I just feel so overwhelmed and want to run away, far away. To add to everything, I've been struggling more than usual with our oldest, who turns 10 this week. Weve always struggled to get along, but lately, I feel like I can't get through to him at all. It's like he's 9, going on 16. Maybe I expect too much of him, I don't know.
Sorry for the rant. I just needed to vent. I hope this week gets better.
Kelly, you are wonderful! Iam sorry I can't take away the reality of your circumstances but I want you to know how much you are appreciated by me for your heroic dedication to your dear ones. Venting does help and feel free to vent and get relief from the stress. I don't equate your venting to self pity at all....you re doing a magnificent job of handling an impossible task. God bless you , dear.
Kelly, everything about your post touched me. Aside from everything that many of us face you must also face it with young children. Please know that my thoughts are with you. You are facing such a balancing act ...between children and husband and job. I have no answers and no solutions, only support..... I find it easier for myself not to think of the future...( not really easy , but better than the alternatives) If I let myself picture the future I instantly have feelings that perhaps I will not be able to cope with the awful reality. However, the future doesn't happen in a blink. One year or two years ago, I would have feared where I am today. You have so much to handle for today in your life. I wish you strength and for peace at home with your son. Come here often to share your thoughts.Vent everytime you feel the need..... so much better than venting at home or work among people who do not understand. Everyone here can at least offer you understanding. I hope your week gets better too!
We are here for you any time you want to vent. I too was touched by your post. I can't imagine going through this nightmare with young children. I too find myself counting how many times a day my husband goes to the barhroom thinking oh my gosh I am going to have to deal with diapers and accidents. I quickly have to wipe the thought from my mind and have to say to myself, hey you're not there yet.
Does your husband have care during the day? Mine does and it does put my mind at ease when I go to work. Sometimes I find myself wanting to retire and not work but then I have to remind myself that working allows me to have time away from this mess and it gives me the opportunity to have real conversations with people.
I will be thinking of you. I am sure your young ones are trying to find a way to adjust to this too. God bless all of you.
Polly, I agree with you wholeheartedly! My going to work keeps me sane!
Kelly, please vent any time! To have to work, raise a family and take care of your husband is a tremendous burden to have to bear. I wish there was someone close by to help you. Dealing with your son is going to get harder, I'm afraid. I'm wondering if his fear for his dad is causing some of the problem. Know that we all are hear to listen any time you need us.
Thanks for all your kind comments. Like all of us, I try to get by day by day. Some as you know are harder than others. DH keeps telling me that he loves me so much. I do believe the essence of who he is is still in there, even though I feel like I lose a little of him every day. I guess I am a "glass half empty" kind of person, as I thought of how awful it'll be when he doesn't remember who I am, let along to say "I love you." Today is our oldest's 10th birthday. I reminded DH just once when we got up and he remembered to say Happy Birthday to him when he saw him at breakfast. That was encouraging. I hope the rest of this week goes well for all of us.
Kelly, Maybe your son needs counseling, does he know he is loosing his dad? Kids have a hard time expressing their feelings, especially their sadness over a situation. My son is 40 and he didn't know how angry he was about his dad having AD until after he passed and he had help through the grief process. Just a thought.