Technical problems on both ends ( arrghhh!!!)- server and cable company - delayed today's Blog.
But the Blog is on the website now, and it addresses another of Dr. Cahill's points from last Friday's lecture. Although our spouses are not who they were, and it is often hard to love and care for a "stranger", she asks us to remember who they were, all of their positive qualities, and to care for that person.
What qualities do your spouses still exhibit that makes you recall who they are? Does remembering those qualities help you in your caregiving?
To more accurately depict what I would like to share with you concerning my ongoing difficulty in "letting go" in my emotional relatiionshiip with my sweetheart, I want to relate a recent visit to the VA home. Long time friends of ours went with me to visit ,the wife not having seen Earnie for four years. He responded to her with a manner as if he remembered her..He and our male frirend had been close friends and he tried to communicate with the friend. He even attempted to smile!! The most endearing and characteristic aspect of his behavior that day was his response to me. Recently he has retreated into himself and often did not appear to know me and he had become a stranger to me. But that day he iniatated a kiss with me , took my hand and arm and would not release me during the remainder of the visit. He cried softly periodically but we all agreed they were tears of joy. The visit was wonderful, and my dear, sweet husband emerged for a brief hiatus. When ever I begin to accept that my man is gone, a day like this one happens and I am reminded that somewhere deep within his heart my love lives with all the qualities that made him unique still glimpsed . These very infrequent glimpses sustain me when he becomes my beloved stranger once more.
This is my third marriage. The first gave me children, the second gave me security, and this one has given me love. I have never felt so loved in my entire life, and that continues now even as this disease progresses. My DH is so grateful for our marriage and is constant in thanking me. I would not miss this marriage for anything, even if I could have known the future when we met.
Well, I just have the love, but if I had to chose, that would be the one! My dear husband tells me he loves me all the time, and he does what he can to show me, even though that's getting much harder for him. He looks for ways to try to make things easier for me, including doing chores that I hate (like changing the kitty litter). He looks for little things he can do to pamper me -- there is always a fresh cup of coffee waiting for me when I get out of the shower (okay, maybe not always, these days, and it may be stone cold or hot enough to cause third degree burns, but he sure tries!) He has to have a kiss before he'll go to sleep. His smile is the same, his voice is the same.
Everything he does now reminds me of how much more he used to do, and I'm so very grateful. I can still talk to him -- no, he often doesn't understand nowadays, and he may not be able to offer much advice or guidance, but it is still a comfort just to have him there.
I loved the last two blogs. I, also, am fortunate to have a wife who is sweet and loving. I am prone to anziety attacks when I worry about "what if" and "why me (us)" and would be much better off if I could just enjoy the blessings that I have. As I walked out of BJ's today, I passed a lady who had nothing in her cart but two big packages of Depends. My initial reaction was to think, "That'll be me someday." My reaction now is, "Thank God that's not me, yet."
We have so many things to be thankful for. We still can visit the kids, go to dinner, or see friends. Week after next, we are going on a trip to Vegas and the Grand Canyon. When I read the posts from folks who are further along than we are, I need to view them as reminders of what Mary can still do.
You have a great attitude! We are lucky enough to live in a "master planned community", which basically means, everything we could ever need was built right here in a few square miles, including a lovely town square. At this very moment, my husband is 2 miles down the road at our cable company in town square, exchanging one of our TV remotes. He is still able to drive locally, so he can do those little errands for me. Which I appreciate very much.
We are not able to do some of the things baltobob mentioned - such as travel any distance, but there is still a lot we can enjoy. Today we sat on the shore and watched a loon swimming, gulls flying, and looked at the mountains across the bay. My wife really enjoyed that, as did I. Visiting our kids is hard because they live so far away, but they come to visit us as much as they can, and call frequently.
As others have mentioned, my wife gave me 3 wonderful children and lots of love. She is still very loving (almost more than before AD). She can't do much of the work around the house, but she still tries to help as much as possible. One significant problem seems to be that she is so tired all the time, but that is more when there is nothing going on (like now when I am at the computer and she is asleep in her chair). I'll see if a glass of wine now before dinner will help.
Baltobob - We are going to be at the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas between May 8 and May 18th. If you see the GrandLuxe train there and notice a fellow shuffling along with his wife that will be us!
I saw this subject last week and I thought to myself, "gosh I just can't think of anything positive." I was working in the yard with my DH on Saturday and I found something positive. My DH used to be quite controlling before AD and really not a team player. I craved to do projects at home as a team but he always wanted things his way. One of his chores is to put the backpack sprayer on and spray weeds in the yard (we have 10 acres and we laid down some bark so it's a job). I am finding that if he does this task by himself he misses spots. I think he just doesn't see them. The backpack sprayer is heavy so I need the muscles of my DH to carry it. So now we do this task together. He carries the sprayer, he pumps it and I grab the nozzle and spray. It requires us to walk very close together in the yard. I got to thinking how wonderful this is to be able to feel close, be close and do something together where we can feel somewhat of an intimate connection because there is no intimacy otherwise but that is another subject.
I am trying to imagine my husband doing this 6 years ago. No way. He would have wanted to do the task all by himself! So I am enjoying the mellowed out man from AD and I hope it stays that way!