Since there's no problem scattering ashes on the island, I had arranged with the local cremation society to have us both cremated (no coffin discussed but I assume my husband's body was placed in something!) with plans to have ashes scattered there and a private service. This cost under $3000 each. My husband, who died in June, had been out of touch with his work friends for twenty-five years, really, and holding a service here where we live would just be a way for people to show their concern for ME, not really bidding HIM goodbye.
The funeral director came out the afternoon my husband died and couldn't have been nicer. I had an obituary prepared. He said, now do you want me to put this in the Providence (RI) paper? That costs between $400 and $1000 depending on column length. I said whoa!! The paper puts in a "recent deaths" notice anyhow, for free. The local small-town paper charges $25, and accepted the obit and picture. This seemed reasonable to me and I went that way. A lot of funeral homes have websites with memory books where people can read the obit online, and that too seems reasonable. I did send email notes to friends (with a link to the obit) and mentioned it on facebook.
Think outside the box, moorsb. You do not have to do everything the way that tradition has always said do it. You do NOT have to be held hostage to the funeral industry. I think we all, as we navigate through this caregiving experience, have learned that WE, not the professionals, know best in a great many situations with our spouses. That skepticism of "professionals" can extend throughout our lives and is mostly beneficial, I think.
We had a quiet private service on a loved island trail, with all the family and a few close friends present, and that was enough for us to bid him a final goodbye, after the long goodbye of dementia. I do not regret it.
I have spent several days trying to figure out what I wanted. This morning I went ahead and purchased a space in a masoleum. It was not as bad as I thought being the rest was already paid for. The actual space is below the masoleum, but inside the marker on the wall looks like a crypt but it is on a load bearing wall. The cost of the marker is a little less than an upright headstone and the space below is less than a traditional grave site. The grounds outside are beatiful and masoleum is very nice marble. She will be located in the same room as the Golfer Ben Hogan.
We're both prepaid with the National Cremation Society (about $1000 each) and their number can be called from anywhere in the world for the body to be picked up. I chose to just let them dispose of my ashes rather than the kids having an urn. DH's late wife arranged for their ashes to be disposed of at sea, which I guess was done when she died. My mom and dad's ashes are buried in a memorial garden. The family and neighbors had a little memorial service where they lived and planted a bush in her name. Retiring to Florida means that there aren't really lots of old friends around, especially as we age. Having read Jessica Mitford's "The American Way of Death" many years ago we were alerted early on to the possibilities for doing things our own way. Our special memories of our LO's are what really count.
We haven't really preplanned much, nor prepaid for anything but before dementia we agreed we wanted cremation. Plan to take an inexpensive route, maybe scatter, maybe bury, havent decided. Somehow I don't feel the need to have our names engraved on anything after we are gone. The people who matter will know I walked this earth and those that don't, don't need to read my name and dates somewhere long into the future. Our families don't have any traditions of visiting gravesites and I never visit that of my parents. Each to his own.
Weejun, I lean more toward your way of thinking. I am going to consult with our children as I believe a funeral is for the living and not the dead. When my parents died they already had made plans to be cremated and their ashes scattered...end of that. No viewing or memorial service. Several relatives were very upset about this. My brother is more emotional than I and would have wanted some type of visitation or memorial for closure. For me, I pay for the trash to go out on Thursday so hope I go on Wednesday and we have a bag big enough for me to fit in.....I may exceed the weight the trash guys will pick up!!!!!
Ashes are heavy, no question! A friend whose brother weighed 500 lb can't pick up the box of ashes!
Before I took my husbands out to the island to scatter I reserved some. Having done it before I knew that you can stand there and scatter, and scatter, and scatter, and STILL have a lot left!
When my friend's husband died, he was cremated and his remains were placed in a sort of parchment looking PIllow that was weighted some how so that ashes didn'd blow in the wind as can happen during the scattering..It just sank in the waters and the pillow was biodegradeable...it was a nice ceremony.
January of 2009, Lloyd was diagnosed and in September we sat down and made the funeral arrangements for both of us. It took us a year to pay for it, but it included everything...being picked up, embalming, viewing, flowers, caskets, remembrances, limousine, police escort, 5 death certificates each, obituary. Lloyd had really wanted a traditional end. I wanted to know that my kids would not have to worry about the expense. Next I have to get a plot and stone. I have decided that if Lloyd goes first, I will have him cremated and bring him home with me. That is where he belongs. And it will prevent people crying over his grave when they had nothing to do with him in life!!! Lord, was that cold? Too bad! I paid for all the bells and whistles so the kids could do it if they desired. If they decided to go another route, they could have whatever was left over. The best closure for me is bringing him home not leaving him somewhere. Then his ashes can be put in with me. My kids loves cemetaries...walking through them, playing hide and seek, doing rubbings of stones, boys doing drive-bys and shooting their mom in the butt with pellet guns. What can I say?!? This way they can come play wherever I am because I will be in their favorite cemetary and they can hide behind my stone.
I wanted to see if there were any new opinions on this topic. I am going to talk to a local funeral home tomorrow. DH could live another, who knows how long, or go soon. I could go before him. I guess we just don't know. But I don't know if when DH does pass if I want to have to deal with making these decisions at that time. If I do it now, he is still here. So maybe it wouldn't be as hard. Should I let the kids know I am doing this. They our having to deal with some stressful things in their lives right now, on top of their dad having EOAD and being in a Memory Care Facility for just 3 months. Over the course of making decisions for DH, it seems when something came to my mind it was always the right time to do it. DH cannot help me make this decision. He is not capable now. I don't know that he would have even considered it when he was first diagnosed. He always said there was nothing wrong with him. I hate this. We were supposed to go through life decisions together.
Jackie, This is just my opinion, but I believe very strongly that EVERYONE should preplan their funeral, Alzheimer's Disease or not. The stress of trying to make those decisions is bad enough, but to have to do it in the middle of the trauma of a loved one's death is unbearable. In my family, when someone died, expected or not, all we had to do was make one phone call to the funeral director and be told when to show up. Everything else, from picking out the casket to the service was already done. And it is VITAL that you have someone do it with you. Last year, when Sid had his first heart crisis, my sister flew here from Chicago to be with me and help me make the arrangements. I was a raving lunatic. I could not have made any decisions on my own. I didn't hear half of what the funeral director said. But now it is done, and when the time comes, which will most likely be much sooner than later, it's all done.Again, this is just my opinion. But Jackie, I hope you don't mind my honesty - I saw you right after you placed your husband. You were in no condition to make any decisions. You will be at least that distressed when he dies. You will be much better off if the plans are set and you don't have to do anything.
At this point in Sid's illness, I am a basket case. If I had to make those decisions now, I would be in the hospital having a breakdown.
And yes, I would let the kids know what you are doing. You can't hide reality from them. Others may have different opinions about the kids. Weigh all opinions. joang
Joang Thank you for your honesty. I was a basket case. I still am off and on. I am doing better than I was. I have set down with the calendar where DH is living and marked when I would visit around his activities. The past week I was spending to much Time there. Not eating or eating junk food. So I need To get structure back in my life. I am not nieve to think I will fall back into bad patterns, but am going to make the effort and keep trying. I think this step needs to be done. I know when he dies I will be a basket case. I did tell our one daughter. I am not going to discuss it with our youngest because of her health issues. The 2 step children may inform his mom. And I am already having stress from her. I can't take a chance on them talking to her. She is a whole other issue. I am writing her off. She has made it clear I really was never a part of my DHs family. I guess they all were faking it for 31 years. So my focus is on me getting better and being my DHs advocate. We know he will not get better. My mom and sister will go with me.
I am thinking of you everyday. Wish I could give you a hug in person.
As some may remember, I decided to preplan my husband's funeral. At that time, I encountered some problems with my stepchildren concerning burial with me or their late Mom.
It was such a blessing to have this done when he did pass sooner than I would have thought. It was a surreal Experience when he died and I could not make decisions then. I had stayed overnight for four days with no sleep. I am certain it would have caused more family problems had they not been resolved.
I strongly suggest everyone living life as an alzheimer spouse preplan the funeral.
Yes, I agree with Joan. Go ahead and pull a funeral together in advance. When the time comes, no matter how "expected" it is, and no matter how calm and stoic you try to be--you will be a basket case. I had a funeral pre-planned and pre-paid in NY. When we moved to the Heartland, I took the money back, but set it aside, as it was earmarked for that purpose only, of course. Then when Larry was hospitalized for that week on Apr. 14, 2014…and then had three weeks in Rehab. before coming home to Hospice…I took advantage of the respite from caregiving and went to a local, Midwestern funeral director. I very quickly made the same arrangements (pretty close, anyway) that had been previously set up in NY, and paid for it. I could not have imagined in a million years trying to do that after he died, especially that his funeral involved services in two states, and was a little complex. Honestly, even if you have a good support system of friends and family around you, it would just be too hard. You are just not going to be functional enough. Do it in advance. (And don't worry about what other family members may think. It's none of their beeswax. You are the wife.)
I just saw Lorrie's post, and she makes a very good point. If there are any potential family quibbles about the funeral services, burial, etc….setting up the funeral in advance gets it all taken care of…so that when the patient actually starts actively dying and proceeds to death…everybody can focus on the patient and not on the funeral/burial/whatever disagreements. The focus can be on supporting the patient, as it should be.
Yes, Lorrie's point is a good one - better to beg forgiveness later than to ask for permission now. I also agree with Joan about your children. They are adults and you need their support. Let them offer you what they can. You may be surprised.
Claude did not want a formal funeral and all the "hoopla" as he called it. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes buried in the cemetery in our hometown in Oklahoma.
Several years before, we both signed up with a Cremation Society. He passed on at home and the Hospice called the funeral home. They took care of everything including the obit and death certificates. The kids and I did decide to have a memorial service in the chapel of our church. We took his ashes to our hometown and had a private burial with our family there.
I want the same done for me when my time comes and the kids are aware of my wishes and the kids agree.
Having just been through this, I can say unequivocally, absolutely, and without a doubt, PRE PLAN. Last year, when Sid had his first heart crisis, my sister flew here to help me. It involved going to more than one funeral home to compare more than one option, contacting cemeteries, and visiting them. I was such a wreck, I didn't remember anything anyone said to me. My sister did most of the questioning. I just shook. In the end, everything was planned, picked out, and paid for.
When he died this year, a Hospice House staff member called the funeral home, and I didn't have to do anything related to the funeral but show up. I could never have planned anything or made any decision at that time. I was a total basket case.