Okay, here's the scoop. My hubby (early stages) has been treating me like an unwanted , though necessary , dog. The verbal and psychological abuse is just vile. I have informed him he will no longer be handling the money anymore. He doesn't believe it. I think he thinks he will get me to hand over the money to him on payday (the 27th) of Jan and all will be as it was before. I dread that day but yet still look forward to it as a breakthrough for me and my self esteem and financial security. I pray to God that it isn't so bad but maybe it will. Otherwise if I can't be strong enough then all the awful and rotten things he says to me will come to be true in his mind (if they aren't already). Please everyone pray for me to either accomplish this or strength enough to just leave. Those are my only two options leading to continued sanity. Those having gone through this , please give me your words of wisdom...and your prayers Love, Cathy
Gypsy2 things will only get worse if you don't stand firm. My husband either lost, took out new or overused credit cards. We can be here for you-but you are the one who must stand firm. It will be ugly. Can you speak with your husband's pcp for med help?
Never in our entire married lives was I the victim of either verbal or physical abuse. It was foreign to me - Until the AD devil invaded my husband's brain. The shock and emotional pain of that verbal abuse was chronicled in a series of blogs (May 5th 2008, June 17, 08, July 15, 08, July 22, 08 - and those are just a few of them) I wrote. I know exactly how you feel, as do many of our spouses here.
First of all, you can't argue with him - remember - the reasoning button is broken. Do what you have to do about the finances, and hope he forgets about it. If he doesn't forget and keeps up the verbal abuse, I found three things that helped. The first was to be calm and not argue back at all, no matter how much it aggravates you. When they don't have anyone to argue back and forth with, it usually shuts them up. No one, not even those with AD, like to argue when there's no one reacting and arguing back.
The second is medication. If the doctor hadn't put Sid on the Risperdal, I don't think he ever would have stopped the verbal abuse - it was, as you said - vile. Absolutely vile. The combination of Risperdal and an anti-depressant calmed him down and stopped the abuse.
The third is medication - for you. I literally almost had a nervous breakdown from the stress. The combination of an anti-depressant every day, and an anti-anxiety (xanaax) on an "as needed" basis, enabled me to cope.
I agree with what Joan has said. My dh has never been as cold and mean as he has since the "alz. devil" has gotten into him either. Since both of us are on anti-depressants it has helped us both. We are both on the smallest dose possible but so far it is enough to help us both slow down and reflect.
You definitely have to take the bull by the horns and do what you must to handle things. He will at some point forget. At some point you will be able to let the small stuff go and concentrate on the more important things. All of this will make things easier. Not to say this is easy just that as we learn to chill so will our lo's to some degree. Maybe it will be the meds or maybe the disease, sometimes I really don't care which it is as long as it is something.
Cathy - is there any way to get the money to be transferred into a bank account that he doesn't have access to before the 29th? Say it's a new policy that they won't give you money, just send it to the bank... Remember we have to fib to survive with all this.
Cathy, go to your HR department and fill out forms for direct deposit into your bank account. If you need a new, separate account for keeping the money safe, open one at a credit union or bank. It will take at least 2 weeks for the company to process the paperwork, but it is worth it for your sanity. Luckily dh and I never had a joint account for which I am absolutely greatful now, but that didn't mean I wasn't liable for credit card charges he made - one on a joint card and one on a card he had given me "authorization" to use, but never had a card nor did I ever charge anything on that card. heruined our credit rating as well as costing me thousands of dollars in unnecessary (impulse) expenditures. You need to take control or it will get worse. Talk to his dr about meds for him.
Cathy, is there any reason why you can't open another account that he won't have access to and transfer all but say $20 or $50 into it so that you can handle the money? Others make certain to give them cash for their wallets so that they will feel "in control" while they take over the bill paying.
The advice given here by briegull, Joan and the others is excellent. You must understand that your husband is no longer your husband but an AD patient and you must be firm, and at the same time don't bother to try to explain because he can't comprehend what you are saying anyway....and if he does, he'll forget it in a few minutes! Their minds are obsessive/compulsive and they are like a dog with a bone...they won't quit. You must learn to redirect -quickly...when he brings it up, ask him a question like "do you know where I put my sweater?" or "do you want to go see a movie?" or "what is on TV tonight?" or "what sounds good for dinner?" ANYTHING not related to money and smile while you are doing it. Don't let him turn it into an argument.