Seven years ago my dh went into "enforced retirement". I was working full time and didn't really know the extent of his problems. Everything was still every one else's fault. I gave up my home and friends in the hope that he would find fulfillment in a retirement community with lots of activity. Didn't happen. He was soon getting into rages with every one. DH has been in an ALF for two years now and I am still finding out how bad things were. On the up side-my community has been very caring and supportive to me. On the final day when two police cars came to have DH Baker Acted my neighbors gathered in the street to watch. Not out of curiosity but to be with me. A very recent widow with tears in her eyes came over to hug me and said-this is worse for you than it is for me. Such compassion! I attend some functions and am put at the widows' table. It still hurts.
bluedaze, I can't imagine what you went through and are going through! I'm glad you have a great support group!
My husband went into forced retirement at 62 (he's 69 now) because he had trouble staying awake (he had a night job and slept all day, but by 5 a.m. he couldn't stay awake easily) and later, even when he could sleep at night, he still would fall asleep at the oddest times, and since he was 62, he just stayed retired and took over the housework since I had a full time job.
Everything else seemed to be okay, other than his ability to stay awake. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about. He ran several tests, which didn't show anything wrong. We traveled with our friends and sometimes with our grown children and sometimes alone. We had wonderful times.
I don't see how I could have done anything any differently. We didn't have the knowledge we do now and I don't believe it would have made any difference in the long run.
I'm grateful that he hasn't had the rages and the bad behavior that others have experienced.
Would you want to go back to where you were before the enforced retirement, knowing what you know now, or are you okay where you are now? Or afterwards, do you want to start over somewhere else? Is it too early to contemplate that? Sometimes our dreams for the future are all we can hold on to while we go through trying to do our best with this hand we've been dealt. I'm sorry for all our pain.
Yes, even if I would have known back then what I know now about how our life would go, I would still go through all the pain AD has put us through. Yes, it has been very hard sometimes, very lonely to watch our dreams go up in smoke, but, my wonderful husband gave me the most wonderful years of my life and for that I am standing strong until the end. One of my favorite songs is by Garth Brooks called "The Dance". The lyrics are "I could have missed the pain, but, then I would have missed the dance". This is definately the way I feel about our life.
I agree with Kay Kay. My wife gave me a wonderful 54 years of marriage, raised 3 wonderful children, plus all the other things wives do. The only thing I would have done differently had I known what was coming, was get Long Term Care insurance. We looked into it and my wife was accepted, but I was rejected on some minor problem. This made me mad so I turned down both policies (even after they reconsidered and accepted me).
I like Kay Kay's reference to the song by Garth Brooks. I am not familiar with the song, but agree totally with the thought. We are all going through a painful time, so let's try to remember the good times.
Yes, I would do it all over again...I can't believe I am saying that...LOL...! The last five years were easier since he was bedridden, but the first six were a challenge...(that's an understatement).
I was honored to care for my husband at home until he died five weeks ago. I led a charmed life until AD reared it's ugly head and that is because I was treated like a queen by my husband. I figured I was given an opportunity to repay him for all that he did for me and our kids by caring for him in the way that he deserved.
I was blessed in that I was relatively young and healthy and had an amazing sense of humor (a necessary item) to get us through all the years of caregiving.
By the way, I do have a LTC policy....didn't have one for my husband because, frankly, I didn't know they existed. Since I was only 52 when I enrolled, the premiums are less expensive. I pay one premium a year for 10 year and then it is paid off. Only three more years to go......I hope I never need to use it, but it is there if I do.
It seems that most of us had very good marriages with very loving spouses (spice?) :)
Like Sandi, my husband took excellent care of me and was my best friend. I'll be happy to take care of him for as long as I can (hopefully all the way). We were blessed with a wonderful life and four great children, five grandchildren (so far) and three great-grandchildren. We are still finding laughter each day, and if I can make him smile, it makes my day.