I was just wondering...am I alone in this thinking? Why can't folks just send the usual holiday cards at this season? Are some people so totally unaware that some of us can't or just don't see hope in being able to share the kind of (seemingly) over the top joy and bliss that has overcome thier entire family unit over the past year? And, I wonder, how much of it is really true? I dont' want to sound too much like the cynical comic, Lewis Black, but, you know, I could use more truth. The kind of truth most of us live daily.....It would do me better, learning how maybe my problems aren't as bad as some others. Really, hearing about all those Debutante Balls, extravagant European vacations, new babies (which we know about already), the new cars, new jobs and earned college degrees (which family KNOWS about already), new love found, on and on, has finally gotten to me this year. I will never read another one unless it tells the other stuff that happens in living every day. The ugly stuff, just so I'll know I'm not the odd-ball. I know, I know. You'd NEVER hear a word about whose kid got arrested for pilfering .... or whose spouse got yet ANOTHER DUI. What daughter got pregnant ....AGAIN... and how the family dealt with it this time. Uncle so-and-so's reinternment in the ReHab center for his alcoholism and how his wife is recovering from that last beating. Oh, and thier daughter's recent confinement in the local jail (and awaiting hearing) for allegedly selling narcotics...or was it soliciting? I forget. Anyway, the family couuldn't make bail, because everyone's out of work.
Sorry, bad day. Going down-hill. Too alone for too long. When will this end??? And what the heck is wrong with wanting a life-partner. like it used to be?
I did holiday newsletters for years. And yes, I avoided all of the bad news, but I didn't ever do one that was as HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY as the ones people complain about. Last year I gave them up. Most of them went to people my husband knew for business reasons. Most of those people he had worked with or they had worked for him. Truly they didn't need to know the Truth. Very freeing. Didn't do one this year either.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a life-partner. It will end when it ends.
Hang in there, stunt girl, I'm trying to. Did you ever see my comment about those letters? I thought it was pretty funny. Sounds like you did. I know it's hard to do, but keep the faith. Joe
I know the kind of letter that stunt girl is referring to, and I realize they can be silly. But, I will confess that I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to try to report the upbeat news, as available, without dwelling on the sad things. The people in my Xmas card (with included letter) list is quite short, and they know us. So, my references to our life with Alzheimer's, or the fact that my dad died in June, tend to be brief, but meaningful allusions. In general, I find that the people I correspond with enjoy knowing what the kids are up to, or how Jeff and I are using our time, now that life has limited our options. I will also note, that I try to keep it to one page, with plenty of margin and spaces between paragraphs. People like a little news, but not the New York Times in their xmas cards.
Now, if I made it a lengthy brag sheet of how stellar each of my children is, that could--I agree--be tiresome. (and would also not be entirely truthful. ; )
As for me, I like them. Then again, I don't seem to get the braggy ones, and I do want to know what my distant nieces and nephews and friends are doing. I'm actually kind of disappointed when I get a card that is merely signed--especially from people who I am interested in, but have no other way of keeping up with.
I have one aunt who tends to be a very negative person, and her letter, though brief, reflects that. I guess it's just me...but it makes me feel good when people are able to look at the bright side, at least a little bit, even when their circumstances are modest, or their health impaired.
But, stunt girl, I do understand. I certainly have pangs of jealousy and bouts of grumpiness when I observe happy couples...and especially men "of a certain age" who are vibrant, alive, and are obviously fun to be with, interacting with their partners. I want one.
I don't mind the letters, if they are brief. We always get one from Charlie's nephew who is in the service. He travels the world over (he is a pilot) and we rarely see him. There is always a picture of the family and a brief summary of their year. Yes it is always upbeat, but we can all use a little upbeat news. The key word here is "little".
I sent them out for years (1 pagers, always), and for ME, looking back on them is a nice review of my life - but in the last few years they've been short and late. There was one year that I think of as the "self-satisfied" letter - accompanied by a picture of the entire family with animals. Sent out before Christmas. At Christmas one of our sons came home and announced he was wanted for a felony (voting twice; he got off); my husband, distressed, took to his bed, took too many aspirin because he had a crick in his neck, ended up in the hospital and thereafter decided to retire. Our income was then cut in half! This was 1983 - he retired at the beginning of 85.
Thereafter I've been careful to not be too upbeat!!
The thing is, you don't have to be self-satisfied to write a nice letter that people will enjoy. The keys are humor, honesty, a realistic (but not necessarily harsh) view of yourself and your family, and....brevity. There is probably a bit of an art to it, but also, if you're sending them to people who care about you, they'll be glad to know you're getting by and managing life. Obviously there are people who are out to impress the world. But, then again, it's not abnormal for people to be proud of their children. Still, discretion is valuable.
I remember one time having a discussion with another mom whose son was in 2nd grade with mine, and our mutual concern was that the public elementary they attended was not meeting their needs. Only MY specific concern was a bit different than hers. So, when she said, "we got his IQ tested, and it was...whoooooosh...off the charts!" I was naturally reluctant to volunteer that my son's problem was dyslexia, ADD, and general obliviousness. It happens a lot. Twice I've gone to meet new neighbors, who only let a minute pass before telling me what brilliant, straight A students all their children were. Yes, it's a little obtuse and tactless. But people are proud of their children when they have cause to be so, so I try to cut them a little slack.
I have done short letters for many years to our out-of-town friends. This year was even more brief. It was a 3x7 card. On the front was a picture of the outside of our house-decorated; a recent picture of me and one of DH; and one of both of us and our Millie (dog). On the reverse side, it says: Dear Friends, We hope 2009 has been good to you and that 2010 will be even better. S..is doing good, I've been re-doing our kitchen and Millie is keeping both of us in line! Mom will celebrate her 91st birthday in Jan. K..is waiting for a kidney and pancreas transplant. Please pray that this will happen before he has to go on dialysis. D..and M... are in >>> and traveling a lot but are doing well. Happy Holidays and Peace to you all.
I love to get up-dates on far-away friends, but some do tend to over-do it.
Vickie - that was a great Christmas card. You summed up your year telling the facts, not a lot of pomp. I agree with Jen that it bothered me to get letters from siblings whose financial situation was better than ours meaning their kids were into everything and their kids were stars in school and sports. I was happy for them but hurt for my kids and what they didn't have. Jen, probably that is what bothers you the most - the hurt because your life has taken such a different, painful turn than the ones writing the letters. I use to write my mil monthly about all the little things the kids did because she only saw them for a few days every 2-3 years (if she were lucky). I never received as much as a 'thank you' from her, but I felt it was the right thing to do.
So, even though we are happy for these people, I don't think they consider the impact all their bragging about their life may have on a family member/friend they send it to that's life is far from good. A life full of pain and hardship.
I enclose a newsletter with our cards to our friends and extended family. I keep a copy and the accumulated letters are as close as I'll ever get to having a journal of our family's growth over the years. I don't include all the negatives but usually try to mention some of the challenges experienced during the year. But I find the summing up of our year is good because it helps me realize there have been some good moments woven in with the tougher times.
We used to get one long winded newsletter that went on and on too much but over the years, even that letter has mellowed out :)!
I look forward to hearing news from others at Christmas time . . . I remember one good friend who rarely managed to send out even Christmas cards (they had a larger family and life was always busy). One year they not only mailed out cards but included a newsletter complete with some photos of their year. During the following year she often came to my mind . . . some months later I heard that her husband died suddenly/unexpectedly from a medical problem. (He wasn't very old . . . children still at home). When I saw her some time later she referred back to that one newsletter they'd sent out and said how glad they were to have done that . . . the memory of creating that newsletter was special for their family. Gave me a greater appreciation for keeping in touch whether by phone, email or even better in person (especially with friends and family we don't see often due to living in various parts of the world).
Thank you, every one for your input here.....now I know I'm not someone with another new personality disorder developing. Not funny, but actually, every ONE of those things happened in my own family unit one year! Can you imagine how THAT newsletter would have been received??!!! Just increasingly lonely these days....Winter doesn't make it any better. Thanks for not smashing me for my comments about newsletters......in brevity and to the ones that CARE, they're okay by me. It's just that MY life is no longer "charmed" and I guess I feel like I have nothing to bring anymore to the banquet table. On a sad wake up note today (another one, of a different type. It blindsided me), I got an e-mail from an old school mate of mine. Hunting buddy, great friend, always "up", but never romantically involved, never. Like a brother. Visited John and I back in 1998 or 99. When we lived with all the trappings, still , of a wealthy and successful life. Went hunting together on our land, had fun all of us. In his e=mail he mentioned that I must be "quite the lady of leisure now" and should come Caribou hunting with them....."after all," he said, I should be able to afford anything I want to do now, and it would give me a break in not having to be here alone and think about John's illness. I was no less than Gob-Stopped!! Having been one of my very best friends long ago, I wrote back and told him some of t he ugly truth. Guess I won't hear any more. Trying to find ways to get out and make friends. Everything costs something. No women like me at churches I've visited....classes to learn new things and meet people cost. Going to the Arts Center tomorrow and talk to someone about my work and perhaps teaching classes, myself...but need self-confidence to do that. Need to go to school (for free) and learn to do something so I can make my own way. But, I don't know what I want to do "when I grow up". Stupid, huh? I dont even know what I'm interested in anymore. (secretly, I'd like to be precious to someone)
I sent a Christmas newsletter, one page back and front consisting mostly of photographs. For those who know about Siem's AD it was clear how different this was from other years (no travels), although it was not mentioned specifically (he can still read, and would not have accepted any intimation that all is not well with him). One of the pictures is of him grinning broadly in his favorite restaurant with an apple bomb in front of him (this is a huge piece of apple cake with whip cream etc).
I enjoy putting the letter together as a kind of summing up -- what was really important this year, and as several of you have mentioned, as a lasting record for me and for our children. There were two highlights: visit of American son & family in May and birth of new granddaughter in August. Very little text and absolutely no bragging!
I agreee that I hate the bragging "oh how wonderful we are" type of letters. I do enjoy the ones that talk about a few of the year's hightlights with people. This helps me keep in touch with what is going on in their lives. Letters of one page are usually enough information for me.
I did actually get cards and letters out this year. The list was cut way down and not all the letters went out before Christmas but there are 12 days of Christmas so I figure keeping in touch at all was better than not. I had a piano teacher that told me she did her Christmas cards and letters after all the concerts in December were over (in other words the days after Christmas).
I remember when I used to write those letters in cards and by hand. When I realized that I was saying essentially the same thing, I started typing up the letters to send - that was much better.
Last years newsletter reported our battle with alzheimers, along with a few notes on how the kids are etc. this year I sent also, a small, 3/5 type card in my greeting card, just saying that the battle gets tougher, etc. I did mention that we had made a trip to see his son, and had gone to fl with my son and family. Just to keep it uplifting, but mentioned that we would not be traveling anymore . I have many old friends and the only time we correspond is christmas, so.... BTW, I did get one christmas letter several year ago which mentioned that the couple had gone to court to get custody of their granddaughter because their daughter was on drugs, and pregnant again with some other guy. parents didn't know who. Blah Blah, Blah. I kept that one. I just wouldn't have sent a letter out that year if I were them.
Jen, I think it helps sometimes to recognize that everyone's usually screwed up in some way or other, even if they promote themselves as the vision of success and happiness to which all should aspire. Also, as for there being no "women like you," at churches you've visited...sometimes you just don't know. It is my preference to recommend liberal and not so rules-bound fellowships, but sometimes a cursory glance at a group of seemingly "together" people does not give you a true picture. There are troubles all over, and the uptight need to appear perfect that some display is as much of a pathology as anything. I perceive that you view yourself as very marginal in a society of "normal" or better lives...but I don't think it's true. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up either. Hence, I shall probably never grow up.
chris r...you mean someone actually DID send my kind of newsletter out one year??? AWESOME! And, emily.....I do indeed doubt that I'll ever grow up, either! As a matter of fact. I hope I never DO!
I used to feel that some of the letters we received were all about bragging, but now we don't get too much of those. When we receive the letters, many of them tell about some of the unexpected things that have happened to them or their families, and some of it is heartbreaking, some of it is good. If they didn't send them, we would never know what is going on with the people we care about but just don't get in touch with often enough. I sent a Christmas card with a picture of our family: my daughters, their husbands, the grandkids, even my daughter's dog! My husband loves that dog! And, I sent a handwritten letter about my husband's diagnosis and the health problems that have been going on with both of us; he's had a diagnosis since September 2008 but made me promise not to tell anyone (something I regret now).
And, stunt girl and Chris, I made a promise to myself years ago that I would NEVER grow "old," and would try very hard to keep myself "young at heart." I just pray that our old friend "Alzheimer" doesn't visit ME.
Jen, when you said that you'd like to be precious to someone, my heart just hurt for you. You are precious, Honey. Very. You've had a double whammy, with getting hurt on the horse. The fact that you're doing better physically (Yes, I know that there are no doubt still lots of hard things going on physically, though), is a testament to your courage and determination to get well.
Go talk to someone about doing something with your art. Quite a while ago I went into your website and looked at the beautiful things you create. You have a wonderful gift. As the saying goes, do what you love and you'll be successful.
Way to go Stunt Girl! I toyed with the idea of writing a letter that said how proud I was of the son who completed a five year apprenticeship and then was promptly laid off. (Still on unemployment) Or about the wonderful baby the other son's wife had; unfortunately they now have half as much income. Or I could tell everyone who pleased I am that my wife doesn't fight me as much when I put her in Depends.
You know, if these folks don't keep in touch or offer to help, I really don't care that their kid is in the marching band.
Jen, my favorite is the surgery descriptions...hysterectomy, various foot and toe surgeries..I'm amazed anyone would put that type of descriptions in a letter..and for the holidays! But, we get at least one every year.
Jen,there are loans or grants you can get for college. You just have no problem qualifying for a Pell Grant, that is what i used when I was taking college courses. And there are others, so that solves paying for college.
Thanks, Charlotte! I have made an appointment with a councellor at the local community college to talk to her about just that! And, to figure out just what it is that I can do to make enough income to support myself and not rely on my parents any longer.
We have one friend who sends an actual news letter! It is pages long and one can only guess at the cost to produce this thing! And we never read it..I read the first one and it was all about the rendez vous meetings with ski pals..Oh goody you ol geezer can still get up on the boards!( the guy is in his 80s I think LOL). I bet no one reads the dang thing. I think these long missives are all about those people needing to puff themselves up..I agree an honest note is much more meaningful and when I get them I usually respond fairly quickly too. This year I did not share in the Christmas cards, in which I personally write a short note and sign, the new diagnosis for my hubby...I have told a few since then. He is in the early stage so only those closest to us know at this point.