Good Bye 2009: You rang in with chaos, trials and tribulation. After last Christmas/New Years I thought I couldn't survive another year, another holiday season like the one before. Paul's illness (AD) was ravaging not only mine and my children’s world, but his world too. It took time after his untimely death for me to focus back on him....on what this disease did to an incredibly intelligent man who wanted nothing more than to care for and provide for his wife and children. A man who was for most of his life strong, independent, driven, a leader of the pack, parent and husband, had suffered through grueling years of gradually losing those abilities that were all part of "him" --- his character.
We also, as a result of Paul's death saw some of the best, as well as some of the WORST in human-kind. There are true friends, family, angels out there who came to hold us up. Thank God for them. Some people will really kick you when you're down. While the hurt still stings, and the impact goes on, it gave me pause to thank GOD, that I could never be that person who inflicted pain ...... and find it even more amazing that I actually feel pity them. I am grateful that I know the difference between what the laws of the land say people can do unto others without repercussion, and what is morally right. People who don't know the difference are without what I refer to as the 4 C's. Conscience, Compassion, Character, and the Courage to do the right thing. And the redeeming Grace, is that they know exactly who they are, and to whom they will be accountable in the end.
When we lost Paul we were left to pick up the pieces, regroup, rebuild, and get on with our lives. So while 2009 brought the kids and I a lot of grief, sadness and mourning, it also brought us strength to go on.
The last half of 2009 brought me strength, stress, courage, character building, employment, and yes...even a little enjoyment. My second granddaughter was born. My faith has new facets to it that I had forgotten about while in my own little world as caregiver. I still have stresses like anyone else, but I'm learning to deal with them. The second half of 2009 brought me a few scares, specifically a "suspicious" mammogram report followed by a (*long*) waiting period for re-screening, and a scary phone number that showed up on my caller ID on the 23rd of December. It was a call from the breast care center, after I'd been there for diagnostics. No message was left. By time I saw it and called they were closed until after Christmas. Those were some very frightening days. Calling them Monday didn't help alleviate the terror because nobody seemed to know anything. Then Tuesday night, 29th of Dec. I got the letter from the breast care center......."NO CHANGES in the past few months, Results considered to be NORMALLLLLLLLLLL." Hallelujah!!!!
So, 2010 is here.... Am counting my blessings, and getting on with my life. Caring for family, keeping the house standing, keeping the wolves away from the door, maintaining a good job even with its stresses reminds me that God is Great.
I'm so glad that you are making progress and that you can see joy and happiness around you now. It also gives all of us still on the journey hope for when we are were you are now. Thank you for sticking around and taking care of all of us.
Just one thing about the mammogram. There are places that will give you the answers while you wait. Next time you get called back, find one of those places. I've been called back multiple times, and even had breast surgery. I've experienced the wait days for the answer, and just this summer the place that not only let ME see all the photos and ultrasounds, but also had me wait while the radiologist read them. I prefer to wait for my immediate answer.
They have the ultrasound tech give you the answer if it is good, and the doctor talks to you to tell you what happens next if it isn't good. I was really pleased to see that tech come in the door all by herself in August.
New realm, thank you for sharing your insight. You're words give me comfort that it is possible to survive this horrible disease. I pray for us all, that we will continue to find strength from each other and serentity from God. We are so very blessed to have this family who never cease to show kindness, love, compassion and knowledge. So bring on 2010, together we can continue to Walk the Walk.
I remember your trials last year and appreciated you helping follow your trials. We will go through them ourselfs, sooner rather that later. In fact, 2010 looks like some major changes for Carol and I. I remember the hyme, I'll fly away" Still have the words on my favorites. Pleas stay with us and keep us posted. We love ya. bill
I still have a whole lot of growing to do, and I admit I'm not happy about everything that has changed in my life.........but I'm trying.
I'm no Mother Theresa. Still have moments of anger, hurt, etc. It's all part of the human condition.
I guess my main expression is that none of us should feel that any of our caregiving efforts are for naught.
Caregiving changes us all, and there is life after caregiving. Perspectives change. We've all had to learn to work around the norms in virtually every area during our caregiving days. That brings us all strength, creativity, perserverence, and ingenuity. And my belief is that it all becomes positive parts of our character.
I just wish everybody a very happy NEW year that is full of hope and blessings.
New Realm*, thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I hope I can be in better shape a year from now. Right now, it doesn't seem possible, but I do have faith that time heals, and that each day is an opportunity to welcome positive changes as well as continuing grief. I just hope that the tearful days are gradually replaced by more sunny ones. I don't like life right now, but intend to hang around for a year to see how it will hopefully change.
"I just hope that the tearful days are gradually replaced by more sunny ones."
Trust me, Joe........ I know what you mean right now by wondering when and if things get better. They truly do. You just have to keep reminding yourself what your soul mate would have wanted for YOU. And honoring her by following through.
Thank you for your post. My DH just got the diagnosis last Oct 09. I am finding I have to get used to so much, mainly at the moment taking charge of the tasks that were his. I can remind him to do something but in the end I still end up doing it. But I am so grateful he is still as good as he is though I miss the "Old OZ" as he would call himself. I feel that I have time to "train" for my new mission which is daunting to even think about. I picked up one of those rubber bracelets at the ol M'Gramm appt last Oct..it reads, STRENGTH, HOPE, FAITH, COURAGE and it helps to look at this when things get frustrating. I think from the day the diagnosis is read aloud, we start the grieving process and I already find crushing sadness when something sort of slaps me upside the head with the realization of what and how much has changed. It is day to day. But I thank God for my DH and pray he will hold "stable" for sometime.