I had one of those light blub moments today. We went to the car wash to get our new car washed. My husband hasn't been in that part of town for a while. He had forgotten how to get there and needed turn by turn directions. I hadn't been there in a while so I missed a tricky turn. We over shot it and had to turn back. That wasn't too much of a problem for either of us.
When we were on line I realized my husband probably wouldn't be able to hear the questions we were being asked. He wasn't wearing his hearing aids, of course. But I also worried that he wouldn't understand the questions even if he heard them. ...[sigh]... I got a bit of both.
Then we went home a slightly different way than we had gone to the car wash. He didn't remember that either, but even worse, he didn't recognize one of our "home streets" until very late.
It occurred to me through all of this that needing to be in control and also totally aware is stressful. Needing to be that way so much of the time, because we never quite know what our LO will remember and what they won't remember is stressful. Never being able to just let go and relax is stressful.
And all of this is true even when your LO is at a relatively early stage of the disease.
This is a hard stage you both are going through. It's like someone pulling on your left arm and someone pulling on the right and consequently you are just getting jerked around. I honestly think it is better when your spouse gets to the stage that you realize they don't remember anything.
Last night he went to Wal-Mart to get the lens that fell out of his glasses fixed. I wasn't with him and he had no problem. Today I wasn't sure he could tell the man how we wanted the car washed.
Am I overreacting? Or not? I've taken over ordering for him in restaurants. In part because since he stopped wearing his hearing aids he is as deaf as a pole. He can't hear them. I don't know if he can't understand them, but I do know he can't hear them or even me most of the time.
I can identify with this constant feeling of stress especially more when we are out. Last week we went to a new Sam's club that just opened. It was supposed to be just a restful trip out. My husband got it in his head that he had to check on whether they had our right address. He simply would not be be convinced they had it and insisted on waiting in a long line so that he could show them his card. Two of his former employees stopped to talk to him and clearly he could not remember them.Between trying to fill in gaps in the conversation , waiting for him to check the address and then having him wander off and the shopping trip was anything but pleasant. I find that I am always on guard when we are out. I so worry that people won't understand him or that they won't understand his blank stare.
I am so with you - I was really looking forward to attending the dinner theater and watching a young friend perform this past weekend. We were seated at a table with 4 delightful women in their late 60s-70s - sophisticated and beautifully dressed - a church group who were out together enjoying dinner and Mame. I could tell my husband was having trouble hearing the conversation, and wasn't contributing much. Near the end of the meal I saw a couple of ladies looking across at him, I turned to look and found that he had a finger or two totally in his mouth digging around, I don't know, I couldn't tell what he was doing. He seemed totally oblivious to where we were - and he's a VP and successfull businessman with only MCI. I too have been realizing I'm never fully at ease especially when we are away from the house.
JustThinking - in the situation you describe I would hand each of the ladies a card stating that my spouse has Alzheimer's and asking them to be patient. This can be done descretely so your spouse is not aware of what has happened.
You know marsh, I keep saying I'm going to print some on my computer or buy some, but then things will go fairly well and nothing embarrassing happens for awhile and I put it off some more. But your intuition was like mine, I wished I had some of those cards in my purse at that moment! Maybe this time I'll really print them...
Just thinking, My husband puts his fingers in his mouth all the time when we are out. He also points at people he sees and says things like "look at that fat one" or he/she looks funny. Also he can't read the menu and doesn't want me to help him. He can't remember the brands of beer and gets upset when I order for him. I think we're going to not go to nice restaurants as its just getting too difficult. He used to be be very particular about table manners. Really, his mind is 5 years old and that's how he behaves.I guess it's Mcdonalds for us!
When my DH and I were at the grocery store, he tried to walk out with a whole cart full of groceries with out paying for them. I caught him in time, thank-goodness. I always have to be on my toes when we are out. I need to order some of those cards too. Can I get them from the Alzheimers Assoc?
I feel that my dealings with my wifes EOAD now moving into late stage 6 perhaps early 7 and the demand or raising my sons has me at the brink. I have tryed to do it all for the last three years and looking back 5 years when the symptoms first showed. Now the day to day care and her being wheelchair bound and the frequent incontinents I have decided to put her in a NH. It pains me she will be the youngest resident and she still has recognition of her home and our faces but I am exhausted and I have to think of my sons and keeping a strong bond with them as we see this through as a family. My heart breaks but my gut instinct tells me this is best. I just needed to get this out and off my chest.
Yes, it was a heartbreaking and difficult decison, but for you and your sons, you know it is for the best. Your wife will have the 24/7 care she needs, and you will have the much needed and deserved rest you need to take care of yourself and your boys.
Tony; I am not at the point where I need to make such a dificult decision , but I can hear the pain in your words. I have a friend who has been there and when she first heard that my DH had been diagnosed she urged me not to let him take me down too. At first , I thought she was being insensitive , but now after living with this disease I can see the wisdom of her words. Once your wife is settled and getting the care she needs perhaps you and your sons can find solace in knowing she is well cared for. No matter where your wife is you will still be a family and there will lots of ways to share your love. I wish all of you the best...
Tony My heart goes out to you.The decision you had to make is a very difficult one.I to was at that point when my husband took a turn for the worse. A friend told me {you can't see after either one of you if you are dead] thats when I knew I had to consider a NH, and only by the grace of God did we have to stay there three days. Good Luck to you and God Bless.
Putting your wife in a care home will be one of the hardest decisions you have to make. You must think of your family unit and how they are effected by your LO's AD. With this disease you are constantly making choices. This one is for both of you and your sons. She will get the care she needs and you will be there for her on a different plain. Your care does not end as you will constantly be monitering her care and you will be there for her. I put my husband in a care home in December. He is the youngest also, but it does not seem to make a difference to him or his caregivers. It was so hard, but I knew I could no longer do the 24/7 care. He is getting loving care and I am still here for him. Let us know if we can help. I will be thinking about you.
Tony, You did the right thing. You must look after yourself and your family.Being the sole caregiver, without family assistance, I too will soon have to consider other living arrangements.It's difficult. I wish you luck in this new phase of your life.
Tony, I know how hard this decision had to be for you. But, you have those children to consider...also your own health and well being. It will be a big adjustment for all of you, but you are not giving up, you are just getting some much needed help. Know that you are not alone....
Tony, I understand how you feel as well, I placed my husband in care January 8th. He is also the youngest one there. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know for him and for our family I made the right decision. He needed the care that only full time help could give him. I wish you strength as you proceed on the next step of this journey. Remember you can usually go and visit as much as you want as well call whenever to check on them. Hopefully you will be able to get some much needed rest. You will be less weary and have some very good visits with her at the home. I will be thinking of you and your family as you enter this new phase of care for you wife. Kathy