I am getting mad at everything and everyone around me. My stress level is way to high. Our car is in the shop and has been for over a week. Someone offered to help us get another car and when I told them that I would not be able to afford to give them a down payment of a thousand dollars they renigged on the whole thing. So even though I am not the one that asked for the car in the first place they changed their mind and had the nerve to tell me that if I wasn't going to help myself they weren't going to help me! How dare them! How do they know what i am or am not doing to help myself. How would they feel if my DH had a stroke in the middle of the night and I wasn't able to get him to the hospital in time because I don't have a car. They probably wouldn't even care! I have even yelled at my DH because he is not being supportive of all the stress I am under, now isn't that stupid. He can barely even keep a conversation going long enough to even remember what is being said. I think all of this boiles down to the fact that I am scared. I don't know what to think about why I am acting this way.
Am I the only one who has felt this way? I feel very guilty but I know that my situation is not going to get any better. We are on a very fixed income and I am barely making ends meet and now that they may not be raising SS for the next two years I am really freadking out.
No Deb, you aren't alone. I think everybody has feeling like that at some time. Sometimes without realizing it we all will let things build up until they just come out on their on. I think that is normal and by the time you read this it may be that having vented on here you may already feel better and be ready to continue.
Sometimes it is something simple to fix and it could be worth a trip to see your family doctor and tell him what is going on.
A few years I had those feelings and a lot more to go with them. I knew it wasn't right but didn't know why or what to do to stop them because they would come on so fast. I was also having trouble concentrating which was giving me problems at work. I would have to start projects over that I had already spent 20 or 30 hours on because I couldn't get my mind back into the project. I finally went to my doctor and told him what was happening and he did some test and found out that my Thyroid was bad. After about a year and a half they were able to figure out what doses I needed of a med called Synthroid and it works pretty well. I don't know if that is what is going on in your case but it may be worth talking to your doctor about. If it is, it is an easy fix.
One other thing is sometimes I still get frustrated or can feel myself starting to lose my temper the difference is I know why am able to control it.
Just a reminder that the folks at the Alzheimer's Association hotline are there 24/7. I've called them when I needed to be talked down, once after my husband had gone to bed. If there is something practical you need, sometimes they can help you find it, but the thing they do best is just LISTEN.
1-800-272-3900
If your husband has a stroke, dial 911. Not having a car under that situation is not your problem. Getting help is.
As for thyroid problems, I have them too. And yes, it can totally mess up your life until they get you on the right medications.
Thank you so much for the tips. I didn't even know that the hotline would just sit there and listen to me and talk me down I thought they were just a resouce of information. There are sometimes when I just need someone to talk to. I still every once in a while think my DH is capable of listening to me and talking back to me but when ever I try I get this blank stare from him and then I remember that he is not really there for me anymore. That really huts but it is reality.
I don't have thyroid problems but I do have fibromyalgia and am in constant pain and I think that it affects my emotions too. I have medication for it but it is not really helping. I am glad that I have this group that I can talk to even though not in person it still helps. Also my DH is gone for the day out of town at the Dentist. I made arrangements for him to go with someone else because I need the break so bad I can't even tell ya! I think you know what I mean though.
Starling, I just put the hotline on my phone so that it is ready for me when I need it. Thank you so much.
Deb, I understand your pain with Fibromyalgia, I too have it. Stress makes it worse. Please get to your dr and talk with him/her. I let life push me over the edge and wouldn't want anyone else to go there. The Hotline is so great, please use it and remember, we are here. Arms around, Susan
They send out information too. And it is possible they have exactly what you need, but the thing that they helped me with best was listening to me when I needed someone to talk to.
I'm glad Starling posted the hotline number. It is a great help. You aren't alone. We all get mad. It is to be expected. We are under a lot of stress as caregivers and we often don't take enough care of ourselves. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on you.
Fibromyalgia on its own is stress in itself. Add to that not having a car at your disposal, trying to make ends meet, and worries about the future, well, no wonder your nerves are shot and you are scared. Glad you got a little break with your husband's dental visit. You got some good advice above, and the hot line will listen to you. Sometimes it helps just to verbalize the frustration. Have you checked with local resouces to see if there is any possibility of some free respite time? Any break you could get would be so good for you. Hang in there, and don't waste your time and energy feeling guilty. Sending positive thoughts your way and a ((((hug)))).
Deb, I definitely hear you and echo Kitty's statement on not wasting time and energy feeling guilty. I do this all the time, seems mostly on Saturdays after a long work week. Seems there is so much to do, house, holidays, food, finances, teenager, and the fact that DH cannot help with any of it. I really work on not letting the guilt get me down and just wastes more time, (the thing I need most). Sending understanding thoughts your way.
Oh Deb - I can really relate to everything you've said. I'm so down on myself right now because I have no more patience. I'm angry at my situation and I hate myself. I keep thinking I'm really not a nice person.
I, too, try to make conversation and reach out to my spouse, hoping he'll feel some compassion for me. And I come face to face with "that blank look" and realize I'm all alone. I'm at my wits end because every day he seems to get a little worse. He's having trouble with words and when he speaks he doesn't make sense. He's always talking about the "they" and it drives me crazy. I know I should be handling it differently, but I can't. I'm such a horrible person.
I'm teary-eyed all the time. I come to work and put up a good front, but the slightest thing can bring a flow of tears. I'm grateful for work because it gives me a break, and my DH has a companion who comes in every day from 2 to 6 p.m. and leaves when I come home. Of course he has no idea of finances and the extra burden paying for this companion has put on our budget. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
I'm so happy for these posts because I always seem to find a situation I can relate to. But I fear I'm getting too strung out and feel I'm going to break. I know I'm rambling, please forgive me.
Thanks for the hotline number. I'll add it to my cell phone.
Deb42657 and PatL, Neither one of you are a horrible person for the feelings that you have. That is why you feel so bad about what is going on in your mind. It is because you have so much care and compassion for your lo and what they are going thru. Sometimes I think we forget that we are in survival mode like our lo'ed ones. We are trying to deal with this disease as we see them go thru it and also trying to survive to make it to the rest of our lives. Please don't be so hard on yourselves. Your feelings are normal and believe this or not, it is just another step of learning that we go thru. I am only speaking from my experience of feeling the same way. It will get easier as time goes on and you will reflect back on your feelings and see that this time just made you stronger. Patience will come and then some moments it will disappear again only to return when we need it again. It is just another mountain we climb while taking care of our loved ones. From my own experience I now know that the time spent on feelings of being a horrible person just robbed me of the time I could have spent with my dh. I have to pick my battles with this disease and choose which ones will wear me down. It is getting easier to handle,,,,,, but remember I am saying this and so far today has been a good day,,,,, in a few minutes I may be changing my tune....lol......Just hang in there, don't beat yourself up and know that patience will come a little at a time...... Love in Christ, and I am praying for a blessed day for both of you..
First of all none of us are bad people. Our feelings are valid. No reason to go around with a perpetual smile when our lives are tumbling down around our ears. That blank look we get is devastating. It validates that we are indeed alone. Once you accept that fact you can pull up your big girl panties and get on with your life. It truly does get easier.
So your "Halo" slips once in awhile. Just straighten it back on your head and continue to take it one day at a time. Yesterday is gone with all the mistakes we made and today starts with a clean slate. If we are lucky we will keep our patience until noon. I, too, deal with them, they, he and all those people who are in the house and that they are up to no good. It wouldn't bother me that he is talking to those people and it was friendly but he is often angry and walking the floor searching for them. I have not found a way to handle this problem and yes, sometimes I yell. Wow...it's 10:30 and I am still doing okay.
Okay, Bluedaze...I'm waiting for the easier part :-). I feel the same guilts and knowledge that this once nice person no longer exists (me). I keep trying, but think I am yo-yoing as much as G is...I still reach for that inner person who used to be (G) hoping there is some part of him left, but, of course, there is not. Reading this sounds very much like a self inflicted wound.
And when your plans are spoiled because,.... he doesn't know who you are and is not willing to go with you (to the grandkids christmas show) and it's too far to go to leave him alone.... well, then the frustration just gets to you and you just want to scream. And yes, you feel guilty. but you're doing your best (as i am) and that's all we can do . Just love him, and do your best. Remember that it's the disease.
A big hug and thank you to all of you for reaching out to me, and for the helpful tips and advice. I feel a little better.
Mammie your words of wisdom were healing. It's encouraging to know it will get easier, please God. Thanks for the prayers. You can be sure I''ll remember all of you in mine. Love and Hugs.
Pat, you know we keep a good supply of heavy rope with big sturdy knots tied in it, so it's available whenever one of us needs to grab it and hang on. When you think you're near the end of your rope, we tie another knot for you to hang onto. We keep each other afloat and that's a good thing, because no one of us could do what we're doing all alone.
FayeBay--Trying not to get so upset is iffy, and could create more problems for you if you internalize all the frustration and anger. You need to establish some acceptable ways to let it go. Ways you can give yourself permission to let it blow. Go into the garage, or basement (away from your DH) and scream. If you have old dishes you've been planning to get rid of--smash them into the trash can. If your DH has any exercise equipment, punch his punching bag, or work the other things. Go for a walk or run. BURN off the negative energy, before it burns you.
I am also getting angry with other people. That's not good, but I also get angry and upset with myself. That might be worse, since I am doing the best I can.