I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and read today's blog. I am curious as to whether others have had the same experience as I, and if so, how you have felt about it.
Joan, I find that I catch myself when I want to talk about things Steve is no longer involved in. I force myself to still say "we", although I know it's not true. It's a small thing, but I guess I don't want to exclude referring to my husband, as if things are still like they used to be. Somehow, it seems to be postponing the inevitable. I think you are probably right in the way you handle it--I should just bite the bullet and say "I", if I'm talking about an issue that he no longer can be a part of. Like everything else, it's difficult.
No, this isn't where I was or where I am. There has been a WE for 49 years. First as an engaged couple and then as a married couple. But there also always was an I.
There always were things that were just I. Like Joan I had interests that didn't interest him, or that he wasn't involved in, but I always thought of those things as "I" things. Some of those things were social. Maybe that is why I'm not being hit quite so hard by the lost WE. Maybe that is why the transition to talking about "I" came easier?
On the other hand, I've got a lot of the miserly that comes when I take over one more job that HE used to do. When I realize he can't put the garbage out without me anymore. Or recognize that the "trigger" I knew was coming of him not being able to vacuum was going to push me into getting someone in here to clean this house. Or when I have to make one more decision that used to be a HE decision.
Yes, Joan, you've hit the nail on the head again; just yesterday when friends were visiting I found myself explaining how "I" had booked our Christmas travel (well, it's true) and all of a sudden realized that I was saying "I" "I" "I" where I formerly would have said "we". Note: I used to get annoyed at dh, way back before AD, when he would talk about things to other people as "I" instead of "we". I paid off the mortgage. I cleaned up that part of the garden on Sunday. etc, all kinds of things that "we" had done.
It's been so long since I've been here that I didn't realize I could respond to your blog without starting a new post. I responded there that I have been through the I, we, I, we and probably go back to the I eventually. Next time I'll respond in the right place.
Joan, I've made the circuit with one more step to go, I think. I've been through the I, We, I and now that Bill is gone I'm back to the We. Who came over for Thanksgiving? "We had all the kids home", What did you do up north this summer? "We had an addition put on the deck" Everything I'm asked it's always "We". I guess one of these days it will be "I had the kids home" or "I had and addition added on". So it's been I, We. I, We and then back to the I again, maybe.
Yes, Joan, you hit it again! However, I do try to say "we" in front of him - because he is aware enough to recognize (most of the time) that it is something that "we" normally would do/go, whatever. But I find myself saying "I" when he isn't around and to friends, etc.
Yes, it has been a very long time. I am glad to see you posting. Maybe you can benefit from the "Widows/Widowers" thread, which is a "sticky" at the top of this page. And I am sure others can benefit from your experiences.
Joan, I find myself not only saying "I" much of the time now but also THINKING "I" much of the time. I think this is just a natural reaction to being responsible for all decisions. I notice also that many of the professional people that I deal with, lawyers, doctors, financial planners address just me on issues, now. I view this as another part of the sad spectrum of events as we head toward the further decline of our spouses. At work, where many do not know of my DH's condition, I often refer to "we" as a way of fitting in, yet it does feel phony at times. Just another spot of lonliness when others are talking about short weekend trips and activities that couples our age (56 me, 58 him) are engaged in. My weekends and activities do NOT coincide nor translate easily to "normal" couples. And truly, "I" did just move my Mom into a memory care unit. Relied on friends and professional movers. The entire task being beyond DH's abilities. OK, I am drifting into another topic here.
I almost only think in "I." I am inclined to say "we" have been to such-and-such restaurant, but "I" pay my kids' auto insurance (unfortunately, yes, still,) or "I" hired a contractor to fix the back door.
When referring to most things, I always said "WE"...I wanted to believe he understood the difference in WE and I. Up until just a short time ago, I'd tell him what we were doing and then end it with ..'don't you agree'??"..or "if that's OK..?" The decision had been made, but it just seemed right to do that .whether he 'got it' or not. I vowed to do everything in my power to uphold his dignity and self esteem for as long as it took. Even though I was making the decisions, many involved using resources of HIS, ..and so, with that being said, I always considered everything I did to be a joint venture.
It's when they are really truly dead and gone, that it's no longer "we". Just today, however, I used the "we" word..and it was only later that I noticed I had. That will take a long time to get used to.
Strangely AD is making two I's into a 'we'. . . . .
At marriage we were two established professionals with careers. The unspoken plan was to be 'DINKs (Double Income No Kids) Selfish? maybe, but we were 30 & 38 when we married.
Looking back we lived pretty much a parallel existance. In love? Yeah I guess, I would have liked to become closer and more romantic, but she never did.
Working schedules that meant were never home together, never taking vacations because we were both dedicated to our careers. Living comfortably but not lavishly.
NOW. . . . . ? She has lost her first love, her job . . . . I lost the second income . . . . .
Angry? Yeah, both of us. But now we have come to accept it. (And I am thankfull that it is not nearly as bad as what all of you are experiencing!)
BUT . . . . . Now that she is losing capabilites, she has finally realized that she needs me. . . . . . . she has told me that she loves me more in the last 2 years than the first 20. I guess I should take it as a compliment, I wanted to be closer, but not like this.
Now instead of looking at a financially secure (selfish?) retirement, I am saving for LTC.It took me a long time to stop 'blaming' her in my heart.
AD has made us 'closer' but for me there is also a big streak of resentfulness on my side. Just another gift that AD brings to a marriage I guess. Oh, well thanks for listening . . . .
No, Jim...perfectly understandable. AD tanks almost every marriage, in it's own way. You hoped for more closeness. I hoped for more time together once the kids were grown. Youngest will go to college next Fall. And yes...we have "time" together. Woohoo! AD is the monkey's paw solution.
I hoped for a deeper connection and fought for it for a while once the youngest went away to school two years ago before diagnosis forced me to realize it wasn't possible. What I resent most is losing our equal marriage. I say I a lot because it is no longer a partnership.
I think I do too Pam. I believe the reason I'm inclined to say "I" is partly orneriness. I do everything for him, and behave kindly, almost always, but I can't pretend that I don't do everything alone by using the inclusive "we."
Jim - let me say I admire people who admit that they are too selfish for children. Many do not, have kids who suffer, and all are miserable.
The resentment and blaming is something I deal with too, so you are not alone. Every once in a while it rears its ugly head and I have to deal with it.