dh has never been an easy person to get along with. Always very loving to me but sometimes mean to others. When he started escalating in his bad behavior I didn't link this to dementia. The thought just didn't occur to me and I am an RN dealing with the elderly. I was afraid to go any where with him because of his rages. His psychiatrist even didn't think DH had a clue that he was ill. Now that it is too late I am so sorry that I wasn't brave enough to talk to DH about his illness and reassure him that I be here for him. He is now in a dementia ALF in a zombie state. He eats and breaths-that's it. No understanding of anything around him. I wish I had found this group many years ago.
I heard this one time, "Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving!" It is so important for all of us to love ourselves. This is a horrible disease to go through for everyone involved, especially when you did not have a diagnosis to at least help understand. Then, if there have been severe problems in a marriage that makes it even harder. My hat is off to all of you who are caring for someone who might have been a burden in normal times. I feel so lucky to have a DH who I deeply love - but remember, this is my third time around the marriage bed. I might have driven the first spouse over a cliff rather than care for him! Here's something else I learned traveling through life. You can only give from your overflow. We can't deplete ourselves beyound our abilities or we won't be any help to our LO. That is so hard for those of us who feel much more comfortable giving than receiving. Right now we are spending a week with friends. I haven't had to drive when we've been going someplace together - it just feels wonderful to be a passenger and I think of that as something wrapped up with a bow, too! bluedaze - try to do something special for yourself today. I'm rooting for you!
Frand has spoken to the concept of guilt very well and eloquently. I believe that many of us and in fact most of us are people who try to do the best we can in any situation or problem. But we can only bring the experiences and talents and abilities we have to any situation. Later as life teaches us more it isn't fair or kind to ourselves to look back and say I should have done better. We can hope to do better today and tommorrow based on all we have learned or experienced. I join frand in suggesting that for today you do something great for Yourself.....