Dear Joan...You nailed it again. This is exactly the point I have been trying (gently) to get across to our kids. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU! Seeing your Dad depresses you? He's so depressed he needs medication for it. Conversation is awkward? Think how awkward it is not to understand or be able to respond. He dosen't know you? BS, he says your name immediatley and his eyes light up. We have been given the opportunity to give John a few minutes of happiness every now and then but they just can't see it because they're so wrapped up in how this disease is affecting them. My SIL died of cancer at 36. Just yesterday my BIL told me how tired he got of people telling him how affected They were during the last few months of her struggle. I guess I want my family to put the emphasis where it belongs. They are out in the world enjoying productive enjoyable lives while their Dad is slowly disappearing in a nursing home. Boo-hoo for them? I don't think so. Thanks for opening the door that allowed me to vent. xox cs
Joan and CS...Both of you are totally correct..Caregiving is about what the other person needs, not about our needs and misery. Once we accept our role as caregivers, our concentration has to be on our loved one. It is not about us, but about them. We are their only link to the real world, and our concern must be directed towards their needs, feelings, and wants. In the process, we do become destroyed because it is the most challenging role we can play. We do need support to keep us going, but our main thrust should not be about our wants or our needs. Yes I dream about what I want, desire, and wish I had, but that contradicts what I have, what she wants, and what she needs. I need to choose which is more important....my welfare or hers. If I cannot be her advocate, then I should quit my job as caregiver and seek my wants and needs. It is a difficult decision, because I hear many exclaim that they would not put up with all of this. Yes it is about putting up with this. My needs and wants, dreams and desires must be subdued, and I need to concentrate on my unique role as caregiver. I can only succeed if I do this. Otherwise, my goal becomes what I want, my actions will make things easier for me, and I will forget that my primary goal is to take care of my dw. I have become committed to this fight, and it will be a fight to the death, and I am willing to give my life up to accomplish this. Call it a suicide mission, but I am the last weapon in the arsenal. Call me the Kamikaze Caregiver! In my battle, I will place my dw in a nursing home only when I become convinced that it is better for her, and not when I am battleworn and cannot handle it any longerr. I will become wounded many times in this battle, and expect I will need many Medics to make sure I stay alive. In the long run, my success will depend on not being mortally wounded, and I will wear body armour, and "duck" the shrapnel more often. I can only earn my Caregiver Medal of Honor if I survive the war, and I have officially declared war on Alzheimer's. I am a formitable opponent, and have accepted the suicide mission. I cannot win the war against Alzheimers, but I certainly can wreak havoc with its attacks, and delay it's advances, destroy its strongholds, and counter its many sneak attacks. Unfortunately, some of the sneak attacks will come from my dw, who is being controlled by the disease. Those attacks are the most painful, because I often think they are coming from her, and not from the enemy within. My advice on this is to discover the enemy within, and not to fight the "loved friend" who is trapped inside.....save the friend, but destroy the enemy whithout inflicting wounds on your friend..... I can just see the headlines....Idiot is fighting Alzheimer's without a chance of winning.... What no one understands is that it is not about winning the war on AD...There is no cure for it, and its progression is very certain- it results in death. It is about succeeding as a caregiver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only be worthy of the caregiver title if I am a good caregiver.....after all, anyone can be a poor caregiver (I am amazed how easy that is....) but a good caregiver requires accepting the suicide mission...I have vowed not to give my dw some "happy pills", or comfort drugs or to use my 50 caliber dart tranquilizer gun, unless I am convinced that is is totally necessary for her benefit and not mine..It would be easy to keep her sedated, and would certainly make my caregiving easier. But I will not take the easy route- sedation, drugs, nursing homes, etc. I want to be what she needs, and not what I need. (My list of needs will be found at a later date, probably on my obituary..)In the meantime, I will become the first member of the Kamikaze Karegivers Club. Welcome fellow Camikaze Caregivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"...But then I realized – As he is disappearing, I am pulling away. We do not talk substantially; we do not make decisions together; we do not share winks, confidences, and private jokes anymore. How can we? He neither processes what is being said, nor remembers what was said. But he FEELS. And he feels lonely and sad that we do not have the closeness we shared for over 3 decades..."
Right. Well, you HAVE to pull away (or at least I do,) because to try to "have the old relationship" is a guaranteed recipe for heartbreak and getting smacked down every time. Because it doesn't work.
But, yep. Even though it's his equipment that is broken--can neither transmit nor receive properly--someone who's still in there notices the silence or static.
Joan, I'll probably read your blog many times. I admit that I have a lot of "pity parties" for myself. I need to start thinking more of how Jean must feel. Your article woke me up. Thank you.
Wow! Way to go Phranque! I haven't read Joan's blog yet, just skimming through here. I have to hope we can all survive and at the same time provide the best care possible for our loved ones. Not sure what that means at times because all four of our children seem to have different concepts of what that means as well. As long as I'm able to be here on duty, I think they are comfortable. At times, I think.. well if I can be here on duty, that keeps them from having to interrupt their work/leisure/family times. At other times, I think DH deserves more attention, more opportunities for socialization, more everything than I provide. AND other times when these months/years are so completely engrossed in dealing with DH's condition or welfare or etc..that if left to my own doings, I'm not even sure what those doings are or could be. I'm thankful for this place and for all of you who share..
We've gone past the getting smacked down every time here - and I gather Syd may be going past it too.For years there was very little closeness, when neither he nor I realized what was going on, only that he couldn't think straight about the problems he was trying to solve.. so he withdrew so much from ordinary life and JUST concentrated on the problems which of course made it worse. In the two last years the closeness has started to return, as he has abandoned all attempts at doing the things that he had concentrated on for all of his life.
And this morning, as I was tying his shoes, he put his arm around me and said, unbidden, I love you. I cannot remember the last time that happened. We hugged for a few moments, I cried, and came down to read Joan's message. When he was saying that, I was thinking HOW LONG can we go on with me struggling to dress him, get him walking every morning? HOW LONG before I admit I physically can't do it any more!
I wish that all of us on this site could live in a compound like the Kennedy's in Mass. That way, we could run out in the street and scream when we felt like it and the ones that were having a good day could come out and give us support.
You all are such inspiration when I want to feel sorry formyself. Phranque - you could be out motivational speaker. Your words bring me to tears of shame of my selfishness in this process. Thank you for the beautiful example of real love for your wife. You both are very special people.
Marsh, I too am sharing the above with my closest supporters in hopes that through the amazing words of others they may come to a greater understanding of what my DH and I are going through.
frank, I also would like to share yhour post with some friends, maybe even on Carol's Blog. Still working on this idea. Your post was so real and meaningful. It explains our true calling so well. Thanks, bill
Phranque, Joan and CS you are all right on in your comments. I would like to add that all the people who say they are sorry for me and all the trouble I have should try and see how our spouse is feeling. I Know as you all do that the fear in them is unbeliveable (we see it every day). I wish that my relatives and friends would try and still have hope for Mar instead of lerking around in the shadows. My brother who lives in our home in a apartment told me just the other day that he would run as fast as he could from our situation. (likely why he is 58 and still single). I to am a lifer and will care for my beautiful wife until I can't give her the respectful care she deserves. Eventhough I don't post often I find great comfort and advise reading this message board and I thank you Joan for having the streghth to start it.
I'm with Phranque. Have been from the beginning. We are in a fight, to care for and get our LO's through the long ugly, process of this diseae, in all its forms. And we do win. No, we can't save our Lo's, they will leave us. But we can do everything humanly opossible--and then some-- to get them through it as safely, comfortably, respectfully, careingly as possible. That is our win. We hurt for our losses; we have to armor up against the blows to our hearts, but they really aren't as important as the hurts and losses our LOs experience. Explain to them why their family doesn't keep in touch; why they can't do things so easily anymore. Try to relieve their fears--fears they don't even understand. We field it all. We are their first and often only line of defense. When we take on the role of caregiver, we have to become a Kamikaze Caregiver, a White Knight--and make up our minds to use every tool available to us, to get our Los through this. We will win, and we will survive. That has to be our goal.
phranque, I couldn't read thru your post, I'm too sleep deprived. If I can get enough sleep in the future, I can get thru it all. Will comment at that time.
Joan and phranque, both of you are right on target with what all of us are going thru and how we need to get thru it. Insite is beautiful and both of you capture it so well. The rest of us round out the edges with our input and thru this all we succeed in our quest for the best life for our loved ones and ourselves. God Bless us all both our loved ones for putting up with us, sometimes against their will, and us for totally loving them and supporting them in this dreaded disease..... good night to one and all and keep the information coming.....
I wish I could feel this way, that his suffering is greater than mine. I'm acting that way, I'm setting up our life around his needs. But I still resent too much what I have lost or will now never have. My way of understanding such feelings is that I need to accept them and give myself time to work through them, not try to force myself to be selfless.
Pamsc- one of my biggest problems was acceptance...somehow, I thought this problem would get fixed. The more I researched, the more I realized that it is a progressive disease, without any form of control. I accepted that part, and resented having to deal with it. Yes, I was caregiving, but I hated the way it interfered with my plans, my schedule, and my life. Suddenly, I understood what it must feel like to be the person afflicted with the disease. My thoughts wandered, and I began to consider a different perspective....What if..... What if my dw understood exactly what was happening?? what if she still understood everything? What if her mind comprehended, but her responses were not controlable?? I used a tv remote as an example....what if I hit "play", and the dvd started to rewind?? what if I hit stop, and the disk played...what if I turn up the volume but the channels changed... clearly the intent was there, but the response was not what was expected.... with this perspective, I suddenly saw a different mind set...what if my dw wanted to express love, but only anger came out?? what if she tried to speak, but only gibberish happened?...I tried to put myself in her state, and wondered how I would react if I hit the play button, but suddenly the channels changed... we all have heard that the reason button is broken....but what if it is not?? what if the reason button just does the wrong thing??? I then decided that my feelings, my concerns, and my reactions had to be second in line as far as priorities...I am now concentrating on her, and trying to understand her reactions and feelings. I decided to become the Kamikaze Karegiver.....take on the suicide mission, knowing that I will get wounded, shot at, exploded, and possibly captured but that I had to keep going, despite getting knocked down constantly. Acceptance of the disease was the key..it is progressive, there is no cure, it is terminal, and the only thing I can do is to tend to my dw's needs...I realized that it should not be about fighting the alz devilbeast...that I cannot win, but will destroy myself trying....the only thing I can succeed at is being a great Karevier....With that in mind, I have rejoined the struggle, and now am more indestructible. I now can officially say that I am carrying the cross, and that I stopped dragging it....
Phranque, your posts keep getting better and better. Keep it up! And you are so right when yo say, "...I am carrying the cross, and that I stopped dragging it..."
Absolutely, Frank, I've thought that about my husband as well - I want him to go right, I think he WANTS to go right, but he goes left. He's not able to control his actions. He'll yell at me, but when I laugh or grin at him, he mirrors my face and gets it right and grins at me.
Frank, I agree that there is a person in there that is whole and knows what is going on around him. I get to many touches that make me continue to believe that. I have looked into the eyes of many of the residents where my husband is and can see that there is a person trapped in there. There is no winning the battle against AD however, there is fighting to give them the best life they can have at each stage on the journey. Winning is about ensuring that they get the right care for where they are in the disease. I do believe that they try to communicate in whatever way they can. We just have to keep adjusting our ways of listening.
Kamikaze Karegivers Club -- I love it, Phranque, but after thinking about it a couple days since reading your first post above, I must admit I'm not a Kamikaze, but a struggling survivor. I still think that MY life is valuable too, and also that it's important for me to survive in good shape if I'm going to mean anything to my LO.
So, good luck to you valiant souls made of sterner stuff, I have great respect for you, but no suicide missions for me. At each step of the way, I'll be weighing what's good for DH against what's good for me, and hope I have the strength to make responsible and ultimately kind decisions for both of us. It's not easy.
THANK YOU, Jeanette, for expressing what I imagine are the thoughts of many. And, you did it so beautifully.
Ever since this thread started I've been trying to find the words to express my difference of opinion without sounding overly whiny. I simply am not as selfless as some and make no apologies for it. I will do the best I can but I will not give up my life to save another with a terminal illness.
I, too, have been trying to figure out a way to respond to the Kamakazi Mission. Yes, my blog was about being more sensitive to the emotions of our AD spouses, but I do not believe it should be at the expense of killing us. I have written many blogs and we have had many discussions here about just how far we should go in selfless caregiving. I have loved and lived with my husband for 2/3 of my life. I barely remember my life before him. I will do whatever I can to make his life easier and more pleasant, and I will keep trying to be sensitive to his emotions, and not just think about my own.
However, I will not allow this disease to kill me too. 2 years ago, Sandi* said it best - I don't remember the exact quote, but it was something like - I will not allow Alzheimer's Disease to take both of our lives. When it comes to the point that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally unable to care for my husband at home, I will place him. Everyone's "line in the sand" is different, and I am sure mine is far sooner than many of yours, but I am not, as phranque calls it, on a kamakasi mission.
Yes, Jeanette and Weejun, I agree with your views. I will do the best I can, as long as I can and then I will place him. We, each, should know when that time comes and prepare ourselves for it.
I have never known a family to totally agree on anything, and this one is no exception. My heart goes out to all of us as we are on this journey. Each of us should find our limits, and act accordingly. Our spouses (spice) would not want us to sacrifice our lives just for a short amount of time spent easing their way.
Jeanette, as Weejun said, THANK YOU for expressing HOW i FEEL so beautifully. And thank you Weejun! I have stated on several of our discussions, that I will do all that I can to make this journey as easy and pleasant as I can for my husband. I will not, however, sacrifice my health and well being. I have found what I consider a median, which allows my husband to stay at home, except for five days a month, with me and my grandson, while I continue to work and pay the bills.
I admire Frank and others who have expressed beautifully their thoughts and feelings, and I'm so happy that they feel the way that they do.
Frank has so much on him, and to see this beautiful man take what he takes, and do what he does, and feel the way he feels, I find so exceptional and I am so happy he's a member of my family here!
I have been slowly distancing myself from my other half for two years now. I love the toddler who remains, but my husband and best friend are no longer there. He makes no claims, is totally docile, easy to please, easy to make happy and even the Hospice people tell me he is a dream patient. I know most of his wants from 46 years of marriage and have supplied them. I now have over 400 DVDs that I have purchased over two years for him to watch these favorites of his in order to help entertain him and he was pleased. He is losing muscle strength now, and is weakening. He can't talk except to say yes, and has the attention span of a 12 month old. I know he has left me, but I won't leave him. I haven't been writing as much here as I was, because it is hard for me to express myself right now.
I think each of us has to determine for him/herself what is right for our own situation. Comparisons are pointless because no two marriages are identical and no two demented spouses are. Most of us, if we had it to do all over again, WITHOUT benefit of hindsight, would do things pretty much the same way because we were already doing the best we could. Kudos to each and every one of you for being there for your LO.
Mary, you have expressed yourself beautifully. Due to extreme violence I could and would not keep my husband at home. I would have had to create a jail like situation with both of us incarcerated. Before placement I was losing incredible amounts of weight, not sleeping and crying all the time. My children would have lost a mother as well as a father. For a long time I carried around a great deal of guilt about placement. Lots of could haves, should haves and would haves. Now I realize that if I had not made the decision I would have been dead and my husband just as far along as he is today.
Good point Mary. Our attitudes and ways are not always going to match up exactly. I very much appreciate your words, that "he has left you, but you won't leave him." Me too. I will take care of him, but I will always hold an important part of myself in reserve. Emotional distancing, and a loving, but somewhat more "generic" approach to caregiving are my survival mechanisms.
Thank goodness someone commented on this. I hated reading Frank's post about saying that he knew that his caregiving was going to destroy him. I believe Frank has too much piss and vinegar in him to just let this disease take him, too. I truly believe that we can do battle, cry, scream, protest and fight with all our might, but we don't have to go down with the ship.
Do any of us think that our beloved spouse would want us to destroy ourselves to care for them? Would we want them to do that if the tables were turned? I don't think so.
I make no excuses for finding a place for my husband to live when his needs and behaviors were more than I could handle. I am strong, capable and very wise but I used those attributes to figure out that this was not something I could do all alone. I found a wonderful place for him and spent many hours every day there making sure he was well cared for and learned valuable lessons that served me well when I brought him back home.
I am not a selfish person, but I did realize that I was going to outlive him....he was only 61 when he finally died...and that if I did not keep up some semblance of a life I could end up a bitter old person with no friends and no interests. I had no intention of doing that....and I found a happy balance that kept him well cared for allowed me to still enjoy the joy of living.
I admire each and every one of you for what you are dealing with....I know so very well how hard this is.
When hb was diagnosed the first words from him was: do not do what my mom did. As soon as you can, put me somewhere. He mom killed herself taking care of his dad. That was 2001 and his dad is still alive. If she had not been so prideful and stubborn, she may still be alive today. But no, she refused help from anyone taking that as a sign of weakness. I did not hesitate to agree. And as has been discussed on other threads, our marriage has been far from great. I do not have the desire to be a mother taking care of an adult child in the later part of this disease. I have finally gotten to the place where people do not walk all over me or take advantage of me because I was afraid to cause waves. I already know that if when the time comes and I place him I will encounter a lot of criticism from my oldest sister - I know this because I mentioned it and she said I should keep him home. Of course, she doesn't believe he will get that bad. She took care of her husband until he died refusing to place him because he wanted to die at home and she couldn't leave him, felt it her job to care for him until the end, etc. But, she did place our mom in a NH when she became too much.
To Frank's credit, some people are born caregivers (just like born mothers or fathers) and Frank is one of those. He is the type of man you rarely hear about and even more rarely have the honor of knowing. I think Marsh, Dan and Bill (those are the names that come to mind) also are in that rare breed.
My humble apologies to anyone I offended with my post. I think I chose the wrong moniker- Kamikaze Karegiver...I think that was a poor choice of words. I did not mean that I was going to let this disease destroy me....I meant it more in the sense that those pilots were stupid enough to believe that crashing their plane would actually win the war.... Relax, I am not going to be the second victim. Yes I hurt badly, and see downhill signs every day that break my heart, but I know that it will pass, possibly sooner than I expect. I think Olddon was right....I am full of used cheeseburgers
Frank, I do not think you offended anyone, at least I was not. I think your post was good in that when people are honest like you were it causes the rest of us to face that area. And 'Kamikaze Karegiver' is the type of description I would expect from you due to the sense of humor you have. It is your honesty and humor that creates our admiration and most of all appreciation for you and glad you are with us (wish you were not having to do this journey though).
No, Phranque, absolutely no offence, your post was very thought-provoking and that's what we're here for -- to share our thoughts and experiences. And you're right that being a caregiver demands a lot of sacrifice. The hard thing is to judge how much. And that will be everybody's individual decision. The good thing is that we are fortunate enough to be able to make these decisions armed with lots of knowledge and understanding that we've found here.
I don't think anyone was offended by your post, Frank. I just don't want to see any caregiver get so mired in the everyday crap (Iiterally and figuratively) and forget that they also are deserving of a good life and needn't sacrifice themselves to the AD monster. Caregiving is a team sport....no individual can do it alone...getting other team members is not always easy, but in the long run it is the only way to get to the end with any part of ourself left.
No one was offended by your post. Your writing and opinions are honest, thought provoking, and welcomed. Your post sparked the type of debate that is healthy, positive, and can only benefit those who participate.
And thank you to all who "agreed to disagree" with Frank without descending into the nasty misunderstandings that sometimes ruin good debate.
JeanetteB...you are so so correct...caregiving demands a lot of self sacrifice and I do have a hard time judging how much. My dw is harder to handle than most spice on this board...I realize that I do have a life, but I do not have the freedom to choose..How I wish I could go on a cruise with all of you, but There is no way I can even envision that possibility. I will have a life once this is over. In the meantime, I just need to stay off the roof with my shotgun....(no I do not own a gun...never did, never will) Additionally, I am trapped...BlueCross just informed me that they do not cov er "mental benefits", SSI says that we do not qualify for disability, Medicaid says that we have too many assets to qualify, nursing homes are not covered by insurance, medicare, etc....and self pay is $6500/month. I never made that kind of money in my entire life....so I am stuck with having to care for her until the end...Keep in mind that she is very belligernt, does not want me in the house, is very very difficult to deal with. Try to imagine taking care of someone who fights you each step of the way...Doctor appointments require a week of preparation- ie calling the office several times so that I can set the stage...cancelling and rescheduling when she refuses to go, getting her ready for the appointment (requires at least 4 hours....showering, washing her hair, shaving legs, styling hair, applying makeup, and then seleceting clothes ...which she will change a minimum of 4 times.....finally, when we are out the door, there are at least two more trips inside to check for items she forgot, lights that need to be left on, etc. Also, the daily barrage of phone calls from her each time she is agitated...calls that last at least 1/2 hr to 2 hrs, just to calm her down....ie calls because she because cannot change channels on the tv, cannot figure out how to lock the door, etc etc. My defense in all this is to find humor and laugh often. I know I will survive because there is no "straw" that can break my back...I will get up over and over, and will not ever give up. Again, my circumstances are very unique only to me, and what I hate the most is when people ask me how I put up with it. I really have no choice or options. If that does not make sense, then it must be Alz.........
phranque, I can't imagine how you do it! My hat is off to you and others who do it and have such a rough time. I vow not to be whiny anymore. Thank you for posting this.
Phranque, please call Blue Cross and ask for a "case manager" and explain that your wife has Alzheimer's and ask what is available on your plan. The case manager will go to bat for you.
As I said in my earlier comments here: "Frank has so much on him, and to see this beautiful man take what he takes, and do what he does, and feel the way he feels, I find so exceptional and I am so happy he's a member of my family here!"
You, Marsh, GC, Trisinger, Baltobob, Ol don, Dean, TJ and the other men are extra special to us all!!!
I was absolutely NOT offended by your post, Phranque. It sparked a wonderfully honest discussion.
As others have said so well, we each have our own cross to bear whether we drag, carry, or kick it down the road. I have much admiration for everyone on this board. In Vickie's words "hugs to all".
Do what Mary says ASAP - believe me, she knows what she is talking about when it comes to Blue Cross. Also, the only reason your wife would not qualify for SSI disability would be that she does not have enough "quarters" of working or that she stopped working more than 5 years previous to diagnosis (am I correct, Jane???). If neither of those apply to her, she should qualify.
Now, we need to get you some help. You are in Florida, which has some of the best and most comprehensive services in the country. First, call the Alzheimer's Hotline - 800-272-3900 - tell them where you live - if you don't know your local Alz. chapter, they will tell you based upon where you live. Tell them you need to find out how much "free" respite you are entitled to. It may not be much, but even a few hours a month to help with ADL's and doctor's appointments are better than nothing.
If you don't get satisfactory results from them, e-mail me, and I will give you numbers of people and places to call.
There is also the link on my home page - "elder care locator" - left side. Those are places that charge, so let's work on the "free" stuff first.
The blue cross problem just surfaced when they refused to cover the $4582.00 charge for the pet scan....at first it was a coding problem, then a "non covered" benefit. Yes I am on the phone with them since they authorized it with 100% coverage, and we had prior approval. Also, the hospital gave me a week to decide that they would accept 50% payment to settle....also the dr visit is no longer covered because it falls under "mental health benefits, and our policy does not cover that....I would think that premiums of $484 a month would cover more than that....So far, I have logged 7 hrs of phone calls between dr, hospital and blue cross....(as if I have time to deal with this...) Yes Joan, Audrey stopped working in 1999, and ran out of credits in 2005, and we did not file until 2009, and finally received the full diagnosis in October 2009. Her medical history does indicate prob lems since 1999, but not officially diagnosed....so Ithink I am in the creek without the paddle on ssi.... The alz organization was also very generous..they offered me a bracelet in case she wandered....So very generous of them since my dw is not a wanderer, nor do I think she will ever be...her damages are not memory but in reasoning, judgement, motor skills, speech and language, math, and neuropathy...each case is different, but after reading the pet scan results, the damage, and what each area of the brain is compromised, it does match the synptoms that my dw is having. the elder care is also not an option,,,my dw wants to be alone, because interaction with people agitates her and she wants to be alone...hence why I am homeless..and living out of a suitcase....I visit every afternoon and stay about 9pm every day.....My respite comes when I leave and go to work.... But alas, my wacky sense of humor pulls me through every time....I try to find the humor and joy in every crisis.......
phranque, I just got a taste of what you have been dealing with for some time, and truly admire your dedication to the cause. My DW has now shown the other side of her. No longer sweet and cooperative, but wild-eyed and uncooperative. Yesterday, she would not let me change her pants, nor last night either, so she had been in the same ones for about 24 hrs before I had to physically overpower her to get them off just recently. I'm not going to put up with that, unlike you, because I don't believe we have to. Either she is going to have to get medicated, or placed, or if those can't be done, end up in the hospital due to no pants changes, or not eating, etc. Since she is on hospice, I expect they will do something about it when I advise them of the new behavior. You are an exceptional man, and I'd do ok if I had half your guts. God bless you, and ALL the other quality caregivers.
Frank, each case is different but in every case there will be changes. Whatever the situation is today it may not be true tomorrow. Most of us have found that to be true. Your sense of humor will carry you through this stage and the next stage may be much better for you. I am praying that the future will bring you a much sweeter dw. ♥♥♥
I have learnt not to physically overpower my dw, even though she is 5'2" and weighs 109 lbs....she completely panics, and I back away and do not touch her at all....My last attempt to physically restrain her about 6 yrs ago almost ended with me in jail....she had smeared glue into her hair, her face and clothes, and I grabbed her and tried to get her into a tub...she fought harder than any I have seen, and still accuses me of beating her up...I then realized that if the police had been called, I would be the one in the back seat of the cruiser.....do you really think they would believe me?? all it takes is the accusation, a few bruises or marks, and bingo, the man is behind bars.....so now I run or leave the house, and she chases me around the block.......lucky me that I run much faster. I just wish she was sweet and cooperative....how easy it would be to take care of her....but everything I do is met with criticism, accusations, and nastiness, and nothing is ever appreciated. I have grown immune to the insults, and I am a duck....quack quack...it just rolls off my back.....