I am at my wit's end. My DH started yesterday to think I was his mother, which is OK, except he keeps asking where Chris is. Well, I told him I'm Chris. that was my first mistake. he's mad at me because I'm lying to him. He says I'm trying to make him think he's out of his mind. I just don't know how to handle this. I was hoping today he knew who I was, but no, now he has no idea. he says I'm the woman he married, but he wants Chris. he went to the garage to see if the car was there. i tried saying she went shopping and would be back soon, and he saw the car there. Has anyone else had this happen, and how do you handle it. I'm just so tired of crying.
try giving him a photo in a frame preferably if you have one of the both of you to hold??. sometimes that will calm them down. and tell him chris is busy--upstairs/downstairs/bathing. anything to distract him but she will be back soon. its all you can do - if his anxiousness persists you may need to tweak his meds and call the dr. its not good for him to be that aggitated -or you. so sorry, its a sad disease. i went thru being DH mom for a while too. i just was whoever he thought i was at the time. divvi
chris-he's remembering the person he married years ago and unless you've discovered some fantastic face cream you don't look like that woman. He probably won't recognize himself in the mirror. You won't be able to convince your husband otherwise. Hopefully a med adjustment will help relieve your husband's anxiety.
I think the idea divvi suggests is good. I would recommend that you tell him she went shopping with a friend or she is visiting relatives or something that will get him through it.
My husband doesn't know who I am and hasn't known my name for a very long time. Today he needed to know where we go to sleep and which side of the bed he sleeps on. I showed him that his pajamas were on his side of the bed and mine were on my side. I think that helped.
At this point he can still get dressed and undressed on his own.
He also no longer recognizes himself in the mirror, but I think he still can tell that the woman in the mirror is me. Or maybe not.
Chris, this too has been my heartache. My husband recognizes me as someone here everyday but not as his wife. It is heart wrenching I know. We are at stage seven now so he really is in his own world. He is emotionless except for when he is angry. Can barely walk, utter two or three unclear words and is starting to not want to eat. Its all just part of the process. I have come to accept this now as reality, but my heart still longs for and aches for the man who used to know me. You will be in my prayers.
he threw a screaming fit tonite because Chris, the woman he married, left and didn't come back. And it didn't matter how many pictures I showed him, he wouldn't believe I was chris. It's now 12:50. i just gave him some pudding which I added seroquel to, just to get him calm. I can't even think of going into bed with him. He's threatening to call the police and they'll arrest me because I'm lying. What planet is he living on???? I'm shaking with upsetment, not that i was afraid, but just because i do so badly in confrontations, I could barely speak, with the lump in my throat. When i put the dog in his crate for the night, that really set him off. I'm litterally shaking, even now. I just don't know what's next. What on earth can come next.?
Chris, what has to come next is you taking one deep breath, and then another, and another. We are here throwing the knotted rope to you and wishing, wishing so hard that we could do more than send you our love and support.
Chris, I hope so for you that the extra Seroquel helped and that he slept and will be calmer in the morning.
Someone here had a story about how they called from another room pretending to be his mother. Would it work for you to call him as Chris from another room saying that you will be home later?
chris, I didn't have this problem with DH, but a good friend who had AD would have days when she didn't recognize her husband, thought he was a bad man come to kill her. I made several emergency visits because for some reason she was okay with me. She ended up on ever more Seroquel and did much better, overall. She too sometimes became violent, swung at her husband, who was a sweetheart and took incredible care of her, cussed like crazy. It was awful. Sure sounds like you need chemical help. Hang on and please check in often, as we're all concerned for you.
Oh Chris that's so horrible. I've been waiting for that to happen. I'm so sorry. It seems to me you'll get the best advice here. We're all here to help you and give you the support you need. I'm no good at confrontations either. I can just imagine how helpless you feel.
since the weekend if coming up Chris maybe a call in to his dr today to find out how much extra seroquel you can add in fits of anxiety like this? i agree its not good to have him or you in this state.. divvi
Well, he did get up once today, and he wanted to know what I had done with his mother. I told him she had passed away 20 yrs ago, and he was so cold to me, like you would think I had killed her. anyway, he went back to bed. i think more pudding for dessert might be in order. It's lonely when he's asleep, but it's better than dealing with his anger.. Doc said I could give him 50 mg twice a day. I only gave him 25 this morning. I'll have to wake him for dinner and not looking forward to it. This was the sweetest, dearest man you could imagine, and he could not do enough for me. he even stopped smoking after 40 yrs when we got married. Because he wanted to live longer with me.
Chris, I read somewhere that when they ask for a deceased relative or friend that we should make an excuse why that person isn't there like "she's visiting so and so" or "she will be here next week". Anything to deflect the moment and avoid saying the person has died -- else they must go through the grieving process all over again. I have not needed to try this so don't know if it would work. Maybe someone will be along later with an idea. Hugs to you -- I know it must be very difficult.
Weejun, you are right...the best thing is to go "wherever" they are. It is much better to try to redirect their attention or change the subject when deceased relatives are brought up. It can, as you say, cause the grieving process all over again. My husband could always be distracted by food so that is what I used when he asked about something that might upset him. I did a lot of creative fibbing for a couple of years. Whatever works.....
OK, he got up in a much better frame of mind, friendly, warm, no memory of what had occurred. He did tell me he thought he had had a bad dream. the Seroquel, even tho it puts him to sleep, also relieves his fears, anxieties, or whatever it is that would cause him to think I had left him, and his mother was there. who knows. Anyway, all's quiet right now, so I'll just enjoy it for the moment. thanks to all for your input. yes, I know about deflecting the questions, but he often asks ,did they die, because he knows, deep down, that they did.
Bluedaze, you are so right, but I hate doing that. Today he got up and started fighting with me because he doesn't want to change doctors. We're living all the way up here and i'll want him to change doctors. PS, we've living here 10 yrs and continue to go to the same doctor as we always went to. He's talking about his eye dr at the VA. well, the language started again, and the yelling, who knows why. i kept telling him, we will continue to go to the same eye doctor. Doesn't matter what I say. He druther be mad.
Sounds like you need to give a regular increase of seroquil . I wonder if you told him you going to the old doctor, but took him to the new one, what would he do? I am thinking you need to tell him what ever he wants to hear, but do what you have to do.
Oh what an ordeal, Chris. It seems like almost anything is going rile him up. I'd sure add more meds. whatever it takes. To me you are a champion! I don't know what or how I would deal with DH if he ACTIVELY began to think I was an imposter or etc. I think our measure of 'last resort' is to call 911..if or when DH gets as agitated as he was before we started Risperidol. If the medication can't modify things..and he stays on one tangent or another, especially if nothing seems to calm him. Hoping somehow, things get better.
Well, lying doesn't seem to help. I'm his mother, chris when shopping... why is her car here? when is she coming back? why are you here? I can't keep up.
Chris I know what you are going thru. My Dh doesn't remember being married to me at all. We have been married for 43 years. I have just had to let it go and now I guess I am just here taking care of him. He has been on Seroquel 50mg at night and 25 in the morning for the last few months. Only once in a while does he get mad and want me to go home because I don't live here. Anymore i ask him if it is okay to go home tomorrow because I have to find a place to live and he says okay and then a half hour after that he is okay with me being here and has forgot he was mad. Is constantly asking me where everyone went. I just tell him they left. We had a plumber do some work under the house a couple weeks ago and now we have a man that lives down there but he hasn't seen him lately. One day at a time is how I manage and some days can hardly wait until 10 p.m. and bedtime.
Marie, it sounds like you are being very creative with the answers, good for you.
I haven't had to face the "not knowing me" yet. But when I tell dh that friends are coming to visit, almost always a couple, he will want to go to the grocery store and buy lots of food and then he keeps asking when "all those people" are coming. I wonder why they always expect a crowd.
Jeanette, I might be able to answer that one. To them, 2 additional people is a crowd as they have to work so much harder to concentrate and understand. I have a moderate/severe hearing loss and for me it is very difficult to function and understand when there are several people around all talking and moving. It is hard to concentrate and figure out what is being talked about and what is going on under those conditions.
For me, anything that affects my ability to concentrate affects my ability to hear. For them with their concentration already compromised, anything that can affect what is left of their ability to concentrate affects their ability to understand and focus. I somtimes wonder if the "noise" I hear when there are lots of people (more than 2 or 3) around me talking is similar to the "noise" in their minds.
I don't have the "not knowing me" problem either, but Jeanette, I have the same thing with we are having people in. We're having an open house this Saturday and I cut the invited crowd way back this year. DH is okay with it and loves to help me prepare stuff. But every hour or so he will ask when all those people are coming. Now he's worried that there won't be enough room for "all" of them to park. When I explained that we used to invite 80-100 and they always found a place to park, he doesn't remember those years at all. So sad. This may be my last Holiday Open House and I'm going to go out with a bang!
Dear Chris: just got on this thread, sorry to hear what you are going through...I get the same thing from my DH...at times he doesn't know who I am...Always asking for his Mother or My Mother..wants to know where did everyone go?? You just have to put yourself in their World...if he gets so agitaated, I think an increase in his Meds will help. It's llike we are walking on eggs..never knpw what to expect, and it does get harder each day....We are all dealing with a Monster of a Disease. This web-site is very helpful, each one sharing what they are going through, knowing we are not alone, on this journey. God Bless us all. Rosalie
Chris, It was in '04 that Bill first forgot who I was. It wasn't all the time but he would just forget at times. The first time, he had a bad night and when we went for a walk the next morning, we started talking about the night before. I mentioned that I didn't think he knew me and that I wasn't sure he knew who I was even then. He got angry and said "Do you think I could forget my own mother?" That was ony the beginning. For the last two years maybe longer, he had no idea who I was. But he always wanted me to be close by. Even though he didn't know me, he trusted me to take care of him.
This is amazing; I posted yesterday that I had not yet had to face dh not knowing me and this morning in bed I asked him to have a bath with me and he said, "No, I have a wife you know." Flabbergasted. So I said "What's her name?" and he said "Jeanette." I smiled and said "And what's my name?" and he said "Jeanette" and grinned. We didn't pursue it, got up (no bath) and that was the end of it, for now. But I guess I know what's coming.
JeanetteB my LO recently told me AFTER we were in bed that I'd have to leave as her husband was due home soon an he was a very good marksman,after giving her request some serious thought I told her he would have to sleep on the other side as I had just got mine warmed up,they then prowled the house watching the driveway,I guess expecting her husband to arrive,everyday something new huh?
Just to tell you a little more about the week from Hell, He was going to call the police on me today, and they would put me in jail, because .... oh, I don't know why, I guess because I said I was Chris. Well, he kept asking me to call her, and at one point I did, and then I made the mistake of walking into the kitchen while on the cell phone, and he realized it was me, and not ... me. OK, this is getting bad. Anyway, my daughter came up, and took him to her house. I did some Christmas shopping, and relaxed before I came to her home, and then he was happy to see me. I don't know if he knew who I was, and I don't care, as long as he doesn't yell at me. Well, tmorrow is another day, and he has a doctor's appt, so we'll see if he'll go with me.
You are so right. Nw she wants to fix another room for us, so we can be here more often. DH is still in bed, but when I went up to wake him, he flinched when I touched his shoulder. I can tell already it's not going to be a good day. It's just so hurtful, when he doesn't know me, and not only that, he knows that he wants Chris to be with him, and refuses to know that I am Chris. So he's unhappy, missing me, and I'm here. What a situation.
Chris, I feel so bad for you. Is today the dr's appt? Maybe he'll be able to help you. There's been times when Jean wasn't sure who I was but nothing like you are having it.
One day I asked my H what his favorite dessert was and he couldn't say. I asked him chocolate cake? or Key Lime pie? He said why don't you ask Julie (me), she will know. It's been off and on ever since.
I haven't really gotten the courage to talk about what happened on Thursday. today, now that things are calm again, and we are back home, temporarily, at least, the scene on Thursday comes into my mind. He asked me to call my daughter, because he doesn't know how to use the phone. Meanwhile, I was the wicked witch of the west. Anyway, my mind keeps showing me the picture of him, sitting in the living room, with his trench coat on (he hasn't worn in years, and it was way too cold) just sitting, looking like a 5year old, waiting for his mommy to pick him up, while he was waiting for my daughter to come for him. I guess to rescue him. That picture is just etched in my mind, and when I think of it, tears come to my eyes. OK, seems things are calm now but honestly, he didn't want to come home today. I promised him we would be back Sunday, the children have their Christmas play on Monday. I'll never get to wrap. My son wants me to come there tomorrow for dinner and stay over. Then go to the doctor myself (I have an appt for cortisone shot in my spine) and he will take his stepdad out to lunch or shopping or something to entertain him while I'm gone. The sadness is so overwhelming, it just breaks my heart. Why is there this terrible disease that robs a person of himself. Oops, I'm crying again, and I have to stop, or I'll be sick.
chris I am so sorry for all you are going through. I went through much the same and all I can tell you is that it will pass. Of course you have to be able to live through it.
Chris - does your daughter look at all like a younger you? If so, wonder if he thinks she is you? So sorry you are going through this. It has got to tear your heart apart. (((((Chris))))))
Chris so sorry you are going through this, my dh used to ask me to marry him and say his kids would love me, I would tell him we are already married to each other and have been for a long time, he couldn`t understand that , would tell me he was divorced and she was a bitch guess I was the good one taking care of him and the other me was the one telling him what to do all the time so he got rid of her. anyway, it lasted for about six months then he knew who I was again, then forgot me again, then he went into the nh and remembered me again and never forgot me again, that I am greatful for, he knew who I was for his last six months of life, that was my greatest gift from him. it is scary for you not to be reconized but it must be awful for him not to know where Chris is. Hugs to you both. Gail
I was going to reply to your post on "I'm in God's waiting room" thread real early this morning. I was reading it just as I was getting ready to leave the house for work. It brought tears to my eyes because everything you posted about your DH being angry with you, looking for his Mom, and now on this thread how you describe his not believing you are who you are and wanting to call the police on you. Oh, my. I could have written your exact words last Christmas. Matter of fact, I believe I did write all the same things you did. De ja vu! I just wanted to cry for you. I so know right where you are now. I'll keep saying prayers for peace for you as well as peace and comfort for both you and your DH. Bless your kids for being so helpful and understanding. It must be a heart break for them too. I know it was for my kids.
Chris, they say that as our spouses get farther along in this disease, that they regress in age (young adult, teenager, older child, toddler, infant) and therefore their memories of us (and other relatives) regress too. So if he is at the young adult stage, he expects you to be that age too. When he's a teenager, he will remember you at that age too...and think of the "Now Chris" as a mother figure! It is so sad, but there is no help for it. You must remember that they have NO control over what they remember or the "scenes" that their brains dream up. You can't blame them and it really hurts...but you can't let it....you have to build a wall to protect yourself while you take care of him. It is the only way your emotions can survive.
When they ask to go home, they are referring to the home they had at the age that they have become in their minds....not now...
I'm sorry you are going through this...it is a rough stage for both of you!
I never knew my husband when he was very young. I looked at his "regressing" as a bit of a gift so I could see what he was like when he was younger. He had often talked about how excited his mother would get and how she would come after him with a frying pan saying "I'm gonna kill you". Based on some of his behaviors, I can really see why see why she would have gotten so upset with him.
Chris, it is sad and awful that they can "forget" us as they go through this disease. I think their forgetting is hard when they sometimes remember you and other times forget you. There isn't much adjusting to that. A big dollop of a sense of humor helps deal with the situation - I never found that it helped with the hurt though.