Tuesday I see the doctor again and will TRY once again another antidepressant probably this time going back on Prozac which I took many years ago and at least I know side effects are minimal and the only one I had was lethargy, tiredness. I have that anyway. All I ask from an antidepressant anymore is that I don't wish I was dead and I don't obsess over family situations which I have no power to change. I'm sure that watching the television shows of HAPPY FAMILIES celebrating the holidays is contributing to my current mood so I've switched over to watching Criminal Minds and dramas about miserable people.
I had been working and even getting a little bit of assistance from DH to FINALLY make my bedroom something less than a chaotic mess filled with all the financial dramas and reminders of what my life now has become and of the life I left behind. It felt so good to make some progress. It's been a goal I've had with a coach/counselor since fall of 2007 and seem to be blocked at accomplishing it although I can get DH's space and communal spaces looking great. Go figure. I dreamed that I woke to find everything finished and order established in the room outside my bedroom I had been working on. When I got up to get a piece of toast and walked through the same mess, bumping into a bookcase and tripping over boxes, I just lost it. The thought just overwhelmed me that nothing will ever be accomplished while I'm sick or down. When I wake I wake to whatever mess was there. How pitiful and self centered this makes me sound I know.
This new renovated house is so small there it's hard to find room for things and when organizing there's no where to put anything except in middle of room, so in my just up from dream state all I could think of was that a problem could be solved if I would just get rid of anything of mine which wasn't worth money on resale and then finally there would be space and no decisions or clutter. I surprised myself by taking a hammer and destroying a bookcase (worthly almost nothing but I felt I needed it to hold things yet couldn't work it into any desirable space and there it stood in middle of room in my way). And it actually felt good to strike out so fiercely at something. DH got furious with me and came downstairs and grabbed my arm so hard it will obviously bruise. Usually I'll move away but just for an instance I wished he would kill me so I stood still and said, "go ahead." I hope by tomorrow I'll be glad that he didn't but for right now I just don't care. And I so wish I did care.
DH is capable of much, loves walking to the local bars to hang and listen to music, walks and feeds the dogs, can manage it seems anything he wants to do for himself. But couldn't move a few boxes out of my way so I wouldn't trip over them leaving my room. I know I know it's the disease (mostly, I can't remember the BEFORE very well) but knowing there's only me to care about me is overwhelming sometimes.
I need hope. I need inspiration, loveliness, something i don't even know. So, please post any you have. I need my Mother as the "i want my mommy voice" voice occasionally still goes off in my head until I come back to reality and remember she's gone, living to others, but not there as a mother to me.
Many years ago someone I knew well told me "You're a love magnet. People love you. You'll never need for anything as so many will be there for you." Ha! I think of that occasionally now and wonder how I lost whatever he saw in me then.I haven't him in 20 years. Wonder what he'd think of his remarks now. Okay enough of my maudlin thoughts. Felt I needed to express myself to someone even this computer screen reaching out to you all as I feel so alone right now. (CONT IN PT TWO NEXT)
Terry, I'm glad you're going to see the doctor Tuesday. A different antidepressant sounds like a good idea. I can't remember right now if you are seeing a counselor or not. I hope so. It's helping me a lot, although looking at the clutter in my house, it's hard to tell. I wish I could help, could offer you whatever it is you need, but I can't. I just wanted you to know someone was here and cared about how you are feeling. Please hang in there - this too will pass.
I care, too, and am sorry you're having a rough patch right now. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. Sometimes, you just have to go right through it to the other side. Sort of like having a broken arm and waiting for the doctor to fix it: you can't help by fighting the pain, you just have to let go and go with it and then through it. (Come to think of it, that sounds more like childbirth.) You will come through this, Terry.
I care, terry, because I've been there, and I know the feeling of helplessness and despair, but I also know the feeling of conquering that by the use of Zoloft and sort of getting a "mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore" attitude about my non-life. So I decided to take charge, and get 'out there' and join a gym, and now I have gained back the 15 pounds I had lost, and feel strong and confident again like I did at age 20. It CAN be done, and all it takes is faith in yourself, and knowing that you are a child of the Universe, and have a right to be here, and be happy. I know you can do it, terry, 'cause each new day is an opportunity for a new beginning for us. We need to grab on to it and take control of our own destiny with confidence. Remember, we're all in this together, and we will make it through.
thank you all for caring. Janet, I've seen so many counselors I can't count. The last one I saw ironically turned over my account to collections even though I was in constant contact trying to get an understanding of the amount billed and owed. He told me he was charging $100 per hour and that Blue Cross would pay 60 and I would pay 40 which I did at every visit. Total weirdness ensued later as it seemed he billed Blue Cross 190 and they olnly paid $58 and he billed me for the difference. I asked to talk to someone in his office and we played phone tag until I got letter from collection agency. This was the same psychologist who had done the two last annual neurospcyhs on my DH charging more here in Ark than we paid in D.C. area and were charging us for what they say we hadn't paid on that too. Normally due to my state and state of being "overwhelmed" I just pay things I don't even owe just to get rid of it but am outraged at this as I feel so used. This guy SOLICITED my business by telling me when he interviewed me for my DH's neuropsych interview that maybe he could help my depression which I offered up when he asked me if DH was depressed.
Anyway, counselors I still have access to one. I'm tired of TALKING and getting no where. Tired of trying to put family issues out of my mind as recommended. I know all the meditation, best things to do, etc. but this terribly DARK AND BLACK deep hole is beyond counseling. I've been here before. I know it will probably end as usually it has but I also know from the past few years that life will never be wonderful, that the best I can hope for is moments or even hours of happiness a day. I can't remember 24 hours of such since DX started with symptoms in 2003 or before.
What keeps you going? What gives you hope? What makes life worth living for you? Help! I need a list I can look to when I can't think of anything.
Terry = I have felt similar to you since childhood. I posted under another thread that I would be happy to go from Sept 30 to Jan 2 as too many bad, sad, negative things have happened in those months. What I didn't put and feel is: including being born. I have ups and downs. The ups for me is just not wishing God would take me home that day. I can't remember ever really being happy either for any length of time. What gets me through is my faith and hope that one day it will be as 'water under the bridge' and there will be happiness. I use to feel good that I wasn't like my grandmother, aunts, mom and older sisters -all divorced or widowed by age 50. Now I wish I had been because then I wouldn't be facing the current nightmare journey.
Charlotte, I understand. Thank you. I know what you mean about wishing to move out of a bad timeframe which reminds you of negative happenings. Thanksgiving was so bad last year as my Mother came to visit (long story and to painful to go into) resulting in the worst couple days of my life which caused more emotional pain than I have ever experienced. This year I just so wanted to get past that holiday time frame and was lucky to be invited to a friend's house for what turned out to be a small party of 5 dinner. Would have been perfect but started with DH feeling "balance" and dizziness issues and unable to make the salad he had prepared and at the same time I started with excessive sweating as a side effect of antidepressant and had to keep changing clothes while trying to cook and get out of the house. Whew. But then we were there and it was nice. Like I've said, a good day for me is any time at all without sadness, anxiety, etc.
I remember being in a large ritual once at a weeklong workshop retreat at the end of which each person went through a tunnel like structure and were told at the exit "You are wanted." At the time I thought "how silly. You know in advance they are going to say that. How can it help?" I was stunned when they said it to me though. You are wanted and I don't remember ever feeling that way by my own family and it was overwhelming.
I wish I had your faith. I don't. But thank you. You are wanted by me. Your words and empathy helps so much.It's horrible to feel no one else feels this way and it's clear from you that others do.
Terry, I feel your pian as I was in a simillar situation prior to my wife being diagnosed. I spent 5 years on antidepressants and a phsycoligist and 7 years latter I still cry constantlly. I was on effexor and found it to strong so Dr. switched to something else. Since my wife was diagnosed I stopped taking the meds as I needed to be fully functional for her care. She is now in early stage 7 and fadding fast. Terry, you said it best in your post about not obsessing about things you cam't change. My house is upside down as I have to do eveything and I don't care anymore. I believe that the thing we all should care about is enjoying all the time we have remaining with our LO. I know this is hard to digest but I always think about the hardships my beautifuf wife is going through ( as she kooks at me with fear in her eyes) and mine seem small. Please try to spend your time enjoying your spouse and all the things you still have. I have to go now as she is up and wandering, sounds like she's trying to go outside. Don't fail yourself.
selwynfarmer - how beautiful - thank you for sharing. I agree, I try to see the positives we have and have had. It is easier now that he is in a sweet stage rather than the years of raging we experienced.
And our house used to be perfect - he always kept things up and I did my part with the rest. I see now that those things aren't so important. Our house is half painted. He tried to paint it and it is a mess, I see cracks in the plaster, chips in the paint on the doors, weeds in the yard. Things that we used to keep looking good. I can see that is how old people - like us - let things go because they just can't do them anymore. Our family is a big help now that they see what is happening.
Like you, when I look in my LO's eyes and see the hurt he is experiencing, my life seems so blessed. Thanks for sharing.
Terry, I am so sorry to hear about your present situation. I really hope that when you change meds that your mood lifts. I know I have told this story before, but I want you to know I understand how you are feeling. I am not prone to depression. However, when my H moved us into an apartment thinking our (really his by law) house had sold, when indeed it had not, I sank into a depression. I was so tired of trying to supervise the whole mess, it was for sale by owner, and he had no guidance at all from a realtor or lawyer. Believing he was right about everything, and I was wrong, he made major life decisions that affected my life to the point I realized I had no control over anything. I do remember getting the advice to walk for exercise, even from him. WALK? I couldn't go down the stairs over to the mailbox across from the pool to get the mail. I did however get the energy somehow to go to a doctor, diagnosed as depressed and put on antidepressants. Lexapro has the fewest side effects, and within a week 1/2 I was able to get myself together.
I think one of the things that is most definitely bringing you down is your room. I bought a book called "Clearing the Clutter" according to the rules of ancient Feng Shui. It told of how clutter in each of your different rooms affects you in different ways. That your room is not operational, nor appealing, nor comforting, I think that would be the best place for you to start. Take what they call "baby steps" and each day try to look at at least one thing. Do you use it? Do you love it? Do you treasure it? Do you need it? If not, get rid of it. I think with each passing day of going through that process with at least one item, you will begin to feel better. I did this myself in my preparation to move, and whoa, did I feel better. I asked myself later, why was I holding on to so much stuff? Well, it's work to go through it, that's why. Eventually it will become an enjoyable space that doesn't overwhelm you each time you go in there. When you downsize, you just don't have the space to store all the stuff. If it is of value, sell it by consignment or give it to someone else to enjoy. If you find this too overwhelming, then hire a professional organizer. Probably worth the price of 2 counseling sessions. They take charge & will go through your stuff & help you decided what to keep & what not to keep. The goal is to make that room livable, which it hasn't been since 2007 and we are approaching 2010.
I hope this helps in some small way, and know that I am thinking of you with love. Sending positive energy your way, and please let us know how the new meds work out.
Thank you to everyone who has posted. Kitty, I can see you've been through a lot of this regarding space also. Downsized from 2500 sqft to 1200sqft and I've posted in the past the nightmare of the renovation of this place. But lately things had beenlooking up as I finally found a capable carpenter who also turned out to be a good person. I can't even make myself think back on what I went through for that year. Anyway, getting an organizer is a good idea. So good in fact that i did just that, at least as much of what could be considered one out here plus she had some carpentry skills and she was wonderful a couple months ago for a few days and we got much done but (and I even as I tell these stories they seem unbelievable) she developed ISSUES, drug related maybe, hard to tell.
Anyway, I'm all for that organizer thing and getting rid of stuff and have given and sold and donated what seemed all but the essentials. My tearing apart of the bookcase last night came about because I realized I would rather live without it than keep moving it around trying to make it work.
Believe it or not, I think I've done all the "right things" (counselors, antidepressants (Lexapro for 2 years before it stopped working, coaches, helpers, walking, spending time enjoying when I can my husband) but right now all those things are not enough I guess. My only hope right now is to get back onto an antidepressant and hope it keeps me from wishing I would die in my sleep. It just seems like I keep taking one step forward and one back. Walking was so great out here and then I got plantar fasciatis and heel spur which kept me from walking far for 9 months and partly on crutches when bad and which still lingers so that I can feel it after walking half a mile or so. And then falling in the motel on Aug 1st has left me with chronic headache due to what they call Post Concussive Syndrome. The foot pain leaves and is replaced with debilitating headache making it impossible to even drive without medication. And seeing doctors and seemingly incompetent neurologist about that. A matter of time and it will probably go away they say. I still have a bit of a tender hematoma on my forehead. I bore myself with all these things. What a pathetic mess I have become. I wouldn't want to be around me. Nothing is worse than the family siutation though but I have tried and can't seem to change it and obviously not everybody has a happy family - just wish I didn't want one so badly.
Selwynfarmer, that was beautiful what you wrote. I don't have the wonderful past with my DH that you have with your DW. I do feel love for him of a sorts, more now than before his DX as things were not good for at least a few years before that probably because of AD symptoms. We split up for a year in 97 and had a couple good years after that, good for us anyway, but our relationship has I think survived 30 years because we each were so independent and had so much personal space. He traveled a lot. I had my own business, which is another reason space is such a problem for me. I keep thinking I can get back to work but can't get the sanity and space to do so, so I have made many trips to the storage space to hold my life that might still be one day.
Whew. I've exhausted myself. I can't tell you what it means to hear back from you all here. I'm in bed wrapped tight in a blanket just letting the tears run when they will. DH is fine for anyone who might be concerned. He can still take care of himself fairly well and makes sure he has fun be it watching sports on tv or hanging out in the bars down the street. He's in the "ALL ABOUT HIMSELF" stage if that's a stage. I did take the car keys just in case even though he still drives fine.
When I get out of this bed and a modicum of order in this room I need to start concentrating on others. Couple weeks ago I spent more than 50-60 hours cleaning and "organizing" at my sister's house and it felt so good to do something for someone else and it really did keep my mind off myself and gave me a sense of accomplishment.
Yes, ALL ABOUT HIMSELF really is a stage. Generally it is the stage before diagnosis.
And frankly I think all of us caregivers need to do some ALL ABOUT MYSELF from time to time or we will not survive. In your case you need to see that doctor ASAP.
Terry: Just noticed that you live in beautiful Eureka Springs where they have a motel in the top of the trees. I would love to go there sometime if my DW was ever able.
Thanks for writing about your feelings and Thanks to Selwynfarmer for his perspective on the way things are for us. I had the same problem with the house being cluttered (and dirty) so I finally had to get a cleaning lady to straighten things up some and clean the house. Didn't matter to DW but, it sure made me feel better.
However, it will only last until she starts taking things out of dresser drawers again and stacking them in the floor. Sometimes, even if the house is clean, you can hardly walk thru it without stepping over the piles of stuff she has stacked on the floor. I don't like it, but.....
dean, you've got stacks. My husband has begun to hoard folded sheets of paper towels and paper napkins from the diner were we eat our main meal. And magazines. He won't let me through the ones that are a year old out.
thanks to everyone. not much time now as I'm actually getting ready to go out to a book discussion group! Things got pretty awful past several days as my family issues sunk to another surprising LOW. I actually googled "divorcing your family" and was glad to hear about others in similar situations or with similar feelings.
Saw dr Tuesday and am now on a new antidepressant.
Clutter is not really my issue so much as just not yet being moved in here to the extent that there is a place for most things. Did get some help though to paint some in a couple rooms. I'm trying very hard to take control of this house situation and get at least a little of the dream house we thought we were building. I hate feeling the victim so am now pulling out my original ideas and plans which got compromised and ignored during the renovation from hell.
Dean, YES we moved to Eureka Springs. We have some pretty cool treehouse cottages around here. Our house hangs onto the side of the cliff giving a tree house effect on the upper deck and in a couple rooms. Being here in the ice storm was something else!
Terry, very good to hear from you & to know you are out & about. (And starting new antidepressant! Hope it has a good outcome.) My hope for you is that one day everything in your house has a "home." I know you will feel better when it does.
Also hoping you can reach a stage of acceptance over the family issue. Yes, you are not alone. Is there perhaps an on line support group for that?
Terry: Sorry to hear about your setback. Still wishing you well in beautiful Eureka Springs. I have been there many times and always enjoyed visiting the Catholic Church. It is beautiful and going in thru the bell tower is awesome. Then, having a nice dinner in the old hotel across the street on top of the hill is just wonderful. (Can't remember the name of the hotel now, but, it is quite old and famous for ghosts.)
Starling: Isn't it amazing how we share the same daily trials, experiences, etc., even tho we all arrived at this stage in our lives from conpletely different directions. Thank you for writing your thoughts and experiences. I enjoy reading them.
My desktop crashed (it is old, like me) and I have hooked up DW's laptop, which she either won't or can't use to my internet connection. Looks like it is going to work ok, but, I have two screens (monitors). Oh well, that's better than none.
I have missed some of your recent postings because of this, so I will try to catch up.
Wishing you well.
PS: Dean on this computer is the same as Dean Haywood on the other one.
Oh my gosh it seems like just yesterday I was writing all this. can't velieve how much time has passed. My message to all taking antidepressants is to hang in there until you find the right one or right combo whether it's the first time or when you're switching like I was because the one you were taking just stopped working.
It's so hard when you're so down anyway to hang in there suffering through side effects which can be depressing in themselves but finally things have evened out for me after much trial and error - at least on the major depressive issue.
Thanks to everyone who responded and for this site for just being here. It took all my strength and energy to fight this battle along with some complicated personal ones over this past month but I am again HANGING IN THERE.
I think our mascot should be that little cat hanging onto a branch and looking scared. That's all ANY of us without a star are doing! Hanging in there. Surviving. Better than the alternatives, I think...
terri....you might be interested in visiting a site sponsored by The Foundation for a Better Life, You may have seen their billboards or ads on TV. Go to values.com............You can click on the area that offers quotations for just about every situation. It makes me feel better whenever I feel like opening a femural artery. I understand. No levity intended. Just my wierd sense, in order to cope.
Glad things are better Terri. I missed this thread but when I look back over some of my attempts to journal most of my whining is about clutter and so I have great admiration for those books and people who swoop in with their boxes and say keep or throw. We're all hanging in there together in various ways.. So thankful that Stuntgirl is recovering as well.