Started about my antidepressant switch on another thread, but wanted to start a new one cause I really need something, hopeful voices maybe, reasons for living, that we can get through, that it's even worth getting through. I feel horrible which is probably partly the effects of trying Prestiq for four days and/or withdrawal from Cymbalta, but I've felt like this too many times before to entirely blame new drug or withdrawl. I stopped Pristiq after 4 days of terrible side effects. I went from feeling pretty good most of Thanksgiving Day to feeling terribly down and dark and depressed the day after. Terrible insomnia which I already had but this made worse and was up till 6:00 AM then slept all day Saturday today even though I had anticipated interesting plans for today and this evening. Didn't get out of bed at all, slept mostly, on top of bed, never taking time to change my sheets. It's 10PM now and I've been at least sitting up for a couple hours mostly to freak out over state of things and lie here searching for television dramas to take me to another place.
I've struggled with depression most of my adult life but occasionally only and have never been on antidepressants longer than a year and I've never felt the future offered nothing better than the present like I do now. Difference I think being I was younger then and felt I had a life in front of me. Now I'm 58 and according to RealAge . com I'm really 83. DH is 67 but his real age is now mid-50s. It's hard to think of reasons to keep going sometimes except my dogs and my baby grandson I see a few times a year. Tonight is bad. very bad, but I know I'll make it through since I always do which doesn't make me feel much better, but PLEASE KNOW it's not necessary to alert anyone as to my safety. I'm well aware that the psychiatric medical system can succeed in confirming to those in the depths that they are correct to feel that way.
terry, I'm not going to try the sweet and fluffy, everything will be alright stuff on you. By your own admission you' ve dealt with these feelings before. They are real feelings and where you are right now. Have you been in touch with the Dr. about the med. problem? Do that ASAP, if you haven't. Then focus on the good things in your life. Keep a picture of your Grandson handy. Try to create a soothing atmosphere to rest, maybe sleep tonight, very soft mellow music. In the morning, as hard as it is, make yourself get up, get dressed, and eat a little breakfast. Then if possible go for a walk. Your mind cannot twirl you down the drain when you're doing soething that takes focus, like knowing where you're walking, the actual action of walking, keeping track of traffic and your route. When you return home, continue to chose doing things which require your full attention. These things will help you gain the upper hand. As you said get into a tv program, get into a book. You are the ultimate boss of what is happening to you. This is a set back, not anything permanent. You have a Grandson to spoil, sunrises to see, and things to do. Hang in there.
Thank you Carosi, will try to walk tomorrow if I can get myself out of bed. Moved here for the walking possibilities but when i get likethis i feel paralized to move. I do keep grandson picture nearby and will be it to closer to my sightline as it does help.
Terry, I have no words of wisdom for you, no experience, but I want you to know that I care and want very much for you to feel better soon. I hope you will take Carosi's great advice about taking a walk and doing other things that require your full attention. To me that sounds very wise. It's advice that I'm going to try to remember in case I come to that place in the future. Hope you got some sleep, get the meds sorted out and please keep posting. We need to know that you're all right.
Thank you Jeanette - my original post was so long it is in two parts and I keep forgetting people are responding on both. I'm still in bed wrapped in a blanket. Tried to get up but this damn headache from my "Post Concussive Syndrome" from head injury from my fall in motel on Aug 1 makes sudden movement extremely painful and until tomorrow when I can get prescription refilled I'm almost out of pain medication. But then even if it's pouring rain I AM GOING TO WALK in what some people who are thinking clearly as I am not sometimes call PARADISE. I moved us to this tourist town so we would be in beautiful nature and husband could walk to music and art when he could no longer drive. we moved here sept 2007 and he's still driving but he does love it here so it does make me feel good to know i've done something which has given him more than two years of mostly happiness after his diagnosis. I think that, along with being the parent of a son who has a wonderful baby and wife and interesting life, is what I feel best about. I might not yet have succeeded in making my life all that great but knowing what I've accomplished for DH gives me a great deal of pleasure even when he gets on my nerves and I feel like his pesonal maid and cruise director.
GOOD to concentrate on the things you have done well -- getting dh to a place where he can thrive (at the expense of a tremendous amount of energy and emotional investment on your part) and parenting a good son, loving a good grandson -- those are things to be proud of, and thankful for. The things that we have done well are their own reward. Terry, even though you're down right now, I'm sure you're still an inspiration to many of us. Hang in there, and keep posting.
sometimes we just need to talk to people and get our feeling out, it`s a cry for I`m lonley or troubled or in need of helpI wish I could help you ,feeling utterly despared is awful try to get yourself out among people, someone gave me that advice it`s hard but I am doing better for it, i no longer have to go through what most of you are going threw but my heart goes out to you, Terry , a dear friend told me to take the time to smell the roses, God bless you hun. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))). Gail
Thanks Gail, I appreciate your thoughts. This level of depression makes it impossible to go for a walk or smell roses or be around people when you can't get out of bed, can't stop crying or even worse staring into space like some kind of crazed zombie. But I did post here and I did answer one e-mail sent to me by a friend. For me right now that's progress.
Jennette, when I can get over to my printer I'm going to print what you wrote and hang it so I can read it maybe next to my grandson's picture and a photo of DH standing at the Buffalo River he enjoyed so much on Father's Day.
Moving out here to the Ozarks from Northern VA (DC) I can see was wonderful for DH but has cost me emotionally in ways I can never recover and physically has set me back years. If I hadn't moved us here I would never had had to face the pain of having family so close now (2 hours) and be faced over and over with this horrible sense of being without a family who cares about me or maybe even cares about family much at all. I know my mother is capable of love as I see and hear the love she has for my sister and I've tried and tried to talk with her about what has gone wrong but she acts like I'm out of my mind and refuses for the most part to discuss anything having to do with her. She was here last Thanksgiving for the most horrible couple days of my life acting so bizarre I couldn't begin to describe it but saying the most hurtful things I can't get out of my mind. I keep wondering what I can do to reverse things but have spent so much here that we can't afford to leave and besides I will take the hurt with me. Oddly though for the few months during the DX process and before we moved here my mother was so understanding and supportive on the phone that I often said I couldn't have made it through without her. Now she seems to go out of her way to say hurtful things or refuse to even just pretend to make "nice encouraging conversation" with me. I feel pitiful around my family like I am grateful for any little crumb. I think facing this family loss/hurt has been the worst part of all this Alz journey. And soon I know DH won't be able to talk with me even though I know he doesn't totally comprehend now I can at least pretend.
Tomorrow is going to be better. Today was a little better than yesterday and tomorrow someone is coming to help paint and help with some handiperson stuff. (If she shows, I'm going to believe she will, if not, I'll get back on some of it myself.
Dear Terry, YOu need to see your Dr. A.S.A.P. My friend was going through a terrible state of depression...even though she has been on Meds for the last 30yrs...she was in such a state of crying...she went on new meds..and is now feeling much better....Try to help yourself, by thinking of all the good memories...and your Grand-son...try your best to get out of bed..and into the sunshine...keep in touch with people...You will get better with the right beds....see your Doctor...Hugs and prayers..Rosalie
Hello Rosalie, yes I know am seeing dr. on Tuesday. I wouldn't miss that for anything in the world since I'm now withdrawing from one anti-depressant Cymbalta and abruptly started Prestiq but stopped after 3 days because it drove me nuts. No doubt about seeing dr. plus head injury still being observed so NOT going to dr. is not an option in any way shape or form. I'll be fine or at least what goes for fine in this new life soon I'm sure. Sorry for pouring out so much self pitying blather. Just weak right now.
Terry - I would wager that your constant pain is making the depression even worse. It can nullify any positive steps you try to take. I sure hope it goes soon. If you were happy in VA, moving even for your husband sake will make the depression worse.