Throughout our AD journey we constantly had the struggle to maintain what traditions we could, and make adjustments wherever and whenever it was required. The past couple of Christmas' were difficult in so far as getting out for normal shopping, decorating, and socializing with friends and family. DH for many years was Mr. Christmas, leader of the pack. But he was also, "MR. CREDIT CARD!" He had lost the concept of actually looking at what was spent versus what was in the bank, or what the income was. His income was fixed, and mine in the past few years was nonexistent. I was caregiving.
While in the trenches of AD repairs and upgrades went undone around the house. Eventually I took over 100% control of finances, etc. Had to take away DH credit card, because although he quit driving and couldn't go shopping himself, for a while he could still copy phone numbers from TV commercials and manage the transaction on "stupid stuff" over the phone. AD really did take away a loved one, but it also took away security, financially and emotionally. And those losses don't disappear instantly when the AD journey ends. Each of you who've suffered the financial losses involved with AD related job loss, caregiver expenses, medical bills, etc., know just what I mean. We all have to go through the recovery period. And for most of us it'll never again be quite the same.
This year is our first without Paul. Now I'm back in the working world, still not quite covering the amount that Paul's income provided.......but I'm also not spending so much as when he was with us. So I consider myself blessed in that respect. I thank God all the time that I even got a job in todays economy.
I'm wanting to not need to use a single credit card. My kids are pretty much grown, but still I want to do Christmas in a real spirit of giving. I want to do the simple baking, sharing meals, candy stocking stuffers instead of useless gadgets. And I want to do one particularly "USEFUL" gift for each of my kids. And something for the grandchildren that their parents are in agreement with. I know it sounds like alot of the "fun" of Christmas has to be replaced with practicality..........but that may not be such a bad thing.
Whether you are in the trenches, or already through the active AD journey, how has AD changed your Christmas/Hannakuh/Holiday habits and traditions? What adjustments have you made? What new ideas or traditions have you changed or created?
Last year Jim was in the psychiatric hospital over both Thanksgiving and Christmas. He had always been the one to wear the Santa Hat and read us all (big kids and little) the Night Before Christmas and the Nativity before the little ones went off to bed. Last year the hat "was passed" to our son Jeff. Jim and I always sat and had a brandy by the tree after everyone else had gone to bed. It was our special time. Last year in an attempt to make new Traditions, Jeff brought a Magnum of Champagne and it was him, my Mom and I who sat by the tree chatting quietly after all was quiet.
Now everything is different, DD will not be home, Jim will be home overnight so I will have him next to me in church and by the tree as we share a bit of our champagne with him. It's very difficult always wondering if this will be the last holiday, the last time he comes home overnight, the last Christmas eve, and on and on. Dementia has robbed us all of our traditions, hopes and dreams.
New Realm, do not use the credit card. That is the last thing you need is some blood suckers hounding you if something goes wrong, and as you know it always does. Christmas has been hijacked by the consumer mentallity and the marketing wizards. Christmas is a time to share the joy and peace that comes from knowing the Lord and his promise. That is not something you can purchase on your Visa and send to someone. Just my 2 cents
In 1969 both my parents and my in-laws moved to the same town we live in, so every Christmas Day from 1969 through 2007 was spent at our house with the three spare bedrooms, the family room, the library filled with overnight guests. In 2008 we sold our house and moved into an apartment with no room to entertain a group of people. Of our eight grandchildren, one grandson in particular is very oriented to traditions and does not like changes (you don't even change the Christmas dinner menu) so not coming to Grandma's for Christmas for the first time in his twenty-eight years was hard--but I guess it was a difficult change for all of us.
For the first time this year I decided not to worry about shipping costs and have been doing a lot of Christmas shopping by internet. So much easier. I was raised very frugally and used to go to four stores looking for something rather than pay shipping costs. Since dh HATES to go in a store it was a real struggle last year. I'm planning to do the rest of my shopping together with my DIL in Pennsylvania after we get there.
My husband has always had a certain obliviousness about holidays and rituals, so it's always been me instigating the purchase of the Christmas tree, acquiring stocking stuffers, figuring out what to get the kids, etc. Still, I could at least bring him along and have a bright, conversant friend, so the effect on holiday activities has really been the same one that's affected our lives across the board--that is, my spirit is dampened by the loss of my emotional ballast. So, I'm just kind of "eh" about it. Luckily though, everyone--extended family, our mostly-grown kids, have all been agreeable over the last few years to downplaying the gift-giving aspect of Christmas to where--for relatives--we gift each other with our food and mutual company, and--for the kids--I do stockings and give them about one other thing that they've specifically asked for. So, happily, the pressure is low.
I wish I could get it lower in my family. I think I'm going to be making some suggestions this year (AFTER the big gift exchange, which BTW I do love to bits). SO much fun for the little ones.
This year I am "skipping" Christmas. I love the family gathering and "spirit" of Christmas, but have told all the family that I just don't have the time, energy, or money to do the "gift" thing and I do not want them to buy me anything this year. If they want to help out, they are welcome to buy some clothes for DH when he goes to the AZ facility. I will put up a few floral arrangements I have made over the years, but nothing more. I feel like a grinch and very guilty, but I just can't see any other way this year. (I may feel different once I get him placed and settled in.)
gmaewok, I think once you get through this year and see how much it relieves your stress you will want to continue with some modifications. I only give the grandchildren money and let them buy their own gift between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I really think they enjoy it more. Of course our youngest is 13. If we had a little one, I would buy for them because it is a exciting time for them. I have rented a house for 3 days in ski area this year and our whole immediate family will be going and they are all looking forward to that. The daughters are now alternating hosting the Holiday family dinners and that was a great stress reliever also. I used to love that when I was younger.
gmaewok...I too decided to skip Christmas this year for the same reasons. No spirit, no money, and no energy. However, today at the facility there was a choir group from a local church performing for the residents. John sat quietly looking out the widow during the Thanksgiving music. When they began to sing Hark the Herold John sang along with great gusto and I sat there and cried. He actually noticed I was crying! I came home and immediatly put up the tree and decorated the mantle. If he still has it in him to recognize Christmas music the least I can do is make it as enjoyable for him as possible. I'm going to invite the family over in small groups spaced over several days. Not like the 40-45 people we used to have but a celebration none the less. My spirit turned 180 degrees today.I hope when you put your floral pieces out a little spirit will come over you. xox cs
Our Christmas has been evolving. My wife always did all the decorating of the house, so it won't get done - I have NO talent in that area. The kids have told me to get a small tree, which I will have to buy rather than go out in the woods to cut one. I'm not sure how well it will be decorated. Also, Christmas comes later. Our son will arrive LATE Christmas Eve (early Christmas morning). Our younger daughter and her family will arrive sometime during the day on Christmas, and our older daughter and her husband will get here LATE Christmas night. So we'll celebrate Christmas the next day (Boxing Day) after everyone gets up. There won't be many presents from me. My wife loved to shop and buy all sorts of things for the kids and grandkids. I have no such talent and have managed one present for each of the "girls" in the family, but so far that's about it. At least I won't have to worry about cooking since our kids and spouses take care of that aspect. I agree with moorsb that we should remember what Christmas is all about and enjoy our families and the spirit of the day.
Our Christmas will be with one less this year. All are coming home to be together and remember the meaning of Christmas and remember the good times with Diane too. She was always with me on Christmas, and she will be this year too. She'll be looking down and smiling at us.
I had thought to give everyone money this year, so that I didn't have to shop, but then I got a couple of really good deals by e-mail from HP, and found really great bargains, and they would be mailed to the house, so I bought gifts after all! I wrapped them last night, so that is one thing I can check off my list!
Like Marsh, the kids will do the cooking, so I don't have to worry there. I can just hug and kiss everyone and sit back and relax! My husband enjoys his presents and he did really well with everyone here this summer, so I'm hoping he will for Christmas too. I just want to feel Christ's love and remember his birthday surrounded by family.
marsh, everyone has some very nice artificial trees in any size you want - with the electric lights already on it. If you choose, you don't have to use any other decorations. Just set it up and plug it in. Love it. Be sure and get one where all you have to do is pull the branches down to make the shape you want. I like the "pencil type alpine trees" and they fit most anywhere. You may be surprised and your wife may like it.