Last night, my dh came home with three bags full of hats from the grocery store. He proudly told me he bought every hat they had on their display (this is approx. 100 hats) He does not understand that is not reasonable. This is not the first time he has "overbought" items, but the nothing as extreme. I have to handle him very gently, because he can go into sobbing depression if he thinks I am upset with him. Any ideas on what to do would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome to the shopping stage! Hopefully you can take them back and get your money back!
One of our spouses husbands went out and bought a new car!
Another ordered items online (that she had to return).
Another put things (that they didn't eat) in the basket at the grocery store when her back was turned.
Heaven forbid that they see a paid programming show or watch QVC!!!!
You have to hide the credit cards and check books (subsitute out of date credit cards so they won't go through) in order to get through this phase unscathed.
My husband clipped out the order form in the magazine, and tried to fill it out and made his own envelope and taped it together and put it in the mailbox! Thank goodness I had alerted our mailperson who did not take what was placed in the mailbox - I took it out when I got home! I kept them because I think they are cute.....there are two...and they couldn't have gone through because he didn't put enough information.
Stay alert and watch what he brings home and try to make sure you get the receipts so you can return them (without telling him of course!)...
By the way, this stage doesn't last overly long, if it is any consolation!
I thought I was the only one with this problem.My huband loves the Goodwill stores( no returns).We have so much junk we can never use.Knick Knacks all over the place.If I say no he goes into a rage.He did bring home 2 dozen hats one day,guess I was luck compared to Sherylita. Oh, and a dozen fireplace screens(we don't have a fireplace)This is going on over a year now.He also brings home junk from dumpsters.Oh,Lordy,what do you do?HELP
I'm so sorry you've encountered this problem. Mary has given you good info. We had the "gentle talk" about money, credit cards, buying stuff, etc. after he'd charged $4000 to a card I didn't even know he had. He didn't know what he'd spent it on. I did find boxes of stuff from "you can earn big bugs doing business our way" scam type. Enrolled in on-line classes, too. I stopped those--he hadn't done any lessons. Cancelled cards. Now I give him only $10 a week to spend on whatever he wants. He's better at saving now than ever. Counts his cash often. Still have to keep an eye on the shopping cart if he goes with me, but he seems to be over the *big* stuff. I've stopped most junk mail from coming. I think it is a stage, too--hope so.
Oh, yes, hoarding. Don't be too alarmed--unless you can't find a way to dispose of stuff w/o making a bit of a return on the $. My hb hasn't done that, but expect you'll be hearing from others who have experienced it.
Sherylita...my dh is the one who bought the car. Along with what others have mentioned be aware of telephone solicitors. My husband donated to anyone who called. Even gave our bank account number out over the phone! He started about 5 refinancing deals over the phone as well. Do what you have to do to protect your finances. Before I realized what was happening to John quite a big sum of money went to money heaven. Also be aware of sweepstakes. I've heard of affected folks spending small fortunes on them. Good luck and keep in touch. xox cs
Oh,and wait until Kitty gets on! Hers was really bad. Mine just gave thousands of dollars to the ACLU, which in the past might have gotten $20 every other year or so!
The drill is: Put all your finances on the web: bank account, bill paying, billing. Close out all but one or two essential credit cards. "Lose" his. Give him some mad money to spend if he seems to want it.
Sherylita, I think you're new here! Welcome to the site, glad you have found us. It's a good place to come and we hope you'll find information and comfort here.
Thank God my husband has never written a check in his life or used a credit card,guess I'm lucky after reading all the comments. I give my husband $300 a monthe spending money,but he does take me to eat often onthat and buys gas,etc.Does give the grandchildren money when they're home from college.So the more I read the discussions,the luckier I feel.The kids can have a huge yard sale when we're gone.
if your spouse has been diagnosed (or you suspect:) with dementia, even if early on!
take over finances- money issues and all credit cards -NOW. many have started too late and found out devastating results happened when they 'thought' their spouse was still 'withit'...
My husband bought thousands of dollars worth of custom wine direct from the winery. And a wine cooler that is bigger than my refrigerator. And two very expensive digital SLR cameras.
We also bought a house during his shopping period, but that was intentional ... more or less. And furniture for the house which he did let me pick out. As long as we were shopping back then he was happy. And a couch to replace the new couch we had just bought a couple of years earlier. And last but not least a car - but I did get it into my name and only my name.
Listen to what everyone tells you. We have all been there.
My husband loves the goodwill store. It is within walking distance and he goes without my knowing he is going. I think he is just walking to his storage which is just across the street. He wants to bring the items in the apartment and I keep trying to get him not to but I think it is a losing battle.
My husband is with it but the one concession he was willing to make was to reduce the credit limit on the credit card he controls. So that is a little protection, and I monitor everything else online. I haven't been able to get him to reduce his wine collection--even when he had to move it--but he has arranged someone who will sell it for him when he can no longer enjoy it.
Would techniques used with OCD patients and people who hoard be appropriate for AD sufferers? Not familiar with what they may be, but there seems to be a similarity.
If the store will not take the hats back, you can donate them to a charity and get a tax receipt. My buys pork and beans by the case and for awhile he would buy 10 tubes of toothpaste no matter what store he was in. I donated them for the receipt. You just have to pick your battles!!!!!!!!!
I read a couple of books about OCD and hoarding, because I thought it might explain some of my sister's problems. The primary message I got was that treating OCD requires extensive and long-term counseling, and that may not be effective. Apparently it is very difficult to change the behavior. I don't think it would work with our spouses.
Briegull, o.k. don't get me started on THIS one! Husband maxed out his credit card with a limit of $30,000. Day traded away our entire retirement funds. Kept ordering strange things on Ebay. For example, each Christmas I would get him a special kind of slipper (more of a house shoe) that he loved. He ordered something that looked similar on Ebay, and turned out they were women's. So he cut them and put duct tape on them to make them fit. Not liking that, he ordered again, but guess what? Women's again. That pair he gave to me which I tossed, went out & bought him the kind he liked. By the time the house sold he was asking me for money for gas. Property taxes hadn't been paid, and the only way I knew that was that I looked at a letter on his desk. Bill collectors were calling the house every half hour from 3 different places & that went on for months. Moral of the story, know about your financial situation before it explodes. (This was just the tip of the iceberg.)
Welcome to my website. I am away for Thanksgiving, and only check in occassionally, so I am just seeing your post.
You have come to a place of comfort for spouses who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience". There are 4 sections for EOAD members - two of which focus on the young teens whose parents have EOAD (early onset AD). There is a great new section on informative videos, and another excellent resource - Early Onset Dementia - A Practical Guide.
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
I hope you will visit often and get the support and information you are looking for.
Thank you for all your input. My sister told me about your website. Thank you, Joan, for creating it. My dh was in a near fatal car accident when he was 19 years old, in a coma for months, etc. When I met him, he was perfectly normal, if there really is such a thing, and functioned well for about 25 years. Then, unbeknownst to me, he started having difficulties with memory. He went to his doctor, who had a brain scan done and told him his frontal lobe is atrophying. This was about 10 years ago. Now, he is 56, and having many symptoms. Currently, we are dealing with excessive talking (all the time), unreasonable purchases (100 hats at the grocery store), mania, OCD,bouts of crying when happy or sad (he cries over the beauty of a leaf). In fact, he went for a walk and filled his pockets and large bags with fall leaves. He is currently telling me he is "so happy for every day, every minute, every second he can see the leaves." Although he has not been diagnosed with AD per se, he does have similar symptoms. Some of his behaviors are precious (recognizing the beauty of nature) and some are exhausting (following me around and talking all the time. BTW, he will remind me to look at him when he is talking.) Anyway, I appreciate the exchange of ideas and resources.
My DH does not leave the house without me. He doesn't really follow or shadow me, but if I'm upstairs, he's upstairs. If I go downstairs, he is down there as well. And, if I go outside, Out he goes. However, if I ask him if he wants to go to the store with me, he says he doesn't want to go.
100 hats. Can you alert the store? My goodness. That has to be so difficult to keep returning his purchases.
Prayers are with you while he goes through this phase.
Sherylita, your dh sounds like a very interesting person. How wonderful to enjoy the beauty of the leaves. And how tiring for you, to be required to listen to him all the time! I've found that you can get used to lots of things, and that, if you can, it's better to just go along with it. What many of us have found is that it all goes in phases, and what you find exceptionally irritating behavior right now will be replaced in time with other behavior, maybe better, maybe worse, but different. We even find ourselves sometimes "missing" the behavior that we found so irritating! Glad you have found us, keep posting, tell us more.
Welcome to this site. My husband has been diagnosed with FTD (frontotemporal dementia). An MRI showed atrophy of his frontal lobes. We went through a stage where he didn't buy things but just took them. My Christmas present last year was a necklace I know he shoplifted but he insisted he used his credit card. Charge never showed up. I'm just glad that he wasn't caught.
He no longer drives now and he doesn't go to any store alone plus the taking of things has stopped. My husband's speech is slowly disappearing now. He makes observations but cannot hold a conversation--he always answers everything with one of two phrases: "okay, okay" or "yeah baby, yeah baby". He also needs to know where I am all the time. I never thought I would miss him talking at me all the time but I do.
No, I can't top that--mostly because whatever hb has spent $ on, hasn't shown up--mostly sweepstake scams, I think, but 98 mousetraps would be cheaper. Donate them to a food pantry, animal shelter, etc. and get a tax write-off.