I need help! My children and grandchildren are celebrating Christmas out state at one daughter's home, and my DH is in a care center here. He is very much aware of me, looks for my every other day visits (after a long trip there), professes his love for me constantly and how he misses me. It is tearing me apart and I know not what to do. I want to be with him, and yet the whole family will be celebrating the holiday together, and I will be home, except for the hours I can visit him. Where does my allegiance lay, when I have to make a decision like this?! I do need a break for my health and well being, I know, since I am often feeling depressed and lack motivation. I love him so much and my family also. Has anyone gone though this feeling that I have?
I'm not in the situation you are now HLK because my husband isn't placed. My dh does know who I am about half the time and he professes his love for me as well. Can you do both? Can you celebrate with your husband a day or two earlier and spend the time with your family on Christmas? Who says it has to be celebrated on the same day?
agree with Diane, you should be able to do both. visit your DH the day before you leave and after you come back and make both days xmas fun for him, luckily AD doesnt remember the exact dates:) and surely make plans to be with the rest of the family for yourself! you need the time away and you will be much better mentally when you get back =have a grand time. divvi
Do not think it is about allegiance...you love them all. You have been there for everyone. That it is tearing you apart is the important issue. A Christmas gift to yourself might be to enjoy the holiday with your children..without guilt. Let them pamper you. As Divvi suggests,have special time with DH around Christmas and a special New Year's Eve is another option. That you can only spend a few hours with him on Christmas Day and have to spend the majority of the day alone is not what you need right now in my humble opinion. Enjoy!
Diane, Divvi, scs, and Mary! How wonderful it is to have your support and above all, great advice. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and it takes someone else to clear the opening for us! I have been thinking that your solution is the way to go, and just celebrate as best we can the day before I leave and make it special for him. After all, it is the Christmas SEASON, right!! You don't know how much you have lifted the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders over this! Our anniversary is the 29th when I get back home, but don't think this will register as much as it always has. Days blend together now and time is a blur. Thank you all, and my very best, and my support, to you.
HLK, you are making the right decisions. I decided early on when dealing with this disease that it might take my husband, but it wasn't going to destroy me or our family. Life does go on and if we don't go with it we could find ourselves old, alone and miserable because we have isolated ourselves and pledged our undying devotion to a cause that we can't win.
HLK, as you are and will be reliving memories with your DH, you are making memories with your grandchildren. Ones they will remember forever. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Anniversary!
Your husband is well cared for and you are paying big bucks so that you can have a life of your own. Spending Christmas with your children is in no way diminishing your care for your husband. Think of how many family members will be deprived of your presence if you don't go.
HLK, how about some allegiance to yourself? Are you going to allow yourself to enjoy Christmas? Have you even taken one day off since you placed your husband? And if not, why not? Taking an occasional day off is called respite, and you don't just need it, you deserve it.
Your husband will be safe. He probably won't realize that you missed a day or two seeing him. He will be glad to see you the day before you go, and the day you come home.
And you, yourself, will be able to take a deep breath and have some me time.
I am so very, very happy that I posted this discussion. Should have done it long ago. I am just so very grateful to all of you and your words of wisdom and advice. I could never have a better "family" than all of you, who know and appreciate the burdens we bear as caregivers to our loved ones. Each one of you has hit the nail on the head...I have never had more than two days away from my DH in a year and a half. This will be for a whole week, but I will be on phone contact each day...hearing my voice, they say, calms him down. Yes, Sandi, I still have a lot of life in me (just turned 83) and defy my age with those who know me. I know I must take care of myself in order to care for him and not be an additional burden on my daughters. I hope that I will be a support for all of you!
HLK: The advice above is all great..I am glad that you are taking it...We can't let this terrible disease conquer us...We do have a life to lead, and still have Memories to make...I am having a caregiver come in for Thanksgiving to stay with DH...I will go to my Daughters house, where ALL the family will be, I will be able to enjoy the children, grand-children and great=grand=children, creating more memories for them.there will be 35 at he table, we will all feel his absense..All of us are doing the best we can for our loved ones, we owe a little to ourselves and the rest of the family...God Bless us All.....A blessed Holiday to each of you....love Rosalie
HLK, enjoy your time with the family. Celebrating the holiday before you leave is a great idea for BOTH of you and that way you don't have to choose. I sat home last Thanksgiving while dh was in the hospital and I was miserable. I was afraid to see him thinking he would want to come home with me because of the holiday. I wish I had thought to celebrate with him the day or two before. We both would have been happier. ENJOY.
I agree wholeheartedly with all of the above. HLK, ENJOY YOURSELF. You deserve it. I think I will do the same as RB13 when the time comes. My husband will be celebrating Thanksgiving with the family this year and we're hoping it won't be the last.
It's great to be needed and wanted, isn't it. You have seen to it that your DH is in a safe place and is well cared for. I'm sure your family will be thrilled that you are coming to celebrate with them.
Just think of all the fun memories you'll have tucked away in your heart.
Go for it. Where are you going? Flying? Train or driving? Have a safe trip and have lots of fun. XO