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    • CommentAuthorMawzy*
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Last Tuesday I spend the day with our daughter. She asked a lot of questions about her dad. Wanted to know all about me and how I was coping. I told her about this site. It was a very good visit. She lives almost 200 miles away so it isn't always easy for her to see us.

    Today, I had lunch with our oldest son. He told me that he knew what was going on. He watched and could see it. He said he noticed that his dad couldn't lift his leg to step over things. Noticed that he wasn't too steady o his feet. He said just because he didn't talk about it with me didn't mean he didn't know. He does know and he said he cares deeply. He said was concerned about me and my health. wanted to now what he could do to make things easier for me.

    I was so pleased with both visits. I was sort of struck dumb. At the moment I couldn't think of anything either of them could do but now, I think I'll ask each of them to take daddy for a day now and then so I can have some "alone time."
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      CommentAuthorfolly*
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Excellent idea, Mawzy. Take all the help that's offered. I'm very happy for you that you had two good visits.
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      CommentAuthorbuzzelena
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    What I wouldn't give for visits like that. I'm happy for you, Mawzy. They sound like good "kids."
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      CommentAuthorJeanetteB
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Yes, Mawzy, do ask for days off and when it happens for the first time, let them know afterwards what you did and why it was so important to you. It's hard for people to understand how we need this time.
  1.  
    Mawzy knowing your kids know what is happening helps so much. Now you won't feel so much alone.
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      CommentAuthormoorsb*
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Sounds like you have some great kids. Mine do not even call any more once I asked for help.
    • CommentAuthortherrja*
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Mawzy - what a wonderful blessing that was for you and how nice of both of them to offer to help.
    • CommentAuthorscs
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Bob..sounds like time for a "come to Jesus meeting".
  2.  
    Today I found out that I will have to have surgery to replace part of my artificial knee (it has been in for 14 years) so I sent an e-mail to all 3 kids (they live in Massachusetts, Illinois, and New Mexico) to see if I could do it next summer when the girls are off (one is a teacher, the other a school counsellor). I am sure they will come up with something.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Mawzy - another thing you could tell them is: visit and just talk with me. Another meaningful adult conversation is good too. Maybe there are projects they can help you with - projects you can do but having a helping hand would mean a lot. This is on top of taking/watching him so you can get some 'me' time.
  3.  
    our children are college ed and very smart but they seem to be dumb or be in a fog about their daddy. They say they understand about him but do they ever offer to help or ask me how things are going are how I am. it tough to deal with dh alz. He is in moderate stage and does real well but I never get away he wants to cling to me.Thank God we do have a little camp to get off to to break the days sometimes,but there you miss fishing aeverything else. Really get u down altho we ahve a long way to go its tough even at this stage/ Went through this app.8 yrs ago with mother. I am new here and just needed to vent thanks
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      CommentAuthorgmaewok*
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Hi, southern girl, and welcome. My husband is 68 and is 6 years into this. It's a long tiring road. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here along with lots of very good advice.
    • CommentAuthorCharlotte
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2009
     
    Welcome southern girl. Sorry you have to be here. When you are up to it, tell us more about you and your spouse. My hb is 62, diagnosed a year ago but has been showing memory loss since 2006 or before.
    • CommentAuthorscs
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Hi southern girl...glad you are here. So many good people to share and learn from. Found out with my family...your children may think they know but they truly do not. You must learn to ask for help and do whatever you can to educate them. Books, articles or just spending some quality time together. Spending time alone with Daddy so you can get away is a good way to start. You have a long journey so get them onboard fast. You deserve some time to your self.
    • CommentAuthorZibby*
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Good morning and welcome, Southern Girl. Glad you're here to share with us; I've found excellent info here.

    My hb has vascular dementia and is 72. Had a major stroke when he was 48. In retrospect, I believe we've been going downhill since then. Now he mostly sits, no reading, no more crosswords, no driving, but can ride his bike and walk and take care of himself, mostly, for personal needs. Hope your children will recognize help is needed from time to time.
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      CommentAuthorbuzzelena
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Welcome southern girl, from another southern girl (born in KY, now living in TN). My DH is 62, diagnosed with Alz at 60. You have found a great site for understanding and support.
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      CommentAuthordeb112958
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009 edited
     
    Welcome southern girl. This is a wonderful site to get information, support and vent when necessary. I understand about kids not really helping out. My son who was my greatest helper is out of the country for a year. My daughter who has had great difficulty accepting her dad's illness is just not the caregiving type. I love her to death but giving when it would not be of interest to her is not going to happen. I know if I became ill she would step up but otherwise I'm on my own.

    My husband is 60 and was diagnosed with FTD right before his 59th birthday.
  4.  
    Mawzy: You almost wrote my story of last weekend. Thanks.

    Our daughter and son came for the wkend. Summary: Dad, You don't realize how bad Mom is. Answer: Oh yes I do. Dad, we don't think you can take care of her anymore. Answer: You might be right, so I will get someone to come in to help me. Dad, it is time we looked for a NH for her. Answer: Not yet. Dad, please move closer to where we live so we can help you. Answer: Maybe. It looks more likely everyday. Dad, Why don't you do this, or that, or why don't you do something in a differnt way than the way you are doing it. Answer: None.

    They are wonderful kids, but, I tried to convince them that I had to make the final decisions regarding me and my wife. There Mother.

    I think I succeeded in convincing them that we would all do what was best for their mother. It was a good weekend and not unpleasant even tho they went away thinking I was hardheaded and thats exactly what I wanted them to think.

    My DW was extremely nervous while they were here and didn't enjoy their visit at all. When anyone comes into our house of I take her someplace where other people are, she gets upset. In fact, she still thinks the kids are in our house someplace and when I tell her that they went home, she says that they didn't tell her goodbye.

    She had to have chemo yesterday and is has just thrown her for a loop.

    Oh Well, we will just have to deal with that like we do everything else.
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      CommentAuthorbuzzelena
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Hang in there, Dean. It must be so difficult dealing with Alz AND cancer treatment at the same time. When it rains, it pours.
    • CommentAuthortherrja*
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Earlier in our journey, his sons were always telling me about what I should do. They live 1/2 way across the country and are doing well if they see him more than once a year but they knew just what I should do to take care of him. Some of their suggestions and thoughts were good too - however, they didn't suggest anything that was appropriate to their father. One son and his wife told me to just let them know if I needed them and they would be there. Those words sound the same to me as "the check is in the mail", "let's do lunch sometime".

    They were also the same sons who started conservatorship proceedings a year later. Sometimes I think my husband was a lot smarter than I was about them when he told me that he did not want them talking to his doctors or having anything to do with his care. Sometimes I wonder if his saying that was him or the AD talking.

    For those of you that have good supporting family members - you are very blessed.

    Looking back, I know I made mistakes in what I said to them as I was going through adjusting to his having AD, I also see that they were doing a power trip to get control of their father and his money - there were an awful lot of questions in between the other stuff about his money. I've been told by lawyers, financial people and counselors that this is a normal reaction to spouses of second marriages. I still don't have answers to how to handle this well. I find it very sad that something that should have drawn us together more as a family blew it apart.
  5.  
    Hello, southern girl. I'm a southern girl too, born in middle Tennessee and living in East Tennessee most of my life. My DH age 75, was diagnosed almost two years ago. He's in the middle stages of this disease. He still takes care of himself but I'm constantly trying to think of something for him to do. What bothers me most at this stage is not having time for myself. Everyone here understands. I guess this is my respite...reading spouse message boards.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Southern Girl,

    Welcome to my website. You have come to a place of comfort for spouses who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse.

    The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience". There are 4 sections for EOAD members - two of which focus on the young teens whose parents have EOAD (early onset AD). There is a great new section on informative videos, and another excellent resource - Early Onset Dementia - A Practical Guide.

    Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information. I hope you will visit often and get the support and information you are looking for.

    joang
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      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Welcome from another southern (Alabama) gal. Your children sound like mine. They have always believed that I am strong enough to handle anything.
    • CommentAuthorWeejun*
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    Bama, I'm convinced that our three children will be heard saying over my grave "gosh, she seemed to be handling it so well".
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      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2009
     
    And Weejun we have been handling it as well as we can. My halo is still slipping from time to time but each day starts off fresh with good intentions. I have 3 children also. Hey, but I hope that grave scene isn't going to be happening soon. We have a lot more sunsets to see.
  6.  
    Bama, we know it is coming, and we don't know when, and we will be surprised when it actually comes, and we will be here for each other. I look forward to the sunrises....

    Some of us are fortunate with our children, and some of us have step-children from He**, and some have everything in between...

    Mawzy, I'm glad that your children came and said what they did. I hope you will take them up on their offer and ask for days off for some breaks...

    Marsh, should you wait to have the knee surgery? I know your children will take care of both of you when the time comes.

    Dean and others, my heart is with all of you!
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      CommentAuthorBama* 2/12
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2009
     
    Mary, what would we do without you to give us a pat on the back when we need it. You are an inspiration to me and I truly thank you.
  7.  
    Mary, my orthopedist had no problem with my waiting until next summer. I am not having any pain and can walk OK, so it is not limiting me. But it will have to be done at some time, and next summer, when the kids are here, is the best. Thanks for your concern
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      CommentAuthorchris r*
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2009
     
    Today, my son and DIL came for lunch, just to keep us company for awhile. DH, trying so hard to make conversation asked my son how he was doing with that thing he does. then asked if they would be staying here long (because he doesn't know that this is our home) the kids know what's what. DD wants me to get in help, and i guess i will at some point, but right now, I'm not ready, and i don't think he is either. so we muddle along. The kids try, but they have thier own families and thier own problems. But I agree, at some point, I'll have someone come in to give me a break. right now I try to have friends over for lunch and chat. that gives me some company, which is so important.
  8.  
    chris you are wise. Keep up your friendships.
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      CommentAuthorbuzzelena
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2009
     
    Chris, while reading your post, it hit me like a lead balloon - muddling along is exact what we are doing here, too.