Have you brushed your teeth? (Answer is always yes, fact is usually no)
What would you like to eat? (He usually has no idea and if he does it is something not appropriate to the meal coming up)
Have you had enough to eat? (This used to be a friendly signal that it was time to start clearing the table; now it makes him think there might be more on offer, so he says "No, not yet."
Should we do that lawn work/any job now? (Answer is always no, so I just go and get started.)
OK if I drive today? (Answer was usually NO, so the keys to his car have mysteriously disappeared and we just get in my car.)
Who's winning the tennis/soccer game? (He has no idea, so this question is disturbing for him.)
Every question is answered with a no first, then changed to yes. Surely keeps me guessing. The exception was yesterday...first day of our caregiver at home. They went to our local park and took our pup...signs all over that dogs need to be on leads, but she asked if Bailee could be let off lead and G said yes!!!It took six people to get her back as catch me if you can is her favorite game! I was livid when I found out! He took full blame for it, but she should have known better. Great start for home care.
It really depends on what is going on if I can ask my dh any questions. If he is having a not so good "brain" day, limit the questions because he will say " I don't know, I am brain dead today. If he is having a good day, I can ask and he will say he does not always know. So it is tit for tat as to if I can ask questions and my dh understand what I am asking. It is to the point that if there is trouble I try not to ask much. As for as if he is hungry, he never knows..... So most of the time we try to eat something and he always does that. So guess he was hungry.....lol....
Yes is also the only word my husband can say, so questions need to be phrased with a yes of no answer. If the answer is yes, he says so, if there is no answer the answer is no. Who's on first?
I read somewhere that if there are two choices, and you want them to select one, make that the second choice. They will forget the first one, and always repeat what you said last. I've done this many times with my DH, once in a while he does surprise me and takes the first, but usually the second.
Susan L, my DH does the same thing. He will say "I don't know, I have dementia ya know!! My questions have to be in the form of statements more than questions. Like if he is having trouble breathing, instead of what I use to do, ask him if he is having trouble breathing, I will just observe him and say. You are having trouble breathing and sometimes I say "aren't you"? and sometimes I will just way, breathe in deep and let it out and repeat that 2 of 3 times.
Before AD, DH always answered 'no.' I think a lot of that is male hormones, no offense guys, it just seemed so automatic. So I'd wait for the 'no,' say 'OK' and act like I never heard it, then continue on with the discussion until we got to where I wanted to go. Sometimes I'd preface the question with 'don't automatically say 'no' until you think about it for a minute.' He didn't get upset, he knew he was doing it & my response. All of that changed, of course, and then, with AD, I learned never to ask a question with option answers. I'd announce. Instead of 'do you want breakfast now?' I'd announce 'breakfast is ready.' "Do you want toast?' became 'here's your toast.' I also learned that 'no' can mean 'yes' and 'yes' can mean 'no.' Awaugggggh! I reverted back to when the kids were little and we were in a restaurant. For dessert, I'd say, 'do you want chocolate or vanilla ice cream?' Only two choices. When our son learned to read he was really mad at me, he said, 'Why didn't you tell us there were all these other flavors?'
With AD, as we all know, it won't work all the time, and it takes a lot of re-training to announce instead of ask, or to give only 2 options, but it can help avoid more conflicts--sometimes.
It didn't take him long to discover RR, etc. Today he's middle-aged, 6-2, 190 #'s, husky, balding, bearded, married and still cute as a button. I think that's normal, thankfully.
I've discovered a lot of the above myself. I bought DH a pair of courderoys and had them tailored to fit. I also ordered a nice new dressy silk t-shirt for him. He was so happy with the t-shirt but flatly refused to wear the pants. He didn't like the color, the style, etc. He thought I was pretty nervy to buy clothes for him. (sigh).
I just told him that was ok and I would return them and get credit for the amount spent. He was very agreeable with that.
The next morning--I'm not kidding--he came out wearing the new pants and t-shirt and asked if I liked his new clothes.
Also, I never ask him anymore what he'd like for supper. I just fix it and tell him it's ready. That seems to work very well for now.
Sorry, FayeBay, but I am laughing at the mental picture I have of a confused lady trying to handle a confused man in the middle of Walmart. If we don't keep a sense of humor we will not survive. I left my DH sitting at a table with a coke at KMart while I did some shopping. I saw him coming toward me and he ask "is that you?" Then he said he just ask some lady if she was his wife and she told him no. He then told her she had the same britches on that his wife was wearing. He is probably lucky that she didn't call security ( I wonder if KMart has security) and report him.
Mawzy, that was an "Alrighty Then" moment for sure! Last summer I kept hoping for the same thing to happen with some shorts we had bought -- he had actually tried them on in the store -- and then after wearing them a day he decided he didn't like them. Couldn't say why. I'm hoping that by next summer he will have forgotten his dislike and just put them on.
Fayebaye, that was scary! Another thing to be aware of. I too ask DH all the time if he has to go to the restroom. I often forget, and that's when we get into trouble. Coming home on the metro, when we are walking from the station to the car, on steps down a woodsy incline, he will often disappear into the brush because he just can't wait the few more minutes till we get home. Sometimes when we get home on the bikes he will arrive before me but have no time to unlock the door, etc, so disappears into the bushes beside the house. I need to remember MORE to ask this question.
I had some major surgery several years ago and had to wear a catheter. They finally took the bag ff and put a clamp on the tube and taped the tube to my leg. The object was to go every hour to empty the bladder. I had such a good time standing up using it. At the time, DH thought I was being pretty bad. Oh, well. Never did get to go for a hike in the woods with it. That might have been fun. :)
I'm ok. Really. I think I just need more sleep. ha ha
A few years ago a lady from Texas supposedly invented a 'cup' that women can wear with a 'drain' so when they have to go they can just whip the drain out and pee. The cup would catch the pee and direct it to the tube. Never heard anything more on it. Of course she was from Texas!!!
There are folding "cups" - think the kind you can fold out of a square of paper, but with sort of a tail - that you can buy and carry with you so you, a woman, can pee through the zipper of your jeans. I found them a big nuisance; I just would find a bush.
There was also a lady from Texas (a distant cousin of mine as it happens) who invented the upside-down hat that sits in a toilet to catch urine. I was looking it up the other day and found that apparently after her death the patent was infringed upon but her kids couldn't get recompense.
I'll try, Charlotte. But the hoarding instinct is probably stronger than his NO instinct. But in general I am learning not to try to get his permission/approval for what's going on, but just go ahead with it in a matter of fact way. It's hard to lose the lifetime habit of saying "Would you like to ..."
I don't ask. I just disappear things, within reason. It does feel disrespectful at times, but I had to get a lot of clutter under control for personal sanity reasons, and I unilaterally judge that to be more important.
Since I have physical disabilities, the division of labor in our house was always that I would do all the planning and paperwork, and DH would do the physical part of things. The question I miss being able to ask now is "Could you help me with this?" Now, no matter how difficult the project, I'm completely on my own. I've been able to deal with no longer talking things over with DH and having to make all the decisions by myself, but physically it is just very hard to try to do everything by myself.
Jan K--- We started out marriage with a partnership like you describe, because of our disabilities. As his condition has declined, at first my daughter and I filled in whereever possible. As she finished college and then moved to CA, I started locating other help. I continue to do so. Some arrangements last, some change and I have to make new ones. Don't even think of doing it all yourself. Contact your local Area agency on ageing, the Al;z Assn, your church, and anyone else you can call on. For you and I especially, but for all caregivers it is vital to get help on board early. Get or LOs used to having helpers around, and relieve the pressure on us by getting some thinghs off our plates. Just because we are able to do things doesn't mean we should be spending our time and strength on every single thing. Our time should be focused on the things only we can do. Anybody (not our LOs) can mow, do dishes, run laundry, cook, fix and repair. We have to become the CEO for our household, and delegate or hjire out some of the work.
Well, this morning when we were waiting for the bus for the day care to pick him up for the first time I did NOT ask him if he wanted to go to that nice day care center we visited last week. And, God forgive me, I let him think until the last minute that I would be going on the bus too. I had explained to him (fib, fib) that I had to go to Utrecht for an all-day meeting, and that he was invited to Smeetsland for a lovely lunch (which I hope will be true). He didn't see any discrepancy when I told him that "our" bus would be here any minute. When the driver came, a friendly bearded guy named Pete, he willingly got in the bus with him and I said I'd behome this afternoon before he was. When he gets home at 4 o'clock I am NOT going to ask him if he liked it. That would make it too easy for him to say, "No, and I don't want to go back there. " I'm going to assume that what the carers have told me is true: Nobody wants to go at first, but they all like it when they get used to it. THEN I'll have to figure out how to get him to go again on Thursday.
Jeanette, you did very well....never, never ask them if they want to do something....the answer will almost always be "NO"! Being deceptive and using therapeutic fiblets is a way of life when dealing with AD. I know it has been a rough weekend wondering how today was going to go. I hope you have some peace and quiet today and have time just for you.
Jeanette, I just Googlemapped Utrecht and Smeetsland, and now I have a lovely, improved sense of geography. I did not realize you were in The Netherlands.
I try not to ask DH anything that requires more than a yes or no reply. We were watching a college football game on Saturday and I asked him who decides which teams each college plays. He went into a LOOOONG explaination about if a young man decides he wants to play for a certain college he can choose that college. There was a lot more and I couldn't get him to understand my question so I finally said "Okay". I am still no wiser then when I asked the question. lol.
Oh, Jean, that is so typical of the way their minds work. Latch onto a question and start talking about it, periferal to the original topic, not answering the question but talking to deflect the question and making it seem as if they are imparting important knowledge. The neuropsychologist that we saw more than a year ago recognized this strategy in Siem's responses to her questions and said it was typical of an intelligent person afflicted by dementia but trying to hide it / not being aware of it.
Carosi--What a wonderful way to put it "Our time should be focused on the things only we can do." It took me a long time to learn that. That concept is something we should stress with the newcomers.
Now I've even got to stop letting him choose what to eat in a restaurant. It takes forever and when he decides, it's not really what he wants. It's taken me a long time to learn (why am I so slow?) that he doesn't KNOW what he wants anymore. He likes to order a second glass of red wine, but often is not interested in drinking it. I've been ordering coffee for myself and then drinking most of his wine. Since he has certain favorites in most of the places we go, I'm just going to order for him from now on. I did that today and it worked fine. He usually forgets anyway once he's ordered and asks me what we're having. Also -- and this is new, a recent decline -- he doesn't know where he wants to go anymore. He always wanted to go to IKEA for breakfast in the morning. Now I have to suggest it. He is restless and wants to go somewhere, but has no idea where.
Jeanette, so sorry for the decline with your DH. Mine always wants to go "somewhere" everyday, but never knows where either. So....I try to plan somewhere to go every day if possible, even if it's just out for a ride. We do go to the grocery store 3-4 times a week! He still loves to buy groceries. Thankfully, it's only a few blocks away.
I don't order for him in the restaurants yet, but I do suggest he get "this or that" - and he usually will go along with it.
Jeanette, I do offer him a choice some of the time, but mostly I say, I'm having the [fill in the blank], would you like it too. Some of the time I just say we are having [fill in the blank] or even you are having [fill in the blank]. He really can't tell me if he wants something or not.
What your husband is doing with the second glass of wine is what my husband does with the newspapers we buy. He enjoys buying them. Doesn't have any real desire to read them once he has them. And frankly, no one needs 6 newspapers a day.
One of the things that will be changing on day care days is that I won't be going to where we buy newspapers.
I also want to talk about what I've been doing about the fact that I've lost my in-house handyman. My husband did everything. We rarely hired people although that was already changing when we first moved to this house 5 years ago. Slowly I've been finding people to call to have things done.
Last week one of my neighbors told me about the local company they had hired to take care of heating, air conditioning and plumbing. Turned out that the price including electrical was only a few more dollars a month. I hired them. My monthly charge includes a good check of all equipment (the air conditioning equipment will get checked in the Spring) and preferred treatment in an emergency. I can call them 24 hours a day, but frankly I'd only call at night for heat. I can ask for the young man who came today, or just call the central office and let them send who they want to send. I've also found a handyman who will do most anything including small jobs, and a roofing company (had a strange leak last winter).
Just having someone to call makes a huge difference.
I also, by the way, have great neighbors. I found all three of the vendors through the kindness of my neighbors. Twice I had active emergencies when I called to ask for help, and I had help almost immediately.