Has anyone had this happen to them with their loved one? I had my husband at work with me the other day (it's a family business so he can come with me every day) and a former colleague walked in and he stood there and had a perfectly normal conversation with him for about 10 minutes or more. He also had a normal conversation with my daughter's boyfriend the other evening. The young man commented later that he seemed so normal. He can't get a sentence out with me or my kids without stumbling to find a word or two and, often times, by the time he finds the word he's forgotten why he wanted the word.
Now I understand these conversations he has with some other people are not substantive conversations and mostly it's chit chat but it makes me insane. These people are also not checking the accuracy of what he says. His brother took him to a Dr a few weeks back to see if he had a parasite or something (grasping at straws, I guess). They called me to ask how long he had been on aricept and my response was "he's not". He's on other drugs. He can't even tell you what he's on but he sounds so convincing. For a split second last week my daughter and I convinced ourselves he was making all of this us so he could retire. Ok, it was only for a second. But has anyone else seen this happen where they have conversations that make perfect sense and then the next minute they are talking in circles?. This has been the case since the beginning. It just has gotten worse as his speech has deteriorated.
brookhvn, ALL OF US HAVE!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
They are SO blasted convincing to others! They use extra brainpower because they don't want others to see!!! That is why they will crash when just with you. They can't keep it up. The more intelligent they were when AD hit, the more they pretend normalcy to others. It is so infuriating!
Even the doctors sometimes think we are imagining things!!!
Here's one reason why: Usually, chitchat with someone you barely know or rarely see is about a)the weather, b)something from "the old days", or c)any old small-talk for which reasonable-sounding lines are so ingrained in most of us that they'll be the last things left in our brains when the rest of our memory goes.
Hence, in a short-lived conversation, the superficiality of the topic and brevity of the contact make our AD people seem "normal."
I am finding though, that this only works with people who do not know Jeff. People who know him at all and remember how he used to be (even if it was years ago) recognize that his blankness and relative lack of participation are NOT normal for him.
It is also interesting to see how--if he has lunch with his brother once a month or so--they can have a sort of a conversation because there's something about work (or something) that's new, and his brother can tell him about it and not really care too much if he understands completely or remembers. I eat meals with him every day, and we have nothing to talk about because I simply do not feel like talking about stupid superficial stuff anymore, and I don't have the energy or motivation to get into a meaningful conversation with someone who will not process a quarter of it.
brookhvn, THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! For instance, my aunt and uncle came to visit us for the day on Saturday. I have talked to them twice since and they went on and on about how good my DH was doing. It is maddening.
About two years ago my brother came and spent a couple of days with us. DH had a wonderful time swapping stories and visiting. He seemed really normal. After my brother left, DH didn't speak for two whole days. Trying so hard to be normal took that much out of him. Another relative visited for about two weeks. At first she couldn't really see a problem, but by the end of the first week she really understood what was going on.
I've heard that the first diagnosis people usually get is that the caregiver is crazy, because the person with the disease tries so hard to cover up the problems that they are having.
This topic came up at a good time for me. My brother has offered to come out to visit and help us with things around the house. I was weighing pros and cons but had not considered that this would put John under the stress of "trying to be normal" for as long as my brother stayed with us. Just like in your situations it seems John can be "normal" at different times [even makes me wonder]....but at what cost?
At the risk of offering my two cents where it may not be wanted, I would say ChrisS, if you want to see your brother and/or would like his help, have him come. At what cost?? We all know the price our LOs must pay with this disease. The price we pay as caregivers is negotiable. Keeping friends and family close is one way to help us and we need all the help we can get.
brookhvn1--glad to see your post--been thinking about you, but I've been too busy to keep in touch, you know how that goes...
Steve is in the middle stage now, he still can do this. It doesn't really bother me, actually, I find it fascinating. We recently went on a trip and met a number of fellow travelers--he was able to hold his own, UNLESS asked a direct question. Then, he just makes something up (confabulates). But it all sounds good! I don't think it's even a strain on him, he's been doing it for so many years now, it's second nature. I took a letter for travel based on the one on this site, and his doctor added that he presents as if he is much more intact than he really is--I think that is because of precisely what you've described.
Oh just look back at my postings in July when DH's family came from around the country!!!!! He was able to carry on conversations about the old times for the entire time they were here! It happens often when company comes because they talk about long term memories. It does make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, I think they believe I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!
chrisS Have your brother come for the visit and to help. It sounds as though the viist would be for a while, and if that's the case, your DH will work at appearing normal, but will likely not be able to maintain that all the time. Your brother will see some of what you are dealing with, and have a better understanding. I'm still dealing with this with my DH's family a lot, because they see him for short (1-2 hrs) visits. This helps add to the problems which generate interference from them, because they never see how he really is. They still think "just tell him--------" works. Lecturing him to "make good choices; do the right thing" will work. They DO NOT GET IT. My family is supportive and get it to a degree. Thought they haven't seen how far he really has deteriorated, they've seen enough to accept what I tell themabout how he is. Unfortunately, it seems exposure to the Demented individual and having to deal with them is the only way a lot of people finally come to understand what it reall;y is.
Kitty, you got that right. My DH is probably somewhere around Stage 6 and I still have people telling me he isn't sick. That really makes me crazy because I feel like a lier and they are thinking that I am stretching the truth. Why would I purposely come up with something as terrible as dementia and stretch the truth just to get attention? I feel insulted when that happens. Why don't they just take my word for it? A week ago a man who was a caregiver for his wife until she died of hypititis C told my DH that he needed to use a cane. So some people are noticing and I am grateful for that. So my DH is showing physical problems to the point that others are noticing. I have no idea how much longer this is going to go on but I guess that is why they call it the long good bye.
Thank you all for you input. He's on a one week cruise with his parents and brothers this week (celebrating their anniversary) while I stay home with the kids (yeh!!). If he puts on the show for them I figure he'll sleep for an additional week when he returns just to recharge his battery.
I cannot imagine that he can fool them for an entire week. Especially on a cruise, where he doesn't know where anything is and his routine is completely disrupted. My husband had a public meltdown on our last cruise. He would have had a second one, but my psychologist friend was with us, and she knew how to diffuse it.