We are in the midst of a small remodel. If I don't agree with everything my DH wants to do, I am accused of "getting my own way," therefore I have given in to him more than I wanted to just to keep the peace. Today over a cable plug he became so verbally abusive to me after I had gone to the doctor to get some medication to help me deal with his outbursts in the first place. Because I was asleep on the couch and didn't want to get up and go look at "his new idea," he became enraged and shouted horrible things to me. Over and over the same things. I finally called his son and asked him to come over because I didn't know what to do. He shouted that when the remodel is over, that "we are over." If someone had taken a big stick and beat me to a pulp, I could not have felt any worse.
I finally said that I needed to get out of the house and I dove to a local rest stop and just zoned out for 2 hours, then stopped and got gas in the car and picked up my prescription. Nothing has been said to me since I came home and my DH went to bed at 5:30 PM.
At what point does a power of attorney come into play? We both have POA's that were drawn up years ago. I am afraid he will act on his threats one day when he is in one of these rages and I won't be able to stop him.
There is no reason to take this abuse. It sounds like he needs his med level reviewed or a new med to help with the outburst. If you are sure that it is not a meds issue then you need to move out and give him some time to reconsider what he is doing.
He needs to either have meds or if he is taking meds they need to be adjusted. There are medications to help with rages. If you feel unsafe at all, you should be sure you have a safe place to go to. (((Hugs))) to you.
Take it from me - no matter what people tell you about - "It's the disease saying those awful things, not him", they're coming out of HIS mouth, and they are unbearably hurtful. I know. I've been through it.
It is very important to get the verbal abuse under control before it becomes physical. In our case, Risperdal ended the abuse. So I definitely agree with the others who said to tell his doctor ASAP and either get him on something or adjust what he is already on.
Another point - I knew someone who was extremely verbally abusive, mean, and full of rage, all of which he took out on his wife. In his case, it was a bad reaction to the Exelon patch. Once they took him off of that, he calmed down. He has FTD, not AD.
Loretta, my dh acts like your's. He likes to threaten divorce also. I finally got him on Seroquel, and what a difference. He's still a controlling man, but the rages are much better controlled. I think he has FTD, but two appointments with the neurologist, a year apart, didn't help. So I had my PCP put him on Seroquel.
Loretta, it is important to get the proper meds for your husband. Don't let anyone guilt you into feeling bad that your are "zonking" him out. You are doing both of you a favor if he is in a better mood and you are not being threatened. If the side effects of the drug are that he sleeps more then so be it. Just remember that your well being and safety are just as important as his.
Loretta, I agree with the others - get his meds adjusted. If you do not feel safe around him, how can you be a good caregiver.
On your other question. You need to read the POA and maybe talk to the lawyer. It depends on how they are written when they become active. I activated mine for my husband as he could no longer handle the financial and legal matters.
There is lots of good advice within the board on how to handle various situations. Take the time to read them. Even if you never need to use the knowledge, knowing, understanding and thinking about it ahead of time will prepare you if you ever do need to take action.
When my wife and I signed our POA's several years ago they took effect immediately. This means I don't have to do anything to "activate" it now when I need to use it. We also gave our daughter POA, which also took effect as soon as we signed it. Our attorney said we should have 2 separate POA's rather than having our daughter take over on ours if we became unable to carry out our duties.
I put my husband on Seroquel today. First time. Morning was horrible. Afternoon quiet. Spent the afternoon with my sister cutting out squares for a blanket she's making for her granddaughter. It was good to do something different for a while and have someone else to talk to.
I talked to my lawyer recently about POAs. My husband and I have POA for each other but I'm worried if something happens to me my husband will have POA and he simply can't handle it. I wanted to put my daughter on as POA for my husband and I if something should happen to me, but my lawyer says it would be unethical for me to simply go and have him changed as my POA and my daughter put on. He said C would have to be informed that I was changing his POA for me. If I do that, it will not go well with him. He still thinks there is nothing wrong with him and he can do anything he wants as far as writing checks, etc. I do all of that now and have been for quite a while, but all of a sudden he wants to do it again. He can't. Does someone know how I can change POA for me without him knowing about the change?
babozek, Have you spoken to an Elder Law Attorney? I know that keeps coming up on the posts but they are the ones who know and understand the laws pertaining to POA's, Medicaid laws and everything in between. When we went to an ELA my DH was "with it" and agreed to everything. Now he doesn't remember going. I didn't do anything about Medicaid because you don't know if you will ever need it. Jane has said many times that you have time to take care of that when and if your LO needs a nursing home so that is why I am waiting. Regular attorneys aren't the ones who can get you on the right path.
babozek if your husband has been "officially" diagnosed I would hope a letter from his doctor would clear the problem up. I had no problem with my atty changing POA to my daughter.
babozek, you can change your POA whenever you desire and appoint someone else as POA, revoking all other POA's previously made. I don't see anything unethical about that! I don't even think he would have to be told about it - but I'm not an attorney. My attorney changed mine recently.
Oh, for heavens' sake, the lawyer's crazy! YOu should be able to change your OWN POA at any time, just like changing a will. He doesn't have to know about it. Changing who holds HIS POA might be difficult without his approval.
agree with breigull 100%. lawyer is CYA type input. you can change your POA at any time without consultation to anyone except the person you are designating should have a copy and be informed of the change and why.
correct again on changing the AD persons POA after dx would be more difficult as they would have to be of 'sound mind' to be able to sign a new one.
nope not an atty either just offering input from my own experiences. :) see a good atty if in doubt!
I need that rope thrown to me with a knot to hang on. This has been such a terrible day. This morning while having his morning coffee...with the lid on the cup, my husband fell asleep, spilled coffee all over himself, evidently it wasn't hot because he didn't even wake up. I tried to explain that we needed to change his clothes...the were soaking wet...No he was not changing his clothes. After a struggle & me losing my temper, I did manage to get him changed. He pooped while I was in the garage, of course didn't wipe & smelled. I tried to get him to take a shower, NO he would not. Finally, I screamed at him...only problem I couldn't stop screaming...it was like someone had taken over my body. When I finally got control of myself, I looked at him & could actually see fear. He did then take a shower & I got him cleaned up. I have always said, I was going to keep him home a long as possible, but, I hate the person I am becoming. I am looking into Adult Daycare, I need a break a couple times a week to re-group. I am just hoping I can find somewhere that accepts 58 year old, stage 6 dementia patients in my area. Thanks for letting me vent.
But bluedaze, You should have heard me, I sounded like a crazy person. There are so many caregiver's on this board, that are wonderful with their spouses. I sometimes feel like such a failure.
Kadee-I did much the same thing once. My husband was still somewhat with it. He always adored me and the look on his face after I let loose at him was something I want to forget. He surely has.
Kadee, for cryin' in a bucket, girl, you're human. We all are. That's means sometimes we blow it, just completely blow it. It's done, it's over. No sense beating yourself up any more than you already have. You realize you need a break, and that's the important thing. (((hugs)))
Kadee, stop tormenting yourself. Every one of us has done that at one time or another. Remember - we didn't cause this - we can't fix it - we're doing the best we can!!
Oh my God, Kadee....no one here is a saint. I, for one, blew up a lot at my husband....no, he didn't deserve it but it was frustration, anger and fear that drove me to it. I would always apologize but I knew it would happen again. You can't believe how angry you can become when you find used toilet tissue in your refrigerator......Get him into DayCare....that was my salvation.......
Oh Kadee - Everyone is right. You sounded like a crazy person because you were crazed! This disease is enough to drive anyone to the brink. You're doing a fabulous job. If you were an awful person you wouldn't be writing this here now. In my biggest "crazed" episode I didn't even recognize myself. I think sometimes the more we hold in the more comes spewing out. You've been putting yourself out there for so long, it's just normal to run over once in awhile. Hugs, terry
OK-time for some humor-but remember-it wasn't funny at the time. I get home from work bone weary. Terrible smell in the house but too tired to care. Pull something out of the fridge to nuke for dinner. Open the oven and-ugh!!!! Husband had found some chopped chicken liver meant to be served on crrackers. I had bought it for expected company. Dear husband found it, over nuked it and forgot all about it. The oven was coated with what looked like sh---t and smelled even worse. Yes, I blew big time
Kadee the 'poopinthepantsandwontbathe' episodes have been abundant here during my time as well. talk about blowing, well for one we cant let them STAY in dirty pants or not get a shower if they arent able to agree they need cleaning. so in short its natural when we become fustrated to release tension in forms of hostility and shouting. and as you see your screaming match although unnerving as it was, got him into the shower. it may have snapped him into submission. i dont promote this as a constant source of getting him to comply but sometimes we do what we do to get the job done. not easy for us caregivers or them. dont beat yourself up it happens and then we become better at it the next round. daycare will be a great help to you, get him into it at all costs. you deserve some free time to recoup. my best, divvi
Kadee, to make you feel like a good caregiver, let me tell you about my "losing it" on Friday. Lots of issues going on here lately with hubby's situation, lame pup, my pinched sciatic nerve, etc.
First thing Friday morning I must haul HUGE wheeled cart to curb for trash pick up, walk dog that is on crate rest restrictions, etc. After walking dog as prescribed by phys therapist (dog's therapist, not mine) I come in frustrated because after 10 hours overnight in the house dog refuses to eliminate. I sit down in garage briefly and DH inquires if I'm going to close the door -- he's cold. I lost it. Hollered no, not yet because I must take out the trash, that just like everything else around here, that too is MY job.
I must have looked and/or sounded real crazy because next thing I knew, this man who has not walked without a walker or cane for 2 years pushed the trash cart down the long driveway to the road and managed to shuffle his way back to the house -- all without falling and without a cane or walker. Thank the Lord my blown fuse didn't cause him to hurt himself.
You say you hate the person you are becoming. Welcome to the club. I, too, hate the loss of my former cheerful, optimistic, always upbeat self. But, every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of that lady and I always try to get her to stay awhile :)
Hugs to all of you dealing with short fuses today, or any day!
Kadee...add other "lost it" person to the group! My DH also had a look on his face that made me feel awful. But as others have said...sometimes we need to use this tactic to accomplish a goal. As with a child..you try to reason, cajole, bribe, divert...but when there is a serious issue at hand...there is nothing else to do but take charge. I have found that since the time I lost it big time....I just have mention that I am getting angry and it seems to move things along.
If you were a "terrible" caregiver you would let him lay in his wet...poopy clothes. Not easy being a "good" caregiver...but you are!
You're human. We all lose our tempers at one time or another. Check out this blog on my last tantrum -http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Joanlosescontrol.htm
As everyone has said you are human and probably everyone on this board has lost it at one time or another. The last time I lost is big time my husband asked me if I wanted a divorce. I felt horrible. Now if I get upset, angry or short with him he doesn't even react as nothing seems to upset him anymore. This makes me even sadder and I try to be even more patient. Forgive yourself---you did nothing wrong.
Sometimes we lose it worse than at other times. My most recent was yesterday. I was trying to get dh dressed and he wasn't having any of it. After I tried several times to get him to let me put his clothes on, I finally threw his clothes down on the floor and shouted "Fine! Just stay naked!!!" And I stormed out of the room. Must have shocked him because when I went back to the bedroom later he was very meek and ready to cooperate. So far, my screaming episodes have been out of his hearing, but don't know as that will last either.
Okay, this seems to be let it loose time. Mine would be funny if it weren't such a pain in the rear. I got an email from my sweet neighbor asking if her son could help limb our newly fallen tree...fallen tree??? It turns out that my energizer bunny husband had been sawing away on a large volunteer diadora fir tree in our front area with his wee limb saw...a large gust of wind took it down, fortunately not hurting anyone or anything. When asked why, he said it needed to be cut down, and he wanted to help. Now we have this big mess to deal with, and I had just had all the yard work completed for the fall cleanup. Good thing I have a night guard to protect my gritting teeth at night.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my crazy moment. I mean no offense, however, it does make me feel better...even though I know others get upset, to actually see it in writing. I was just kind of shocked at myself, I sounded so crazy. Thanks again to all my dear friends, it scares me to think what I would do without friends like you.
Kadee, it's happened to all of us. and yes, I'd be mortified if anyone else ever heard me lose it, but it is what it is. and sometimes, well as Jackie Gleason used to say....'to the moon'... now I know I've dated myself. oops.
chris r you said you'd "be mortified if anyone else ever heard you lose it..." Try this on.
We've been ridng the GoBus for 3 years and it was time to Recertify our enrollment--a paperwork thing. DH's was due in Oct., mine in Nov. They send out the form 60 days ahead. Between one week's trip to the store and the next, in Oct. DH was cancelled because he wasn't recertified. That's how I found out the forms never came. They gave us temporary reinstatements for a month, and said I could do the online form. After my first 4 hrs trying to complete a form for DH and having problems, I called and asked them to please send hard copies for me to complete. I'd still keep trying online, but I wanted a backup plan. Suffice it to say that I put in 13 hrs. on line over 5 days and still did not have one form entered. The paper copies finally came after a week from my request, and were processed ASAP. We were notified on the next Mon., that everything was good to go until 2012. All that sets the stage for my blow up. While I was messing with all that, I set us up--me for a Diabeic med. recheck and each of us to get our regular flu shot I asked for appointments and was told I needed one for the med recheck, but to have DH come with me and the flu shots would be given while we were there--no appointment needed for them. Went down by GoBus to the Dr.'s Office on Tues. (after GoBus stuff) and went to the counter to check in. Check-in for appointment for med check is set and then the receptionist tells me "You'll have your flu shot too, but since he's, you know, not really here for anything--appointment, he won't be gettig a shot." I froze for a second, and then (not yelling or screaming. not cussing or using any abusive language. not being aggressive in my demneanor) I GOT LOUD. Picture short lady on crutches at chest high counter, and she backs away as I tell her "Don't tell me that. I did everything I was told to do. I was told no appointment was needed, except for my med check. I was told to have him come along..." Another woman joins the first and is trying to quiet me. "Just calm down....We don't talk that way here....We don't want to call Security...." (What?) Upshot was, I managed to lower my volume. Nurse called us back and said, "Don't worry about it. They don't always know at the desk..." We had the appointment and got our shots. Later I asked DH "Was I really that loud?" He said I could be hear through both sets of heavy double doors to the outside. I still feel a bit embarressed about it, but when it happened I'd had enough of bureaucratic bungling. I know I have a voice that carries, and know how to project it, but I have never ever used it like that. I generally always try to deal with problems with a cooperative demeanor. There is no value in geting all bent out of shape--better to handle the problem and move on. Would you believe my blood pressure right afterward was only 136/78.<LOL>
Yeah right. Security was going to take away the little old lady on crutches for raising her voice! <grin>
I would have loved to have seen the Security guy's face. Especially if you started crying. Which is where I would have been at that stage of the game.
All I can think of is the Emergency Doctor on the phone with my California Insurance company SCREAMING at them. I was at least 15 feet away from him and heard every word. The man was NOT amused.
I really had to think a long time about this topic before posting. But at the doctor's office on Friday, there were all kinds of notices on where to find help if you are being abused. One notice said, "If someone is making you feel afraid, it is abuse".
Kadee, if you lost it to the point where you couldn't stop screaming at your husband, and then you saw fear on his face, maybe it's time for you to think about placement for him. At the very least, please walk away until you gain control of yourself. I know the stress this disease places on the caregiver. (Boy, do I know that stress.) But losing it like that is not the answer. If you are stressed to that degree, maybe you really do need to ask yourself if you are able to provide good care for your husband now. We all get stressed and irritable, but uncontrollable screaming is in a whole different category of behavior.
If we were out in a mall, and saw an adult screaming and screaming at a child, and then saw the fear in the child's face, wouldn't we want to do something? I don't think we'd all just stop by and say to that adult, "Don't worry about it. We've all been there." An adult with dementia is vulnerable, just like a child is. No matter the provocation—and you had a LOT of provocation—that kind of behavior is not okay.
I think one reason that many of us want to care for our spouses ourselves is that we are afraid of the treatment they might receive in a nursing home. We certainly wouldn't think it was acceptable for an employee in a nursing home to scream at our spouses and frighten them. So why would it be okay for us to do that? The answer is that it's not.
Kadee---you are human and will blow at some point, when provoked. That can and shouild be forgiven. However, since you are aware of being out of control; don't like yourself that way; and are aware that it causes your DH to be fearful, it's time to be looking for some help--for both of you. Daycare or placement for him, and counseling, maybe meds for you. I think we need to be aware that as caregivers we are here to support each other as we care for our LOs, but we need to keep in mind that we also need to keep a perspective on when we go through normal reactions and when the reactions are running away with us. Reactions run amok are not acceptable.
Thanks for making me feel worse. After 6 years with no help, I am looking into Daycare for his well being & mine. I admire you if you never lose your temper, you are a better person than me. BUT, I am NOT Abusive to my husband.
Kadee, Jan and Carosi are not at all judging you, they are truly trying to help, and absolutely not wanting to make you feel worse. Please read their posts again and realize that it took courage for them to write as they did.
I'm so glad you're looking into day care; after 6 years you deserve some time off and I hope you can get it. Today is my/DH's first day and it is like a dream come true; I can't really believe it yet. In fact I won't dare to believe it until he goes back a few times and I can begin to trust that we can make it work. Good luck!
Kadee, it has only been a year and a half for me on this journey. I can't imagine where I will be after 6 years. I am not condemning you at all and I don't think you are abusive to your husband. I think you need and deserve some help and I think that's what they were trying to say. Hang in there.
Kadee, the way you reacted was normal. The fact that you recognized you felt out of control and you didn't do anything to physically harm your husband shows that you weren't truly out of control. You done good! And coming here to talk about it was exactly the right thing to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
I have pondered over the last few replies. I want to thank all those folks who made me not feel so bad. I know when you post something that everyone has an opinion on you are asking for differences. Was screaming the right thing to do...probably not, but it happened & I will try not to let it happen again, however, will not promise. I think frustration made me scream. I don't cry anymore...maybe that would be better, but it is just not there. As I said, I am looking into Daycare for his & my well-being. With that said, I have decided to go back to reading everyone's helpful post...which has been helpful beyond belief. However, I have decided I won't start a discussion again...other than the "Ages of Caregiver's" I have enough stress without beating myself up over the different opinions. I guess I have thin skin, to think that I would be included in the category of child & elder abuse. Hugs, to all caregiver's...God knows we need it.
Kadee, if it's of any value to you, I was in the same position as you are, frustrated and exhausted. I feared that I would become abusive if the situation continued and escalated, which it showed signs of doing. Fate, or God, stepped in, and my husband had a spontaneous compression fracture of the coccyx (due to osteoporosis) when I was away for 4 days, and he was under the care of live-in help. He was hospitalized for a month, developed other medical problems and went from there to a care facility. Elder abuse? I think his family doctor was abusive when he told the Health Centre when I was trying to get some help, "There's nothing wrong with Mr. N. He's a hundred per cent okay," thus delaying getting him on appropriate medication. I think that my husband's children were abusive because they never visited him or helped the four years he was at home with Alzheimer's. I think his ex-wife was abusive when she went into the care facility and told him, in my presence, "You poor darling. You shouldn't be here. You should be in your home with Mary taking care of you." If there's any abuse going on here, it's abuse of the caretaker. Moral of the story: we have to protect ourselves.
Kadee, I truly understand where you are coming from. I, also, have raised my voice and yelled at DH. We are doing the best we can and that is all we can do. The last few days I have had the inner ear problem return and he still expects me to take care of his wants now and not later. Where is the sympathy for our problems? At 82 I have a lot of aches and pains and I will not feel guilty if I loose it once in a while. There I said it. I know I should place him in a nursing home. Family and friends have told me so but I will have a few good days and I think I can do this. By the way, sometimes when I yell he seems to act like it relieves his stress and he is easier to take care of. Daycare is out of the question. When I called last week I was told they had discontinued daycare and their is not another here.
Kadee, what I forgot to say earlier was to thank you and applaud your courage for being so honest in your description of what happened. Who knows how many hundreds of caregivers out there have experienced something similar and will be comforted and strengthened by reading your account?
Bama you are a real gutsy lady. I love your humor in the face of all you are dealing with. You bring a comfortable balaance to this site, I hope you are able to find another day care site.