I am going to have back surgery this Monday. My parents are going to take care of me because their house is on one level. I want my DH to come with me but he refuses to go because he will not leave cat. He got a cat last June and has only bonded with my DH. I can't take cat with us but have found a cat sitter. DH can use microwave and is doing fine to leave to go to work and errands afterwards. He said is will do fine and it would be easier for him. I may go for 4-5 days. Should I leave him and if not, how can I get him to go?
Are your folks located close enough by that one of them could check on him or bring him to their place for lunch or supper? Or maybe someone else? I wouldn't leave him on his own for that long. If need be, get some in-home help for some hours each day. As far as he need know, tghey're making his meals and keeping the housekeeping up for you, not sitting him.(fiblet). Hope all goes well.
My parents live 40 minutes away. I think that I will get my dad to go and check on him and stay with him a few days. Maybe he would come with him. We will work more on this. I think he cares more for the cat than me???
beachgirl, I don't know what stage your husband is in. If he can fix himself his meals, dress himself, be trusted to stay alone for 5 days, then that is one scenario. If you have to answer no to any of the former items, I would have him go with you.
As for as the cat is concerned, a cat feeder and a clean kitty litter and fresh water dispenser and the cat will be okay at home for 5 days. Many people travel, and leave their cats at home with the automatic feeders and water dispensers, and everything is fine.
Your husband is afraid to leave his element, which is normal with AD spouses at certain periods. You would worry less if he were with you and you knew he was okay.
If it were me, he would go with me whether he wanted to or not....the trick is to make him want to....BRIBE HIM with something he really wants.....
DH is in stage 4. He can dress himself and fix himself easy meals. You are right that I will feel better if he was with me. I will tell him that my dad will bring him home in a couple of days and then keep him there until we go home. I will try to come up with something...
Does he have a favorite desert your mom could make for him? Or does he and your dad play dominoes or would he watch movies with your dad? I'm trying to think of something you could use as an incentive here..... <grin>
My husband cares more about his wine collection and wine friends than about me. It is a frustrating part of the disease when they can still care about their pet obsessions but not see the larger picture of a relationship.
Pam, for several years my husband, who in theory was putting together an article about some mathematics he'd always wanted to explore, PhD from CalTech, sat at his laptop in his recliner for many hours at a time, writing in TeX code and using Unix as the operating system our son had installed. He was highly annoyed if I interrupted him. Sometimes I'd hear him cussing and go to see if I could help him. ( I had been support and programmer for the academic administration at Brown, supported something like 100 people using Macs and several others using PCs, wrote Unix code which is the father of Linux code, etc, etc.) I was never allowed to help. It made things very difficult for us altogether. He wanted our son to come down to help him but nothing ever got "fixed." One of the first signs of his being in serious mental trouble was when I found him sitting there typing away to a blank screen. The thing wasn't even turned on. Fortunately it broke before too long and he never, ever asked for it again.
And ever since, his relationship with me has improved; he thanks me for help, he says he loves me, he even sometimes will hug back if I hug him. We're back to the way were MANY years ago. It is a relief. (Of course it would be more of a relief if he could dress himself, know where to go around the house, stay continent...)
I had back surgery last February. DH HAD to go stay with my daughter. There was no way I could let him stay at home. When I got out of the hospital (my recovery did not go as I suspected) we had to stay at my daughter's for a MONTH! He got to used to being there, he was enjoying himself! He enjoyed being with the little ones and the service we got from our daughter and her husband. They were really quite wonderful. But, I couldn't let him stay at home by himself. I do not let him stay in the house alone much anymore, only for quick trips to the store.
Depending on their stage, - we have to reach a point where they don't have permission to decide.
How often we write or read that their Reason Button is broken. If you cannot get the point across, then you MUST get someone else tell him. A firm tone, a voice of authority - such as his doctor, must say, "Consider you are doing this in the best interest of your wife, so she can heal instead of worry.." if he's early enough in the disease to understand those words. It is what it is... which means it's not a disease that requires supervision unless they don't want it.
Thanks for all your comments. I told him that he was going that I would worry too much if he was not with me. Now we may have to take him kicking and screaming :) I will ask doctor to talk to him as well. He still is in early stage but you never know what could happen being by himself.