Due to a family issue that had nothing to do with AD, I was unable to post a weekend blog, so I just posted one - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- that will cover Sunday and Monday. I invite you to read it and post your comments and suggestions here.
Thanks again for a helpful blog, Joan. I am really sorry I planned our Christmas travel so far ahead of time. I thought I was being smart because if you wait too long it's sometimes hard to get direct flights from Amsterdam without paying big bucks. AND I was confident that my DH would remain stable during his first year on Exelon. It hasn't worked out that way -- but now I'm stuck with a flight Amsterdam-Newark and return, and domestic flights to back and forth to Ohio for the family celebration in between. Till now we've always driven a rental car but that is not on the books this year. There is a lot of down time when we can relax and several days at my mother's when things will be quiet for DH. But the family get together at Lakeside (two days and nights) is hectic but something I could not miss for the world. My only chance to see most of my brothers and their kids and grandkids. Just have to clue everybody in ahead of time and then just do the best we can.
NOT looking forward to the holidays this year. My BIL and I have taken turns hosting Christmas Eve for the last 5 years or so and this year it's my turn. I need to tell him soon I just can't do it. 30 to 35 people and lots of little ones running around will be way too much for John. To be honest, it will be too much for me also. I get a little blue at that time of year and this year will be even sadder. No quiet glass of wine after the company leaves, no opening just one gift before we go to bed, no special breakfast Christmas morning. I'd like to crawl in a cave and come out on Jan. 2. I feel the gloom and loneliness setting in already. cs
cs, now it the time to make a change. Check with others in the family about taking your turn since your DH is ill. I could not handle doing that myself now. Used to love it. But my kids are more than happy to have something at their house. I have eliminated all gift buying and that was a great stress reliever. My aim now is just to enjoy being around family in someone else's home. This year I have rented a 5 BR home in ski country for 3 days starting December 27. All our immediate family (17) are planning on going. We will have a 4 hour drive each way and I am hoping DH will be able to do the short trip. The kids are taking over kitchen duty, I am taking my laptop and a book.
We generally go to my husband's son's house for Thanksgiving (here in the same town). Last year, DH did not handle it well and when we discussed it later with his neurologist, he turned to ME and asked why I would put him in that situation. I told him it was HIS family, not like I dragged him to a celebration with my family. He said it didn't matter, it was up to ME to keep DH out of stressful situations. I have already asked him if he would like to go to son's house this Thanksgiving and he said no, so that is that. I have no problem with staying home like it's any other Thursday. For Christmas, I think both my kids are coming from Michigan, but they have a two-week period to work with and I am thinking of asking them to come on separate weeks. I think DH will handle that better than if they all come the same week and there are 5 extra people in the house at once.
Not much to ger up for here. All family is 1000 miles away; son can't travel due to awaiting transplants. Mom in NH where sister lives. Thanksgiving will be just us - may go out for a late lunch if DH is up to it.
Christmas - same thing. Except I have always had an open house each year. I may still do that this year, but just not invite as many people as in the past. If I have it early afternoon, he usually does fine. We'll see in a couple of weeks - so I have time to plan it! I love Christmas and go all out in decorating; but may cut back this year. Too hard getting the stuff from the attic to the first floor and DH can't help me anymore. So.....looks like holidays, along with travel, may be out from here on in.
We will be going out to eat for Thanksgiving. There is just the 2 of us so I don't go through all that cooking and baking anymore. I will do all that for Christmas and then New Year. We have to have Pork and Sauerkraut for New Year or so says DH.lol.
This year for the first time it will just be my husband and me for the Thanksgiving weekend. We've always had family reunions then, except for two years when it was Diane, my husband and myself - and we went to the hotel for the fantastic buffet which we fell in love with. Then back to family reunions the last three years. However, my grandson is going to visit his other grandparents, so I've decided to bake the turkey tenderloin, cheat and have Stove Top Stuffing, with the veggies and salads and a pumpkin pie. It requires less than 30 minutes kitchen time and we'll still have "tradition", so to speak. I'm looking forward to relaxing, planning exactly what decorations I will put out this year for Christmas (decorating the roofline of the house with lights is now out). I will decorate the house on the inside and out, but on a smaller scale. The three children are coming for Christmas this year, and we'll have four of the grandchildren as well.
I did take precautions and make the following changes: one family of four is going to stay at a hotel on me, so the house doesn't get overcrowded at night; all dogs are going to be boarded at the vets so that they won't be underfoot with so many people; and my children, who consider themselves gourmet chefs (and they are!) will do the cooking while I sit by my husband and make sure it doesn't get too much for him. If it does, I can take him to our room. It is important to my children to be here this Christmas for two reasons - one is because it will be our first Christmas without Diane, and the other is because this is probably my husband's last Christmas. This is what they have told me, and I respect their needs too. I honestly think with the precautions I am taking, that it will be good for everyone.
I'm not quite sure what to do about Thanksgiving. We went out to eat last year and I might try to do that again this year, but probably a different place. I'll deal with Christmas later.
I am going to crawl in the hole with cs and keep her company. I have always said that if I didn't put up the Christmas tree I was admitting I am old. We will see....
Hey, Bama, YOU ARE NOT OLD....just tired...as we all are. The one thing is - we can do what we feel up to doing this year. Next year is another time. Do what you are comfortable with - and don't stress yourself out over trying to do what you have always done.....our circumstances have changed, and we have adjusted.
Okay, Momma Mary, I WILL put up the tree. He really enjoyed it last year and didn't want to see me take it down. How does scramble eggs sound for Christmas dinner?
Hi and Happy Novenber to All As my DH is in assisted living, the plans now are for me to stay there for a couple of days. They have an open invitation to spouses to spend the night. They even provide the meal with notice from me. Last year, my family was all here and with all the commotion, I didn't bring him home, and now I realize he is much more content and happy where he is. Visited yesterday after having been absent for a couple of weeks and it was just like I had stepped out of the room for a few minutes. Fortunetaly he is in a happy non aggressive stage now. But when he leaves the security of the ALF, he becomes fearful and irritable.
I must share this with you. Yesterday I asked him how have you been doing? Stupid of me to ask this anyway. He grinned, looked straight at me and said, "Like you used to say, I'm f........ goofy." I nearly fainted! He NEVER used this type of language, at least in my prescense. Who was he talking about? I certainly would never say that! Oh well, after we both had a good laugh the rest of the day was quite pleasant.
Even with the problems and loneliness I have faced over the past few years, it is evident the best decision I made was to place him at this wonderful ALF.
In the past several years, I have made Thanksgiving dinner for my sons, their wives, and Mary's brother. This year, because both sons have young children, they are schemeing to have all of us at one daughter-in-law's parents house. I don't get along particularly well with the husband, but I can put up with it for a couple of hours. Otherwise, I would be happy with PB&J.
As for Christmas, I have decided that there will be no exchange of presents for anyone over age 5. That covers the grandkids. I have no desire to roam the stores trying to find something for everyone else or receiving unwanted junk from them. We have boxes of decorations, so I will put up a tree but I probably won't bother with outside lights this year.
My husband's family has always had a party the Saturday before Christmas and we take turns. This year was to be my turn but my sister-in-laws all told me they didn't expect me to do it and went ahead and rented a hall and we will each contribute a dish. This will also be the last Christmas party because we all decided that we would instead have a family bbq in the summer at a forest preserve with a shelter. My husband has two older brothers and a younger sister, so between them, their spouses, kids and now grandkids there are almost 50 people.
I was so relieved when they took the decision out of my hands.
Thanksgiving is just dinner at my parents house with a max of 12 people. It's quiet and my husband is comfortable at my parents' home so that will stay the same. My family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve so thats a small event to. Quite manageable for him and me.
I do not like the holidays - they hold too many painful memories and disappointing expectations.
On a lighter note, when we spoke with our 3 almost 4 year old granddaughter last, she made it very clear we were to be back in time for Papa to put up Christmas lights and the tree. Last year her parents were making no effort to decorate for Christmas, so we got the fake tree and decorations out of the shed and put up. It was her first time decorating a Christmas tree. So we have to be back by the first part of December, but probably will be sooner. Art didn't really want to put them up but I got him too. For years he was the one that wanted them everywhere outside - added more every year. I guess not having a house to decorate has something to do with that. For me, I don't need all the decorations to remind the reason for the season. For me everyday is a celebration of His birth.
Charlotte, my childhood holiday dinners were at my brother-in-law's house. His aunts did not like me. I'm pretty sure that a bright 11 year old who was taller and heavier than them had to have been a hard thing to take, but I was still a little kid in a lot of ways. They were not happy memories.
As an adult I made my own traditions for my own family. It has made it a lot easier to find nice things to do for myself even with the current situation.