As many of you know, I've had a young man coming in since last June to take care of my husband once or twice a week. Sometimes a bit late coming, but very alert, obliging, sweet; my husband likes him. Does house and yard work. Well read.. but 25? And with no real job history. I knew there had to be a catch.
Friday he came in, in pretty bad shape. He'd moved in to his mother's basement recently and on Thursday she'd locked him out, because of a fight he'd had with his older brother who'd called mom and reported on him. The family sounds pretty disfunctional. Well, I stayed and talked with him (I was planning on staying home but having him do some chores for me anyhow, which he did) Turns out he's pretty much run the gamut on drugs, starting with ritalin as a young kid... on up all the way. Is now on methadone and has been clean since last spring.. but he's pretty fragile. His mother had given him $350 and then locked him out of the house. He was scared to have so much money, so I showed him a place to hide it in my house and said keep what you need for the weekend and then leave the rest here, get it when you next come (he doesn't have a key). I talked to his mother; she may relent after the weekend.
Obviously I do not need his problems. But he has been satisfactory for us and I do have sympathy for him. My question is: do people ever really recover who have been through taking hard drugs? I mean, I know AA people who have, from alcohol .. but I have not had experience with this; one of my kids went through a pot-smoking phase but that was about it. Can I trust him?
my 2 cents, briegull look for a new caregiver. unfortunately some make a recovery most do not. i was married first time around to a fancy smancy drug addict. now 40yrs later hes still in crisis off/on - one thing is if they are using you may not be aware of it right away and if they need money your home will become a place to take things for cash. my better judgment says get rid of him. you have had good experiences so far i would hate that to change. there are surely better suited persons you can trust to care for DH. i wouldnt be comfortable knowing his past leaving your DH under his watch. divvi
Just heard of a person who had a big open house for her parents large home in California....The parents and a sibling lived in the house and were all three moving into Assisted Living somewhere. After the Open House, they discovered that every bit of medicine these three people had in their medicine cabinets and drawers had been stolen. Just thinking of all the drugs we have here,.(including Morphine - Sleeping Pills - Anxiety Pills - etc. etc., ) makes me realize that we'd be a likely target. Forewarned is forearmed. I will NOT leave any medication where it can be located. (I keep all of our meds in two plastic Art Boxes (from Aaron's)..and they are usually slid in briefcase style on a closet shelf. Never would imagine meds were in there. Still, I need to check around for old meds and get rid of them if we're not taking them anymore.
If your husband is on Seroquel, or similar, it might be very tempting for someone having a bad day to take "just one". Or not. Just don't know. Drugs are a horrible addiction, as is Alcoholism and Smoking.
Briegull, I agree you should probably look for another caregiver. You have enough on your plate without getting involved with a possible drug addict. I ran this post past my son, who was on drugs for years. He said if he is still on methadone he is not completely "clean". He was also quite skeptical about the money. He said it could be that he needs a place to leave it so it won't be "collected" from him, along with a few other possible scenarios. (He thinks the money story is bogus.) It may be that he is sincere, and it may not. My son says that when involved with drugs a person can come up with all kinds of "believable" stories. Bottom line: He says he would not want me to be involved with a questionable caregiver. Be especially careful of the drugs. He might not be on them, but if he is short of money they bring a hefty price on the streets, even one or two. My son has been completely off drugs and alcohol for well over two years but says the temptation will always be there.
First of all, Clare, my comment would be that "all families are dysfunctional". In fact, I like to say to my family and friends that we put the "fun" in dysfunctional!
As to your serious problem with the helpful young man who has been there for some five months -- please don't kick him to the curb. If you have the interest and the strength -- and I'm guessing you do, please see if there's not some way you can be of assistance to him in his battle as he has been of assistance to you and DH in yours.
Yes, you should take precautions, yes, you should probably replace him, but if there is any way you can walk away from him without him drowning, please choose that route.
I hope and pray this works out for all concerned -- especially that young man as his life is just beginning...
PS, In regard to trusting him...who can any of us really trust? Methinks we can only trust ourselves.
Weejun I thought about your response for quite a while. Clare has enough to worry about. I think she is a very strong woman and realistic. A dear friend takes in strays and fosters them until they can fuction on their own (they happen to be kittens). If Clare can salvage this young man's life it would be a strong positive in an otherwise negative situation.
Now that you know what the issue is,and yet he has done nothing wrong to you, I think you should trust him, but you should be clear him about your concerns and that you will call the police if he steals from you. I would put your valuables away, so as not to temp him.
I have an older man doing yard and handyman work for me who is radically unreliable--if he says he is coming at 2 he shows up at 4 if he shows up at all. On the other hand he has good skills and charges me $10 to $15 an hour, and he is entertaining to talk to when we are working. I do feel sorry for him, as he and his wife are on the edge poor (no central heat in their mobile home, always a question whether they can pay the utility bills). But my approach is that what I can give him is work--if he wants to get paid he will have to show up (and sometimes if he doesn't show up I hire someone else to do that particular job). I had him take home a bookcase headboard to refinish for me, but it doesn't have a lot of value (we aquired it because the people before us left it in our current house) and I went to Lowes with him and bought him the supplies he needed. I won't pay him until he brings it back.
Your situation is different because you are leaving this person alone with your DH, so you may not want to take what is a risk. On the other hand, a good caregiver cheap usually involves something questionable (the person who is moving slowly into that role for us we pay in cash because she is on disability). What I would take from my experience is the idea that if you do continue with this young man don't get drawn into trying to help him beyond paying him for the work he does--tell yourself that all you can do for him is to give him a job and that is a lot. The other think I do is some combination of trusting my gut and yet not believing everything I am told. I say (to a friend who might want some work done): "This handyman says he has experience as a trim carpenter, but I don't know if he was just blowing smoke."
I have a friend whose son has a drug problem and relapses again and again. I thought he was better off when he was stable on methadone than when pressed to get off all drugs.
Thanks for all your comments. Gmaewok, your son's been clean for two years; that's encouraging...
Valuables have long since been put away, before he came. Not that there were many. Happens that I had a couple of plastic zip-locks with trinkets and a little money in them ($20 bill, for instance) that are out and visible so I can remember them. I considered it a kind of test to see if they ever disappeared. Haven't.
We DO have one pill bottle with a few seroquel in it, which L. doesn't take. Hadn't thought to hide it - the only other possible street drug is trazadone. The money: he asked me to talk to his mother which I did. She told me that she had given him money and then locked him out. She runs a market research company (it's in the phone book). The boy went to private school until high school. He's got a common Anglo-Saxon name and looks. Somehow the other day there was a show on the History Channel or something about horse breeding. L. was watching it and Andrew passed by saying, oh, look, that's dressage, what that horse is doing. So basically raised in a literate household.
I do think he is really trying very hard to stay straight. I realized last night that a friend I worked with for many years at Brown, a "recovering" alcoholic (hasn't had a drink in 30+ years), also worked with Brown students who were on drugs. I am going to contact him and get his advice and maybe some referrals.
Believe it or not, we've never locked our doors unless we are going out of town. Quiet little neighborhood (plus, for many years, we had a good watchdog). I am, however, changing that. Doors will be locked when we're out. No point tempting fate.
I think that for now, I'll keep him - the old trust but verify routine. I just can't pitch him overboard when he has trusted me with his story and when he has done nothing wrong here. I AM going to cut back to one day a week, because it's just too expensive to have him or anyone twice a week (esp. on Mondays, when they get holiday pay).
Tough one! The nurturer, caregiver in all of us wants to believe in him and hopefully help him to recover. I think talking to fellow at Brown is a great idea. Not sure if you have mentioned it before...is he hired through an agency? When I dealt with nursing staff who were addicted...we had to by law report them. Since he has done no wrong, there is no reason to report him. But if he does cause problems it is imperative for you to report him to agency and if not hired through agency to state board of registration. The board does try to rehabilitate folks, but their main responsibility is to protect patients/clients.
That his mother corroborates his story is a good start.
Briegull, if he is on methadone, he is in a program of some sort. I've seen miracles happen in NA and AA. I've also seen multiple relapses. In dealing with addicts, we can have hope but not expectations. Your approach of trust but verify is a good one.
He came on the dot at eight this morning. He's going to see his mother afterward and she's letting him move back into the house. He had a bad weekend staying at his brothers (didn't know where else to stay) and someone else staying there stole what money he had after paying the locksmith to open his car, so it's good he'd left some here. He seems in much better shape - as he normally does - and says he really wants to make good and stay clean. Good point re the methadone, Bob.
Meanwhile, I've come down with what I hope is a cold - it feels all in my head, doesn't really feel like flu, but I'm letting Andrew deal with Lincoln (although I have him outside working on the leaves now). Glug!
Carol asked me how he was with the cats. Mutual admiration society.
Maybe he needs to make a spare key to his car and leave that at your house too! (grin) Sounds like even his brothers live with a bunch of undesirables. Hard to get on our feet when you're around people that pull you down. If he likes cats, he can't be all bad.