In the science/psychology of child-rearing there is a concept of the "good-enough mother." It means that although most mothers know what they should be doing in the way of nurturing/discipline etc., no one can do it perfectly all the time. And it's not necessary to be a perfect parent, in order to produce a healthy and well-adjusted child -- "good enough" is good enough. (In fact, it's better NOT to be perfect -- check out the Wikipedia article on "good enough mother")
The same concept is used in the field of psychotherapy and there is a similar theory that has come to be a widely-accepted concept of care-giving. Many caregivers become unhappy or even clinically depressed because they try to be perfect. But you don't have to be a perfect care-giver. It's OK -- and actually much better -- to be a "good-enough caregiver."
I've found information on this in Dutch caregiving manuals used in dementia facilities, and there are lots of articles on the internet. Just google "good-enough mother" and "good enough caregiver" to find them.
"Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations for ourselves, which come from a drive for perfectionism and from our culture’s idealized notions of family life. We also may have wishful thinking about how much of life we can control. No matter what you do, or how well you do it, there will continue to be frustrations as situations change. No matter how hard you try, it is hard to live up to the ideal of the ever-sacrificing, ever efficient, always available good son or daughter. Sometimes all you can be is “good enough.” A good-enough caregiver strives to give the best care he or she can give without sacrificing his or her own physical or mental health in the process. The good-enough caregiver recognizes that trying to be perfect every day and in everything will lead to “burnout.” The good-enough caregiver takes time out for herself. She is like a long-distance runner, pacing herself, holding back some reserve energy for later sprints. The good-enough caregiver, refreshed and ready, rather than raw and resentful—might just be a great caregiver after all."
Just one more quote (sorry to be so long-winded, but I've found this to be a very helpful concept):
"Good enough caregiving means that you remember why you started caring for your loved one in the first place. They need you. They don’t need just anyone–they need you–the person who loves them, the person who is dedicated to making sure they’re cared for properly. These are reasons you can believe in.
Good enough caregiving means that you self-correct when you get “off.” So you got snippy. Make a mental note on how to handle it better the next time.
Good enough caregiving means that you say you’re sorry, and you don’t beat yourself up all night. It also means that you forgive easily. Even when your care buddy, or care professional doesn’t ask for forgiveness, you just know they didn’t mean it that way.
Good enough caregiving means you can step back and look at the big picture and accept the imperfectness in yourself, in others. You’re okay with all that life has handed you–even the less-than-great-parts.
Perfect caregiving? No such animal. Every situation offers a chance to learn and grow. Sometimes we’re tired and we don’t say or do what we know we should. Sometimes we do. And that’s good enough."
Excellent information, Jeanette, thanks for sharing. My personal opinion is that this same "allowance" should be given to facilities providing care. That is what I learned when my father was in a NH with AD. Things weren't perfect all the time and even though we were paying for his care I came to understand that humans just like me were providing it. I believe sometimes we expect too much from others as well as ourselves.
This brought a bit of a chuckle for me. In my working world (programming), they also use this concept. It is a fact that 95 percent of the problems in a program can be caught in 5 percent of the testing time. The last 5 percent of the errors take 95 percent of the testing time. In my working world, good enough just doesn't quite cut it - you wouldn't want your pay check wrong would you? I had to struggle a lot to not expect that same perfectionism of myself as a caregiver. It was and is still difficult for me.
It has been interesting watching my mother clean out her home. She carries the idea of perfect way too far. If she couldn't do something perfectly, she wouldn't do it. That whole thing also applied to her home and is part of what made it overwhelming for to even start to clean it out - if she couldn't do it perfectly, she wasn't about to try. So I got to inherit that gene but somewhere along the way, I've learned that sometimes okay has to be good enough.
"Good enough" is my motto. Being perfect is just too frustrating and costly to our physical and mental health...and for what? Let the inconsequential 5% go!
I've said that 'When the best you can do is the best you can do, then the best you can do is enough.' My mother needed everything perfect, I have a sister who is perfect--in her eyes. What I learned from them is that sometimes perfection can be overrated.
When I was 18 I decided I wanted a "good enough" husband. I met mine and decided he really was good enough. It will be 49 years in February. Now the good enough husband has a good enough caregiver. I can't do perfect.
Thanks for posting this, Jeanette. It's a very interesting and sensible approach. Something I think professionals and support groups should emphasize--but I don't think they really ever do. As a matter of fact, I was told that reason DH's disease is progressing slowly is that he gets such good care. Well, that may be a compliment (don't know if it's medically sound), but the result of hearing it would tend to make the caregiver strive for even more perfectionism! Good care certainly improves quality of life for the patient, but I don't think the science has advanced to the point where they can explain why some people progress more rapidly than others.
As I watch my husband go through this disease I keep revising my thoughts on "good enough". He is getting good care in the facility where he is and I work very hard to stay on top of whatever is happening with him. The quandry I am running into now with him in stage 7 is "is getting all that great care keeping him alive longer"?. This is not life for either of us and it is not the way he would want to live. So, I am not too sure I am doing him any great favors by the good care. How he is living now was his worst nightmare of the end of his life. This is from his perspecitive.
From my perspective, I have to ensure that he gets good care so he is as comfortable as possible while going through this disease, so I can live with myself in the future. I need to know that I gave him the best I could.
Tis a very fine line we walk giving them the right care, trying to maintain their dignity and somehow taking care of ourselves in the process.
therrja my husband is also at end stage. In his former life he never tolerated anything less than perfect. To end life in this degrading condition is every one's worst nightmare. All I can do is to be sure he is well cared for, not in pain and some modicum of dignity maintained.
Jeannette--your post was more than good enough. you said it so well and you said it all. Thanks so much
I'm sending it to my friend whose husband may have LBS. They are still working on the diagnosis. She's getting retty worked up. Everything I've learned here I'm trying to pass on to her so that she can keep calm.