Hello. There are so many posts today that have hit me and I am unable to respond to each as thoughts are too scattered.
FIRST: I apologize to anyone that has lost their loved ones through this disease or suicide. You may not want to read this ugly post.
I am trying everything I know how to hang on. I am on anti-depressants and increasing from typical dosage w/dr permission. I am in therapy on a weekly basis. I have my first respite trip home to Minnnesota scheduled for early Dec. I have joined a small book exchange club. I switched jobs to more stable hours and less stress. I am applying for food stamps to help my budget.
I pray every day for my beloved husband to die. Sick. I pray everyday to get me through another day without following through my detailed and nearly fool-proof suicide plans.
Everyday I make decisions that would make the average person fill with disgust and want me locked up ie..my finances are completely depleted to the point that I can no longer maintain routine care for my home. The leak in my roof will get worse, the furnace may or maynot make the winter and my car is on it's last legs. hmm..how will I get to work? Yet, I continue to pay a 300.00 monthly payment on a large life insurance policy on my husband that will expire in 20 months. No casinos for me..I roll the dice on my husbands life expectancy. Sick.
I know firsthand the issues of suicide survivors. My husbands 1st wife committed suicide after her diagnosis of Huntingtons Disease.She was 27. I no longer care much what my family would have to deal with. I just want this relentless bottomless well of grief to stop.
I am alone across the continent from my family in Minnesota. Came here to give my husband a better life. 1 year later his dx of severe dementia. Never have had time to make friends..as I take care of a happy "four year old" man. I have care in my home while I work, but the rest of the time it's me. My family no longer ask me if there is amything they can do to help, or I would ask them for 25.00 to get a haircut. My sister-in-law asked if I was going to cry when I come home in December. Guess I better not at her house.
This is such an ugly post. My apologies to anyone offended, that is not my intent. Just to communicate to a group of people that understand that people see the tip of the iceberg of this grief...the reality is the grief and lonliness are killing me faster than my husband is dying. I envy those that have lost their LO. I wish to be in their shoes and even that is sick.
Forgot: I am in this situation due to only my decisions. I am the only person responsible. I never should have married this man I have loved for 30 years. I should have left and saved myself. Every decision I have made through my life has led me here and I have no one to blame but myself.
Patty, I'm sorry things are so bad. It sounds as if you need help right now. Can you call your therapist and get some counseling over the phone? Or maybe you could call the Alzheimer's Association helpline at 800-272-3900. I understand they are very helpful. I'm worried about you and wish I could be of more help. Hang in there and someone else with better advise than I will be along. We all love you and want you to stay with us!
Pat, I don't know what to say to help you, but that it's good you've been able to post all this. Please hang in there and keep posting. Your situation sounds serious and you've been dealt a very bad hand, but I don't agree that it's all your own fault. Who could be blamed for marrying a guy she loves and choosing to take care of him? YOU didn't choose for him to get this disease, which is causing all this devastation.
As far as wanting your husband's life -- and your life as a caregiver -- to end, if you've been reading the posts you'll know that you're not alone in this. I'm sure it's a thought that crosses a lot of minds. Nothing to feel guilty about. Who could blame you? Not me.
How were you able to arrange the respite ?
There are lots of friends here for you. I hope they will be chiming in soon with more practical advice than I am able to give. I am so glad you're going to take a trip in December and see your family. Isn't that something to live for? Perhaps you will be able to ask someone among them for help. Anyway, you will get some adult conversation and a change of scene.
Hey Sheltifan...am a discrete viewer where do I begin! First, pleased to hear that you are going to doc and are doing all the right things to help yourself. What makes this a possible ugly post is not your thoughts of wishing your husband's horrific journey to end, but that you would consider taking your own life! I am sure that there are many folks who read these posts that at one time or another have wished a speedy end for their LO. I have. Does not mean that you are anything but normal. People find it difficult and feel very guilty for wishing the end to any terminal illness. When there is no cure....
If it is the life insurance that is making you crazy.....hmmm...sounds like a pragmatic decision if you can put up with all the other things that are going wrong in your home. Hopefully you are sharing this all with your therapist. As far as your family...maybe they were not happy with all your decisions...try to reach out to one that understands and enjoy your time at home. Maybe you have a relative who would give you a loan to solve the heating and car issues.
Lastly, stop beating yourself up! Keep talking to us so we can offer some good, bad or funny (where are you guys) advice.
Believe it or not you can say the unthinkable here and be understood and accepted. And we do want you to come back and talk to us. You aren't the first one here who is at the end of her rope. You won't be the last.
You want your husband to die so that both of you will be let out of hell. Don't think you are alone. As scs said this is a terminal illness and there is no cure. I know my situation is going to be a lot worse before it gets better, and the only way it will get better is when he dies. I hope he has an easy death, but that is the only thing different from what you have said and what I'm saying. Financially I'm nowhere as messed up as you are, but it could go there.
Have you considered placing your husband? Have you called in hospice?
First, it is not an ugly post. You are filled with fear. And fighting for survival. And isolated from your family and friends. Try not to despair. I know it is easier said than done. You MUST get the telephone number for a suicide hot line. (Can someone help her with this?) We understand and you don't need to apologize. I guess you read Susan L's post. She came to the same point with suicide. Attempted. You talked about your nearly fool proof suicide plans. Please hang on....How can we help? Keep talking to us. Just let it out, don't hold back, and don't worry about offending anyone. I am certain not a soul was offended by your post.
PLEASE HEAR ME! Do not go through with your plans. You can and will get through this. I am LIVING proof. Call the Alz Hotline, call a friend, call me! My email is listed, email me and I will give you my phone #. Maybe going home to Minnesota isn't the best way to spend respite time, if you family isn't supportive. Could you go somewhere else? Even a couple days alone to get you head clear would be a better option. I never thought about the repercussions of suicide, but they are there. Please hang on. We love you and we understand. Things can and will eventually get better. Feel my hugs. Arms around, Susan
sheltifan, please give them a call and you can speak with a bonified counselor today. they will talk with you and offer options that you arent able to see right now. please call soon.
we are holding your hand, sheltifan, hang on. if you can get thru this immediate crisis things will look up soon. divvi
Patty, I can't possibly express how badly I feel for you. You're in a very bad place right now. Have you told your therapist you have a specific suicide plan? If not, you need to do that pronto. If you feel you are imminent danger of acting on the plan, please please call a local suicide hotline, Alz hotline, your therapist's answering service and tell them it's an emergency. Please reach out to someone. All of us are with you in thought, playing out as much rope as you need to cling to to keep from falling any further, tying knots like crazy, reaching out to you.
Sheltifan, I'm sure you've heard this before, but it is true, that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When your life is gone, you have given up the chance for a future that is better. Sure, life itself is a roller coaster, but in between the bad times, there can be the sweetness and joy of good times. Don't cheat yourself out of those; they are out there somewhere in the future. I am looking forward to mine, and never want to give up the chance to have them.
hello everyone and thank you for your kindness and concern. Please let me set the record straight. I have no intention of suicide today. I pray upon awakening to get through another day. My therapist and dr know how deep my depression is and what I feel are legitimate alternatives. This is more a longer range issue, than immediate concern.
I do like that, TexasJoe...a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I have had a number of hours of a good cry today and am drained. Does anyone have any experience with professional therapy making this WORSE? I feel I did better on my own...
Thanks for your support and reassuring me these horrible thoughts are not mine to bear alone.
If your therapy is making you feel WORSE, then you are seeing the wrong therapist. I have a master's degree in counseling. Try a different one that makes you feel BETTER. It could be the topics that arise, and surface, are difficult for you. That would be no reflection on the therapist. Still, it wouldn't hurt to try another.
I am so glad to hear that you pray each day to get through another day. That means you want to live. I'm not sure what you meant by "legitimate alternatives."
Therapists -psychoanalysts whomever you are seeing their job is to help us confront the issues at hand. most people dont go to therapy because they are happy and feel great.
they go because they have underlying mental stress and unanswered questions they cant resolve on their own. thus the therapists jobs are to help us confront those issues and help us find a working solution that benefits us in the long and short terms.
confronting our demons head on is not an easy task. it takes time and many sessions to allow ourselves to be able to dissimilate the reasonings behind our behaviours and how to affectively find solutions and gain insight to how we function as individuals.
its a step in the right direction to allow yourself the ability to know that you need and deserve help and will look forward to a time when life isnt so hard to handle -and that the caregiving is only a temporary time in our lives.
we must look forward to a those better times ahead to survive the ordeals at hand. my best, divvi
You are not alone in your thoughts and plans; and do keep talking. Call the hotlines. From your remarks, you know better days are ahead for you when all the troubling issues are resolved. It's not your fault.
Dear Patty, I will keep you in my prayers. I also would call the Alz.Assoc...I am sure they will be able to help...I like what Joe said, Suicide is a permanent solution to a Temp. problem....very true...Keep posting, there are so many here that will be able to help....God Bless you, many Hugs..Rosalie
I'm glad to hear from you again, Patty. I like what both Joe an Divvi said. Please keep posting and let us know what is happening and how you are doing.
Sheltifan-- Want to try and throw a little humor your way --
Sometimes I drive down the road with DH in the passenger seat and wonder if I hit a tree on the side of the road with just the right trajectory if I could be sure to walk away... Nah, never happen -- the dementia gods wouldn't let me off that easy. I used to fuss at him all the time about wearing his seatbelt. I've worn one since the 60's. I would tell him, "if we have a wreck your body will become a projectile and wipe me out while I'm "safely" strapped in my seat."
Bless your heart. There is NOTHING you can think or say that somebody here doesn't think or say. I don't think there are any ORIGINAL thoughts or dreams, or worries, or fears, or hopes, or prayers any of us could have that another hasn't already had. But, that is the beauty of this "soft place to land" that Joan has provided for us all.
Make sure you check in here often. We've just had an awful scare with our beloved SusanL and we want to be sure our beloved Sheltifan is safe.
Sheltifan-- enough of us have gone where you are--or close-- to have a good understanding of what you're facing. From our experience, let us assure you, the best, but hardest way to pull out of the Abyss, is to work through it. Meds, counseling, or both. It's hard, and it can hurt, but you will come out of this stronger and with the tools to stay mentally strong. TJ said it well when he told you--suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." The guilt you claim is false. At any given time you make the best decisions you can with the information available. It is not surprising that a lot of things have gone bad for a lot of people, because of the economy, and other factors beyond their control. YOU DO THE BEST YOU CAN, and then deal with what happens. We are here to listen and to help. You can pull out of this. The sun comes out (somewhere) every morning and sets every evening--sunrises and sunsets are gorgeous. So are rainbows,butterflies, grandkids, pets, and a bazillion other small things. You don't want to miss them, or any of the other good things yet to come.
carosi, you are so right. Wouldn't want to miss spring when the trees put on new clothes and the fall when the leaves turn colors. I even like trees when they are bare in the winter. Stay the course, Sheltifan and just get through every day as it comes We can all do one day at a time, and then another, and another and before you know it the sun will be shining and life will be good.
carosi and bama, you are both inspiring. It's hard to be depressed and unhappy when you think about sunrises and sunsets and the beauty of the seasons.
((Sheltifan)) I understand many of the thing are feeling, I think most of us have had these thoughts. I have never wished Lynn gone, but I have wished for my pain to end. Lynn was my everything. My Dad was my hero and I could always count on him, he was my superman. After he killed himself, the combination of losing him and my husband was just too much and grief consumed me. I didn't know how I was suppose to survive the loss of the two most important people in my life. And in truth, I didn't want to.
I thought the grief would drive me mad. But I reached out for help and found it was normal for survivors of suicide to feel this way. It is also perfectly normal to have these feeling as we lose our spouse to this horrific disease. When it becomes dangerous is when one's thinking leads them to believe the only way to relieve their pain is to end their life.
I am not lecturing you, I am not judging you. I am however very concerned about you and for you. When you say you no longer care even about the pain you will leave your family in... that scares me. My Dad reached that point. I know how very much he loved us, mere words can not express how much. Yet even that wasn't enough to keep him here. He hid his pain behind his beautiful smile. He told no one and he didn't reach out for help.
I know you are seeing someone, but perhaps if these thoughts are still so prevalent, you should see someone else? Please keep talking to us, you don't have to be alone. ((Sheltifan)) I am so very sorry you are in so much pain. Keeping you deep in my heart, thoughts and prayers ((hugs)) Nikki
some thoughts to ponder......
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
"People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead."
………
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. ..............................
Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman ( I read this because we are grieving our spouses loss)
"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak Whispers the oe'r fraught heart and bids it break" ~ William Shakespeare
"The pressure of unspoken grief is like that inside a pressure cooker-it builds and builds until one feels as though another tiny increment of pain will drive one mad.
Speak. Tell a friend. Tell another friend, or the same friend again.
...................
"In time, we will be able to feel the spray on our face without a fear of drowning, even to savor the taste of the salt on our lips because, in addition to the poignancy of loss come the rush of love for the one we have lost and perhaps a sense that in the mystery of the universe, we still inhabit that universe together and are tied together in a love that cannot come untied."
"What is essential does not die but clarifies," wrote Thornton Wilder. And again, "The greatest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." Eventually, we will find our way through this particular "valley of the shadow," and while there may always be a tinge of sadness, there will come a sense of our own inner strength and our ability to rejoice in the life we have shared, and to look toward a future in which the loved one, though not physically present, continues to bless us."
.........
Learning to trust will be for all of us the means by which the root system grows firm and nourishes the tree of life. ~Elaine M Prevallet
" All winter, in many parts of the country, the earth has lain brown and barren-or covered with chilling snow. But beneath that apparently lifeless earth the roots of plants have maintained themselves in a necessary hibernation. Then comes spring, year after year, the earth comes to life again, and blooms with beauty and nutrurance.
Maybe this can be a model of trust for us -that the season of depression and sorrow will, in time, give way to a renewed love of life and appreciation for its gifts. Including the gift of life and the legacy of the one we have loved."
One of our sons tried to take his own life 3 times when he was a teen-ager. It was so incredibly painful for him and for us and the family. It took quite a while but he's so well now. I'm sure he doesn't really remember all the details anymore--but I do.
If this councellor isn't doing you any good or if you are still in pain, plese find another one. And please do not stop writing to us. God loves you and so do wel. I know it's hard for you to absorb that right now, bt it is true.
It's a new day. Fall is in the air in New Mexico and the air is cool and the sun warm.
Have any of you heard of drunk-dialing? You know, calling someone when you have had a few too many? Well..I grief-posted. When I was overcome with grief and loneliness and terror and exhaustion, I posted.
And you all were there. To throw me a rope. To remind me I am not alone. That these thoughts are not mine alone to bear. That my hopes for a future can still occur. I am only 52. It is too young to give up. I know it. I just need to be reminded. Over and Over and Over, if necessary.
The grief-storm has lessened today. I fixed a toilet. I fixed a dishwasher. I hung pretty lites outside on my patio. I am going to hang a broken curtain.
I am going to continue with this therapist. I have only had 3 sessions, mostly me sobbing. One foot in front of the other.
My husband is watching football today and is interested. He hasn't been able to follow football for years. I love him dearly.
Each of you have helped me get through a difficult time. Nikki, I relate so to your feelings for your husband and with the loss of your Dad, reaching out to me must have been difficult for you, thank you for your selflessness. Weejun, thank you for letting me know I am not the only person on earth that has thought of how to release my poor husband from a misery he is unaware of. I am so ashamed of those thoughts and feelings. (yes, we have always had shelties...small herd of 4 at one time. now just 2)
Saw a good movie last nite...Sunshine Cleaning. Don't want to spoil it for anyone that wants to see it, but the message was how much someone missed in life by committing suicide.
Again.. to each of you. Today is easier. Tomorrow is not yet here, so I am not going to dwell on it. Thank you all for letting me release the uglyness of this life and still have a place to come. What a special place this is. Thank you Joan for providing it.
Sheltifan, I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. Your had everyone so concerned, because we all are learning how fast one can fall into the abyss. It's a tough row to hoe, but as I keep telling myself, it is not forever. Just hang in there ((((HUGS)))).
Oh Sheltifan, I'm so relieved to read your much more upbeat post. It is really something for me to face the reality of suicide from your perspective, it was a real wake up call for me. Thank you for sharing, keep sharing, we all want to be here for each other. I don't know where I would be without you and all our Alz sisters and brothers. Arms around, Susan
Patty, your feelings are your feelings. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It looks like it did you good to get verbalize the stuff that's been dragging you down, to purge some of those feelings. Please stay close with us now. We're here for you. The sun will come up again tomorrow.
I'm so glad to see that you are feeling better. I think all of us have had "those" times. It is good to have a place to come to where others can understand. To me, this is much better than a real life support group. People here support, suggest, and reach out and you don't have to "face" them at the next session. This is a great place and I'm so glad I found my way here.
Patty - beside evaluating your therapist, look at the anti-depressant you are on. It may not be the right one for you. I remember when I was in a deep depression in the 90s, my therapy sessions were 1 1/2 hours - mostly with me crying while letting out the pain. I would go home exhausted but it was what I needed to make it through the week. I did turn to self mutilation for a while which did not make my therapist happy - nor me as it is an addiction I will always battle. I finally went off Prozac because I was more suicidal on it than off it. This is where you may think of a different drug. And alcohol is not a good mix with anti-depressants.
I have been away from this sight the last 3 weeks (seems like an eternity so much apparently has happened) and today we left the camp host job we had. Won't go into the reasons, but today my husband has driven me bonkers with his repeating and forgetting what he already complained about. I too wish this disease would go if it is has to be.
First let me say that I haven't posted in several months and I will be immensely surprised if this post is allowed on the site. I wrote a similar post titled “Tell me what you think.....” and ask if anyone ever thought about sitting in their car in the garage with their LO, turning on the engine and holding their LO and going to sleep, never to wake again. If you want more detail, the post is still there. The next day, three county sheriff's car came blazing up my drive with lights flashing and sirens blaring, compliments of the social workers on this site. They obviously knew I had not killed myself when they saw me , but then they questioned me about murdering my wife. It was only after they saw her that they left. So much for the “ you can discuss any subject” on this site. DickS
Dick, that must have been mortifying, and I'm really sorry it happened. Obviously the situation was not handled well by someone - either the social workers on the site or your local sheriff's department. At the same time, someone here cared enough about you and your wife to try to prevent your taking, as someone else said "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." What, do you think, would have been an appropriate response? It could help those of us who get concerned by posts like yours and sheltifan's know how best to react.
I'm very serious about wanting your insight. Please help us out here.
Janet, I had corresponded with Joan on many occasions and she had my e-mail. I also had sent money to support the site and my phone number was on the check, so I would assume perhaps someone would have taken note of that. I would have preferred that someone from the site would have tried to at least contact me, before they called the police in. If they did not succeed to reach me, then they should have contacted the police. I posted around 10:00PM and the police came in the early afternoon of the next day, so urgency was not an issue......the site had plenty of time to contact me. DickS
If someone writes on this board that they are considering suicide, planning suicide, or anything resembling having a plan for suicide, the social worker advisors are bound by LAW to report it. IF I have the name and phone number of the person, I COULD make the decision to call them first, before getting the authorities involved. I DO NOT have Sheltifan's real name or phone number. Therefore, the warnings and advice given to her by other members, to call the various hotlines, was as far as I could go.
Please understand that any psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, health care professional, etc. is BOUND BY LAW to report a potential suicide. What if the person carried through on it? One MUST err on the side of caution when lives are possibly at stake.
As for Dick S and his situation, after the incident, I e-mailed him privately, and never spoke of it on the message boards. Only because he has chosen to go public, have I mentioned him in this post. The social workers were adamant in that situation. It was the first time I was confronted with a problem like this, and I responded to their pressure. The police handled it very badly, after assuring us that they would be discreet, and quietly check on him. However, since I knew his name, address, and phone number, I should have called him first. I did not, and I understand his fury, but I repeat - One MUST err on the side of caution when lives are possibly at stake.
Yes, you can discuss any subject on this site, but when there is a danger of lives being lost, the administrators and advisors of ANY public forum are obliged to report it.
Joan, many of us are Mandated Reporters. Here is a great link. Mandated reporter - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia In many U.S. states and Australia, mandated reporters are professionals who, in the ordinary course of their work and because they have regular contact with ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandated_reporter - 36k - Similar
Thanks for always watching out for us Joan. Sometimes I think we may be more that you bargined for ;o)
Thank you Joan for sharing your thoughts and outlining the site's policy. This will help us all to reach out to those in need in a coordinated fashion.
Sheltifan, first of all nothing "SICK" in anything you wrote. Your feelings have been shared by many of us. Certainly by me. And you may feel this way again but each time I got through it I knew I probably wouldn't actually do it. But the feeling of despair so dark that you wish to be dead is awful, just awful. And one thing I recommend from some very painful experiences is to reach out to people you absolutely are certain will be there for you in that moment in the way you need.
Reaching out to my family was nearly the death of me as adding to the grief of this dementia life the feelings of betrayal or disappointment with regard to your family is too much. The best call I ever made was to the AD hotline whose number is above in one of the posts. I was afraid Suicide Hotline would call the police so I called Alz hotline and told them that I was NOT going to kill myself but that I desperately wanted to. They immediately put someone on the phone with me who talked with me for over an hour and I will never forget him. The people at AlzAssoc understand in a way that other therapists or people in general just won't.
You can also call me. (BTW, I may be one of the few people around who is awake until 2-3 AM routinely, so don't ever let the hour keep you from calling.) My e-mail is in my profile and I'd be happy to give you my cell number. I have often wished for someone I could call who is going through this journey but haven't yet found a support group out here and don't have any friends in my situation. Since I was trained as a support group facilitator by the AlzAssoc they have given my number to a couple of people and it helped me to be able to answer their questions and share their feelings.
I'm glad to see your posts showing your mood improving. Keep track of anything that makes you feel the slightest better.
Thank you so much for opening up your soul to us. I'm 58. Was your age when I started noticing things changing. We can't let this beat us!
Joan, I understand completely the need to err on the side of caution. My father was a suicide. A good friend told me she wanted to kill herself many years ago. I told our minister and my friend almost stopped speaking to me. I told her I can't take a risk like that after having lived through my father's death.
I have called the Alzheimer's Association hotline twice, basically in the middle of the night when I was freaking out. They talked me down. I was never at the suicide level, just very upset, so a suicide hotline wouldn't have known what to do with me. I haven't needed to do that in a year or more, but they were there for me when I needed them. They really do understand.
I understand that the Alzheimer's Association was created with caregivers in mind. Probably has a lot to do with their focus.