THIS IS A NEW SONG BY KENNY CHESNEY AND DAVE MATTHEWS, IT SUMS UP HOW I FEEL, PERFECTLY. I'VE BEEN AMONG THE MISSING DUE TO COMPUTERS CRASHING, BUT I'M BACK AND READY TO DANCE, CAN'T WAIT FOR THE CRUISE.
I'm Alive lyrics
Feat - Dave Matthews
So damn easy to say that life's so hard Everybody's got their share of battle scars As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that
I'm alive and well
It'd be easy to add up all the pain And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain But not me... I'm alive
And today you know that's good enough for me Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see Today's the first day of the rest of my life And I'm alive and well I'm alive and well
Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life Now I'm alive and well
And today you know that's good enough for me Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see Today's the first day of the rest of my life Now I'm alive and well Yeah I'm alive and well
Susan, your resilience amazes me. I'm not in near as bad a situation as you, and I get so discouraged sometimes. I have to go on the cruise to meet you!
OK, we can Dance! Remember my Motto, BETTER LIVING THROUGH PHARMACOLOGY. Now the truth, my recent hospitalization was not due to a car accident, although I did crash into the lake, but in truth it was a suicide attempt. I fell into a black hole, and could not ask for help. I had been crying out for help for weeks, and finally I just felt nothing. I was calm, organized and puposefull. I wrote a letter to those I loved, took as many pills as I could find, (way too many) washed them down with a huge glass of wine and drove to the lake. I waited for dark, and for the pills to kick in. When I thought I would drift off, I lined the car up with the boat ramp, put down the windows so that the car would sink quickly and gunned it. I was so calm. After the initial crash, It was soooo quiet, and I was calm as the car filled with water, then the water began to RUSH in and it scared me. I swam out of the window because I was afraid of the rush of the water, not because I wanted to live, it was surreal. I surfaced and realized that I would probably live and was pissed. I began the long swim to shore. Once on shore, I collapsed on the pavement and cried out, what a failure I was. Shit, I couldn't even kill myself right. I'd even failed at slitting my wrists. I tried to flag down some cars, but no one stopped. I sat and cried. Finally a young girl pulled in. She asked if I was hurt and I said yes. She said her name was Jenn. I told her what I'd done, she hugged my wet cold body to hers and said she'd help me, that she understood, her sister Becky had committed suicide. Soon help came from all directions. I ended up in the ER for many, many hours I'm told. Eventually I heard my beautiful son's voice whispering in my ear, "Mom, I need you, Mom, I need you." He had driven 2 1/2 hrs in the middle of the night to get to me. I was transferred far away to northern Maine to an amazing facility that I did not know even existed. They gave me all the love, support, attention, space, tools and so much more. I left feeling confident that with help, I could see Jim through this awful disease and not have to go ahead of him to wait at Heaven's gate. It was ok, for him to go first and wait for me, when my time was right. For now, I'm alive and with the help of all who love me and Our Lord and my Dad, who watches over me, I will survive. It feels so right to share my story with all of you. I wasn't ready before, only Frank knew the truth. He was there for me each evening with a phone call that made me laugh. He kept me informed of all the alz news and that connection was so very theraputic. I'm not telling you all this for sympathy, but hopefully to prevent anyone else from going as deep into the black hole as I did. There is hope, there are ways to get out, don't ever give up. I put my windows down to hasten my demise, but it turned out to be the way I was saved. Who knew? I love you all with all my heart. Thank you for always being here for me. I promise to always be here for you. Arms around, Susan
Oh, my dearest heart! Bless you for being able to tell us this and for being able to come back to us. We' ve all marvelled at how resilient you've been - and there you were, falling apart. I do hope you can keep coming along and that you can come with us on the cruise. We love you!
All I can say is that I'm so glad you got the help you needed and how brave of you to trust us all with your story. Remember we are all here for each other and even though we are not with you in person we send our love and prayers. I hope you are able to go on the cruise. If anyone needs the respite, it is you. God Bless.
Oh Susan, what can I say.....I am so glad you were a failure at the suicide. Thank you for sharing your story....it may help someone else who is teetering on the brink. God bless you....and big hugs.
Dear Susan, I'm "breathing in and out" and "in and out" and feeling the lyrics. I'm also glad you shared your story and it came at the perfect time for me as I spent much of the day calmly thinking and strategizing along those same lines. My brother in law has a huge gun collection and I was at his house today cleaning and organizing some of the house as a surprise for my sister who is out of town. I'm almost ashamed to admit the thing that held me back was all the legal and paperwork I've yet to finalize and organize. "saved by procrastination" - wouldn't you know even my suicide thoughts become oddly comic.
Thank you Susan. I think when we can share our deepest and darkest thoughts it will help untold others to feel less "alone" as I did before I discovered this site.
ARMS AROUND YOU SWEET SUSAN. Wish I could join you on the cruise but I can't think beyond next week at this point. Hope to keep the option open.
I thank you for sharing your pain. I have a friend who is dealing with depression and will not talk about it. It makes be believe she does not want to deal with it. I think we all need help from time to time as we travel down the road of being a caregiver for someone you love and watch them fade away. I hope they gave you some coping tools that you can use and share with us.
Susan, I think moorsb is right that we all need help. You've had an incredibly difficult time, and I can understand wanting the pain to end. I'm so glad that your attempt to end it didn't succeed. Thank you for being willing to share your experience and feelings. What an incredibly brave and giving thing to do for yourself and for us. We are extremely lucky to have you as a friend. Hope to meet you in person on the cruise!
Oh, Susan!! I am so glad you are back. I have missed you. I just wish I could come on the cruise and meet and put my arms around you in person. For now (((((((((HUGS FOR SUSAN)))))))). Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you!!! JoAn
Susan L-- It is amazing to me that somethings happen as they do, and the timing of them is so perfect. Years ago I skated along the edge of the Abyss. With prodding from a friend, I sought help and avoided falling in--I was lucky. With meds and counseling, I recovered and have the tools to stay that way. However, sometimes circumstances can come together to ambush you from multiple directions and you can lose that control over your emotions, thinking, and outlook. Whether the avalache piles on you slowly or sneaks up on you in a vulnerable moment, you have to reach out for those tools; for friends; for every possible thing that will help get you back on track and stay there. In the last couple days stuff happened here, and I began to slip. I started grabbing my tools; reached out to a friend, and found this Thread from you. They all helped. Mine was a small slip this time, and I'm taking care of it. Thank you for sharing. Everytime we reach out, and respond, we're putting more support out here for anyone who needs it. It is what will get us through.
((Susan)) God this is so hard for me to reply to, Firstly, I am so thankful you are still here!! ((HUGS))
For all those who love you, I am grateful even in your state of mind, you did swim to shore!!
As most of you know, my Dad killed himself last year. My world is still, so shattered. It is soul shredding I can’t talk about it…….. But I will say it is the single hardest thing I have ever had to face. Much Much worse than even the hell of Alzheimer's.....
*Crying ..... I am glad you shared your story, you have much courage!! I welcome you, and any others dealing with these emotions to join me at the online support group that saved my life. http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html It is a forum for survivors of suicide (those loved ones left behind are called survivors of suicide) But many many people post who are where you were, the forum is a safe place, a loving place, and all are welcomed.
A song that I listen too when the darkness blocks out the light. It was written by Gary Allan, who lost his wife to suicide.
you can listen to the music here....http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song...tiful/19137888
Life Ain't Always Beautiful Lyrics
Life ain't always beautiful Sometimes it's just plain hard Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful You think you're on your way And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggle makes you stronger And the changes make you wise And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus] No,life aint always beautiful Tears will fall sometimes Life aint always beautiful But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful Some days I miss your smile I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute I could see your pretty face Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger And the changes make me wise And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful But I know I'll be fine Hey, life aint always beautiful But its a beautiful ride What a beautiful ride
And a link to the video I made about my Dad's suicide...... http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=2266&page=1#Item_9
What an amazing story, Susan, You are an inspiration, your story has made my cry. (My dh is walking around upset because he can't figure out what's the matter; he thinks I'm crying because it's raining and we can't go out on the bikes.)
So glad you came through and are back with us. Don't leave again, we all need you.
Dearest Susan, welcome back to us. Thank God you have come out on the other side of the abyss. You are very brave to share such an personal experience with us. I have no doubt there are folks reading here who will benefit from what you have posted. Arms around big time!
Thank you all for all the stories, hugs, love and support. I'm doing so much better. The hospital was the best. I am now on 300 mg Effexor and surprisingly 100mg of Seroquel for mood stabilization. After a couple days I actually felt my mood lift. Staff discovered while doing 15 minute checks, that I wasn't sleeping well. They adjusted my sleep med and I am finally sleeping deeply through the night! I am still "catching up" on sleep, but wow what a difference! I'm seeing my therapist twice weekly and a new Med Manager, a delightful young PA who is so compassionate. I am so glad that my sharing my story helped some of you. Arms around, Susan
Bless you and thank you for sharing your personal battle; that takes courage. I'm thankful your efforts failed and that you're here for us. Bless the young angel who stopped, too.
Thank you, Susan, for sharing this. It must have been an awful, terrifying time for you. I'm so happy you got the help and care that you needed and pulled through. But, I'm not surprised. That's our Susan! Love and prayers for your continued recuperation.
Dear precious Susan, I am so glad you are still with us in the land of the living. So brave of you to share your story, and I am sure it will help others who get close to that same point. I have thought about you often, and all that you have had to cope with. No doubt overwhelming. Your song was a perfect complement to your experience, having come out alive and well. At first, after reading, I was speechless. It took me awhile to be able to sit down and type. Sending you a big hug and love.
Susan, you had so much happen to you in the past year, and to come here and tell what happened can only help others who may be contemplating the same thing. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I can't wait to meet you in February and give you a hug in person! ((((HUGS)))))
Susan, I just read your story. I'm sorry that you got to that point but so very happy that you are still with us. Know that we all love you and are always here for you.
Susan, indeed we all have our life mapped out by a higher source. i am happy to see you are back on this side of the abyss as well. its so easy to succumb to the overwhelming saddness brought with AD. we all have been worried with all you have been thru lately. take care and wishes for a speedy recovery. divvi
Susan, There is little more I can say beyond what all of your other sisters and " your silly little brother Joe" have said...Your story (stories) have touched my heart and I even said one time that I doubted I could do all you do. You have beenall things to all people in your world, from your mother, to your husband, to your daughter, to your grandchildren,.and you succeeded in all you did. You just forgot about YOURSELF, precious lady,..and I pray now that you will remember that YOU are every bit as important as all the others. I love you for your strength, your grit!, and for having the courage to share your story with all of us. I feel I can speak for all of us in saying that your story will stay with us forever. Please know you can call on any of us, anytime, and we're here for you. Just go to the "Contact Me" post and we'll be waiting there for you 24/7. God bless you.
Thank you all sooooo much for your unending support. I think that "I'm Alive" needs to become Our Theme Song! We'll bring copies on the cruise and sing it OUT LOUD!
Susan, I'm sitting here with big tears in my eyes reading your story. My burdens are nothing compared to yours, and yet after DH's dx, I used to fantasize about driving the car into a tree to avoid what was coming in the future. In time, those feelings passed, as I learned that I could cope. I am so glad that your attempt wasn't a success and the result was your getting the help you needed.
Susan, I just read your story, it brougt tears to my eyes...Thank God you are back, getting all the right help, you are here because you are needed and loved by so many. When our son, who had ALS, told his sister, that he had in mind to commit suicide, my daughter told him " is this the legacey you want to leave?" he never spoke of it again. You are very brave and honest to tell us of the nightmare that you went through, I know it will help many of us to think twice..God Bless you and your family...Hugs and more Hugs...Rosalie
Susan--How brave you are to share your story. I truly admire your courage. Only time will tell how many people you touched today. We may never know, but God will know. Blessings! and hugs, too. XOXOXOXOXOXO
Has anyone noticed how many documented thoughts of suicide/attempted suicide and/or including your spouse are on this site ?
Alzheimers, FTD and related dementias have are far more serious outcomes than the general public ever knew. The long reaching effect that it has on the spouse seems to be so much more detrimental than other illnesses that effect loved ones. Is it of epidemic porportions and needs to be addressed immediately ?
Susan, I'm glad you lived to tell your story. Sharing with others can be therapeutic for all of us.
Jan, I am soooo very blessed to be here to share my story with all of you. All of you mean so much to me. I never never thought about what it would do to all of those who love and care for me. I was in such a dark place. It was not my time, Evidently I have more to do. I guess being the "ultimate" caregiver comes with a longer life span, lol! I was not quite sure how everyone would react, but I took a leap of faith and I was reward time and time again with all the love and support a girl could ask for. I hope that my horrible night will continue to open the lines of communication on a subject that is all too often not discussed. Arms around you all, Susan
OK I'm starting to have a tough time, so I'm reaching out to you all for strength. I'm having flashbacks, not sleeping well, again, and feeling dazed and confused, seriously. My therapist and my Med PA are both quite concerned and wanted me to go into respite today, but they are full. My Seroquel has been temporarily increased and Im starting on a Beta Blocker that is now being used to break the cyclic thinking that goes with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I've got Sally's cell phone (PA) and Dianne 's (therapist) will be calling me daily, keeping a check. Mom was called into the mtg with Sally and after a while came around to understanding how tough I'm feeling and how I feel like I'm slipping. I just can't wrap my mind around how to continue while losing Jim. He is physically slipping and it is so flippin sad to see. It won't be long before I won't be able to take him out. He is slipping a bit mentally too. Autumn and going out to lunch are about the only things that bring him pleasure. God, how he loves that puppy. He keeps a bowl, toys and pee pad in his room for her. Any rushing water causes me flashbacks, just emptying the dish pan is painful. I'm also waking up at night feeling so scared. I didn't realize it by I've been talking in a loop, repeating the same stories. I'm scared, I don't know how to find the strength to keep up this pace. Friday is Lewiston to see Mom's surgeon, and Monday I have to go to Portland to bring Dylan to Bridge Crossing. I just want to go to bed. Please Pray, love you all soo much.
PS: Just got a call from Jim (very rare) he was talked into going on an outing by the Activities Director. She took a group to Arby's for lunch and to the Dollar Store. He bought the boys some stocking stuffers and a toy for the dog, of course ;0)
Susan, please get some rest. You have come through so much, you can pull through now, It sounds like you have a good support team in place. I'm glad your mother understands better, that is a blessing. Do you have enough help with the children?
Count your blessings -- so many good people around you and so many here on this site that care about you. We are all sending thoughts and prayers. Please have a restful weekend and take it one day at a time. Keep posting!
Oh, Susan, I had so hoped things would be better for you. I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time, but I can understand why. You have been through so very much. I can't give you any advice, but just know I/we are here to help see you through this. The rope is still in place for you, with lots of knots to hang onto. Susan, my prayer is for peace to come to you - soon! Love you much, Girl.
Come on Susan, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time, breathe, just keep breathing. We are here for you -- you've got a cruise to go on in February -- hold on to those knots in the rope.
Susan, please feel all the caring, love, and prayers coming to you from each of us. You are very important to us!!! Please, like stated above, get some rest. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Wish I could give them in person or know what I could do to help you during this trying time.
Susan, some of us take one day at a time, like me. There are others who take longer, and even others who take shorter periods of time to get by. Maybe you need to take one hour at a time for now. Please check with your doctor and get your meds regulated better. You can get through this! We have our cruise in February as Weejun said, and you will be there!!!
You need to do something EACH DAY for SUSAN. Try to spend that time NOT thinking about anybody else but SUSAN. Turn your worries and problems over to someone (or picture them on the couch and put a pillow on top of them to shut them out for a while). I also wish we were close enough to you to reach out and give you a hug.
Please hang in there. You have a lot of people who need you and love you. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
Waiting on a call from the Intensive Outpatient Program at St Mary's. The intake worker is calling Sally (my PA who manages my meds) and Dianne (my therapist).
I just got a call from the IOP and I have been accepted. I start Monday for a month, 11;00 to 4, Monday - Friday. I will have an hour break for lunch, so I can see Jim and he can come on Wed which is Family Day. Dee will go to Hakki-Sac, the after school program and I will pick him up on my way home. The program lasts a month and is across the street from Jim's NH. So it's set, I just need to find a way to coast through the weekend.