It has been so long since I have been on this site and I really missed it more than I thought I would. I need the support so I hope I never go this long again without logging on. It does make a big difference.
Anyway, my question is...How do I know when I am asking my husband to have sex with me if I am not taking his feeling into consideration and maybe he really doesn't want to do it. He never has really been that interested in the 13 years that we have been married and I always have to be the one to ask for it but now that his dementia is getting worse should I just quit having it? We only have sex once a month now as it is I am kind of embarassed to ask this but has it become an issue with anyone else. Most of the spouses I hear from here say that their husband can't take their hands off them and etc etc etc. I am happy for them even though I don't think they are happy for themselves because it seems to be inappropriate advances. I am concerned about his well being and would not want to ask him to do anything that he doesn't want to do. Do you have any suggestions?
Hi Deb Good to see you back. I'm not sure but it seems people with ad or dementia resist doing things they really don"t want to do. (ex. bathing) My husband is sweet and very docile but if he dosen't want to go where I lead he can suddenly weigh 3,000 lbs. If your hubby is responsive and enjoys the intimacy, why not? You said you've always been the initiator so nothing has really changed. If you feel you are taking advantage of or forcing him that would be different. Joan ran a good article on ad and consentual sex not too long ago. Maybe you can find it. Hope this helps but again it's only my opinion. xox cs
Glad to have you back. Every relationship is different, but one partner is usually able to tell if the other partner is just doing it to be cooperative, rather than doing it for pleasure and enjoyment. Only you can tell which it is when you do have sex with your husband. If you feel he is not really "into it", and is just going through the motions, then I would say it is up to you whether to just stop having it.
For me, and I can only speak for myself, if I do not have a willing, enthusiastic partner, then there's no enjoyment in it for me, so I would rather not.
I agree with you too joang, I have had to deal with his not really being interested in sex for a long time and I guess I have just closed my eyes to it because I didn't have any other choice. It is not like I am going to have an affair or divorce him or anything llike that so I just lived with it that way and so I think that is why I am having trouble now knowing the difference, if any. Thank you for welcoming me back. My DH is starting to get a little worse and I am looking into home health care now and it is kind of stressing me out. Not so much the arranging of the home health care as much as the fact that I thought I would have some more time before I had to do that. But I guess not !
Deb, as time goes by and we become more and more the caregiver and not the wife, the desire to have sex is just gone. They behave like little children. We wipe their bottoms, clean food off their chins, bathe them and dress them.
Somewhere along the way, that love toward our former husbands turns into a maternal love and replaces what used to be a romantic love. When that happens, the desire to have sex with them simply goes away. This may not be the case for everyone, but it is for many of us. There comes a day when we realize that the person we married isn't here anymore. This person isn't him. He died. When? We'll never know for sure. I believe I lost my husband around January 13, 2008. He broke his hip the day before and had surgery to implant a new joint in its place. From the minute he woke up from the anesthesia, he has never been the same again. I just looked over at him, and even his face is different. Mostly, it's his eyes. Those eyes are not his beautiful eyes I remember. The eyes in his face could be those of a blind man. Dim, flat, expressionless. No, that is not the man I married. Consequently, I have no desire to have sex with him. It wouldn't be the same.
DEB...Joan and NanceB give great advice. From the male perspective, I found that I develop headaches at the mere thought of having sex...Not tonight, Honey, you have a headache.....
We have been married for almost 29 years. For most of that time, we had a healthy sex life. Not the once a week kind, the sometimes once a week and sometiimes several times a day and occassionally once a month. We promised never to just have sex because that was something we were supposed to do. For awhile about 2 or so years ago, he wanted to and I really didn't because he wasn't really him. The last time we made love he really wanted to because he wanted to know he could. We did and I am glad, but he hasn't expressed any interest in making love for around a year. I miss what we had but it is just like miss so many things about our lives together, our relationship, us.
Back to the question, if he can and you want to, I recommend doing it while you want to and you can.
Nancy B that was so nicely worded. Your knack for making your post so easy to read is a blessing. That is one of the reasons I love this site. It feels comfortable, and the discussions are so informative.
Nancy B - Thank you so much. I think this subject was buried somewhere in the back of my heart. Haven't thought about it for a long time. But you hit home. My DH and I had a wonderful sex life. We were truly lovers. However, our relationship has completely changed, and this dreaded AD has robbed us of all intimacy. We are now caregiver and caretaker.
Because there is love and beautiful memories, I am able to unselfishly devote myself to seeing that all his needs are met. But oh, just to have those days back again. To be able to look into those eyes and see love reflected back at me. Now there is just that stare that makes you wonder ... are you really in there? ... and what are you thinking? ... and do you remember.............
My husband has had ED for years now -started around 40 and nothing helped. If memory serves me right, ED is common in many AD spouses. You are blessed that he has been able to do it this long.
Hi Deb, I don’t know a lot about the woman’s side, but speaking from the guy’s side (which I do know a little about) I don’t want the woman to ask. I want her to get the ball rolling. I know that I liked it when Kathryn was playfully aggressive. It excited me, and even I wasn’t in the mod, I soon was. I think most guys would feel the same way. Seems like you ladies have it made because we guys are easy. You walk into the room and we are pretty much ready. It only takes a little encouragement on your part to get our fires going. I know it always worked with me.
How well it would work with your husband under these conditions I am not sure but I think it is worth a try. Good luck. I hope it works for you.
JeanetteB, it never worked with me. I always felt like I wasn't good enough to "turn him on" I really don't think he ever wanted it. He just did it because I wanted to and I always hated that but I didn't know what else to do about it. If I was going to have any simblance of a love life that was going to have to be the way it was.
PatL, I get that empty stare a lot of the time and sometimes to make light of it I just look at him for a few minutes and then I say "You talk to much, quit talking so much!" I know what you mean though, it looks like he is not even there. I have wondered what he was thinking about and sometimes I ask him and he might say "nothing"and sometimes he says "I don't know"
NancyB, thank you so much! I just got done telling a friend of mine here who is a caregiver of her husband in a wheelchair becuase of polio that I sometimes feel that I am trying to have sex with a child(my DH) that's yucky!!! I spend the day taking care of him and doing just about everything for him but walk and I can totally see how that eventually I would not even have a desire to have sex with him. I think I am pretty close to that now. I guess I was wanting to know if it would hurt him either physically or mentally to have sex at this stage of the game(no pun intended)
We have only been married 10 yr. I feel like the mommy so while I let him cuddle, which involves rubbing and touching 'privates' and breasts, I read a book while he does this. And he does not even care about that. It sounds bizarre. I am able to participate at some level by pretending to 'come' for his benefit. Due to ED issues 'normal' intercourse had only been with cialis for some time and that quit working for him even though he is on NO meds at all. He's happy, and I set the time limit, which he does not mind as long as he can 'cuddle' some. So whatever works for you. Once in awhile he asks me to pleasure him, and I pretend to want to. IF we are lucky he is able then occasionally to get an erection and he knows what to do with it and that I appreciate it. Sometimes even for as long as a minute I can 'be the wife' again. I think each couple needs to figure out what works for them. If we had not had such an active sex life before, I think there would be nothing. But HE is the one who taught me how to 'help myself' and be OK with that...a skill I now find useful. Upon some reflection, I think the reading while cuddling takes my mind of the 'yucky' part and at some level he is 'my husband' yet.
NancyB, I agree with what you said about the desire to have sex with with our spouses simply going away and why. Well put and I understand the part about feeling like your spouse is a child completely. I no longer make advances to Kathryn. Not that I wouldn’t like to have sex with her again. I would and like most I miss it. The problem is I feel like I would be taking advantage of her innocence the same way as if she were a child. Because, mentally that is where she is most of the time and because of that while I miss the sex we did have together, and would enjoy that sexual relationship but again I have no desire to have sex with the person she has become and I don't mean that in a bad way. It hasn’t lessened my love for Kathryn; I do still love her and always will. I just love her in a different way now.