After having read the postings on the message boards for a very long time, it is time for me to join all of you in this seemingly never ending journey. It finally hit me, at age 64, that I may have 20-25 years left and most likely I will be alone. My DH has FTD and required institutionalization over a year ago. We married 11 years ago and within 3 years the signs of something being very wrong became evident. I have already been through the many unexplainable changes, the rages, the seperation and the angry stepchildren that he was placed closer to them than me. This was the only way that they could retain contact with him, as I live 100 miles from the facility. I visit at least weekly, take him for drives and bring him home for short visits. After his last visit I found the hand held lighter (charcoal lighter) under a stack of towels in his bathroom. He is safer and seems to be happier in the ALF than being at home. So now I realize the visits home are close to being over, and I ramble around at night, unable to sleep, times of being scared as I am somewhat isolated and when I thought that this could be the way of my life for many years to come, well, its almost unbearable. I have always had a busy life, filled with family and activities, but now they are out on thier own and stay busy with work, school activities, children, and a multitude of other things going on in thier lives.
I'm active in church and this helps. I didn't mean for this to sound like a pity party, but it is a reality for me and most of you. How do you deal with this? I've done the one day at a time for several years now without giving much thought to the future. You can fill up your day with different things, but at night, what do you do? Just knowing you're alone and it's probably not going to change any time soon.

Jan1945,

Welcome to my website. Since you have been reading for a long time, you know that this is a place where spouses understand each other's unique problems. I do hope you have taken advantage of all the resources on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - If your husband is around your age, then he falls into the EOAD category. Even though he has FTD, and not AD, he still got it early, so you may find relative information in the EOAD sections on the left side of the website.

From what you have written, it sounds like my "At a Crossroad" blog - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Crossroad.htm and my "Caregiver Power" blog -http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Caregiverpower.htm are addressed specifically for you. You CAN HAVE A LIFE - please read those blogs and start on a new life for yourself.

I hope you will take advantage of all of the website's resources and please post often.

joang

Welcome, Jan! Have some welcome hugs! (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Once again, Phranque, you have hit the nail on the head. I'm with him all the time but he's not there. And I also feel alone. However, after last night, I know that I'm going to be even more alone. When I rolled over, I would swear he had died. He was cold and it looked like he was not breathing. However, I shook him, and he took a breath, and muttered. I sighed a sigh of relief, and settled back down. Now I know that one of these days, he won't wake up.

Welcome, Jan. You have found a wonderful, supportive website here.

Jan1945 - I worried about my future and being alone as much as anyone. Like so many, this would be the first time in my adult life when I was the only one to answer the census for my address. It felt strange to make adjustments to that. Now, after over a year of being a widow (seems like such a sad term) I feel pretty good about life in general. I am a planner - figured out my finances so I could live to 100 without having to become a greeter at Wal-Mart when I turned 95. There are advantages to everything - even being alone. It is the first time in my entire life that I can be 100% selfish and do exactly what I want (as long as that doesn't include diamonds and a Mercedes, of course). I can get up in the middle of the night and work on a jigsaw puzzle if I want, eat dinner for breakfast, say yes to what I want to do and no to the things of no interest. A goal is to be healthy and stay in shape and learn to play one piece on my keyboard without a mistake. Believe me, the healthy and staying in shape are easier than that darn piano! I think the trick to all of life is to appreciate the good in each day and to let tomorrow pretty much take care of itself.

Fran, how nice to hear from you. I am so happy to read that you are moving on and enjoying life. More of us need to let people know that life after losing one's spouse does not have to be a sad or unhappy existence. That doesn't mean we don't miss our "old" life, but I am loving life now. I agree with all you said...having some independence is a good thing....or at least to my way of thinking.

Being a "merry widow" is not a derogatory term...I think it really describes me......!