Kandee when my husband went through a nasty stage, not too unsimilar to what you are experiencing, there was one point where he gave me the silent treatment.
I decided it was OK that he wasn't talking to me. As long as he wasn't talking to me he wasn't saying bad things. I REALLY meant that. It wasn't just OK. It was just fine. I just sat there in the same room, knitting, or reading or watching TV and didn't talk to him either. No reason to set him off.
And guess what? It worked. Since not talking to me wasn't making me mad or upset, he had to give it up as a strategy.
nancy, I've got nothing practical to offer you. But I wanted you to know that I read what you wrote. I heard you. And you aren't alone.
So many of us have gone through the experience of the LO convincing family and even doctors that they are NOT the one with the problem that I'm beginning to believe that it is almost a standard part of the disease. There comes a point where they get so sick that they can't manage it anymore. At some point his kids really will "get it." And the sex thing does stop after a while.
The thing is that in the car yesterday he told me something that he did before we were married that really horrified me and not sure if he was being honest or it actually happened. I don't like it when he grills me about by past relationship and I don't ask him. This just came out of the blue. It is hard for me to accept and maybe that is why I am so turned off by him today. I have to do this divorce thing or the separation. I am a homebody and like my house and animals and living in the country. I like to quilt and belong to a senior quilt group which is a lifesend. He has even resented that but I still go. I just don't get any sewing done at home. He has driven most of his friends away and even his twin brother doesn't keep in contact that much. I know his twin brother believes he has a problem. He use to have a fishing friend and we did things together and I liked his wife but my husband got mad at him one day because his friend was helping him rewire a car and it caught on fire. My husband got mad and told him to get out and never come back. He drives my friends away. I refuse to go fishing with him alone out on Lake Erie.
I finally went to check on my husband in the garage he was asleep. He came in the house & went to sleep in his recliner around 1:00 & has been asleep every since. Hopefully, he will wake up in a better mood.
Kadee, once in awhile I get that bit "my car" or "my house". It really makes my hair stand on end. Funny that we were there when those things were purchased and our names are on the titles. Right?
nancy, he is doing the isolation thing. My husband did that too. Don't let him isolate you totally. That is very important.
He isn't doing social things because he no longer can manage it, so he chases all of his old friends away. That, also, is typical. Do social things on your own with other women.
The story telling, where you can't tell if it is true or not is called confabulation. They all do some of it. And we have no idea where they get this stuff.
Look for a link to UNDERSTANDING THE DEMENTIA EXPERIENCE on Joan's Blog page about half way down on the left. It is written by a Canadian social worker and is easily the best explanation of what is going on I've ever seen. You can save it to your own computer and read it a little at a time so it doesn't overwhelm you. I did it that way. I'd get one or two pages down and need to go off and journal so I could digest it all. She explains most of the things your husband is doing.
Well, husband got my attention a while ago. Front and Center. Came in and said "you know the middle drawer of my dresser where I keep my candy? IT IS FULL OF LITTLE RED BUGS ALL OVER EVERYTHING."
I made it in there double time and said "where, show me????". Opened the drawer and there were chocolate crumbs in the drawer and he thought they were little red bugs. He has pulled similar stunts before claiming, bugs, etc. I think his eyes play tricks on him.
Last Wednesday evening, we put our garbage can and recycle can out in front. The guy generally comes qute early Thursday morning. We were gone for a while. When we got back, they'd been emptied and DH put them away. A little while later he looked out there and of course the containers were gone. He got quite upset because someone had stolen his good garbage can and the recycle can. I had to show him that they were where they belonged before he settled down. Then hye acted kind of embarrassed. That's got to be so dificult for him. If it were me, I'd feel really bad and maybe ashamed. This disease is really sad. I wish it would go away. But, I know I'm not the only one and I also know it won't happen anytime soon.
I think we are failing here..last night I fixed G a baked potato ( his fav) for dinner..he looked at it and asked what he was supposed to do with it! Very nice, but had zero clue how to put things on and eat it! Broke my heart. I am spending lots of time at night "talking" with the wait folk on the cruise ship about seating placement. Can we hold it together until November? He is trying as hard as I am praying.
kathi, I've had that experience too. How do you fix a taco? What do you do with [fill in the blank]? Just a total surprise. If it is something we haven't eaten in a while, I no longer can take it for granted that he will figure it out.
Can't order fajitas for him at the Mexican restaurant anymore. And he used to love them. Etc., etc., etc.
Is this a phase in and out thing? I was so surprised...too bloody soon! My thoughts slant towards being honest with the Maitre D (sp?) and try for the same table nightly on the ship.I'm overthinking this already. Someone said something about being too controlling?
Kathi37, yes, sometimes my husband will pick up a fork to eat soup, and the next time be perfectly fine...sometimes he will try to use a straw in his coffee cup, and if I see him start to pick up a straw, I "help" him open it and place it is his glass. I've learned to not care what a waiter or anyone else thinks about me being too controlling...what matters more is protecting my husband's pride at this point. I won't be seeing those people after a week from now! <grin>
We all have to vent and I'm so glad that all of you have shared here with us!
Some husbands (not mine) have accused the spouse of stealing their money. I don't know why so many who have AD are so overly concerned about their money, when they should be more concerned about us since we are the ones they are depending on to take care of them when they can't take care of themselves!
The money thing must be because that is one of the things they can concieve of as being within grasp. Other concepts being too complex for them to grasp. My husband asked to see our bank statements and investments last week. I gave him one 6 months old before I made some changes and he looked at them a couple times and finally returned them without and questions.
Kathi37....You should be able to choose a private table for two or a group table for eight or ten. My preference, were I able to go would be at a table for 8 or 10 including other people of the Caregivers Group and early seating. You will be amoung familar faces and with others with similar situations to you. Plus, you have friends to share with. (I wish I were going)
Mary, Thanks but husband is no longer able to travel more than an hour at the most. I had hopes of travel the last couple of years while Mom was still living but now it is too late for us as a couple and going alone is also not an option.
Sometimes B. eats a piece of bread with a fork (sigh)...
lmohr, re: the little red bugs...when we were at Mayo I watched as the dr. did some visual spatial tests on B. in a closeup picture of a flower with a little frog on the side---he saw the frog as a leaf. Visually complex things are hard for them to sort through...it's part of the wire-scrambling. Gave me some insight though to how difficult everything is for him. No wonder he sometimes takes my fork instead of his...
What a weekend of ups & downs. This morning my husband was back to his normal self, the dementia devil was gone. We went to the grocery store came home ate lunch everything was fine. Then Wham! for some reason he looked into his closet & thinks there are too many clothes in there. This is the 3 time we have had this rant recently. That went on to me thinking I was smarter than him, selfish, and some mixed up words. He then stormed to the garage, came back in to tell me that car was never to move again. I finally told him, I was not going to listen to him anymore. I actually went into a closet to sit, praying this mood would end. I heard him come into the house & back out. Then about 10 minutes later I heard him call my name (he hasn't used my name for some time) I wasn't going to go see what he wanted, however, I did. He was asking me if he could apologize, he was sorry for hurting my feelings. Wanted to know if I still loved him. And telling me how stupid he was, as I always tell him the only time he is stupid is when he is saying he is. I know there will be a next time, however, it is nice to have peace at least for the time being.
lmohr.. this isn't the Caregiver's cruise..It is an Oceania transatlantic one we signed up for a year ago..Barcelona to Miami with stops here and there (but not too many). We have been on an identical ship a couple of times before, so he will be familiar with the layout (said she hopefully).
Wow. That sounds like a really fun trip. We have never did one that long. I think 8 days were the longest ones we did. Have a great time. I hope you have a balcony. We had a balcony on our last 2 cruises and it spoiled me. Paul didn't like to sit on deck or socialize so we spent a good bit of time in our cabin. Think the early Alz. was going on even then.
Our last two times we had a penthouse suite..very fancy with a butler to boot...but were too late this time..on the wait list, but not much chance. It is quite a bit larger..G can't deal with small spaces very well..both have very nice balconys. Great cruise ship with only 600+ people. This trip has Jacques Pepin on board as food consultant and demo guy..I love him and am thrilled to be able to actually see his demos. i am a true foodie..teacher, cook etc., so that is why I am keeping all my appendages crossed for this to work okay.
Oh, my that sounds great. The larger place will help you. (It would help me because I am a tad claustrofobic) One of the first cruises we were on I booked an inside cabin, for financial reasons, and I couldn't tell night from day. Once was enough to do that.
kathi37, does your Cruise Ship provide assistance at boarding and disembarking time to speed things up and make if easier for you to deal with husband? That issue was a biggie for us and downright impossible now. Perhaps a Penthouse suite gives you that luxury.
Imohr, on our last cruse we had one of the small suites with a balcony. Nothing special since on that ship more than half of the rooms come with a balcony. Once they knew my husband had a pacemaker they pushed us into the special lane and we were on the ship quickly. If I had realized I'd have told them earlier both about him, and that I can't stand up very long without pain. It would have been even faster.
We aren't doing any more travelling but if I ever do any on my own, I'm going to ask for a wheelchair for me (the standing up and walking long distances thing won't work for me anymore) and special boarding. Once you need help, and if you ask for it, mostly you can get it. Cruises especially tend to be aware that there might be problems since they serve an older population more than the general population. They have seen everything.
Mawzy, the garbage can thing happened to us about 4 months ago. I came home for lunch and thanked him for taking the garbage can in from the curb. he told me that he hadn't been out and someone must have stole it. I told him that may be our son came over and put it in. He said that are son hadn't been there. I told him that I would go look in the garage. It was in its place in the garage. He told me that I must have put it in there because he sure didn't do it.
This weekend, he had me call several places to locate a propane camp stove to replace ours. I told him after I had gotten off of the phone with each. A little while later, he asked me when I was going to call such and such. I told him that I already had. He said that it would have been nice if I had told him because he was wondering what they had said. Later, he saw my note on the counter about the calls. He asked me what the $69.95 meant. I told him that it was the price of the camp stove at such and such place. He acted again like it was the first time he had heard about it.
I was having conversations like that with my husband years and years before his major EVENT. I now realize that even before his event there were dementia symptoms, and his insisting that I had never told him about things, which was a constant refrain, were part of his earlier dementia stages.
Although my husband was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia, he almost certainly has Alzheimer's too. That is not unusual. It also isn't all that unusual for FTD patients to have Alzheimer's as well as FTD. It is what makes getting a diagnosis so difficult.
Thank you for your comments. I was a bit overwhelmed this weekend by it all. He is still trying so hard to stay normal and it is making him tired. We also are dealing with our brand of sundowning. He get so tired by 6:00 p.m. then by 8:00 is ranting or agitated about something. Then wants to go to bed by 8:30 p.m. but won't actually do it. the ranting usually continues until he actually go to bed. By then, he is angry with me for not letting him go to bed at 8:30 p.m. What a vicious cycle. This happens every Sunday night. He is still working out of town and gets to bed earlier there.
I think my husband has both FTD & Alzheimer's. Even though the test only confirm FTD, I think he has more symptoms of Alzheimer's than FTD. Even though he was mean & hurtful this weekend.
I talked to his older daughter, just a year older, last night. She said she told her little sister off about what she has been doing to me. She told her that she should remember how he treated their mom and they would still be together if it wasn't for his meaness. They were married 30 years and she had to move over 1000 miles away to get away from him. The older daughter had received a legal letter about giving guardianship to her younger sister. HIs daughter can have it but I don't think she knows what she is doing. He's here and I'll take care of him but if he gets mean again and I can't handle it, he'll have to leave. Where,? I don't know and that is the problem. I called his dr. today to get him back on the Risperdal. I'm hoping it will slow down the sexual desires which is 24/7. When I told the girl at Dr.'s office about it, she said she really feels sorry for me and she would tell the Dr. My husband told me I could go visit my sister in N. Car. for a couple weeks. I'm trying to make arrangements for someone to check on him or stay with him. I know he'll be calling me several times a day to ask where is this and that.
His dr. just told me that I can't manage medical problems since she has POA. Thank goodness he already had a script for Risperdal and he said it should help hypersexuality. That just isn't fair when I am the one that is caring for him and always have. That's why I filed for divorce. Nancy
Is it time for the full moon yet? What's going on? I told you we got a little black kitten (named him Noche`-Spanish for night). Did this AFTER much discussion, pros and cons between kitten or puppy. Everything was fine. After I brought the kitten home, he got sore and said I'd gone over his head and didn't ask his opinion on anything anymore and he might as well not even have a wife since I didn't care anything about him, etc. etc.
Next morning, he loves the kitten. Helped me go online to pick out a name. Played with him. Talked to him. etc.
Today, Noche` is pooped out. He's really sleepy (he's only 13 weeks old) and doesnt' want to play. So, DH now has the idea that the kitten doesn't like him and only likes me. And what did he do and, OMG. Finally had do get firm and impressed on DH that the poor baby was just worn out and he'll probably come alive just about bed time. All is well. No problems now.
With his full knowledge and concent, I sold his pickup this morning for full price. The guy gave me a ceritified check and WE BOTH signed the title over. In the meantime, while I was working with this guy, he removed the insurance and registration from the pickup. The guy wanted the registration until he got new title. DH had no idea where it was. We still haven't found it. I just wrote out a bill of sale w/the VIN number and all is well. But that's the kind of stuff that happens around here. He walked the guy out to the pick up, explained a couple of things and waved good buy. ONE HOUR LATER--I Swear!!! He came in all excited--someone had stolen his pickup.
OK, now I've vented. I feel sooooo much better. Thanks for listening. I know it itn't anything you folks haven't gone through before, but....well, thanks, again for listening.
ps--the vet said the little kitten was in great shape. Had fleas and ear mites which are now taken care of. Life is good. :::)))
Mawzy, I know what you're going thru about the truck. I finally got J. to sell ours a year ago. Sometimes when he looks out at that empty driveway, he wants to know where the truck is. I'm just glad nobody near us bought it. If he saw it, it might be pretty embarassing.
Well, step-daughter spent the day with him and took him out to lunch. She informed me that she didn't think he was bad, he doesn't like chicken soup or cheesesteak sandwich and I should take an old toothbrush and clean his ring. Too bad she doesn't know those are his two favorite foods. Also too bad that she hasn't seen him when he tries to shave with toothpaste all over his face. Also too bad that she doesn't hear about "those kids" who are going to steal his money at night. The cleaning the ring was what really flipped me out. Like that's all I have to worry about.
Here I go again venting. I just received an e-mail from my friend. Telling me what a busy Saturday, Granddaughter's soccer game, Fall Festival, Wedding & a Car Show & how she hated whe she was so busy. Well, I wanted say, she was choosing to attend the Fall Festival, Wedding & Car Show. I guess I am being petty, however, I don't want to know about the things I would have done if not in the situation that I am in. If that's bad, I am bad. Sorry! just venting, feeling sorry for myself.
Kadee - You deserve your own "pity party" just like the rest of us. I am missing grandchildren's ball games. I took him last week in a transport chair (he wouldn't use it until we got in the gym and then sat in it.) He spent 20 min. in the men's room (walked) and complained about no help there and also commented he had a "blow-out". Don't even want to think about what that meant.
Don't know if we will try another game or not. He does love to watch them play basketball.
I'm venting again! DH was complaining for a few days about having to wipe his rear end whenever he went to the toilet. It wasn't enough of a BM to go into his underwear but enough for him to go on about it. He took 3 Immodium for three days and guess what....yesterday he started complaining he couldn't go the bathroom!!!!! He asked if we had any laxative and I knew we didn't have any where we keep the Tylenol etc. As usual with most OTC's there was some under the sink in his bathroom. He took 2 of them and about 2 hours later he took 2 more and guess what? He ended up spending half the night in the bathroom. This morning his toilet is blocked and I have spent most of the time plunging like an idiot, using a wire coat hanger and trying hot water. Finally went to Home Depot and bought and augur that hasn't worked either. I have given up until either tonight or tomorrow. DH said to call the plumber and I told him I am not paying $80.00 for a service call plus whatever it will cost plus him being a big shot and wanting to give a tip like the last 2 times.
Like I posted earlier when I joined spouse I don't think I am going to make it being a caregiver. I don't have the patience so many of you have and sometimes I am not sure I even like my husband. He has never been handy so I can't depend on him when things go wrong and I am tired of being the one to take care of EVERYTHING. I want off this "merry go round."
Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe I will feel better in a while. Lord I hope so!
Jean21, Sounds like it is time to lock up the OTC meds. My DH started to incorrectly take pills from his 7-day container and I stopped putting out more than one day. Then, he had some side effects and we weaned him off a med (per dr.), he took an extra from the evening one, feeling that it was the weaning that caused the problem.
I couldn't believe how fast he moved! We also had some issues with the Imodium. I have a locked tool box in my kitchen pantry and everything is now locked up.
Good luck with the toilet. Just keep plunging. Make sure you don't lift the plunger up between "pushes".
Don't feel like you are the only one..I'm right there with you as a guestionable caregiver, and G isn't that bad yet. I feel my temperature rising with every repeated question and nonsense answer. Yell all you want...I'll join you!
Jean21, if I didn't work full time, I couldn't be a good caregiver either! I can handle the mornings, evernings, and weekends, but that is all. This holiday with company staying with us pushed me to my limit. It will take him days to get back to his "normal" if we can survive it! I locked up all medications over a year ago. My problem is he flushes trash down the toilet and stops it up! On Saturday it took 8 times of plunging to finally get it upstopped. I gave up after 6 and did something else and went back an hour later, and two more opened it up. Like you, I don't want to have to pay a plumber!
Keeping the depends (really they are Walmart's Assurance, but depends is easier to type!) on him during the night is driving me crazy! He keeps taking them off during the night. When I wake up, we put them back on him. This morning (after two times of putting them back on) when I woke up, he had his undershirt and his short sleeve shirt on and his houseshoes....with a towel wrapped around his waist so he wouldn't show his bare rear!!! I had hidden all of his underwear and replace them with depends in his drawer, and he didn't want to wear them. BUT HE DID!!! I told him if he didn't wear them, he couldn't go on the cruise, and he wants to go on the cruise! It's like dealing with a 2 year old! AAARRRRRGGGG!!!!
I read a hint the other day you might try for your toilet. Squirt a large squirt of dishwashing liquid in the bowl and let it set about 15 minutes and then flush. You might try it. Once a couple years ago I used something from the Hardware Store in a red container with a lot of warnings on it. I think it was Hot something and it worked.
Thankyou to the ladies that replied especially Kathi37 I felt like I was the only one who couldn't handle this "stuff." I know DH has gotten worse the past month and I know it will get even worse which is what scares the you know what out of me. It seems like he is incapable of being quiet anymore. He is either talking nonsense or making noises and that is getting on my nerves. I want to yell at him to shut up at least for a few minutes.
One big problem is his memory that he thinks is okay. I mentioned to him lastnight that his memory was bad and he said it wasn't that bad he just doesn't pay attention to a lot of things!!!! Why does he go to the pantry for something that is in the linen closet and vice versa or walks around like he is trying to think of what he wants to do. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Our toilet does the same ^&*$# thing. Both of them. I'm plunging one of them every day--ARGHH. Please! Do go ahead and vent. It makes ME feel so much better because then I know that I'm not the only one. :)
Hi Jean, I am also sorry you are having such a troubling day. Dementia seems much worse when we have other things to deal with. I never thought I would be able to handle being a caregiver....somedays, I would like to run away. I don't know if you are on any stress medication, however, I found after I gave in & ask my doctor for something mild, just to take the edge off. I am able to handle things better.
My dr. gave me a prescription for a daily magic stress reducers. Makes all the difference in the world. I can plunge that toilet with the best of 'em and not get riled up (too much:)
My DH has a history of "plugging the toilet" and I thought building a new house would solve the problem. Not. Before we even moved in, the toilet in the MB was plugged and we couldn't unplug it. i had the contractor remove the commode and put in one of those new ones that will flush golf balls and that was the best investment I ever made. Gave the old one to daughter for her powder room. Lately DH has been using the one in the other bath and stopping it up and I try to steer him to the MB. If this continues I am going to replace the second toilet with one of the better flushing models and pass the old one to daughter. I think most of the trouble stems from the water-saving feature required by the government.
Dont think for a minute that those of us who have been going about the yrs of caregiving have things under control. there are many days just like the rest of you that i scream bloody %&#+ murder at my DH and feel the whole house is crumbling on top of me. those days i dont feel as if i can contribute much in benefit of others so i usually dont say much about it. i like to stay positive if i can for the sake of others, but you know there just are those days that I am not in a working mode ie-caregiver mode and anything can set me off! saints we are not by a long shot-nor want to be one!.just a survivor like everyone else or trying to be. i rant with the best of you and feel guilty later and apologize to DH for everything i didnt do right and he smiles and forgives me everytime. i guess this is when i see again its not his fault he is sick and pull it together somehow-. when my overflow button on patience is full i hit the roof just like all of you. the caregiver 'role' you are thinking you cant do -well you are already doing it everyday- you come here to post about how your day is going and console others who are having a hard time dealing with the same issues. some days will be better than others and some days you will throw in the towel and wish you could take the first exit out. maybe even feet first at times!:) none of us here have entered the role willingly or thinking we are cut out for it. i came into it kicking and screaming hoping it would make things different. the only thing different now is i have accepted that nothing is going to be like it used to be- like it or not. Divvi
Agree with you Divvi, in spades. I used to like to read Oz books when I was a kid, and the Alice in Wonderland ones. Things were always turned topsy-turvy there. So maybe I can see the humor in some of the nonsense we put up with - we MUST put up with. Obviously if we were on our own, had never married, we would not have been depending on someone else to do the chores, the checkbook, etc. Just THINK of what it must be like for someone who is single to be dealing with AZ on their own!! But also think of all those who are dealing with simply being old and alone. So I can put up with a good bit. DOesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean I don't get infuriated, simply that what is, is.
It wasn't so much the toilet being plugged up it was how it got that way with DH medicating himself with Immodium and then taking the laxative more than he should have. He never reads anything and thinks he knows what he is doing.
On a brighter note the toilet is now unplugged. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I used the plunger again and then the augur. I might also have taken it better if I hadn't been in the middle of putting the Christmas stuff away. Tomorrow has to be a better day. Thanks again everyone for letting me vent. I don't know what I would do without you.