As a result of 21 years of bombardment from my dh with rages, put downs, criticizing, ridicule--you get the picture. Anyway, my self-esteem is almost non-existant. I am so unsure of myself, and I just feel like I'm not a worthy person. I feel hopeless and ugly. Yes, dh is on seroquel now, not dx, but yesterday he came out with his usual snotty self. It again flattened me. I just don't seem to have any residual resources now. I'm so tired, tired of dealing with him, tired of having him in my life. I try to buoy myself up, and his onslaughts on me just knock me out of the saddle, so to speak. His bad actions are less now, but still there, and I can see that they will continue.
Hanging On, Maybe you need to talk to the doctor and see if a stronger dose of Seroquel or another pill will help. Have you spoken to the doctor about how the last 21 years have been for you? He might prescribe something for you to be able to handle the abuse better. Good Luck and God Bless.
My advice and opinion would be based upon one very important factor. Has the 21 years of "rages, put downs, criticizing, ridicule" been the result of 21 years of AD or just the way he is? There's a HUGE difference between sudden abusive behavior brought on by AD and abusive behavior due to one's basic personality. I would think the advice would be different, depending on which situation applies.
((Hanging on)) Where you say he is not diagnosed, I am assuming the rages and abuse are part of his makeup. Please correct me if I am wrong.... I agree with Joan, there is a huge difference, all the difference.. in tolerating this behavior because of illness. I am sorry he has beat you down, my heart aches for you.
My sister was in an abusive relationship since she was 14. It took her till 2 years ago, at the age of 40 to find her self worth and the strength to leave him. I fear she will always carry the scars he inflicted upon her.. but there IS hope for you and her and anyone who has been through such trauma.
I do think you should keep seeking a diagnoses for your husband and I would definitely talk to his doctor about an increase in his medications. IMHO, I think it is past time that you try to take care of YOU. Perhaps you could see a therapist to help you learn the tools you will need to start rebuilding your beautiful self back up. My heart goes out to you and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((big hugs)) Nikki
(Hanging on)... I will state the "obvious"..and that is when you go to his doctor to discuss these problems, go alone. It's impossible to talk about these things if he is sitting in the room..and I know this from personal experience. In the early days, when the doctors were going back and forth between Parkinsonian tendances, dementia from multiple TIA's, dementia from (earlier) years of heavy drinking, dementia from massive blood loss when he had intestinal hemorrhages, ... which meant they had no idea what the problem was..I finally made an appointment with his Neurologist and laid it on the table. I told him that while they were guessing, I was living in pure HELL at home. Driving issues, poor money management thru risky (if not stupid) investments and temper outbursts that scared me to death. That was 5 years ago. I must have gotten through to him.
He quickly referred us to the 'Grand Guru of Alzheimer's Research" at Baylor College of Medicine. She is the one who ordered the series of tests most of us have become familiar with. A Neuropsychological Test, CT Scan, Blood Work -looking for the APoE4 genes, and xrays. She made the AD diagnosis based on the combination of results. The rest is Alzheimer's History. Get a diagnosis or get out, my dear. You should not have to endure a life like this. I hope you can do this. I understand how you feel, because there was a time when my husband tried to pull this on me. We married in 1991..so I knew who I used to be, and was willing to go back and find the old me.
I will add this. I "chose" to stay the course....after the diagnosis. Sometime I wonder if I made the right choice. It doesn't get better if he gets the Alzheimer diagnosis. We often feel more obligated to take care of them because they are "sick" and cannot help themselves.
Hanging on. i rarely advocate leaving a spouse when they are ill esp AD but if you are in a postion to do so, i'd get out pronto if its feasible at this point-. taking care of a LOVING AD spouse is horrific and draining to the point of no return sometimes. i cant imagine caring for yet a spouse who has been and continues to be for over a quarter of a century abusive and cruel way before he became ill-. i hope you rethink your situation and make changes that are for your betterment before you get in over your head. you asked a question how to help your self esteem, under these circumstances its not going to improve, but only get worse. remember AD usually brings out the 'before' personality but only magnified during the course of the disease. take care, and wishing you all the best, divvi
..and YES YOU CAN take care of yourself without him. How old are you? Do you work? Can you get counselling for yourself? You don't owe him ANYTHING if he's been this way all along.
Thank you so much, everyone. Yes, he's always been like this. I, too, think the seroquel needs to be adjusted. I will talk with his PCP at his next diabetes checkup, early Dec. He goes every 3 months. The PCP, a woman, knows all about his background, totally. She is on my side. And I did take him to a neurologist twice, most recently one month ago. I got nowhere. The neurologist said he was just having trouble ageing, and that he was upset about that, hence the behaviors. I took the dog for her night walk just now, and did some more thinking on this. He's working on his 80th year now. Our remaining time together is very limited, since I'm younger. I must hang on, for financial reasons. It would be foolish to jump ship, after hanging on for so long only to give up right at the very last. It's just that I get so discouraged. Many of you, in your stories, are in a similar situation, and oftentimes go through having to deal with worse behavior than I am, or certainly as bad. You are very courageous. I won't give up, either. I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you so much for being there for me. I love you all, and send you all hugs.
Hanging On, If you must stay for financial reasons, can you look into residential placement for him? As was said above, our role is challenging enough when there has been a loving, harmonious history. I cannot imagine "taking it" under the circumstances you've described.
No placement yet, MarilynMD. That may come later, if he gets so bad that he finally gets dx. Gosh, but there's just no answer to this right now but to try to hold my ground with him, my boundaries. He's always pushing. Last Tuesday I got rear ended in our little Toyota pickup, with Emma in the ext. cab behind my seat. The guy totaled my truck. I saw him coming in my rear view mirror as I was stopped, trying to turn left into doggie day care to drop Emma off. I braced myself, with my hands on the steering wheel and my head against the headrest. He slammed into me hard. I felt and heard Emma hit the seat behind mine. She's ok, and I'm getting over being sore now. Could have been worse. But we have a lovely Toyota van left, plus the rv. The van is blue interior, and I love it. Well, now he's trying to put his debris--boxes and the hoarding stuff he does--into that beautiful van, since he doesn't have the back of that enclosed pickup anymore. I spoke to him about it yesterday, and it caused a snotty remark from him. He finally decided we "could work together on it." And, "You win again," he told me. What a snot. So it's off to another battle with him. It's always been a struggle with him, to keep him from totally taking over any place that we've owned with his junk and hoarding. He's ruined every place we've had, with his hoarding and with his abuse. Sorry, another bad day. I had a bad time in the shower just now, just thinking about trying to work around his taking over the van. I guess I'll just brave the inslaught, and confront him when he pushes it until I can't stand it anymore. I thought about bringing his junk into his bedroom and piling it on his bed. (grin)
Hanging on, you KNOW you are the better person. You KNOW that you have what it takes to survive. If you feel you must stay, build those walls around your heart and don't let his words get to you. Start making your lists for what you want to do AFTER. Tell yourself that you can buy a new van AFTER. You can get a new place AFTER. You can find someone who appreciates you just the way you are AFTER. And dump his stuff on his bed. <grin>
Hanging on, I pray you at least get an increase in Seroquel. I fear for your safety. Always have an escape plan. Have you talked with your local police/sheriff about the possibility of needing them? What is preventing a dx, his behavior or your location? Wish I could do more to help. Be safe my friend.
Change Neurologists. Most of us have been to several. In our case..three. The last one actually TESTED him,...rather than observing him for 5-10 minutes. The TESTS are what give us the diagnosis. I'm here to tell you, they will always be able to fake it with the doctors... so don't ever count on a visual diagnosis.
If you can't get him to a neurologist, suggest cognitive therapy. I know it sounds nuts, but it was my way into a diagnosis. I'm lucky because although his family doctor didn't see anything, he listened to me. You can't fool a cognitive therapist because, first of all they have seen everything, and second they know the difference between someone who can get better (a stroke victim usually) and someone who can't.
Also, you are making decisions without having the knowledge to make them. We usually send people to an eldercare lawyer, but you need a divorce lawyer. You might be surprised.
And if he hits you, call the cops. That alone might make all of the difference in your life.
Thank you, everyone. I appreciate so much your suggestions and caring. I do feel that his seroquel needs adjusting. He's definitely starting to lash out again verbally. Very cranky and quick to be snotty. Those first 3 weeks on the initial seroquel were so good. But I can see the med not having as much effect now. He's reverting back to his old self. I'm going to get his doctor to okay an increase. Right now I have to bide my time, because his brother, 2 years older, diabetic, and also an abuser of food like dh, is in the hospital, and we're going to have to go to see him Friday for the weekend. DH's sister will be there, too. Don't want to rock the boat until that's over. It appears brother has had some TIA's. Plus other big health problems now, so things are looking bad in Albuquerque. Plus, dh fell last night in the livingroom, after stepping off the step down into that area in a wrong way with his foot. I put a couple of pieces of handicap equipment there at both entrances, to end run another fall. He'll take hold of them when he starts to step down from now on. He hurt his knee when he fell, but it doesn't seem to be serious.
My husband hoards and takes over any space I clean up. So we are moving to a new house in which the lower level will be his space (three rooms plus storage space in the basement) and the main level will be my space. We will each have a bedroom and bathroom on our own level and he has a partial kitchen on his level to get his own lunch. His stuff won't be allowed in my space, and I do intend to move anything he leaves in my space back to his space. An odd arrangement but I am very much looking forward to it. The renovations on the new house aren't quite done but we might move as early as Oct. 29.
That is a good arrangement, Pam. I've done that, too, but he slowly encroaches into my space. We had a big place on an acre, and he had a double shop, plus then he encroaches into the big double garage with junk, and then went inside to the big play room where he took over that. This place we're in now is smaller, but I always have to watch him due to his trying to take over spaces. When he's gone, I plan to have the mother of all garage sales. (grin)
I just called the doctor, and she increased the seroquel to 50 mg at night, from 25 mg. So now he's on 25 in the morning, and 50 at night. He was off the wall with a rage tantrum when I brought it up. Finally agreed to do it.
Good for you, Hanging on, I hope it helps. But I do know there are others here who have had to try different meds before they found one that worked well (and sometimes one loses effectiveness after a while and you have to try something else.