The girls talk about ltheir problem with handling their DH apparatus and whether to point it up or down and how to clean the private part. I have some question for you guys taking care of your DW's.:: 1. How do you get your wife's wash their private area during baths? 2. How do you wash it if she does not? 3. If she wears depends and has an accident while wearing them, How much cleaning do you do before putting new pair on? 4. Does she still need inside cleaning like a douch (sp)??? 5. How often does her apparatus n eed to be cleaned? 6. Do you use soapy water or just plain water? 7. Anything else I need to know???
You ladies can contribute to this thread but don't confuse us guys. We are pretty ignorant about these things!!!!! bill
Oh my, where is Divvi when you need her? I hope some of the guys can answer you as to how they handle this situation.
If she is wearing depends, it means that there will be some leakage all of the time, which means that she needs to be washed every day. There are soft, moist towelettes sold in the aisle next to the Depends (also in the baby section and the feminine hygeine section) that you may encourage HER to use BEFORE or AFTER her bath, which would eliminate your initial question.
Same if there is an accident while wearing the Depends - encourage her to use the towelette. If she is not capable, then it's another job for you.
No, she doesn't need a douche.
Body cleansers (Dial makes a good one - Seabreeze fresh) are better and more gentle than soap. I highly recommend getting one of those removeable shower heads on a cable. You can adjust the spray and it rinses extremely well.
Ok, Bill, you've got the expert here...been doing this for years. First, I clean her with liquid Caress soap on an old cloth diaper (fairly soft cotton) in the morning. Then rinse soap off with clear (warm) water on the diaper after rinsing out all the soapy water from it. Then I pat dry with a paper towel before putting on the clean depends. Just clean the area as if it were your own. During the day, when depends are wet, I only wipe off area with warm water on an old diaper, then dry, etc. By the way, this is all done, of course, in her bed, 'cause she is not able to stand and take showers or anything. Just hard to do all the time while you realize you have no sex life anymore! <sigh> Good Luck. I didn't want to get graphic, but I figure you know what to do.
I second the hand-held shower thing. That will wash most parts sufficiently and comfortably, and Joan is correct--no douche required. Contemporary thinking is that they are unnecessary.
Most of these question can apply to both sexes, they just aren't the parts we are use to washing, so its a bit different! Lynn wasn't circumcised, I found out the hard way (an infection) that he wasn't washing under the skin. Acccck. He didn't want to wash himself, he didn't have the ability to do it correctly, so I had little choice but to learn first hand. He resented it and flat out refused my help, but something’s just HAVE to be done.
1. How do you get your wife's wash their private area during baths? Try handing her a soapy cloth and guiding her to what she is suppose to do. I know with Lynn, keeping the directions simple was key.
2. How do you wash it if she does not? Gently as you would yourself. If she has had a particularly bad accident, make sure you clean the whole area. Deep breaths, we do what we have to do :)
3. If she wears depends and has an accident while wearing them, How much cleaning do you do before putting new pair on? As Joe said it depends on how bad the accident was. If it is just urine I use the sanitary wipes. If it is #2, I do a thorough cleaning to try to prevent infection.
4. Does she still need inside cleaning like a douche (sp)??? I agree with the others, no these are not needed. Never had one in my whole life!
5. How often does her apparatus need to be cleaned? Sorry, but had to smile at the term "apparatus" :) Same as yours, only as needed. ((Poor guy, I feel for ya!))
6. Do you use soapy water or just plain water? Soapy to clean, mild gentle cleaners as everyone has mentioned.
7. Anything else I need to know??? Your doing great!! One day at a time, and keep posting ((hugs))
I guess I'm more casual. I wash DW's behind with a wet cloth after each BM, but not after voiding. If she wets a Depend I just change to a new one. If she messes a Depend with a BM I try to clean her as much as possible with a wet cloth. Sometimes this is not possible (see my comments in the thread on stopping travelling with DW). Last week not only did she mess in the Depend, but it ran down her legs onto the carpet. I got her cleaned up, but the carpet looked awful. One of the advantages of living in a retirement Inn - I just called maintenance and they came with an industrial size carpet cleaner. As for bathing, most of the time that is done at the Adult day care center she goes to 3 days a week. On the few occasions when I have to do it, I try to get her to soap her "private parts", and then rinse it off with a removeable shower head. This must be working because I have not seen any sign of infection or skin problems (knock on wood).
haha.. i am here and ready to offer anything i can but i see others have answered your questions well. on the other hand, a basin if you can find one that is bed pan type like hospitals use is best for cleaning while in a prone position. in my opinion after a gentle soap like cetaphil (CVS/walgreens /walmart etc (little more money but worth it for Privateparts:) which has no irritating ingredients and used for hypoallergenics is what i use for DH and myself. the nitty gritty is some ladies or men can get quite irritated 'down there' with reg soaps. DH is one of them. my 7yr old grandaughter another. if they can use reg soaps i would chose one that has no irritants. dove sensitvie or such. just to be sure. after using a soapy washcloth i would expressly recommend running warm fresh water over the entire area into the bedpan to leave no residues. longterm soap residues can produce bacterias. make sure everything is dry before using depends - my DH is able to use non talc /non perfumed cornstarch type baby powder very well and it absorbs odors and moisture. no issues so far. ladies its been recommended not to use powders in private areas. just femeine spray FTS/CVS:) if you need odor control. it there is fecal matter you must ensure all is cleaned or yes bacteria, staph or any sort of ungodly infection can occur. those larger adult wipes work well.
all i can add - i hope your questions have been satisfied. good for you, these questions need to be answered and someone needs to ask. its part of living with AD and all of us sooner or later will address these issues. not a fun topic but a necessary one, sadly enough. divvi
I am surprised, and amazed by your frankness on this subject. But not so much that I can't give my experience and perspective. When my DW was having so much trouble with diarrhea and incontinence, she was always able to clean herself. My job was to clean the bed, floor, toilet stool (yes, she missed too). Thank goodness, stopping aricept fixed that problem for the time being.
For the shower and cleaning of the private parts, I have to tell you that I learned how to do that many years ago for fun. The process hasn't changed.
Dear wife is not incontenent yet but getting much closer. We have a big problem with her bath. She just doesn't like the idea of me helping her at all and will not get into the tub without a lot of argument. Then once in she does not wash miuc but under her arms, with clean water. If I try to help her she gets very mad. Have tried to talk her into a shower with a hand held sprayer but she wont' get in. Even got a hose spray to use on the tub faucett but it really seems to scare her. I think that this cleaning business has a root in her independance and/or pride. That is off base for me!!! but I can see it getting worse and dieraha is more often and she gets it all over herself and does not clean it and won't let me help without a lot of talking. I see a lot of real problem in the very near future.
Do you have a daughter who would be willing to give it a try? Or you can hire a female aide for bathing time. I realize there is no need for wives to by shy around husbands when it comes to nudity, but AD changes perspectives, so maybe a woman would have better luck.
and bill. showers are coming so start working harder on that aspect of hygiene -soon she wont be able to get in/out of a bathtub and if she gets in and cant get out you are in a pickle. the only other resort is to have them sit on the transfer chair and try that way but even then eventually that will become complicated for them. good luck, i think a female aide to come to bathe is the best advice yet. divvi
Please be careful with the hand held spray device. I, too, thought that would be really easier to get the soap off myself when I shower. Instead, it made me very sore in my urethra, and I had a heck of a time getting rid of that soreness. Probably need to hold the sprayer more away from the body, so the body doesn't get a hard blast, thus the soreness. Now, I use a big glass of water (twice), and let it flow down over myself while sitting on a shower stool. That gets rid of the soap. I do use the hand held sprayer prior to the glass of water, front and back, while protecting that vulnerable urethra area. Then I use the glass after that. It's a plastic glass. Hope I have been too graphic. But I didn't want anyone to get their dw sore, and her not being able to say that she's sore. It's really uncomfortable.
Just read on a health site recently that it's better not to use soap on your private parts when washing them. Like Divvi says, maybe it depends on the soap you use--something very mild.
We're stuck between trying to establish a daily habit, and knowing that they don't REALLY need to be bathed every day unless they've soiled themselves. I think the others are right, Bill, get a female CNA a couple of times a week. Medicare may pay if it's only for the bathing but here, it's chancy - you never know when they may come during a day so you can't plan anything.
We had to give up the bath tub altogether and use only the shower with a bench to sit on. To much danger of falling getting into and out of the bathtub. It's okay tho. Works just fine.
You ladies missed my main point ie cleaning the stool where she missed it. I have been told that that was payback for the many years that I was careless and just didn't aim right. If that is true, I sure wish I had been more careful. Or maybe it's true that what goes around comes around.
Anyhow, This is a good discussion and it certainly applies to everyone.
Walmart sells a gental feminie cleansing liquid - I even dilute it. Sometimes it can get very dry down there and may need a little Ky jelly for comfort. Now, what type of diaper works the best - holds the most and leaks the least.
I read this post before anyone answered..and realized I didn't have enough knowledge about bathing another woman to answer. My two thoughts initially was 'absolutely NO douches'. When women age, one of the problems we endure is dry vaginal walls, and I have heard for years that the natural secretions should be left alone..as a douche is drying.
The other thing I would add is to use a NON soap, but rather something like Cepalil (sp) if you're afraid you cannot rinse her vaginal area well enough. Back to the drying effect. I know that most dermatologists say we should only bathe with Dove or Zest...neither have much 'soap' in the ingredients.
Way back in the first materials I read after DH was Dxd, there was advice to get an aide, preferably of the same gender as the LO if possible, in to deal with showering/bathing. I can't cite a reference now but the gist was that dealing with this kind of personal care can be more difficult on those in a marital relationship. From the time he came home from the hospital, we arranged a male in-home helper who deals with this as a part of his duties. I final became Senior enough to qualify for my own aide, female, this summer. Different reasons--same goals--getting clean safely.
Aides can be scheduled, and with diligence you can get them set, so you're not hostage to being there until they show up.
Now, everyone think about this. Where else in the world can anyone have this discussion without embarrassment, - and get the information that we share. Amazing! Just another reason that this site is like having all of you sitting around in my living room and talking. Even the guys. God BLESS the guys!
Nancy B. I would not, could not, have these discussions face to face with anyone. I'm the last of the cowards. Anonymity is great. In fact, before AD, I didn't have these kind of thoughts.
Oh Well, Hope all of you have a good day tomorrow.
Such great advice here for all. I would add that there is a "cleansing foam" called Aloe Vesta. It is multi purpose (perineal cleanser, body wash, shampoo). There is no rinsing necessary. I us this in between showers to help keep my DH clean, esp when dealing with urinary incontinence. Bought this @ the medical supply store, but CVS and/or Walgreens offered to "order" for me with no xtra charge, other than the product cost. 8 oz pump bottle was $12.99 @ Med Supply Store. Have had this for a while now...not alot is needed...After I apply to the areas needing cleaning (his side where the urine has leaked through his pj shorts, and the private parts area) I gently wipe off with a dry wash-cloth. Nothing else needed. It takes away odors as well.
I agree with the women here, you guys are doing a wonderful job! God bless you, and then some!
I realize that no one here, at least for awhile, has mentioned the site that got a lot of us aware of whatthehell was going to happen with AZ: bigtreemurphy.com. She has a long and very detailed discussion of incontinence and how to deal with it. I don't think it's still maintained but there is a lot there. On her suggestion I got a pack of cheap washcloths and if we're in a messy phase, go through them quickly.
One more thing which we women learned to do many years ago: with dirty diapers (if you ever used real ones on the kids) you could hang on to one end and flush the toilet over them. Pretty good at dislodging the worst mess. If you're also dealing with cloth getting soiled much, you might want to get a plastic dish scraper - the kind you use to get the last of the pudding out of the bowl, I mean - and keep it in the bathroom. It helps too.
I realize now how silly it is that the advice we are often given is "take them to the toilet every two hours." My husband's worn depends for a couple of years now but still in the daytime often makes it to the toilet more or less on time. When he does, it has been at least five hours since the last time. No wonder he hated it when I tried to schedule that he go every TWO hours.
Mine still uses the toilet most of the time to defecate, as well. Not having experience with anyone else, I can not say if he's unusual in having a lot left on his behind after he's "finished." At first it was just a real nuisance to deal with, and I hated it. Yesterday I found myself looking out the window at the fall leaves, my mind wandering, as I did the wiping on auto-pilot. You can get used to anything, I guess.
Dagma, what kind of diaper works the best? If you're just starting with this, I'd say get the maximum absorbency that does NOT have the tabs (there's a rating chart on the side of all the packages that is helpful). The Tena are the softest but not easy to find always. I can't distinguish much in materials between Depends, the CVS brand, and the Walmarts Assurance. They may fit differently though - some have a higher rise than others so you need to buy different packages and just try until you see what fits. Look back through this thread and others and you'll find lots of discussions. Courage!!
Bill - I'm so glad you brought up this subject. I am not at that point yet with my DH, but I have feared it for so long. I always said, "I'm not going to be able to do that." But now, after reading all the comments, I'm not so afraid or turned off by the thought. Thanks to all of you for being so frank. And I remember taking care of my elderly mother. When I was told I had to give her an injection of insulin twice a day, I thought I'd never be able to do that ... but I did and I became pretty good at it.
My hats off to all of you who are doing this for your DSs day in and day out.
Dean - you made me laugh.
Briegull - such a good picture. I can see you looking out at the fall leaves, while doing this chore. Yes, you're right ... we can get used to doing anything. And, yes, we all step up to the plate and do what we have to do.
This is sort of on the subject....My DH. for the last two nights has been taking off his Depends, in the middle of the night...and wetting the bed, this happened twice last night, anyone else having this problem?? The advice above is all good....like Briegull said, you get use to doing most anything....I know He also has not made it to the bathroom on time for a BM...On go the rubber gloves, and we do what we have to do....Bless us all, I agree...
At least all you women, when cleaning your DHs, don't have a vagina from which you have to clean diarrhea. Talk about worrying about some kind of infection! Arrrrg.
TXjoe- Oh, oh, oh. If this is an on-going problem, you might ask her doc how to properly go about this and maybe get a mild preventive anti-biotic to avoid a possible UTI--or at least cranberry pills. You don't want to deal with that. Then, eventually you can become a gynecologist--sorry, I'm really not laughing.
Bettyhere, she's had 2 utis, last Feb. and again in July, both hospital stays. The diarrhea was caused by the anti-biotics she rec'd. for the July infection. Nothing resulted from that, possibly from still some level of drug in her system. I asked the doc why uti occurs, and the answer was sometimes they just happen....not 'cause of my not ever cleaning her parts good enough. She was on a weekly anti-bio maintenance when she got the July one, so ya' just do the best ya' can, and what happens, happens.
Sorry for what you each have to go thru. Yes, I know that sometime UTI's just occur, some of the joys of being female. Have not followed each post enough to know she'd already had them. And you're right, you just do the best you can do. Fortunately I had my adult son to help w/his dad from time to time. It's good this tipic got started, taking care of another type of body is not something most of us every considered.
Thanks, Vickie, and Bettyhere...we can get them, too -- no one ever told me you should urinate after sex, and because of not doing that, I got one that put me in the hosp. for 5 days on their most powerful anti-bio, several years ago when I had a sex life. You gals have some nasty germs in there that can raise heck with our kidneys!
My Aunt was a registered nurse and she used to tell us she could carry a bedpan in one hand and a sandwich in the other, so I guess you can adjust to most anything. Not necessarily like it but adjust. I am not looking forward to it.
I always say that the diaper changing, wiping part is the "line in the sand" for me. I won't be able to do it. But who knows? I've said that about a lot of things (unrelated to AD), and I did them. I'm with you, lmohr - not looking forward to it.
This is just my own opinion and I don't expect anyone to agree with me, but I can honestly say - that is not a job I would ever want Sid to have to do for me. I would want him to get a nurse or aide to do it. I just wouldn't want him to have to do it.
I never liked changing diapers on our kids, but am having no problem changing DW's Depend and wiping her bottom when she gets messed. I'm probably helped by the fact that she has no problem with me doing it - just stands there and waits until I am done. I wasn't happy when she had a very loose BM that overflowed the Depend, ran down her legs and onto the carpeting as she walked across the room. But I was able to get it cleaned up so we could go to dinner while the maintenance crew cleaned the residual stains on the carpet.
I agree with Dean. These are problems I would have difficulty discussing face to face, particularly in our support group meetings where all the rest of the caregivers are women.
phranque got your comments....and has the knowledge to handle it....it is identical to what I do with my grandaughter....(oooopps she is now trained). Last week, my dw used preparation H and inserted into the incorrect cavity...Now THAT was not easy to clean up...
When I first checked in here, no one had talked much about incontinence, and if you look at the Stages, you'll see that it is always listed way far along the line - moderately severe, I think. So the fact that my husband was already having problems when a lot of the other symptoms were at an earlier stage worried and confused me. Now I realize that it's just one of the variations.. as some people become almost mute fairly early on while others never stop chattering or vocalizing, or as some lose their sense of balance well before a lot of other symptoms.
Two years ago the daytime Depends were always damp to wet. Nowadays they often are NOT, over the course of an entire day. Thinking about it, I suspect that this is because he is doing much less. Just sitting, watching TV, he recognizes when he needs to go, is not far from the toilet, and can usually/often get there in time, without any prompting. A year ago or two years ago he was elsewhere in the house, he was doing other things, moving around, going out more.. and was distracted until it was "too late." I'd certainly never go back to jockey shorts, of course, but this is just an example of how things can change. And how maybe adjusting routines can help.
I read the "line in the sand" statement often - incontinence is listed as one of the most prevalent reasons for institutionalizing someone - and thought oh, he's not ready yet; he must just be a freak because he needs Depends but in other areas is still pretty competent. Reading all of us here makes me realize it isn't uncommon at all!
I also thought incontinence would be the "line in the sand" for me. However, when my husband dropped his pants & pooped all over the garage floor...I was shocked beyond belief. But, it was just like everything thing else that has changed our lives, I cleaned up the mess...of course sobbing & gagging the whole time. Cleaned him, got him in the shower...no resistance this time. I know the next time this happens I won't be devastated, because it is just like every time something new happens, the next time it is not new. Believe me I hope beyond hope that it doesn't happen again. That was the day I realized it was time for Depends or Tena, just in case.
Joan---you suggested talking to my daughter who does live in our town. I sent her the thread. The problem is Carol does not want to take a bath, and especially a shower. This seems to be her exerting her independence or pride. The shower scares her, especially about getting her hair wet. At the beach this summer, my daughter was able to take off her swim suit and get her into the shower for a bath and shampoo. but I have not been able to get her into the shower. We do have the sprayer on a hose but she just gets upset when I try to get her into the shower. We have a built in seat and a glass door and larger that most showers. We are talking about a way to talk her, or trick her, into the shower. I bought a new shower cap.
Any suggestions for possible tricks?????????????? bill
We're not at the incontinent stage yet, but I appreciate all the helpful hints here--and hope I remember them when the time comes;) Last year hb had an enlarged prostate, and we had to deal with similar situations for a short time. We used a house-brand depends-like underwear w/tab or buttoned fasteners. DON'T use those! He couldn't button/unbutton.