I have to admit that I have not been happy in a long time. This Dam AD seems to suck out of you any way to be happy most of the time.
As I have said before I am a motorcycle rider and every Friday I get 4-5 hours to get out and ride what I refer to as my freedom machine. Usually go to lunch with a fellow rider and for those 4 hrs feel like a human again.
I am to the point where I have to make some big decisions on what to do with my wife. I love her dearly, but she is getting to the point where everyday is HELL. My children are worried about me getting sick and I have to say I am as well.
I get up at 5:00 am just so I can have some free time to have coffee in peace and read the paper. When I get her into bed at night it is the best part of the day, because the day is over and I can relax if I don't crash and fall asleep.
The only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for the person I married and the knowledge that she would do it for me, but there is no quick fix to this mess and unfortunately I have always been a fixer. It is frustrating not to be able to fix this.
As I have said before " It is what it is" all of us as caregivers have to realize that the AD is going to take our loved ones, but if you do not find time for yourself it will take you as well and you will be no good to anyone including yourself. You can not control the disease, but you can learn to to control how you handle it.
Find time to do something you enjoy and if you have to let other things go, because there is always something you will need to do anyway.
Find time for yourself it will keep you from going down with your spouse. None of us asked for this, but we have to deal with it.
I TRY to get a massage once a month. I know that won't last forever, but for now I can usually find a way. Sometimes my husband goes with and walks around where we are, so when he wanders I will have to figure out another way. But, I so look for that hour (sometimes 90 minutes). Funny that I had a dream last night that I went for my massage and the masseuse was doing other things and then started giving me little dishes of food rather than the massage and I realized I was going to have to go home without...
Audiobooks on my Ipod make me happy!!!! I gave my 7yr old grandson a Nano Ipod for Christmas; and he loved it... So I got one for myself!!! Figured I'm almost as smart as he is. Took me a while to learn how use it; but I did! (if you're reading this you already have a computer!) I have now discovered great music and Audiobooks! It is so small that my LO doesn't notice it. He know I've got something in my ears, I've got it in a little leather case, maybe it's to listen to music, but... I put a book on my Ipod and listen to the tale for hours. If he interupts me, I pull out one ear phone, smile and answer him. He seems oblivious to what I'm doing; savoring all the Best Sellers; Biographys; Action Novels; Comedy Skits and more!!! I am less lonely. I have become literate again... And for awhile -Happy-
It is so very important to take care of your self. I read that 30% of caregivers die before their loved one. You have to find time and a way, to laugh out loud everyday. You have to give yourself permission to be happy. I find time to go to the gym everyday. MY DH goes with me sometimes and works out and runs on the treadmill. I believe that the excercise helps with both our moods. We will sit down and watch our favorite sit-com and laugh out loud together.
Special friends are making me happy. We usually aren't with people we know, but have just spent a week with four other couples that traveled to Alaska with us last summer. I was suprised how well my DH did. I'm not sure how much he remembers about that trip or who these people are, but they all went out of their way to make him feel included. They all commented that he was much quieter, but when he did decide to say something he was allowed to take his time to get it said. Today one of the men came and took him to get a few groceries and they were gone about an hour. At first, Hank said he didn't want to go (guess it's hard to shadow when you are a few blocks apart), but Dick just took him along and I had an hour to myself. This week was a gift in that Hank enjoyed it and I felt surrounded by friends who totally accepted the space we are in - which makes me VERY happy.