I posted Wednesday's blog so late, it will carry into Thursday. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, read the blog, and post comments here. Just when you think you have things figured out, they change. It is difficult to keep up emotionally.
I know, I know. Yesterday both of us felt awful - gloomy weather, he was uncomfortable and I was totally wiped out for no reason whatever. He was awful at bedtime, roaring, WHY SHOULD I when I asked him to get on his chair to go up to bed, etc. Tonight before dinner, I put my arm around him as he sat in his chair and said, how can we work out things so you don't get so upset after dinner? Do you think cutting out the wine would help? What WOULD help? And he was very quiet, said he didn't know. BUT: thereafter he couldn't have been sweeter, more helpful, more compliant. You never ever know...!
Sid sounds like he's a dear man underneath it all and sometimes he's able to break thru. Yeah, things continually change, you never really get on top of things, just appreciate these moments when they happen. It was a very sweet thing.
I'm not used to kindness from my dh. Seldom have I gotten it from him consistently, so that I could let down my guard. So, when he started on Seroquel about 3 weeks or so ago, and I saw the changes in instances where he would have lashed out in a tirade/rage towards me, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't trust it. Now, about 3 weeks or so into the Seroquel, we have another trip that we just completed. That was a true test of his perhaps changes for the better. It was only 4 days total, and again in the RV. For the first time in the entire marriage of almost 21 years (next month), he didn't ruin our trip with his insane acting out. I kept waiting and waiting for him to launch into me, and he didn't. There were instances where he could have, as he has in the past trips. Finally, I risked it and complimented him on his behavior. Again when we got home I complimented him, pointing out that it was a first for him, in all of these years, and thanking him for continuing with the Seroquel. It was a good trip, I told him. He beamed. Oh, there's still the anger and rage bubbling under the surface. I could see that in some instances in the past 3 weeks since on Seroquel. But it didn't spill out and over onto me, even though I got a scared feeling inside. So, yes, kindness from him for the first time since I've known him. Yes, of course, there have been some kindnesses, but the overall demeanor during the past 21 years has been mean and ornery--that has been basic. Perhaps, with Seroquel, "kindness" can become part of my life with him, and I can relax into it a little.
My DH had always done things for me, or stepped up to the plate when I was buried in chores. A lot of that has been gone for a long tinme, but in the last 3 years, since Dx, unexpectedly and sporadically he'll do things. I do my absolute best to be appreciative of his efforts--even when it means I have to stop what I'm doing to eat lunch at 10 a.m. Or a second lunch at 1:30, when I ate at 12. Or when I've had to rearrange the grocery shelves because he put away the canned goods. Freshly scrambled eggs really can't be reheated and taste good. Doing the bills can wait for a bit. The main thing, to me, is that he tries, and I will not ruin that for him. I know it's only a matter of time before he won't be able to do this anymore. His efforts are already coming fewer and farther between. I just won't shoot him down if it's at all avoidable. Smile. Give a hug. Thank your LO. They're doing the best they can.
Comment Author rbosh Comment Time 17 minutes ago edit delete Hi Joan,
I just read your most recent blog about this 'new' stranger Sid has become. I too have been there, done that so to speak.
I think one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given, while Ronnie was at home, was that the caregiver sets the tone for everything. If you are in a bad or argumentative mood - Sid will also be that way. If you are up set - Sid will be. If you are happy and easy going - Sid will also be happy and easy going.
Yes, I know, it is just one thing more on your plate - but I found by experience that it works. Even when Ronnie would do something to provoke me - if I kept a happy face and a happy mood it would soon blow over. If I let it upset me - he too would get upset. They tend to mirror everything you do.
You weren't upset about the desk, you knew it had to be emptied repaired - so he was more than willing to try to help you. Even when he got stuck - you remained upbeat and made the most of the situation - by helping him get out - he was more than willing to do it again, and he got stuck again. Nothing serious happened - just let it go, and move on.
I hope this 'stranger' stays with you for a long time - but I am afraid his visit will all depend on you. If you can find something to laugh about in these situations - he will laugh also. If you get upset and angry - he too will get upset and angry. When this happens - he will lash out at the person closest to him - that is YOU. They always seem to do this. Don't ask me why - I wish I knew. I learned to laugh about things that were far from funny - just to keep him in a good mood. When he fell, and I couldn't get him up - I tried to find something that would make the situation into something less serious until the EMT's arrived. I would ask him to check for dust bunnies or something while he was on the floor - under the pretense that I couldn't always see that well and most likely I had missed them. He would forget that he had fallen and start looking to see where I had left something on the floor. It eased the tension and we were more able to deal with the moment at hand.
Yes, I know your plate is overfilled now - but it is much better than where I am - alone. Better to keep your sense of humor than to have to eat alone everyday after you 'visit with someone who has no idea who you are, much less why you are there'. Keep smiling - my weird sense of humor has saved the day more than once - and so will yours.
Please stay in touch and I will try to do the same.
Ruth, I agree with you.....it works at my house too. As long as I'm happy, he'll be fine. If I get stressed or upset, he's like a two year old with a stubborn streak. His attitude has become a mirror of mine. And it's easier to laugh - plus it's more pleasant! <grin>
This is a scary one...If they get too nice and we get used to it, it hurts even worse when they revert back. As for the idea that my mood effects their's. I'm not so sure in our house. We have at least a week of no control with the full moon and we have two to three days every time the weather changes. None of this, I can control. Yesterday and today, I have noticed that he is so tired and confused but he actually made a decision that he knew would please me. This gave me a lot to think about.