i had asked my father in law to set up an appointment with the doctors so we can see where DMIL is in her progression after getting advice about what to do on here, and at first he said he would do it, and now he said he doesnt think talking to the doctor is worth it, because the doctor just keeps telling him to put her in a home. she has had dimentia or ad for 1 1/2 years now and is not that far along. i have never heard of anyone professional ADVOCATING someone to put someone in a home all of the research i have done and reading and everything says to keep them at home as long as possible to keep them comfortable as long as possible and as long as you can care for them. i have never heard of a doctor pushing for nursing home care. is it just me or does this seem off?
I think it would be pretty unusual, especially if your MIL isn't that far along.
So ... perhaps your FIL doesn't want to take her to see the doctor, for some reason, and is just saying that so you won't push him into taking her.
Or, perhaps, your FIL is beginning to think that the way out of his dilemma is to place her, and he wants to see how you'd react. Or he's starting to build a case for placing her, by telling you the doctor recommended it. Or perhaps he wants to keep you from trying to speak with the doctor yourself, by making you think that's the response you'd get.
Actually, many doctors do advise a care facility--not for the patient--but for the caregiver. The patient will advance no matter where he is or who cares for him, but the stress on the caregiver, especially those who are alone 24/7 can be very damaging and many doctors see the caregiver as their patient also. FYI: 15% of AD CG's will die before their contemporaries and many will die before the person they are caring for. The CG spouse of an AD LO will suffer from depression at 3 times the rate of others in their age group. 43% of AD CG's fall into a clinical depression that can linger for years, even after the LO dies. 3/4 of home-bound caregivers do not get consistent help from family members, especially spousal caregivers.
So, yes, the thoughtful doctor will have as much concern for the CG as the patient. As a rule, CG's wait too long to place a LO for their own well-being, and I was certainly one of those. I was left w/medical problems that are under control & won't kill me, but as I kept getting older & DH kept needing more and more of me, I paid a price.
So the question for Carly is: Is caring for her MIL having a harmful effect on her FIL? She doesn't talk about his age or health, but that's what the doc may see and the FIL is trying to hide it.
My DH's Doctor told me on the last visit, that I should start looking for a NH. My DH is 73 and I am 67. He is in about stage six and I am his only caregiver. He is concerned that I will not be able to take care of my DH for much longer. I have fought with VA to give me some help, and they finaly aproved us for 21 hours a year respite. I know that is not much, but every little bit helps. I told the Doctor that I had no way of looking for a home, because I had no time to check them out. Besides I realy like for him to stay home untill I can realy not take care of him anymore.
When My DH's mother was living with us (and had dementia), the doctor put her in the hospital 'for tests' because my DH's blood pressure had skyrocketed. As it turned out, she fell while in the hospital and broke her shoulder. After that she could no longer walk, and was placed in a nursing home. She was there for 6 years before she died. Many times Doctors will do what they feel is best for the patient, no matter whether the patient is the person with the AD or the caregiver. In our case, he was concerned for my husband's health and took the action he felt was best for him. Now the it's my DH who is afflicted, I would hope that a doctor would consider the whole picture when caring for him, as that old GP did, 20 years ago.
no, FIL is 57 and DMIL is 63. FIL is in good health and carrying on a double life, no joke. if you read my last post "cheating" caregiver it will give you some insight as to what the whole situation is. DMIL'S weight loss is still a problem so we thought we would try to get her some better fitting clothes. FIL said he already tried and she wont wear them. we told him to give them to us and we will wrap them up like they were a gift for mothers day or what ever (she always wears the sweatshirts we get her) so he gave us a bag of clothes yesterday, and we looked at them....... they were her clothes-NOT NEW AND ALL TOO BIG!! one shirt even had a stain on it, and the pants had already been through the dry cleaners alterations and were the same size she is wearing now. these were just clothes out of her closet!!!! i'm not understanding what the deal is.
back on topic, DMIL doctor is just a family practitioner. the doctor knows her situation with her being agorophobic in the past. MIL doesnt want to meet anyone new or go anywhere. she knows where everything is at home. FIL is gone 6 or 7 days a week, and off doing not just business but leading a double life. i'm not sure he is even taking her to the doctors now. i just can not imagine any doctor who doesnt know about his other life, just assuming he is frequently out on business, but with her sons bringing her dinner and doing all we have been permission to do for her , telling him to put her in a home. it just makes no sense. when it doesnt make sense, it just isnt true. im more confusd than ever now.
Rather than getting better fitting clothes when MIL loses weight, maybe find out why she is losing weight. It is not unusual to lose weight w/AD or it could be she is not getting proper nourishment. At 57, FIL is very young and from what you post, not inclined to be the caregiver she really needs--it's doubtful he'll get better at it. Who is going to take over her care if FIL is not doing it--will you or other family members? You say she is 'not that far along' but she will be as time goes by, what are your plans for then? The doc may see that she is not getting enough proper care and placing her would get her better care. You seem to be angry at the doc, have you ever spoken to him? You are rightfully angry about his other life, but no one can stop that. This is not easy b/c your FIL has all the legal rights, but if you think there is some sort of neglect or abuse, you should call Adult Protective Services.
As for the clothes thing--FIL seems indifferent to all of it & probably gave you whatever he could grab just to keep some sort of peace. If you think she needs new clothes you can buy them, he's not about to do so.
carly ... maybe you should repost your question under your previous topic, so everyone is on the same page.
I didn't originally think what you asked about seemed too strange -- a little "off", yes, at the stage of the disease your MIL has -- until I looked up who you were, and re-read your "cheating" post.
Now it seems a LOT off.
It appears to be part of the pattern your FIL has already established, of neglecting your MIL, leaving her alone for days on end when she is unable to feed herself (which is why she's losing weight), abusing the POA she gave him, and giving half a million dollars (that you know about) to another woman... He is exploring "placing" your MIL as a way to get on with his new life / new "love" without having to properly support or care for your MIL.
Placing someone can be expensive but if everyone can get together and can swing it (I assume your FIL is spending everything on the new family) I'd place your MIL in an assisted living place where she could be seen to every day. Many assisted living places have NH's nearby where they can "step down" to at the appropriate time. We have assisted living places here that you can even buy. They are like full apartments with kitchens even though the residents are furnished meals if they opt to. They also have attached or nearby assisted living one-room apartments. So there are all levels of assisted living. You all just need to get her away from your FIL who is obviously neglecting her. Maybe a divorce would let her get her share of things before they are all gone on the other family.
i reposted on cheating caaregiver... sorry for any confusion. there is enough money though for everyone to be taken care of. including her, even though he tries to act like he doesnt have it. he can afford what ever he wants thats why he is able to live like he does. he promised us he would never put her in a home, with home health care as his option.
Having considered the situation some more, and thought about the other posts ...
The problem I see is not the excuse your FIL gave for not taking his wife to the doctor, it's that he did not take her at all. Obviously, you think she needs to be seen. So why doesn't he?
If he feels that her current doctor is not doing anything to help her, then he should be looking for a better doctor for her, not just refusing to take her to see him.
You think she is losing weight. Maybe her current doctor thinks so, too, and has indeed been pushing your FIL to place her in a nursing home, where she will receive better care than she is now. The doctor may fear that your FIL doesn't know how to care for her properly, or perhaps even that she is being neglected.
Can you and/or your husband take her to her doctor? It might be better all around. You and he could discuss your concerns with the doctor, and hear first-hand what sort of care the doctor feels your MIL needs.
yep, i do not believe he is taking her to the doctor. i just wanted a confirmation of my suspicions. the doctor would think my FIL was taking care of her, he would have no other reason to suspect otherwise, but if he has not seen her in a long time he may not know about her weight loss.
we are going to confront him soon about all of the stuff he keeps lying about. everyone just says "just ask him" and its not as easy as that. he will take it as accusing him, ya know? I just wish he would stop making it about him, and he had the nerve to say to my husband "statistics say i will die with in 2 years of your mom" he is 57 for crying out loud!!!!!!! on top of that he has already replaced everything that is "broken" and filled any gaps that were missing in his life.
we are going to talk to the doctor. i dont think his dad can stand in the way of that, if he doesnt get her the care she needs i will call adult protective services back and let them begin their investigation. the man i talked to said it sounded like a case of neglect, but then i was kind of scared off by they have to bring in social workers and moniter her, and ask her questions. she was agorophibic before she had this and the whole "new siuations , new people" thing really is just so stressful for her. but in one way or another she will have all the help she needs. we will not let this continue. when she has started not wanting to take baths him telling us "dont say anything to her if she smells bad" is not good enough. its just as simple as that. and clearly she deserves better.
In your situation a social worker who has seen it all before would be a blessing. Once s/he is in place, getting your MIL to the doctor would be a given since it is one of the things s/he would set up.
You might need an outsider to assess this entire situation. If your MIL has stopped taking baths she is at a much later stage of dementia than you realize. That is a late stage symptom.
i was told she was in stage 5, but i dont know how true that is. she has only had it for a year and a half. she comes and goes. the one day i was sitting with her, she asked how old my son was, had a plesant convesation with me and even told me she used to smoke when she was in college out of boredom. (she would have never ever ever told me something like that before) but that night her husband came home and she was standing sideways. apparently she had something like a stroke, but he said the doctor did not want to run any tests. but sometimes she is fine other times she just doesnt respond with anything but a smile. the last time i was with her, she did not respond to anything i said, and some of it was, i thought , important.
as a side question is there any medical information tha would be the "calm before the storm" kind of situation where she was able to converse with me, and then 4 hours later she had a stroke or something like it? it seemed like it was a real moment of clarity for her, and i thought they had changed her medication. then it turns out she was just heading down hill faster.
like i said, he is only home maybe one day a week. she has been pretty much alone all of this time. i think that either it is going to be forced on him to do it, or he can pull his head out of the sand and do it for himself. i think if he moves her it will kill her, though.
carly, are you saying your MIL is COMPLETELY alone six days a week? No one there at ALL, to help her cook, or pick out her clothes for the day, or bathe, or remember to take her medicine?
That's just awful. Adult Protective Services should be called in right away.
Even if she is still stage five, she shouldn't be alone like that. And starling is right, it sounds as if she is much further along than that.
And this even after she apparently has also had a stroke? And the doctor was not allowed to run any tests? I can NOT believe the doctor did not WANT to run tests. That's ridiculous. They would insist on tests to determine whether she did have a stroke and should be on medicine to help prevent future strokes.
she doesnt/cant cook. my husband and his brother take her dinner. i and my husband take her lunch when we can. i opened the fridge last wed. to get my son some chocolate milk and (FIL OUT OF TOWN 10 DAYS THIS TIME)there was about 2 dozen low fat yougurt cups in there and that was all with the exception of condiments. it is always like this. i dont think she eats unless we bring her food. she used to refuse to let me bring her food, but i have been told not to give her a choice. one wednesday a few months ago she said she did not want anything to eat so i did not get her anything. i got my son a chicken nugget happy meal. he did not eat his chicken nuggets, so i threw them away, and when i turned around she was taking them out of the trash and putting them in the refrigerator. i thought maybe i was seeing things... my husband thought maybe i thought i saw that and that was not the case too, but now im pretty sure thats what i saw.
apparently she has slowed down eating what they bring her and she refused to eat her mcdonalds when i was there, (she still thinks she is going to get fat) there is so much going on
she has a pill case, im not sure he helps her with it or of she does it herself. the only time she has contact with other people is every other wednesday i sit with her for a few hours while merry maids cleans and when my brother in law takes her dinner he eats with her. other than that she is alone. apparently she calls FIL's cell phone about 100 times a day. he has admitted he doesn't answer all of he calls. and has even used the excuse "time zone differences" when he has been in the city 100 miles away, but telling us he was in singapore!!!!!!
i still have that horrible feeling like i am one of those people who is like "when his family says your doing it all wrong" posts.
carly, if you're afraid that you're being unreasonable, that you might be unfairly sitting "in judgment" on your FIL, then simply call Adult Protective Services, and let them decide.
They are independent and objective, and very familiar with the needs of AD patients.
I know you don't want to scare your MIL by having strangers show up to talk with her, but I think the poor woman is probably scared to death all of the time as it is. Patients with AD are confused and frightened because they can't function as well mentally and don't understand what's going on, and they need help with some of the very simplest activities. The more scared they become, the more they withdraw, and from what you've said, that's what your DMIL is doing.
Yes, she may be upset at first about talking with strangers, but once APS has talked with her, and your concerns are validated, then steps can be taken to take care of your DMIL, and make sure that she is safe and healthy.
hey sunshyne, you seem to be right on the money every time. sadly enough, we have an appointment at a nursing home to see the facility on saturday, and FIL wants to put DMIL in there. she has suddenly turned bad. monday she did not recognize me or my kids when we took her lunch, but she still opened the door. i have known her for 10 years so i suppose that length of time has disappeared out of her memory. but to make a long story short, i honestly just think FIL wants the money back from his house here, so he can just pay off the one he just bought in the city 100 miles away. could you see that? he puts DMIL in a nursing home here, then moves (actually i found out its more like 2 hours) away!! FIL has decided to get her evaluated on his own, we were going to talk to him about it and call him out on all of his BS in a week and a half, but now this. FIL is going to have them look at what the best option for DMIL is (just for reference this place that is evaluating her does not provide home health services). I feel like all of his promises are broken, and what a scumbag. he has enough money for someone to be there with her 24/7, and he has never been really "cheap" . but it seems like he just wants out of the responsibility so bad. my husband thinks it is better than him moving her 2 hours away, but i still dont see it. if he has the means to keep her home, why wouldn't he? i told my 6 year old what was going on, so my husband would stop letting it slide. I do not want her or my son around my FIL because i feel like he has been living a double life, and we do not know him. i would not leave my kids with someone i do not know. if she goes over there, she will ask him about what i have told her, and all of the cats will be out of the bag. i feel powerless, and feel terrible about using my kids as leverage, but i dont know what to do. why is there not a manual for this crap?
It is very likely that your MIL will be better off in the nursing home or in assisted living than with in-home care. You can visit her there regularly and make sure that they know to call one of you kids if there is something she needs. Also if all of you show up regularly, and her husband doesn't they will know who is really taking care of her no matter who is paying the bills.
And basically this IS the manual for this disease.
carly, dear lady, for an AD patient to be kept at home, there must be a loved one also staying in that home to take care of the patient. Obviously, your FIL is not about to do that. And with your children, I doubt that you and your husband could do more than you have.
Your MIL will be much happier, and safer, and far better cared for if you and your husband make sure that the nursing home chosen for her is a good one, and close to your family. You are obviously the only bright spot in her life.
has anyone here taken on their mother or father for caring for them? we have decided to look into that. we are going to discuss it with my husbands brother, and see what he thinks. we have a spare room with its own full bathroom, and i am a stay at home mom. if we kept familiar furnishings here for her, maybe it would make her feel more at home and at least she would be around people who arent paid to care for her (i know thats unfair but i have some bad memories from when i was a kid of nursing homes). we could even take her dogs, we already have her cat. i have agreed to be civil to my FIL if he would let us take care of her until we could no longer take care of her. like to the point of hospice. did anyone take classes to help with caretaking? i believe we have everything here to care for her with, all we need is a visiting nurse. i just cant see her go to a home. with people talking to themselves and just people everywhere. we go see it on saturday and i dont know what else we can do. would you say no if one of your children offered? knowing what you know about caretaking? i know it is extreme, but i cant see that happen to her. FIL cant/wont take care of her, someone has to, and i cant see it being a nursing home.
carly, have you read "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins? That's kind of the "bible" for AD, a very helpful book that tells you much of what you need to know to care for an AD patient. You can get it at Amazon.com and a lot of other places, paperback, very inexpensive (less than $10). That might give you an idea of what it would be like.
You are very sweet to be thinking of doing this, but it will be very, very difficult. Others can tell you more of what to expect than I can -- my beloved husband isn't doing too badly yet, and the only times I cared for my mother were after she was in a nursing home. And I don't have any children to consider.
But -- speaking of being paid ... if you DO end up deciding to take care of her, then you by all means should demand that your FIL pay not only for her basic necessities (room and board, clothing, medicines, anything you have to do to your house to make it suitable for your MIL, etc), and in-home help (which you will need, and which can get very expensive), but ALSO for your time and effort. Many caregivers "charge" their loved ones for the work that they do, and it would be a very reasonable thing for you to do, especially under the circumstances.
Carly: You are making your feelings very clear, and I can't really argue with the way you feel about your MIL. However, from experience, just taking care of my DH, I would not recommend an AD person in a home with small children. You will find yourself short-changing them as your MIL comtinues to need more and more of your time. Some have said that it was a good experience for their children to have an AD g'parent in the home, maybe they are right, but you only have 24 hours a day and an AD person, as the book says, needs 36.
I took care of an aunt who had terminal cancer when she was past 90. My children were teenagers and I worked parttime for about a week that. She was deaf so the noise of teens didn't bother here - BUT - that was only for 8 weeks and it was really enough! I just can't imagine trying to have an AD person ADDED to a household already busy and probably stressed. I'm the one who mentioned that you have to 'give from your overflow'. Unless you are wonderwoman, my guess is this is asking too much of yourself.
let me explain my situation before i get any further. i am a stay at home mom, my husband works 8-5, and i have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. besides a huge problem with my back yard that is almost resolved, i have nothing else to do other than to clean up after my kids. my husband cooks dinner and i make them breakfast and lunch. he does dishes and laundry. so i literally have nothing to do but garden and clean. my house and my garden is my job. i would expect FIL to take full financial responsibility of her, but i would not mind at all taking care of her medical care, like having doctors visits or preparing for what ever the nurse needed. as long as he paid for her care i am good with spending time and "sweat equity" to take care of her. my kids adore her even though she is very different. they used to take care of my daughter for 2 weeks at a time for the first year after she was born while i was still in college. they have done so much for me personally. she is literally the nicest person i have ever met (but not many people can say that about their MIL). but i really think i could do it, and i just dont want to see her in a home. and if it did not work out then the home is always there, you know. i will go get that book tonight, whats the worst that could happen? it doesnt work out and she will end up in a home anyways? at least this way i would feel like this was the last option.
carly - does your husband also have AD? There are so many threads now that I think I am getting mixed up. You know your situation and as you said, you could always change your mind if it was too much. I guess we think that all who post here are overwhelmed...
no, my husband is 28 and i am 27. it is his mother with the AD. I am just on here because it is problems with her husband ( my FIL) that i needed help with in the first place. He has moved on with his life and bought a house 2 hours away literally next to his "girlfriend" and her family. right next door. FIL still is trying to keep up the story about jobs not working out, and just being all together pathetic. "cheating caregiver" post is mine. now he wants to put her in a home after he promised he wouldnt. she is the one we are worried about. i just feel like this is our last option. ya know. literally right now my life is not that overwhelmed, other than my back yard problem, but that is almost over (i hope) and i think if he wont take care of her we can rather than putting her in a home.
Carly, we are older than you (I'm a couple of years older than your mil) and most of us have raised our children, and know from years of experience that if you are devoting the time and energy to teach and train your children and take them to the park and the museum and give them the lessons that they need that school doesn't provide, not to mention dance class, tennis lessons, etc. you would realize that there are not enough hours in the day to care for two generations and take care of yourself and your husband.
To take care of your MIL, no matter how you much you love her, will deprive your children of your time during an important period of their lives. If I were your mil, no matter how much I loved you, I would not want to be living in your home (my grandkids, no matter how quiet that they try to be, after two weeks, I'm ready for peace and quiet).
For an alternative, could your husband make the arrangements with his father for his father to furnish the funds for a comfort keeper 24/7 in her house for her, where you and the children could visit for a couple of hours each day? That way you could make certain that she is okay, being well cared for, and you could still have your family with your activities at home?
How does your husband feel about all of this? He was very hesitant at first, if I remember your earlier comments....Could taking her into your home create problems for your marriage? Having to put MIL before your husband, even if it is his mother? I'm just throwing these scenarios out so that you can see if any of this needs to be considered by you. No one can fully understand another's situation, because our minds and hearts are different.
I hope you get and read the 36 Hour Day before you make your decision. You have a good heart. (And a great husband if he works all day and comes home and cooks dinner too!) LOL
i am at page 94 in the 36 hour day i was up until 4 am reading it. it hasnt scared me off yet. my husband and i are rock solid. i think it would make me angrier at the whole thing if we did not try. it was my idea in the first place and i told him i would do it. she deserves better than her selfish husband is willing to give her, and the care giver idea was what we were going to try to tell him in a week and a half, and then the nursing home thing popped up for this weekend. it is obvious to me that he wants the money back from his house here to pay off the mortgage he got on the house up there. she has 2 dogs, too. i think they are one of the reasons she is still hanging in there. her cat was put to sleep last week and it has been a really rapid decline since then. also i have wondered, we have a very nice finished basement also with a full bath , that is much larger than the bath off of that room. it could be like an apartment for her. (new construction house, so its not a dungeon) we already have a tv mounted on the wall where the kids play their video games, and a little living room set up down there. i wonder if she would be happier having her own space away from the kids where she could keep her dogs and have her privacy. it is also a walk out so she could go outside in the fenced yard and sit or if she wanted to try she could take care of some plants, like the potted ones she still can keep up with. that way she could have her space and we could keep a close eye on her and help her when ever she needs help. and it has plenty of windows also, and a pergo floor that would be super easy to clean up any messes. it is painted bright green right now for the kids play room, but that is easily changed to something more relaxing and soothing. and it would fit more of her furnishings so she could feel more at home. would anyone recommend a trial run anyways?
and yes, my husband is wonderful, besides, i really am a bad cook, he wont eat it if i cook, and he really enjoys cooking. no offense to my dad, but he showed me exactly what not to look for in a man, lol!
another thing, we have an alarm with chimes when ever a door is opened, so i can know if she was going in and out, and we have wireless cameras, indoor and outdoor, with portable monitors (i went over board with the security when my 2 year old was born)and i could set up an intercom for her also so she just has to push a button if she needs something.
carly, you really sound like a wonderful person. You've done a lot of thinking and planning, and are so very thoughtful. And, as has been said, if you try and it doesn't work out, well, then you can adjust your strategy.
But I am a bit worried that you do not understand what you're getting into ... For example, many people have posted on the Alz Assoc site that they've tried gadgets like intercoms, and they don't work, because the AD patient does not understand how to use them.
May I suggest that you try looking at some of the threads over on the Alz Assoc web site:
http://alzheimers.infopop.cc/eve/forums
Use the "find" button in the purple bar at the top to look for threads that talk about caregiver burnout, caregiver depression, etc., and also ones that talk about how AD can affect children. There's a thread called "I'm angry", it was active pretty recently.
Every patient is different, and perhaps your MIL will never develop any of the really bad symptoms. But there is a fair chance that she will. I think (people, correct me if I'm wrong) that something like one-third of AD patients develop symptoms such as unreasonable rage, hallucinations, etc.
Me, I am going to do everything I possibly can to take care of my husband to the end. But I don't have young children to consider.
if she cant use it it is no big deal, i wouldnt expect her to after her vcr died and she could not make new memories to use a new one. she just has given up on it. its not a huge deal, if it doesnt work, it doesnt work right? she wont remember it long enough to make a difference if it doesnt. i find myself being more objecive about the disease rather than someone who may have been close and would be hurt by comments, or anger directed at someone for no reason. i never really knew her well. because of the agorophobia and my being scared of all parents when i was a teenager, we never really were close. i do know the person she was though, and know that if something does happen its not her, its the disease. my daughter is excited that grandma might be living with us. i think the 2 year old is indifferent. he kind of just ignores her when we go over on wednesdays and she eventually nods off. my 6 year old doesnt know what is going on, just that grandma is different. she does get a look on her face when they come over like she recognizes them even though i know she does not, but she has always loved kids. its worth a shot...... if my fil can relenquish control, which he has a hard time doing even though every one of his actions are just damaging. maybe he will realize what he had once it is gone... who knows.
Carly, you are wonderful to care so much about your MIL. But please, please, don't do this. She will not be in this stage forever. Most of us have to sleep with our loved ones to help them find their way to the bathroom at night. We have to shower with them. My husband hallucinates at night and talks for hours to imaginary people. I am so tired in the mornings I can't do anything for myself. I sometimes don't have the energy to walk the dogs. I don't eat right. I ended up in the hospital recently for transfusions because I had not been taking care of myself. I can't read a book, I can't paint a picture. All I want to do is sleep. It would be tragic for your children if you ended up like us. It all depends on what stage the AD person is in. And unless she dies of something else, she will go through all the stages. She will become incontinent. You will have to change diapers and bathe her. I have a friend whose MIL would wipe feces on the walls. You do not want your children exposed to this. If you really don't have anything else to do, please place her in an assisted living place that has step-down to a NH. Go visit her every day. Take her to ride. But don't keep her in your home. Wishing you the best.
I completely agree with every word Bebe said. Do NOT bring your MIL into your house. Place her in a facility and let the professionals handle it. Your children DO NOT need to be exposed to this disease. Believe me, your daughter will not be so excited about Grandma living with you after a few weeks, and your first priorities lie with your children.
Carly please do not do this. You do not at this point realize that if she goes through all stages she will even forget how to wash her hands, brush her teeth, eat her food, toilet herself, find her way from one room in the house to another and the list goes on and on. By the time you situate her into the downstairs apartment it will change, by the time you make one provision for care it will change again, you will never be prepared because it changes so gradual but yet so fast. It will be 24/7. You will not be able to leave her alone for one minute, you will not be able to care for your children the way they will need to be cared for especially when you have to take them places.
Our grandson is 14, he has always loved and been around his grandfather (my husband) The last time he asked to spend the night with us I had to tell our daugher I did not want him to come due to the morning problems I have with Jim. I do not want our grandson to remember Jim the way he is now. The visits he now has with our grandson are on good days so that he will not see Jim with the problems that we face daily. It will ruin all your lives if you do this.
I am caring for a husband, and that seems right for me. BUT, if I were to get AD as a widow, or in your case, a FIL who is deserting a MIL - I would WANT to go to a NH. Let the professionals take care of it. I am guessing if your MIL KNEW what you were planning and KNEW how she would become she wouldn't want you to do it either.
I'm dealing with a much earlier stage than the people who have already begged you not to do this. At this point you don't know what stage your mother-in-law is actually in. I can't tell you what to do, but after you finish reading that book, if you think you need to bring her into your home temporarily for her own safety, do that, with the understanding that in as little as 6 months you might need to place her.
Understand that all of us spousal caregivers are in a bind that you are not in. And all of us have at least mild depression. You have options we do not have, and if your MIL is as far advanced as we think she might be from what you have written here, we would all prefer that you take those options.
A lot of the people who have written here are seeing you as if you were our daughter. I'm on another online support group where we get regular posts from daughter caregivers who are at the end of their ropes because this disease has stolen their lives. It is one thing for my life to get stolen at 67. It is another for the life of a 30-something or 20-something to be stolen by this disease.
A lot of us who are grandparents are really worried about what this disease is going to do to your kids as well. It won't be good.
we had been looking for advice about this, i value your opions, your perspective is one i could not get anywhere else. i will have to think harder about this decision and scrutinize details that i may have glossed over. i also need to talk to a professional, because with all of the caution everyone is putting out there, i need to talk to someone who would be able to lay out our capacity to care for someone. we were going to look at the home objectively, take it for face value with no preconceived notions. there was a fiber somewhere in my being that wants it all to be alright and to work out and to just be the best option, but i have so many reservations and just want the best care for her, and if that is not going to be with us, then i will accept that.
but.... yesterday FIL called us to make sure my husband was still taking MIL dinner because she had apparently told him that FIL was going to be home and not to bother. i told him i would make sure he took it over and if he had believed MIL to go back over after he got home to take it to her anyways. then FIL asked me if i had looked at the website of that NH and i told him i had looked at it a bit, and i had actually talked to them before when i was compiling a list of information for him to try to help lighten his load, that my husband was going to give to him. then he asked if i had an opinion, and i hesitated, and said i didnt want to tell him, then he said to just tell him and i did "you told us you would never put her in a home" then he started with the "things are changed now she is so much more worse off, and home care is at a minimum $17 /hr thats 17 X 24 X 365. i told him we had already done the math and we understood. he then told me the NH was either $7k or $4k (i cant remember)/month and that they may be able to provide her better quality of life rather than a home nurse would. then i asked if he was still going to move to (the city 100 miles away) if he puts her in the home and he said he had not even thought about it, and that he could not even think about that now. then i said something else and he stopped me and said "i dont think i could live in that house with out her, it would just be so sad, you know?" then i said okay, let me just put this out there to clear the air "we know about (the city 100 miles away)" he said what do you know about (city) ?" i said we know that you have bought a house there" he said "what house?" i said "the house on (street), and we know the (last name of his other family) live next door" then he asked how i knew this and i told him he had been acting so strangely that i looked it up. then he went into full compulsive liar mode saying : well i bought that house with the intention of having mom move up with me; i could sell that house on the market like that; i paid under market value for it, and it came on the market and it was such a good opportunity i couldnt pass it up; it doesnt matter now because things have changed and i have already rented it out. all of which are not true. i have checked. all the while he was saying this i kept telling him that he did not have to explain anything to me, i dont judge him for his decisions, and what he does is his business. i just wished he would have stopped trying to come up with stuff to justify it, it was pathetic. he did not seem mad or at all angry or seething for that matter at that point, and i told him we were going to look at the nursing home objectively, and we wanted to talk to him after we went to the NH (i had been planning on asking him if we could try to take care of her with a nurse monitoring her if it all was not up to our satisfaction that they would do a better job than we would. just what i had been posting on here. ) i asked him about her dogs and he ended the conversation making plans to meet for lunch after the NH.
15 mins later he called back, my husband answered, and the first thing out of his nmouth was"what the f*** is going on?" he tore into my husband and accused him of everything under the sun, berated him and just kept up making excuses that are all not true, then he started in about money and how we were so ungrateful. never in my husbands life has his dad ever even cussed in front of him, needless to say never at him. he just said a whole bunch of hurtful things and topped it all off with you should take her and see how you like it. or you can move in with her and take care of her. (we had not ever mentioned that or ever hinted at it). it was like he had a running tab of every dollar he had spent on us that he didnt feel we deserved, and was just throwing it all in our face. he acted like one of those people on the tv show cheaters who get caught and then try to fight the person who caught them or the host who had nothing to do with it.
i am scared now that he will do something drastic, like change the locks on his house or just throw her in there with out letting us have any access to her. the only thing that is working on our side is that he is so busy that hopefully he wont have time to do that, or make the effort. also he doesnt think my husbands brother knows yet either. i am also scared he will try to do something to us, no i am not joking. i double checked all of the doors last night and even considered turning on the alarm that has never been turned on since we owned it (we just use it for the door chime) . i am at a loss.
this brings me to my next point, i think there is a possibility that this is a symptom of dimentia. all of the compulsive lying and story telling and fits and money management, it all seems to be a lot to just take as someone dealing with stress. i cant imagine what this would end up at if this is the case but how do you even bring that up to someone who is clearlynot thinking straight and thinks you are the enemy.
Carly-looks like you've got double trouble. Let me begin with the easy one. My kids are now in their 40's. When they were in their teens I brought my MIL to my house when neighbors found her wandering. My kids still remember how traumatized they were to see their grandma acting so strangely. Now-your FIL-could he also being showing signs of dementia. He probably won't consent to a medical/psych eval. You may have to watch and document his behaviour. I had to let my DH self destruct and be Baker Acted before I could get him into care. This is a terrible way to have to go.
Carly-the Baker Act is a legal method of getting an unwilling person into care. He/she must be a documented danger to himself or others. It can be started by and MD, certified social worker or as in my husband's case the police. You can Google Baker Act to learn more. My spouse was Baker Acted three times before I knew in my heart that for his and my safety he had to be placed. He went from a psych unit directly to a facility. The first facility had to again Baker Act him back to psych because they couldn't handle him. This has been a nightmake. Please know what you may be getting into.
im glad you let me know about that, and i am so sorry about your situation. i think i will leave that to his girlfriend if that is the road he is going down. she deserves everything she gets...
The Baker Act is more specifically in Florida. But many other such policies have been enacted in other states under other names. To find yours, Google: assisted outpatient treatment + California, for example.
Whether your FIL is indeed heading into dementia or just a total flaming jerk, you need legal help.
Since you are caring and compassionate enough to be considering taking your MIL into your home, then I assume that you and your husband would be willing to be her conservators. You and he should talk about this with a good elder care lawyer, and the sooner the better.
Your FIL is obviously not going to do what is best for his wife, only what is best for himself. You need the power of the law on your side -- the legal authority to be the ones to make decisions for her care and well-being, and the power to make him provide the wherewithal, whether he wants to or not.
Document everything -- all the money he is funneling away from her, the misuse of his POA, the long periods he leaves her totally alone and without adequate food in the house, the fact that you and your husband and his brother are the ones who are caring for her, the fact that you've begged him to take her to the doctor and he won't, his lying to you, his yelling at your husband, all of it.
I agree, you don't want to take on the care of your FIL on top of trying to care for your MIL, no matter what his problem really is. But you do need to know what your rights are, and what legal steps you need to take, and what can and cannot be done to protect her -- and yourself, and your family.