I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and read the weekend blog. We all need to take time to pull ourselves out of the depths of despair and remember the positive aspects that still exist in our lives. Please read the blog, and tell us about something positive in your life.
Good blog Joan. As you know I am a very avid proponent of having a Positive Mental Attitude. I posted a thread, "PMA for CAREGIVERS" on May 26 and referred to a sermon which I am trying to get a link for since the other link has changed. I know you ask us to not talk about Religions Topics but I still think that God is a big help in this area of positive thinking. Many of you that posted for that thread did not find a way to think about anyting good about AD. But there are so many other things going on in our lifes that are very good and so many have to do with our beliefs and faith. Thanks for your blog. bill
Joan, I read your blog and I do not have children, ergo no grandchildren! My best friend lives in Ohio and we are in South Carolina so that's another "no help". Fortunately right now we don't need any help as far as DH goes. I am thinking about getting someone to clean my bathrooms and kitchen to save my back, once it starts to hurt it is that way all day and night.
BTW, I did as you suggested about closing my eyes and thinking what I wanted to do. Everything I thought of was things I can do at home and I would like to come up with something to get out of the house for a while.
Billeld's PMA thread rang a bell with me and I responded when stuff happened that knocked my PMA down. I did bounce back though and that goes with Joans blog this weekend. We can't afford to focus on, even wallow in, the negative going on. We have to deal with that but we must work hard at every positive action,happening,goal we can attempt to achieve. For me just lately one thing has been the effort to stop DH's smoking. Had to watch for highly possible negative side effects (didn't happen), need to stay watchful that quitting sticks; but he has been smoke free since August 27th. Pretty good for breaking a forty five year habit, especially with his severe losses in the decision and commitment areas. Was given 4 hrs. respite time per month back in June--just for ME--not for Dr. appts, other appts. At first I truly had no clue what to do with it--it had been so long since the opportunity to do something independently and just for me had been available I had forgotten the concept. I'm finding my way to using that new ME time and it's wonderful! And, since coming to this site I've found new friends and listening ears who understand, support, and care what's going on and will jump in with advice, sharing and hugs as needed. E-mailing friends and coming here are a pick-me-up everyday.
Carosi, that's fantastic. I'd been wondering how y'all were doing!
This morning I read a book review of Barbara Erenreich's latest book, Bright-Sided, and it really resonated with me. I'm not normally a GLOOMY person, but I *am* skeptical and have always been rather amused with the Norman Vincent Peale "Power of Postive Thinking" school.* Read this review:
http://tinyurl.com/ykuprct
and tell me what you think of it.
This isn't to say that we can't be optimists.. but apparently Erenreich makes the argument that there's been so much "magical realism" around that it's affected our ability to face things rationally. One of the things I love about this website is that we ARE rational and realistic about what's going on in our lives. I'm looking forward to reading her book, though.
That article talks about throwing away all negative thinking in relation to a life crisis, and that positive thinking can help cure your ills. That is NOT what I was advocating in my blog. I am simply saying that in the midst of our difficult situations, it's nice to take time out to be thankful for whatever good parts there are in our lives. We tend to forget the good when we are dealing with the bad. In the blog, I listed some of the good things in our lives that we may want to remember to be thankful for.
briegull, I read the article. The NY Times hasn't removed it as yet.
The article was interesting, and sounds like it understands what the author's book was about. As for the book itself, I haven't read it, and won't.
Every day I try to say, at least once, a prayer/affirmation. Phineas Parkhurst Quimby, by the way wasn't a New Age faith healer. He might have been a faith healer, or not. I don't know. But New Age is a mid-20th Century phenomena and NEW THOUGHT, which is what Mr. Quimby was teaching is an early 19th Century religious movement. The prayer/affirmation I use is mainly from Unity Church which is a late New Thought Church.
I'm not going into the ways and wherefores of what I believe. The above is a history lesson and not a religious lesson. But I'm pretty sure that saying that prayer/affirmation (mostly typing it rather than saying it) has had an effect on my life. It is a reminder that everything going on in my world isn't all bad.
It is too bad that Erenreich found positive thinking, or what she thought positive thinking was, counter productive. But I don't think negative thinking, even if you insist on calling it "realistic" thinking is useful. And it is possible that the person who suggested that she needed therapy was right. Personally I think therapy is useful stuff, and just wish I could figure out a way to get back into it myself.
Based on what I know about the book from reading the article, I agree with Erenreich. I think that she's right that those who emphasize positive thinking are asking people to be unrealistic and are "blaming" the victim. But . . . I also think it's possible to be too negative. Being realistic means seeing both the positive and the negative in life, appreciating the positive and finding ways of coping with the negative. I don't like being around consistently negative people, but I also don't like being around people who don't see any negatives. In fact, the only way situations change for the better is when someone sees negatives (say racial discrimination) and works to change it.
Well, I think that we encounter a lot of people who "think positively" about ALzheimers - that there's a cure right around the corner, isn't there? That it's just a memory problem. That they'll "get better." I do not think that is realistic.
No way do I think positively about Alzheimer's. It is the most destructive disease I know of to both the patient, patient's family, friends. and of course the caregiver. I have also pos;ted elsewhere about my goal to keep my DW "Happy!!!!" I can not do it at all times but I try. There are things she does not like and I try to stear clear those areas. She did not do this on purpose and instead of punishing her, arguing with her or just getting mad at her is to no avail. Of course I do lose it just like we all do but I am trying to do the best I can. I can not let it get me down.
But--------I also have found a way to take advantage of our situation. I do have a lot of Christian friends who have read "Carol's Blog" and look at me with a degree of respect, admiration, a loyal, and good husband, and mostly someone who is doing what is right. I can not disassociate it from my faith and I do not try to. I am angry, but not at God. I still pray for a cure but most of all I pray that I can be a good witness to my friends mand even strangers. Some of them are now beginning to share our story to others. I have tried to write about my faith for Joan's book but I am not a gifted writer and had trouble tying the ends together. Maybe she and her editor can make sence of what I feel and am trying to convey to others. Thanks for listening to me. bill
I think one of the saints said that "all is grace". Meaning that it is a lesson or challenge we are meant to "grow" from.
A book I read was about someone in a concentration camp that was filty, fleas. Because of the fleas and filth, the guards didn't come by too often. The author - Corrie Ten Boom - said that gave the prisoners - women - relief from the mistreatment of the guards as well as time to learn from each other. In other words - grace.
I used to work for Hospice with terminally ill children. They had to go through awful procedures and many times I was present. When I get down, I think of what those tiny little innocent children had to endure and it makes me feel very fortunate in the gifts that I have been given. Now, remind me of this when I come on these boards whining. :-).
So I try to think positively. Does that mean that I think my husband is not going to die? No it doesn't. What I pray for is one of the easier deaths that are sometimes possible with this group of diseases for him. What I pray for is that the disease will not kill ME too.
What I notice is that I've got some joys in my life and some blessings even though I'm caregiving a man with dementia. I suppose I could ignore those things and call it being "realistic." But I prefer to notice that I've got great doctors, a wonderful daughter, SIL and grandson, neighbors who have gone out of their way to be kind to me although they didn't know me from Adam a few years ago and there is no way for me to pay them back at this point in my life, etc. I notice that I've got this group and a few others online that fill my day with some pleasure and comfort. That there are books that take me out of this world for a while as well. Is it really REALISTIC to pretend these things are not also true?
And I still think that if someone is told they need therapy and refuses to get any you might just take anything they say about "positive thinking" with a grain of salt. It is also obvious to me that she doesn't understand the theory behind positive thinking. It doesn't mean that you pretend the dementia, or the cancer, doesn't exist. It means that you find a way to make quality of life for the patient and caregivers as good as you can make it. If it is a disease where cures are possible you cooperate with the doctors trying to cure you, and if not, you take whatever you can take to make life easier.
Starling's comment is perfect- "It doesn't mean that you pretend the dementia, or the cancer, doesn't exist. It means that you find a way to make quality of life for the patient and caregivers as good as you can make it. If it is a disease where cures are possible you cooperate with the doctors trying to cure you, and if not, you take whatever you can take to make life easier."
Look around your life. In the midst of the dementia, there are some good things to be thankful for.
We cant change whats happening to our lives or our spouses but we can make changes in the way we think about it and how we act while we are under its force.- divvi
Bill: You said some things that I needed to hear right now. Thank you for putting your thoughts on this website. Otherwise, you would never had known how much they helped the rest of us.