I do not like to ask for directions to someplace or for help. I guess I am from Venus (or Mars, one or the other) and I have been referred to as "stubborn old man" which I deny. Anyhow, Joan recently moved and described the pros and cons, ups and downs, in detail. Very good.
I am now having to back up one more notch and the question is: Do we move from our home to where our children, grandchildren, my DW's bothers and sister etc. live. We moved from their 35 years ago and was never so glad to get out of anyplace in our lives. Her family( three bros, 1 sister) doesn't like each other and they fight like cats and dogs. They have always been this way and they aren't going to change. My DW is the only one that can get along with all of them and she isn't in any shape anymore to put up with their petty nonsense. Each one used to call her about who hurt their feelings that day and she would cry because she wanted them to get along and like each other. Two of the brothers go to church together and won't even speak.
On the other hand, our children think that I should move their Mother closer to them while she still knows them and can visit with them. They also want to "help" me take care of their Mother, which I doubt would happen very much. They are precious children and never caused us any problem, but, I really don't want to know when they are having a disagreement or running short on money. I feel bad, but, with my problems they will just have to take care of their own. Maybe I am becoming selfish, but, I hope not.
As someone discussed recently, I am the only one to make this decision. I can't discuss it with my DW because she can't understand the implications. As you know also, she has incurable cancer and will have to have some sort of treatments the rest of her life. We think that we have the world's best Oncologist (might not, but, we think so) and we don't want to change. We also have good neighbors, dear friends, a good little church and we are making life as good as we can under the circumstances. Altz. is our biggest problem right now and that isn't going to go away no matter where we live.
(Can I please have a time-out? My DW is across the hall crying her eyes out and she doesn't know why. Hope to be right back).
Things are better now.
So - To move or not to move- that is the question? I think I can handle the mechanics if I can just make a decision. I am thinking about leasing our home to the son of some dear friends and then renting something their for a year to see how things work out. Another thing to consider is that my DW can no longer take care of a house and can't cook. About the only thing she does is laundry many times per day and uses detergent like it is going out of style. But, thats Ok. if thats the biggest problem I have that day On the other hand, I love to work in the yard, plant flowers, mow etc., just anything to be in the out of doors. So, what would we move into? I do not want another apartment, but, do I give up my wants?
I wish somebody would just make the decision and tell me what I should do, but, I know that that isn't going to happen. What if we move and don't like living their at all.
Den--you have answered your own question in your post, I think. You have home where you are happy and comfortable. You have good medical care, friends and neighbors and a church. You can connect with srvicxes to help you with your wife's care as thigs progress. Why would you want to disrupt that, even if only for a 1 years trial, probably going into an apartment you won't be happy with, to deal with relatives who don't get along? You said the kids want you to move closer, whle she still knows them and they can help--but you doubt there will be much help. Plus you really don't want to deal with their problems--something you avoid by being where you are.
It is not selfish to want a home and environment that allows you to care for your wife and have some life for yourself too. You could go for a visit if you want. The kids can come for visits if they really want to see their Mom and you. Some LOs have real problems dealing with a move. Something temporary, would mean 2 moves. Are you really up to that? Just restated much of what you said. I think you can see you have a decision in mind. Consider it validated.
"Good neighbors, good friends, and a dear little church" sound like excellent reasons to stay put. I am in a similar boat - all family live hundreds of miles away in several states - adult children take turns visiting us - and it is working out very well so far. As I speak, my DH's middle son is here for a few days and his daughter arrives on Saturday for one week. I also think that moving would be significantly difficult for my DH.
Dear Dean, The two most stressful life events are losing a spouse and moving. You're already dealing with one so don't compound your problems. If you're happy where you are, stay there for all the reasons you listed. I didn't see one positive in your reasons to relocate. There are so many life changing decisions we all have to make...why not put this on the back burner for now? Take care. cs
Dean, It sounds as if staying where you are will be best for both of you. Any kind of change upsets AD spouses and they seem to loose a lot. Since we moved here 4 years ago, my DH cannot remember where anything is.(Even where the dishes go. If he ever unloads the dishwasher, I have to rearrange everything. We have 3 children living nearby. They have spouses, kids, jobs, lives. They come when we need them, but day to day, they have many things going on. Your wife's brothers and sisters seem ingrained in their own dramas. Take care.
Dean: When I need to make a decision, just as Joan did, I like to try & think of the pros & cons, which you have so eloquently already done above, but here's the "compact" version: CONS: "We moved from their 35 years ago and was never so glad to get out of anyplace in our lives"; " Her family( three bros, 1 sister) doesn't like each other and they fight like cats and dogs. They have always been this way and they aren't going to change"; "My DW is the only one that can get along with all of them and she isn't in any shape anymore to put up with their petty nonsense"; your children: "want to "help" me take care of their Mother, which I doubt would happen very much"; "I do not want another apartment".
PROS: Your children: "They are precious children and never caused us any problem" (This can stay this way, and as someone said, them visiting or you visiting vs. moving) "We think that we have the world's best Oncologist (might not, but, we think so) and we don't want to change. We also have good neighbors, dear friends, a good little church and we are making life as good as we can under the circumstances. Altz. is our biggest problem right now and that isn't going to go away no matter where we live." "I love to work in the yard, plant flowers, mow etc., just anything to be in the out of doors"
I will echo the sentiments of those above and say absolutely not, on moving...and NO, you are not being selfish or "giving up your wants"...You are being very SELF-LESS in all of this and doing the best you can by being the very best care-giving spouse you can be...thinking of your DH and her needs is wonderful and you are doing it very well! Offering yourself a little "outdoors time" and "walking away from others issues that you cannot control & don't want to be a part of at this time" is not selfish! It's called survival in the Alzheimer's world! I hope this is helpful to you...I have a feeling you will make the best decision for both your DW and yourself ~
Dean, one more thing. As your DW gets sicker and sicker the one thing you will be able to keep doing to have your own life is go out and plant those flowers. I still get to play on my computer and read books and I'm trying (not quite succeeding yet, but I haven't given up) to start a cross stitch project.
Dean, just like Joan my husband and I moved back to our home town that we left 24 yrs. ago. We were happy to leave there then and loved the place we made home for the last 16 years. The same questions went thru my mind. Should we move? If so, when. My husband has EOAD and is not able to help with or remember the upkeep of our home. We have been caregiver to our youngest son for the last 16 years due to him having a car accident and being disabled with many health issues. Now we have the demon of EOAD to deal with. I could go on but we made the decision to move back to where my dh has family. They are the ones helping us. Now all three of our sons live in the town we just left but only the disabled son was helping me with his father. I feel guilt that our sons are not here, but I am thankful for the help and encouragement that my dh's family is giving us. I agree that if the kids want to see us they will visit. They are younger and more able to travel than we are.
I am sure you will make the best decision but I also think that you have a great support group right where you are. If I had that we would not have moved. But just remember things happen for a reason and when receiving strength to make this decision others will be watching to pick you up when you need it. God Bless and Keep you in the decision you make.
Dean, this is something I ponder about as well and there are days when I think we should move.. to scale down..to reduce the upkeep and the frustration that is here because DH can't do some of the things he's always done. From what you've described, it surely sounds like you'd be giving up a whole lot of life quality to go through such a move. Its hard to think of moving with the certainty of conflict and unpleasantness to be endured along with the difficiulties of this awful disease. Yikesss..
Please accept my Thanks to all of you for your helpful suggestions. I wondered if anybody has made such a move and then regretted it.
The situation isn't going to go very far away, but, I have pushed it back for the time being. I am going to try to travel there a lot and see how DW adapts etc. I also have to wonder where we would live. She can't take care of our home anymore, and if she has to go into a NH, I don't want to have a house that I don't want to live in in a town that I might not want to live in.
However, I am certain, that if and when she goes into a NH, it will be in the city where her family and our children live. They deserve to be able to come and see her often.
Thank you again and I hope you are having a good day.
Dean, I remember when my MIL spent the last year of her life in the NH. This was 35 years ago. She was heavily medicated and not able to communicate. We very rarely went to see her even though she just was a mile away. I'm ashamed of the fact now but I wonder if the same thing might not be true of your children and her relatives. We assume that they would want to spend time with her--but would they really do it?
The question about moving has been on my (and our) minds since diagnosis. Thanks for the dialog. My conclusion is the same, I think. We will stay in our home of 33 years for as long as I can take care of her. After that, we will see.
Ditto, Dave. Has also been on my mind and friends and relatives in Michigan (where we lived before we moved to TN 6 years ago) have all urged us to move back. All the postings have helped me come to the same conclusion. Dean, I know you will make the best decision for the two of you.
Dean, you are happy where you are living, consider staying there. On the subject of putting her in a nursing home close to the family. My girlfriend's father did that with his second wife and the kids rarely visited her and because he was 4 hours away, he didn't get to see her often either. That choice that he made turned out to not work out as he had envisioned it. We, the spouses will make an effort to see our loved ones as often as we can, it is different for other members of the family as they also have their own lives.