It is Sunday , I went to church then to lunch with a friend but now am home for the rest of the day and dreading the night all by myself. I have insomnia and so the hours stretch out so terribly long.
Now that I don't go to the NH since my dh death, I am having to find activities to fill the lonely hours. I honestly wonder if I can live by myself in this house for the rest of my life. I don't want to go into assisted living and don't want to give my house u p. I am going to visit my son in Texas for a week which will help, have joined a s upport group and plan to get started on Christmsas projects.
I can get by the days but the nights are so lonely!! Do you have any suggestions for me?
Joyful, I have no experience and I probably have years and years to go as caregiver, but already I'm worried about being alone later, and wondering if I can stay in this big house by myself. I think I would for a while, but eventually move to a smaller place in a more central and populated part of town. There is an area here with small homes within walking distance of shops and the metro; a widow and a divorcee that I know have moved there. That's my idea right now.
I think I was worried about coping with being alone because of some of the postings here but also because of a book I have just read: "Eleanor RIgby" (remember the Beatles song?) by Douglas Coupland. Entirely different situation from ours, but the loneliness is so graphically described that I could almost feel it.
It sounds to me that you are doing well organizing some activities. As for lonely evenings: The thing that helps to pass time enjoyably is to find that thing to do which can provide you with "flow" -- getting so caught up in an activity that you don't want to stop. It can be provided by a good book, good movie, but more creative activities work better. I have a friend who finds flow in painting and drawing. (She takes classes) I find flow in a crazy thing (and not so creative) which is doing jigsaw puzzles. I'm a fanatic, but avoid it pretty much because I get so carried away I don't want to do anything else, and DH gets restless. So I've always thought that if I came to have to spend long evenings alone, I'd really go whole hog.
After a life time of working, week ends alone are very difficult. No longer are those days anything to look forward to. Seeing couples enjoying their time together really makes me feel lonely.
I agree bluedaze. The worst is the comfortable patter between spouses as they are carrying out routines like cooking together or planning for the day. The silly, small stuff that I always took for granted. My house has become so quiet - if you don't count the 5 or 6 times you hear, "So what are the plans for today?" and my answer that is always the same.
I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. A friend of mine is also a recent widow, and she says the same thing - the nights are the loneliest.
There are the usual suggestions - keep busy doing what you love - your poetry and writing, but the truth is that this is something you have to get through, just like you got through AD with your husband. You have to grieve on your own timetable until you find the light at the end of the tunnel. And there is one. I have spoken to many widows/widowers who tell me so, but it takes everyone a different amount of time.
You mentioned a support group - I am assuming it is a widow/widower support group. Please keep going. They are very valuable in helping you cope.
I have taken your post and put it under the Widow/Widower topic, in hopes that those with the experience will see it and answer you.
Joyful, before I started taking my antidepressant, I was feeling terribly lonely, in the abyss a lot, even crying because of it, just being miserable I felt so alone. But after being on the med, even though I am still alone, for some reason it just doesn't bother me. I think the med, plus accepting the probability that I will always be alone, and maybe joining a gym and going there twice a week, have all kind of made it go away. I do look forward to making some new friends, male and female, through some future activities, but that won't stop the empty house at night but it doesn't seem to bother me. I think dwelling on the fact that now you're alone makes it worse. Activities, indoor and out, with other human contact gives you a sense of purpose, whether it's creating something or helping others in need. And, of course, there are all your friends here, to share the good and the bad of your life now. I pray that you, too, will find the peace and comfort you need.
Joyful*. as you know, I usually give advice based upon what I have experienced. I have not yet lost my husband, but I lost Diane, my daughter who lived with me for over the last 5 years - as my best friend and co-caregiver. No two people could have been as close. I am staying busy - with work - with trying to help others - with trying not to think about what I've lost - with trying to just recall the fun things for now. Later, I'll think about the rest. But for this year, I HAVE to hold myself together for my husband and my sanity.
There are some who gain friendships in support groups for those who have lost spouses (spice) and I'm sure that there are a couple in your area that you can attend. Also, if you find someone who is more lonely, then by helping them you could help yourself.
There are no easy paths for mourning those we lose. But they would not want us to be miserable either. They have gone to a better place to wait for us, so it is up to us to treasure their memories, and for us to make new friends and make a new life for ourselves. (Better said than done, I know!)
You have my prayers, my love and my support! (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
joyful: I don't know how you do it, but, I have some feeling about how it feels. My DW spent 20 days in rehab in a nursing home this summer (broken ankle) and I can't even describe how it was to come home to this empty house and be alone. Just terrible.
I don't relish the life I have as a caregiver, but, that is even worse.
Lord, forgive me, but I can't think of anything I'd rather have than 24 hours alone. Does that make me a bad person? I can identify with most of the comments above. I am tired, I am cranky, I hurt and nobody cares and I forgot to say I am sleepy. I have days when I think I can't do this anymore and then a good day comes along and "YES", I can. The good days are getting fewer in number. Pity Party going on here big time.
Yes, dear Bama, you are definitely rotten!! Bad to the bone!! <grin>
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all get together and have one GIGANTIC pity party? Hugs to you friend, maybe tomorrow will be a good day. At least if it's not, you know your friends are here to listen and tell you how wonderful you are and that you are doing a wonderful job taking care of DH and we hope you get some rest and a few minutes alone-time.
Dear Rotten Bama, I wish I were your neighbor so I could help you out a bit. I know it's not fair that you cannot be tired, cranky and hurting in peace because your responsibility for your DH is always there, overshadowing your own needs. Dear lady, I'm sending you a big bouquet of caring and concern, a gentle hug, pats on the back and a "there, there."
I feel like I could write a book on this topic! or at least a long article.
I agree that the nights are the toughest with DH in the nursing home, and I'm ashamed to say that alcohol helps me get through the worst of it. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be!
I know the feeling of wanting him out of the house. A year ago I was there, exhausted from trying to take care of him, even with adult day care and a part time care worker. With working full time, and the kids to take care of, I just knew I couldn't care for him myself. He's completely dependent now, so I know the NH is the best place for him. But I remember feeling a bit "relieved" when I didn't have to worry about his day to day care anymore. Not long after that, the loneliness set in.
I have a house full of kids and my youngest even sleeps in bed with me at night. But I still feel completely alone at times. I think about how DH and I had a little "joke" that he was my "other half" (someone who didn't know us called him that once when we were just dating, and it stuck)
When I'm at my worst, I think about how true that feels. I feel like I'm only half here. And I'll never be "whole" again.
Wouldn't a "pity party" be great?! "Talking" about it with you all is a huge help.
I`ve gone to that pitty party many times and it does make you feel better go ahead and cry, scream and what ever you need to do , my nights are so lonley and it is hard to make it sometimes , I call one of my girls and cry to her I`m sure she doesn`t like it but she is always there for me, I don`t like to drink but the food does make me feel better, trying hard not to do that anymore, gained to much weight, I used to say I can`t wait for dh to be in a nh but now the lonleyness has set in and I still have my pity parties, here`s hoping we can all come out better people after this is done.
joyful* - I can feel your pain already and my husband is still in the nursing home. Like most everyone, I actually looked forward the him going to the nursing home to relieve the 24/7 load off my shoulders. It has helped and as I said in another thread, we do have some quality time together. But when I look ahead to "after" as so many here do, I am afraid that when "after" comes, I will have as much trouble adjusting to not going to the nursing home as I did adjusting to him being there. I hate to think about what my life will be like when I no longer need to go to visit with him.
Thank you, dear friends, for your comments..As y ou can tell, it is 11:00 pm here and I have been asleep but am now wide awake. I realize that so many of you are living a life of aloneness even if your d/h or d/w is still with you. I realize that no one can solve my 'loneliness' but me and I am now resolved to try to fill my life with activities if at all possible.
You all have helped me by giving me support and sympathy . I sit here at my computer and imagine you somewhere in this vast world experiencing similiar emotions and if you can survive I can too. I survived 10 years of caregiving and can now get through this continued journey that eventually we all make alone.
Seneca wrote: There is nothing in the world so much admired as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage.
May God give us the courage to bear our unhappiness .
joyful: Your last posting was beautiful. You are right - We are all out 'there' wherever that is. It sure helps me for all of you to post your feelings. Maybe, I just don't like to suffer alone.
I think you all were hard on Bama. (Just kidding). She sounds like a human after all. Maybe a bit spoiled and rotten, but, I think all ladies should be that way. My DW certainly is, but, I blame her Daddy even tho it is really my fault.
Hope Bama is feeling better and that all of you have a better day today than yesterday.
Dean..I love all of you and I am trying to keep a positive attitude and not always succeeding. Most of you know I have a good sense of humor and that is the reason I loved being told I was rotten to the core. As the oldest child I never had the spoiling and being fussed over. Every 18 months a new baby arrived and I was responsible for taking care of the last two. All I need is the energy to get through the day. Dean have a good day and keep me in your prayers.
Bama: Hope you haven't accepted Texas Joe's offer yet cause maybe I could make you a better offer. I hope I'm not to late cause you can have at least two men, and maybe more when word gets around, fighting over you.
Dean, Bama is a true Southern Lady..and in the Instruction Manual for how to be a "Sweet Potato Queen", where special Southern women are allowed FIVE men in their lives, we read the following. "The basic five men each woman should have in her life are (1) a man who can fix things, (2) a man you can dance with, (3) a man who can pay for things, (4) a man you can talk to and (5) a man to have great sex with. The great news is that four out of the five can be gay."
Nancy B: That isn't nice. You have exposed me for the fraud that I am. Truth be known, I have failed miserably at all five of your basics. Some of them tho, I didn't fail at bad at as the others, but, I'm not going to say which is which. I will admit tho to being all talk and not much else.
Apologies also to Texas Joe unless he just wants to join up with me and ol don.
I hope none of this nonsense adversely affected Bama cause she seems like a nice person.
I guess you have also noticed that I haven't learned yet when to shut up.
Dean, I'm too old for Joe. He likes them younger. I want one who dances, likes football, children, and chocolate. Y'all are making my day.Nancy B I am not touching #5 with a ten foot pole. Mary, Arkansas beat our in state rival today and looked good doing it. Ol Don, you still have time to beat Florida and LSU is good at coming from behind to win. By the way we won today. It wasn't pretty but a win is a win.
Bama, you hurt my feelings...at some point, I may have mentioned something about ages, but I have always gotten along better with people older than me. Sure, we ALL might want to hook up with someone younger than we are, but because we want to avoid a repeat of we are going through right now. The risk is lower (except for EOAD) with a much younger mate, that's all. And that is why I have no expectation of a new mate for that exact reason. What younger woman would want to hook up with an older guy, even if he is a great guy? So, can't we be friends?
Still think you'd make a great Sweet Potato Queen, Bama. Clemson had a bye today..thank heavens. Georgia was embarrassed by Tennessee. Where did that come from.
It's not nearly as much fun watching college footballs all alone. Any company would have been appreciated.
Joe, no one in my generation ever used the term "hook up" and that clearly dates me. You still have a lot to give and when the time is right you'll meet another special person.. I'm not sure at 81 that I'll survive this journey but if I do I want to be the girlfriend that eats out once in a while and sees a good movie and maybe goes dancing. Wonder if I can still shake my booty....now that is a comical thought and stop laughing. Oh, yes, and go to the beach on a bright sunny day. Nancy,,,,watching football alone is not as much fun. He did watch a little bit last year but he can no longer follow the action and doesn't seem interested. Tennessee always scared me but I did love going to the Smokies for a few days and seeing the game.
Bama: So it was just pretend, but, for a little while you had the men fighting over you. Hope you got to laugh at us, or with us, for a brief moment and that you are having a good day. I think the 5 requirements that NancyB put on us were to strrict. At least for me. But, like she said, you can still qualify as a 'Sweet Potato Queen' if you want to.
I am sitting here on Sun afternoon watching football by myself. Momma is having a bad, bad day. Hasn't been able to make any sense with anything and has been combing her hair for 2 hours. Just now went to bed. Watching football by yourself sucks.
Hey, Bama and Dean, watching a football game alone is great! You don't have to worry about holding anyone's hand, or listening to their comments, or having to say something back to them. You don't even have to get them anything to eat or drink when you're getting yours. And best of all, you don't have to give them a kiss when they snuggle up to you. And if you're lucky, you'll fall asleep during the game and not wake up until it's time to go to bed....alone. So enjoy...just like I'm doing.
Bama: I think Texas Joe has spent to much time out in the Texas sun and is putting out a lot of hot air. Either that or he is teasing us. I like my version better.
Dean, the requirements for a Sweet Potato Queen's man-needs are spread out to five men. ONE man doesn't have to do it all. Easy Breezy. Just pick the one you're best at and be that guy. I'm a former designer, and I have to admit, I had lots of fun working with the guys of 'different persuation'....Incredibly talented, so much fun.. and very loyal friends. They easily could fill four of the spaces on my list. (grin)
NancyB You just can't let things go, can you? I like that in people, You know that we all want to know which of the four out of five spaces they could fill. As for me, I told you that I failed all five at some point, but, I failed some of them worse than others and I have no intention of clarifying my statement.
Poor Bama = She was having a bad day and that is what started all of this.
Nancy...He doesn't have a clue but he is an extremely nice man. Poor Bama is bouncing back. The rest of the day has got to be better than the beginning. It is soaking wet outside and so was the bed this morning. I am trying to sing "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning".....And yes, the Tide won, and we are #2 in the poll. Rolllllllllllll
When he was at home, I was exhausted, felt isolated, and lonely. My husband became physically ill along with AD, he is in a nursing home. At first I felt relief, I could rest during the day if needed, but then I could not sleep at night, still cannot, alone after 36 years. Living in a small town in Michigan along the lake shore is beautiful, but the loneliness is very depressing. My husband does not know me or remember our history, the sharing is over. The local support group is not helpful, the way it is now. Counciling may help, I will try that. In the end, I will have to be the one that will make the decisions not to be depressed, not to be lonely. My daughter and grandchildren bring joy to my life and I am grateful. I miss the people my husband and I used to be.
foggyday, i see you are new and welcome to this wonderful support group of AD spouses.
many of us mimick your same sentiments. we do have the ability to change and make our lives better if we so chose -sometimes these changes will need to come later after we are free of AD caregiving-we are all so overwhelmed.
jump in any posts you feel inclined to add your own input. we are in the same boat as you and here to offer support and handholding if needed. divvi/Tx
Welcome, foggyday, to this site of friendship, knowledge, and compassion. Several of the things you say are the same as I am experiencing...wife does not know me, remember our history....miss the people my wife and I used to be. But, thanks to starting my antidepressant, loneliness is no longer a factor. I'm sure you will find the support you need here.
Welcome, foggyday (great name!), you've come to the right place. There are many here in similar circumstances to yours, have you been reading here long, or do you need help finding the helpful threads? I'm at a different stage, dh still at home, stage 4, diagnosed AD but now perhaps FTD or a combination form. I come from NW Ohio, near southern shore of Lake Erie, but married a Dutchman and now live in Holland.
Hi foggyday. I agree with TexasJoe. Medication can really help us, the caregiver with our own emotions. TJ was having real depression and I had the same thing several months before. My Dr put me on Lexpro in the morning to give me more "get up ;and go". I had also started trazadoan to help me get to sleep. I used to stay up half the night trying to get to sleep and it was no wonder iI felt bad the next day. I still take both and my emotions are now quite stable. Sure I get down with Carol's demise but I am able to overcome those feeling much easier now that I take some depression medication.