For people with long term health care insurance policies ... those that cover much of the cost for assisted living ... and/or for those financially able to afford assisted living ... I'd be curious to know if/when/why you decided that it was time for your spouse with AD to enter such a facility. I know I want to take care of my wife at home for as long as I am able to do so properly ... properly being the key word. I'm sure most people feel that way about caring for their spouses with AD. Yet, I also know that at some point my wife is going to be in an assisted living facility. When personal hygiene or wandering or any number of other issues become too much for me to handle with her and for her, then I want her in a setting where I know those issues will be handled properly for her.
My husband went into a dementia only ALF when safety became the big issue. Too many calls to the police by neighbors and extreme wandering. It did not go well but with the help of medication he did settle in. I believe sooner is better than later. Much more mental stimulation than sleeping in front of the tv at home. It gives the staff the chance to know your LO as a person with a family. Hopefully your LO will understand the new living arrangement and not be so frightened.
When Jim was home, he was alone so much of the time. He just distanced himself from the "noise" of daily living. He was very unhappy. Now at the NH he is with people for 3 meals a day, engaged with the staff, goes to the computer lab, sits outside on the patio and is more interested in me taking him out. Before placement he just wanted to be left alone. As lonely as I am, I know we made the right decision for lhim. He wanted to go and he knew it was right for lhim.
My brother-in-law had a choice of activities each day ... multiple group activities going on at any given time (game tournaments, musical programs, art programs, guest lectures, etc.) and there were daily trips you could sign up for ... to malls, libraries, museums, etc. And, of course, we could 'sign him out' to take him places. Aside from the meals there, he also had nurses supervising the taking of his daily meds, doctors who visited on a regular schedule to check him out, even a barber who visited each week, etc.
It is an individual decision, but statistics tell us that most caregivers wait at least a year too long to do it. There is a lot to consider - some caregivers have the emotional, physical, and mental capacity to handle more problems than others. And the money. It is expensive to get in-home 24 hour care.
I know that when the time comes for my husband to need all of his ADL's tended to by another (shaving, toileting, showering, feeding, diaper changing), I'm not equipped in the 3 mentioned categories (emotional, physical, mental) to do it. There are caregivers who think they are, and destroy their health trying. There are others who can do it.
All facilities offer different services, and it is wise to check them out BEFORE you need them. It is also important to find a facilility that specializes in dementia. Many ALF's have dementia units. Many do not.
I would suggest checking with Elder Care Services in your area; explain what your wife will need; and ask for a list of places to visit. Log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and scroll down on the left hand side until you come to the link - Elder Care Locator - click that on and put in your zip code. That will give you the elder services in your area.
Gosh, I wasn't even told that an ALF would be an option. I would think that someone with this disease would require 24/7 care. I'd love to think that my husband would qualify for ALF, but I've been told he would need a nursing home. Of course, living in a small town doesn't leave many options.
Ann, that's why I asked about services. There are ALFs here that have dementia units, but as soon as the patient cannot preform some of the ADLs they are required to move. If the move will be soon, then I wonder if it's better to go to a skilled nursing facility right away. Or, we've seen one place where the dementia unit is actually a designated wing of a nursing home. There, the patient can be moved back and forth if necessary with out a great deal of upheaval.
Where I live when a dementia patient needs total care hospice is brought in so there is no need for them to move. A real plus. Care givers and room stay the same.
It really is important to check these places out in advance. We've already done so with the places that we would seek out. But we are among the lucky ones with long term health care insurance, so at least financially it's an easier decision for me to make than it is for many others.
I know in my support group I hear of (mostly female) caregivers who are doing a lot more for their spouses than I think I can do when my spouse's ADL needs increase to a significantly higher level of need ... or, in the case of dangerous hallucinations or dementia episodes, or wandering, should they occur. That is why we took out the LTHC insurance 10 years ago ... we observed other fasmily members who were in assisted living or nursing home facilities. I know that I can probably do a lot more than I think I may be capable of doing as far as caring personally for my wife ... but when her needs escalate, i know that Superman I'm not. And as one person in my support group noted, trying to do more than one should instead of allowing a professional facility with trained staff to take over, may be hurting, not helping, our spouse.
My neighbor's ALS can deal with patients from just not being able to live alone (basically the point she is at) through needing a lot of help with dressing and bathing. That much I have seen from just visiting. It might go well beyond that. As she will need more help the price will go up. Right now she is in a 2 bedroom apartment, but they will move her into smaller spaces as she needs more help and as she no longer can manage the larger spaces.
She gets 3 meals a day, transport to doctor's visits and other things like that, trips and clubs, and maid service in her apartment. A weekly big cleaning and a daily visit to change towels, make beds and just generally check her out.
I'm checking out ALS's that are within continueing care facilities,thenthe patient can be transferred to the nursing unit.Several people I know didn't make that choice and then had to look for a nursing home for their loved one.
I am just beginning the process of checking out ALF's for my wife. I am still torn by the heart vs head dilemma. My head tells me that the level of care that she needs is affecting me emotionally. She does not understand simple directions such as, "Sit down" or "turn around" and my weaker moments I interpret that as obstinence. She is beginning to become actually incontenent on top of the year or so of just forgetting to pull her pants down or to sit on the toilet. She refuses to wear Depends for me. She just tears at them and then gets me mad when it is ruined. I find myself actually resenting the woman I have loved so dearly for 36 years.
Just when I have definitely decided to find a place for her, I begin to think that she is innocent in all this and that she depends on me for her well-being. Then last night I read the post from all of the men who are doing so much for their wives and think that if they can do it, so can I. Several of the posts mentioned their wives being resistant, and that is basically what gets me so worked up. And somehow, the toileting issue seems to be at the center of most peoples' frustration. I can really lose it when I had just dressed her 30 minutes ago and she has a load in her pants, refuses to sit on the toilet or refuses to hold still so I can clean her up. This morning, that meant two showers within an hour.
Many of these issues would be easier if I didn't feel so alone. I don't really expect my sons or friends to be around to clean up her messes, but it would be great to have someone at least express an interest in how things are going or even help with some of the other chores around the house so that I don't feel that it is all on me.
Baltobob, you spoke for a lot of us when you said: "it would be great to have someone at least express an interest in how things are going or even help with some of the other chores around the house so that I don't feel that it is all on me."
If she can no longer feed herself, you might see if she qualifies for Hospice, and they will come to the house Mon - Fird, and will clean her and bathe her for you, and do a little housework, and give you a little respite. We all need respite now. I've been trying to get most of the people here to get some, so that they won't wear themselves out. We must survive this.
There are different levels of care and services offered in different ALFs. Where my DH currently lives, the staff provides 3-4 showers per week, meals are brought to his room as he became unable to tolerate any social settings. He requires assist with dressing and all areas of personal hygiene. He would not sit long enough to eat a meal and took food from other residents plates. He is 68 years old, 6 ft tall and over 200 pounds. Since he is the youngest resident and looks younger than his age, it is strange to see him there. He sometimes throws things and speaks in loud tones. He is kept safe by a coded locked door leading to the outside, and cannot learn or remember the numbered sequence of the code. Techs give the meds and are on duty 24/7. A registered nurse reviews his plan of care. I had a concern that no nurses were actually on duty, but have been reassured as the techs have been trained to provide the care and how to react to residents with his degree of dementia. The cost of this service ranges from 1900 to 3000 dollars per month,depending on how much care is provided. The facility is lovely and he has a private room. For an additional cost, tranportation may be provided. He has been there 14 months and is currently doing well. Not to say we haven't had a few problems, but overall it works for us. The kind of care that he receives and for the money ,it is well worth the cost. This type of ALF is not available in my state. The cost in my state is Much higher than in MS. He is in MS and I live in Tn. Fortunately, with his SS and a retirement fund, it is financially feasible for him. Nursing homes are much more expensive than the ALF. I must say he is doing much better than I am. As you know, after a certain time, a dementia patient has no worries, and cannot remember what troubles and trials are. They live only in the moment. This is a blessing in disguise. Prayers for all of us as we continue down this road.
Buzzelena: It looks like you live North of Memphis, South of Puducah, and East of Jonesboro. That would be in the neighborhood of Union City. How did you get there from Michigan?
Dean, we are about 45 minutes from Union City. Two hours from Memphis - an hour and a half from Paducah. We moved here when my DH retired in 2003 because he had a son here in McKenzie and a daughter in Martin, which is between here and Union City. His ex moved here with his kids when they were 12 and 13 (after their divorce) because she had some family here. I thought if we were going to move south, might as well move here so DH could be near his kids. Now that AD has hit us, I really wish we had stayed in Michigan where my kids are, along with lots of other family and friends. Do you have a connection to Union City?
I visited one ALF on Thursday and was favorably impressed with the facility and the program. On Friday, Mary and I went up to another. The director there is the daughter of Mary's close friend who was the school nurse at Gunpowder. Mary participated in a music program while I talked with staff. I talked to Jen for a view minutes and she had a concerned look on her face when she asked me if I thought I was ready for this. She then went back in to the unit to say "Hi" to Mary and I didn't see her afterward. She called her Mom and told her, "Miss Mary is in a world of her own and is very happy. It's Mr. Bob I'm worried about." So another opinion is in that the time is near. Everyone I talk with is in agreement that I should have no regrets but I do and I will.
The one thing I've learned in these two visits is that the cost is more than I had thought. If I put her in an ALF, I will be spending a couple thousand dollars a month from savings which means that there will less assets to split when nursing home time comes. ( I wish I lived in TN like Jan because ours aren't $3,000. The two I looked at are around $5,700.) I'm telling myself that if I add a fifth day of day care, I can handle dinner and putting her to bed during the week and Saturday and Sunday can be planned around full time entertaining her. I need to learn how to take care of the new toileting issues and keep praying for patience.
The other issue that I'm struggling with is immagining how much of my time will be spent visiting her if she is placed. If I'm going to be over there every day, all day, I might as well keep her at home and in day care until she medically needs nursing home care.
Exactly where I am, Bob. For now I'm holding at assistance a couple of times during the week. There isn't a home near enough that I can just quickly drop in.
The one close to my house is perfect except for one thing.....the price. If I could afford it, it would be my solution. Since I can't, I'll continue as is for the time being.
Bob & Mary, it sounds to me like your spouses may qualify for Nursing Level Care??? Jim is unable to walk, do his ADL's, (washing, dressing, etc) needs assistance transferring to the toilet. Have you looked into this option??
Right now, Mary is unable to dress herself, shower by herself, use the toilet by herself or occupy herself in any meaningful way. She walks reasonably well, can feed herself ( with her fingers generally), and will go to bed willingly and sleep through the night generally until 5 or 6 a.m. How many ADL’s is that? The ALF says that they can accommodate her. I don’t know if she could be certified for skilled nursing care. I had not even considered assisted living until recently and to their credit, ALF is a more cheerful place, there are more activities and most residents are up and about and not sitting in wheelchairs. The way Mary’s disease has been progressing, she will probably be inappropriate for day care in another year and I will need to make a move because I know I can’t do this 24/7. If I wait until then, she will probably be inappropriate for ALF.
As I type this, I find myself prepared to argue my decision either way. I guess that means that I am profoundly undecided. Either way, it will be a major life change. I am weighing the cost and the “I should be able to handle this” feeling against the facts that I will no longer have to worry about her care (just how to pay for it) and she will be provided for if anything happens to me. Right now, if I had a heart attack in the middle of the night, she would be lost. She can’t use a phone and the new super-duper doors I bought are designed to keep her in. With the regularity that I hear from my sons, it would be Thanksgiving before anyone thought to muse, “Gee, we haven’t heard from Dad for awhile.” Well, I guess the day care people would question why I wasn’t bringing her, but I don’t know how aggressive they would be in checking into it. Watch out folks, pity party coming on.
Bob: My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. I am about a year behind you, but, I am already thinking along the same lines that you are. Right now, I am leaning toward in home care by an individual. Something along the lines of 40 hrs per week @ $10.00 per hr. I know that is a lot, but, in our are, it is a lot cheaper that either assisted living or nursing home.
I'm having a hard time taking her off of our bank account and changing our wills. It seems like I am taking her life away from her - the same as making her a non person and I don't like it. It's not fair, but, the disease has caused it and I should be able to handle it better.
We have to, individually, make these decisions and then live with them.
It's not any easy decision, in fact it is heart wrenching. Just remember you didn't cause this disease and you can't stop the insidious progression. Each new situation and stage presents new conserns and problems. Nothing is easy. Bob, I placed DH over a year ago and can honestly say that for a very long time, I only felt relief. Then the loneliness with realization, he's not coming back home set in and the pity parties began.
Like you I worried that it would be days before anyone discovered us, if I should get hurt, die, etc. He cannot use the phone, remote, etc, or any wash his hands without cueing and stand by assist. He wandered at night, turning on lights, sharpening knives, flushing toilets, taking food out of the freezer and leaving it on the counter. Just on and on and on. I actually slept behind a closed door, praying he wouldn't break the door down or get out and get lost.
I went into survival mode and admitted him to ALF. He adjusted remarkedlly well. For a few hundred dollars more the spouse can also live there. I'm sorry, I just can't do it. He is 67 and I just turned 64. He still recognizes me but doesn't remember when I've been there and unless he's looking at me, doesn't know I'm there.
We all have to make the right ( ? ) decision based on out situation and just hope for the best. To the caregivers out there who can do this 24/7 and maintain mental and physical health for extended years, I applaud and admire you.
I still have problems acclamating to social circles. This is a trial that has lasting effects. I just try to keep learning new things, get up, get dressed, and get out.
Try to have a good day and look forward, taking each day as a gift and making the most of it.
We all can certainly sympathize with anyone having to make these dreadful decisions. each one of us will have to weigh the pros/cons and act accordingly. bob its sounding as though your patience is wearing thin and you are indeed needing her to be placed in the ALF. if our mental and physical health is failing due to the wear and tear of daily caregiving then its time to make the excruciating decision for them as well as ourselves. ,most of us will have to make this decision as well at some point. and yes the breaking point does seem to be the incontinence stage. i can tell you its horrible and in the beginning you will question your sanity but as time moves forward its just one more event in the life of AD. some days i give 3 baths within an hr. haha. it makes you want to scream out loud-
hope you find the solutions that work best for you. divvi
Remember that Divvi LOVES water........and washing is her pasttime......and she is our Queen!!!!!!
On a more serious note, the ALF near our home also has a AD hall, so he could be moved there, after I could no longer manage. There are a lot of things we don't want to do. I don't want to lose every penny I earn and that we have by giving it to a nursing home, as long as I can continue to take care of him with the help of hospice. We have bad days...and times when I think "I can't take this any more" but then morning will come, and a new day, and I'll go one more day......Having Hospice Hospital and no longer feeling guilty about it is saving my sanity right now. 5 days and nights a month to recoup. And he comes home as he went in....no set backs. But assisted living is a dream beyond my means.
Divvi, I, too, have given three showers within an hour. My patience wears thin when she can not understand or follow directions. ( Her aphasia is both expressive and receptive.) Therefore, a simple mess in her pants escalates as I try to get her to sit on the toilet so that I can remove her shoes and then carefully pull down her pants. She won't sit and through the struggle the mess winds up down the leg, on the floor, oops, stepped in ...
Sometimes she won't hold still for me to clean her and so it's off to the shower with a stern admonition, "Don't you dare sit on the bed." (Of course, she has no idea what I just said.) Yesterday, I had her really looking great for church when I had to administer the above process. I wound up so frustrated that I decided that God doesn't need us in Church. We drove to Western Maryland to see the leaves and shop at the outlets. We spent all day with one bathroom break in a family restroom at Harpers Ferry and no further issues. She wore the same Depends to bed that I put on her at 9:00 a.m.
These issues were what had me looking into ALF last week. Then I read posts from all of you, including the guys, who are going through the same thing and wondered how bad a wimp I was if a little poop had put me over the top.
This dovetails with the one above about What can your LO still do in that I need to add that she has a beautiful smile, loves to kiss and constantly says, "I love you."
These are pretty much the reactions from others in my support group. I know this will be SUCH a difficult decision when it come time to pull the trigger. As some of you have commented, I, too, want my spouse to be with me at home for as long as possible. But I also know my limits and I think that an ALF is definitely in our future when I no longer feel capable of handling things on my own. Many group members have home health aides for several hours or days during the week. I'm not sure I'd want aides in my home ... yet another decision to face somewhere down the road! Anyway, thanks to all of you who posted comments in response to my question! As Joan indicated, we each have our own limits emotionally, mentally, and physically. I admire and respect those who feel they can do it all ... especially when toileting becomes a daily issue. I know I can't.
Enjoyed reading all of your responses and comments. It is now at the end of the day, and I am ready to move my schedule of placement up to tomorrow. But, I reread Bob's experiences and have to admit that mine pale when compared to his. I've been there, but, that part has gone away for now. So, I'll just do what Mary does, and do this "one more day".
I was reminded also of something Jan1945 said about socializing. I have found myself so thirsty for companionship and social interaction, that when we get to go to some friends or family, I find myself almost dumping DW off on them so I can enjoy myself. Shame on me.
One last confession. My DW will buy anything and everything at a store. Since she can't be left alone, I have to take her with me to the store. She has been buying a lot of greeting cards and wondering where they can from when we get home. Needless to say, they never get sent to anybody. Anyhow, I have started putting them back on the shelf at the store - not the shelf where they belong. She never misses them, but, I hope Walmart, Walgreens and Kroger will forgive me.
I probably can't convince you that I'm really not a bad person, but......Will the excuse of 'we do what we have to do suffice' ?
Absolutelly, Dean. I too have been guilty of putting stuff back on the wrong shelves -- at our fairly small village supermarket. Usually I keep him busy getting the certain few items that he always gets (bread, wine and cheese) but once in a while he escapes and puts sugary stuff in the cart. Dh never notices when I stash it somewhere but the staff probably have an eye on me by this time!
Bob--Did you get the word that the daycare will shower Mary? I realize this wouldn't help on the days she's home and has an accident, but it might come in handy sometimes. Also, I believe it was Briegull who suggested giving an Immodium (OTC med) per day to help keep things easier with incontinence cleanup--you may want to consider it if appropriate--I know I'll do this when the time comes.
It's to stop diarrhea but some of us have found that, given once a day as opposed to after each stool as you'd do when you had diarrhea, it can work to firm up stools, establish a routine time. The meds they take can frequently mess up routines. Immodium is part of the traveller's kit for "montezuma's revenge" or whatever you want to call it.
All that said, there are limits. Last night he had a blow-out just before going upstairs to bed. He was more upset than I was.
Bob, my situation is similar to yours. My wife needs help with dressing, brushing teeth, toilet, etc. If nothing is going on she just sits in her chair and sleeps. She is incontinent of urine unless I take her to the toilet every couple of hours. I can't predict when the bowels are going to move - usually at the most inopportune moment, such as after dinner at our retirement Inn while I'm trying to have adult conversation with someone. Taking her medicines is getting to be more of a problem. I grind most of her pills in applesauce. Sometimes I have to feed it to her. There is one pill, glipizide for her diabetes, which she has to swallow whole. I gave it to her this moring about 1 hour ago. She is dozing off in her chair with the pill still in her mouth. Nothing I can do will get her to swallow it. She holds it between her teeth while drinking or eating something. I have been thinking about Assisted Living, but it is very expensive. If I start paying for that we will be out of money in a couple of years. I have an appointment with a representative from Hospice tomorrow to see what additional help I can get. The only help I get is that she goes to an adult day care center 3 days a week, and they give her a shower there.
Marsh, have you asked the doctor whether the glipizide could be replaced by something that you could grind? My DH takes glimipiride, and the pharmacist told me it was OK to grind it.
Marilyn, thats funny you would mention that. I was talking with Jessica from the day care yesterday about all this and that (the showering) is one of the things she mentioned. The showering itself is not a problem except that it is only way I have to be sure she is clean back there. Once she goes in her pants and won't sit down for me to clean her up, the shower is a necessity even if it is the second or third time that morning. That's all I meant about that. By the way, I also found out that she is on a kind of probation in that if she continues to give them a hard time about sitting down on the bus the rest of this week, I'll have to pick her up in the afternoon. I explained that I'll do what I have to do, but it's the little things like the convenience of them providing transportation that may help me want to keep her at home longer.
Marsh, it sounds like we are in similar places. Mary doesn't have problems with pills yet (thank God, since she takes so many) and sometimes I wish she would sleep more when she is home. I have to watch her at all times because she will wander around the house and find trouble. She has left water faucets running, played with anything in a pump bottle including my shaving cream, torn open packages of bread or snacks left out on the table, and, of course, gone to the bathroom unsupervised. All in all, these are minor annoyances not worth $5700 a month to resolve.
Bob--Steve attended other daycares for 2 1/2 yrs and the transportation was always problematic, for one reason for another. Since we live too far from the current one, I take him and pick him up (that's the reason for only two days a week). I have been pleasantly surprised that it actually is no big deal--I just stay in the area and get things done in between. It's better than having to deal with the hassles I used to encounter, and he does seem to go more willingly with me in our car than when the bus used to pick him up.
Marilyn -- I drove and picked up Mary three days a week all last year because we are outside of the catchment area. It is a 25 mile round trip and takes between 20 and 25 minutes. That means I am driving 50 miles a day and losing almost 2 hours of "my time". They agreed in September to meet me at a nearby park and that has proved beneficial to me. You are right in that she does ride with me better than on the bus. I also appreciated being able to see the staff every time and also get to know some of the other members and their families. So I won't be crestfallen if she gets kicked off of the bus.
I don't know if you can guess where she goes, but I live closer to Bel Air and the day care is close to Timonium and Cockeysville. I did use some of the dead time to shop in that area and on the day I had a support group meeting at Alz HQ in Timonium, I would kill the whole day rather than go home and come back. The point is that when we do this we wind up losing our freedom for the day. Now that I'm ready to have her go all 5 days, that would be a major hassle again.
Dr. appointment today to follow up on how well the Depokate (sp?) med did for her anger & agitation. A disaster, just like the Lorazipam was. AFter 3 weeks on this stuff, I took her off 3 days ago and she hardly cries or says mean things anymore. She ALMOST cooperates when I try to get her to do something. So - I'm at the end of my rope. I've never quit anything and have been hell bent on taking care of her to the end. However, I just can't do it anymore. It seems that every day she is doing worse. Her balance is so bad I think we are getting close to where she will start falling and hurting herself. My son is also at the end of his rope helping me. Will be getting an official referral to the nursing home from the Dr. today. As surprised as he was at her functioning level at our last visit 6 wks ago, he won't have any problem referring her. She will go into the same ALZ home where she's been going to daycare since May. VEry nice facility, awesome caring staff. With my job soon coming to an end, relocation is highly likely so taking the opening at the home right now just paves the way and will make things go smoother. No telling when the next opening will come up at the home. She will be much better off staying here where she has family and friends (who never visit her), than taking her and placing her somewhere where we don't know anyone. Thenneck
Please DO NOT consider it quitting. You are not quitting. When you've done the best you can, and you can't do it anymore, it's time to hand the job over to the next level of care - care in which you will oversee and be involved in. We are not superhuman, and cannot do the impossible.
Theneck, I agree with Joan. You are not quitting at all! You are being a good caregiver in providing the appropriate care for her NOW. Before you were providing that care at home, and now you are going to be providing that care in a nursing home, which is what is better for her. Your caregiving is not stopping, just going to the next stage. Most of us will be there, and there is NO GUILT. There is PRAISE for doing the best we can for our loved ones. You are doing a GREAT job.
Stay with us, and let us know how she does, how you are doing and also your son, who has been wonderful throughout this.
I was reading your post and the first thought that came to my mind was how a football team WINS a game. The person in charge is the Quarterback. Right? It's HIS football and he picks the plays.
The ball is snapped...and the ball is in his hands. Entirely up to him...what to do...
He looks around, considers all his options and odds are, he decides that the best way to move ahead and WIN is to pass that football to another player who is in a better position to catch it and move it forward.
Isn't that similar to what we do in caring for our precious spouses. We've been calling the plays all along, but inevitably, the time will come when we realize that we have a better chance of winning the game if we pass (the ball) (her) (him) on to someone who has a better chance of moving it forward.
This isn't worded very well - because I don't "speak football very well". It's meant to show that as the Quarterback on your Home Team, you are doing what is best. If you held the ball all the time, chances are that the outcome wouldn't be as good. No Quarterback wants to be sacked. If we hold the ball ourselves too long, the odds are that many of us will be. That's NOT the best thing for the rest of the team (our spouses).
When a Quarterback passes the ball, have you ever thought he was a quitter? I don't. He's doing what he knows is best, under the circumstances.
Bob, I know where Mary goes because Steve now goes to the same center. It is a 20 minute drive for me each way, but for only 2 days a week, it is no problem for me to stay in the area all day. Just yesterday I did a lot of shopping and met friends for lunch. I also get the car worked on, run errands, and have even found an exercise class at the Cockeysville Senior Center that I want to try out. I agree that for 5 days a week, it would be inconvenient. I would imagine that there may be daycares in the Bel Air area, but based on our experience, it will be hard to find another that is run as well as they one they attend.
Don't know how you feel about this--on he days he does not attend, I have an aide come in to our home for 4 hrs to give me a break. The combo of daycare and in home help is working, for the time being. Perhaps a similar setup would help you care for Mary until you are emotionally ready to move her to an ALF?
Nancy B -- That was a good analogy. I can't think of any retorts to the value of accepting help, so I won't try.
Marilyn -- If she gets kicked off of the bus, we'll probably run into each other some afternoons. The Marketing Director from Arden Courts was to come to the day care on Friday to observe Mary. I just hope that agreeing to that did not open up an all out sales pitch. We'll see. Since she is going four days with the possibility of a fifth extra day, the weekdays are a piece of cake. This weekend was typical of my indecision. Saturday was a combination of disasters beginning with a soaked bed, her refusing to sit down for me when I needed to change her before we went out for lunch. (I just gave up and made lunch here.) Today was marvelous. She was in a good mood all day, was dancing in the shower, sat with me while I watched the Ravens game and beamed whenever I would cheer. ( Had alot to cheer about today.) I could take care of that Mary forever. We even smooched on the couch during the commercials.
I'd be curious is Steve could tell you how Mary does in day care. I know that she is becoming one of the less capable members but I'm hoping that she enjoys the familiarity of the staff and other members and gets something out of the structure.
So, back on topic, the Assisted Living issue is still alive but I am not ready at the present time.
Bob--Whatever Steve would say may or may not be 100 percent bull! Between his confabulation (making things up) and intermittent communications difficulties, I have the best chance of understanding him when I already know what the answer should be.
I have some contacts who can fill you in on Arden Court from a consumer/professional perspective. If you'd like, please put your email in the contact thread and we can talk.