I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. Does your spouse act the same as mine? Do you act the same as I do? Do you handle it better than I do?
Joan, no one else is married to Sid. Only you have a spouse that acts the way Sid does! <grin> That is not to say that he is unique, but he is outgoing and loved to make the decisions! He wants to help you, you lucky dog! <grin>
My husband is the silent type (now it is literal!)and would not have voiced his worries, he would just expect me to handle it. (my boss does too, now that I think about it!)
I don't like/won't explain myself - I just do the job that needs doing. If they ask, I say "it's done". If I need help, I ask. If I don't, then let me be. But that is just me.
As for selling your car, go to www.kbb.com and enter the information and it will tell you the bluebook price for your car if you sell it to an individual, or use as a trade-in. I've used it before and it hit the nail on the head for me. Good luck!
Oh, dear, dear Joan. How I wish I'd known then what I know now. How many times I lashed out at DH in anger and impatience--things I have to forgive myself for because, really, truly, I did not understand, did not know what was happening. I write my monthly columns now, giving advice I dearly wish I'd had. I'm so smart now, I was so dumb then. Why do we each have to learn it all the hard way, hurting our LO's in the process. Even if we had an instruction manual, I think we'd still have to stumble thru it. It's just impossible to believe until it happens to you. But your day-by-day blogs, including your professional background that fits in so well, are incredibly valuable helping those going thru it today to get a better grip of its reality. Wish I'd had such help then.
yes, Joan, I'm right in there with you. He's farther out of it all than Sid, I think, and he is totally unaware of most things that I am dealing with -- and I've learned not to remind him. But there are mountains climbed every day:
We have a security gate at the end of the driveway that needs to be closed at night. It was always Siem's job. He still feels this responsibility when he thinks of it (about one night in three). We have a new intercom which can close the gate at the touch of a button. He does not believe in it. He has to: - put on his shoes since he usually taken them off in front of the TV - put on his jacket even if it's a warm night - find the gate opener (remote ) and his front door key - walk half way down the driveway so he's sure he can see whether the gate closes properly (I can see it from the window and he has better eyes than I do, but ...) - close the gate with his remote, watch it close, come back to the house, take off his things, assure me that the gate's been closed, put the remote in his drawer. I just thank him for it and put him to bed. He feels safe having closed the gate.
If he forgets to close the gate I NEVER remind him, just push the button on the intercome after he's gone to bed.
Joan, you hit the nail right on the head! Mountains out of molehills - that's what my DH does with almost everything. I don't handle it well some of the time. If he's trying to do something - I will usually try to walk away and just let him fiddle with it until he asks for my help (sometimes he does) or gives up in frustration. This is one of the most frustrating things I have to deal with I think. I know he can't help it and I try to remember that, but it sure is hard to do!
What all of you need to remember - THEY STILL NEED TO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE CONTRIBUTING - however, it is a pain in the rear most of the time, because they will get to where they do it wrong, and it will take you longer to fix what they do than it would have taken you to do it in the first place! But, we MUST preserve their dignity and make them feel needed.
You are all to be commended!!! Jeanette, I loved your story!!
Yes, Joan. My husband makes mountains out of molehills; yes, I'm sure it has to do with deterioration in his executive functioning; and yes, I snap at him. I'm trying hard not to, but I still do more often than I should. I'm sure that you do better than I do, because he still seems so good so much of the time.
This is the main reason I think he has progressed from MCI to Alzheimer's - but the tests in January said his executive functioning was very good. I'm not sure how much worse it has gotten since then.
You do it. You don't say, I'm going to do it, you just do it. You present it as pretty much a fait accomplis. I think we really are telling them a lot of stuff because WE want validation for our actions, but we're just stressing them.
Remember with kids. You did NOT say, this is Monday and on Friday you have your doctor's appointment and he will probably give you a shot but don't worry about it because it probably won't be much and besides that's not till Friday. You simply took them to the doctor.
Joan - your blog reminds me of my granddaughter today (age 3). When things don't please her, instead of thinking through she acts on impulse which usually is not acceptable. She did it today and I hug her, asked why she was angry (I wouldn't give her another piece of turkey stix), then explained how doing naughty things because she is angry is not the correct way to deal with her anger and a few other things. Not sure how much soaked in, but she has no executive function when she wants something.
Janet, my husband was MCI in January and by July was EOAD. When under stress his executive function is worse.
Joan, for me it's more like a crater that I fall into spinning round and round going over and over the details of how we are ever going to accomplish getting to the dentist today and the dermatologist tomorrow and the podiatrist on the 14th of Oct. I finally told him I will only discuss today's appointment then tonight I will talk about tomorrow. I try not to tell him too far ahead but then I get accused of keeping things from him. I just bought the book on how to speak AZ. I can't wait to read it. I hope I learn the language quickly.
If I tell DH about any appointment or any event that means we leave the house, he gets 'ready' and is waiting on the porch or IN the car right then. I'm learning as we all do, I guess.. to keep from trying to tell him about things until its nearly time to do them. A constant juggling of estimating the time it takes him to get ready (he's very slow) against having him pacing and ready several hours or a couple of DAYS before its time to leave. If accused of keeping things from them.. I guess we can say we just 'forgot'.. I used to put things on the calendar so he could SEE or be shown the appointments etc.. He doesn't look at the calendar. He also doesn't check messages left on the machine and but even so.. if the accusations start.. I can get out the calendar and say SEE? or play back the message and say..see? Even if it doesn't help him comprehend anything, I think it helps ME to be able to point at something that validates what I'm trying to get done. If that makes sense.
Yes, Judy we need validation too. The calendar, however, is my downfall. He's having trouble differentiating from month to month, why there are black numbers and red numbers (weekdays vs weekends) and goes back and forth between the newspaper where he finds today's date and where it corresponds on the calendar. And round and round we go. He'll spend a couple of hours doing this. It's one of his activities for the day.
My husband locks everything up and pulls down all the shades. I can't see into anyone else's house so pulling down the shades is totally useless and makes the shades break earlier than they normally would. One of the doors, the one to the garage, should not be locked because that is how the paramedics will get into the house without breaking down a door if I push my panic button. I try to remember to UNLOCK it once he goes to bed.
In the Summer I would open all the doors and sometimes a window as well as soon as he was in bed to cool off the house.
My husband will also write down the day and date every day from the newspaper to a notebook. He wouldn't believe me that he had already done it one day last week. Wanted to know where Wednesday's newspaper was on Tuesday.
It is what it is. Doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me nuts.
One more thing. I've stopped telling him about most things until just before it happens. That was very hard. I tend to think out loud. Can't do that anymore. I ALWAYS checked things out with him while making decisions. If I do make a mistake and let him know that something is being decided, I pay for it. So I can't do that anymore. It is one of the hardest parts of caregiving someone with dementia.
I think you were talking about our spouces making mountains out of molehills, but I find am a bigger offender. The big things of schedule and activities has long since disappeared. But I still seem to make mountains out of some very small, insignificant things like cleaning dirty dishes with dirty kleenixs and nothing I can do will ever change that. I just need to followup after her efforts and put them in the dishwasher but no!!! I try to show her why that is not the right thing to do. It makes me very frustrated. I have known for some time that she does not understand simple words like salt, knapkins, trash can, etc. And then I try to solve the problem which I really know is impossible. But I keep trying and make a mountain out a very simple but very aggravating little thing. I'm the hardhead. Some of you have LO's that still have some conversational ability and their actions can be redirected. But no longer with Carol. She talks all the time and I don't understand very much of what she is saying. But I try not to make a big mountain out of the molehill. Do we ever learn something so simple?????bill
billeld, my husband does that too. And keeps wanting to dry out the sink with a brand new clean towel. If I catch it I'll put the towel in the towel hamper so I can wash it. But I know I don't always catch it.
My DH uses his napkin on the table after we have eaten and then does the kitchen counter tops!!!!!! I think he is starting to have a problem with daylight. If I am not in the living room he will close the shades before it is dark and turn lights on. I know the days are getting shorter but they aren't that short yet :-)
Judy, my DH does exactly the same. Yesterday his friend was going to pick him up at 2 pm and DH was waiting with his jacket on and everything ready minutes after he called at 10 am. In a way it was easy because for once he didn't want to go along grocery shopping. He didn't want to be gone in case Friend came. I thought this had been dampened a little by the Risperdal but it surfaced again yesterday.
I have always felt that communication was so important in a good marriage. I have had to change MY behaviors in that regard. I can't tell him anything ahead of time because he just can't handle it. I wait and tell him right before the event. He follows along - so far. I also feel guilty when I have set something up that he will not be able to be successful at and then realize that it is my failing, not his - he can't help it. I can take steps not to put him in the position where he will fail.
DH doesn't make "Mountains out of Molehills" but he can sure give you more information than you ever wanted to know when he tells something! He's like Tennysons Brook.
Nancy, there's no way I'd move to the States as long as Siem is alive, for one thing the health care here is good and completely covered by our insurance (I never see a bill, although that will change if he eventually has to go to a nh -- but even that is quite afforadable). If he does have to go to a nh, there is one in our village, one in the next village 2 miles away and at least 20 in Rotterdam, all within bicycling distance. His family and one of our sons are all close together here, whereas my family is spread out over the states. And we have good friends here, I sometimes feel that this whole village is my support group. Probably I'll never leave. I love the cultural life here and the public transport, the metro stops here in the village and runs to central Rotterdam and the train station, and of course the trains go all over Europe. Hope to travel again, also in the States, AFTER.
I have a feeling my comment may be too political, but I'll risk it. I'm half watching CNN and half reading the messages here. On CNN they are talking about how the Senate Finance Committee voted down a public option. As I listened to them, I read your message. Stay there!