One of our members brought this article to my attention, and I thought it was so important that I used it as the blog today. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - to read today's blog and discuss here.
What an interesting article that was. I had an episode with my DH recently. We have not had sex for years (he's 86 and impotent). all of a sudden he kept talking about it, and one day, when I went to get him up, he was nude in bed, telling me he was waiting for me to get out of the shower. Well, I tried to handle it lightly, but a few nights later, he did approach me, and I let him. Of course, he was not able, and has not approached me again. I was uncomfortable allowing it, but then, his is my husband. I'm guessing the fact that he was unable, does stay in his mind, way in the back, because as I said, he has not approached me in that way again. I do recall my FIL telling me that my demented MIL had approached him, years ago. I imagine he was so taken aback that he had to talk about it. Remembering (this was 25 yrs ago at least) his embarrassment in telling me that he had not been capable for some time. I guess like his son is now, but my FIL was not in any way demented when he passed away at 82. My MIL, however, did have AD and spent 6 yrs in a nursing home after he died. She died at 89. Who knows what might have happened if she had had the opportunity.
My comment is about the aides abusing the people in a nursing home. What sort of monstrous people would basically torture people like that and call it “something fun to do at work”? I hope they throw the book at these people. Oh, dear--I just read the newspaper article about it. They are charging the abusers with misdemeanors. What a horrible miscarriage of justice.
Jan - I agree. Too many of our youth of today seem to have a 'sicker' sense of humor than our generations. I think a lot has to do with the video games, movies and TV shows they watch.
This morning I told our CNA, Andrew, that I'd put my husband on a (long) wait list for a nursing home because I don't know how I'll be able to cope if he can't get himself up out of bed, use the walker, etc, and he seems to have more trouble doing those things daily. Andrew almost broke up, oh, please don't, I don't care about the money, I'll come every morning and evening and help you move him.. the places around here are terrible, etc. Oh, dear. I got him helping me with the next round of boxes from the attic and that changed the subject, but it does reinforce what I've been worrying about, of course, and yet I know a lot of you feel it's best that your spouse is in a facility.
I still don't know how I'll manage if we have to go into wheelchair mode...
Joan, that was a very interesting article, it brings to light, what is in the back of many of our minds: what kind of treatment are our loved ones really getting in a facillity? are they being abused, or hurt in any way? It is all too scary. We have been checking out some Facilities, just so I know whats out there, I want to be prepared, if and when the time comes....I think I will have another list of questions that I will be asking.Briegull: like you, I hope to keep DH at home as long as possible....
Joan, this article made me angry and sick. No wonder we all keep our loved ones at home longer than we should. I'll bet those young caregivers seemed friendly and caring when talking to the patient's family but we don't know what they they do when we're not there. They know that demented people are not able to report them or tell anybody what's happening and the family can't be there all the time....although Nikki comes close.
I agree with you all. It is scary and disgusting. Some places allow nannycams, don't they? At least the scumbags could be caught and prosecuted, but I would rather see something like they have in ICUs and security stations, where there would be someone watching monitors and could intervene.
Interesting to note, that thus far the part of the article that has been zeroed in on is the abuse within a facility, by employees. No one has responded to the issues of patients bonding and having relations, nor of the spouse who weekly visikted his comatose wife for conjugal relations. I believe a similar question has come up before on these boards, regarding our having/not having relations with our spouses. Who decides the right or wrong of these scenarios? Should facility staff intervene? If so, when? In the case of the comatose wife, should there be intervention? To protect her? To seek help for him? This certainly is a difficult topic.
I believe the staff abuse presented should be prosecuted--and as fully as possible, not just misdemeanor slaps. Had these behaviors be perpetrated on a child I bet they'd be seeing serious jail time. The case with the elderly lady and the gardener, I think was pretty fairly handled--investigated and found enough evidence to indicate she was impaired but still able to be living on her own, making her own choices, but impaired in remembering and comprehension. The gardener's own assessment--poor judgement on his part. I haven't figured out how I'd respond to patients in a facility bonding and having relations. I'm not comfortable with the case of the comatose wife--sees like some intevention is needed and counseling for the husband--doesn't seem to me to be natural behavior. As for us here, we have to find our way, as the disease progresses. Just as with other aspects of their deterioration, feelings, and abilities vary--some becoming hyper in this area for a time, and for many this part of their life disappears. As we disconnect emotionally to survive, many of us lose the desire to engage in relations.
Oh, dear, these are such difficult issues and no real way to resolve them to everyone's satisfaction. My DH and another woman took up w/each other, he introduced her to everyone as his wife. Staff said they'd keep them apart, but I was OK with it, he was happy and I didn't think he was being unfaithful, they were both demented. Staff said she'd bang on his door at night but he never let her in and when they told her he was married, she'd scream, 'no, he's mine.' They said such things go on all the time. Yikes! A man did come into the facility to have sex w/his wife, but she wasn't comotose. At first I was aghast, then I thought that maybe she welcomed the love & affection, who knows. DH also took to roaming around the facility at night and if he got tired he'd get into any bed, empty or not. One man told him to 'get out' but when DH stayed, the man lifted the mattress & rolled him onto the floor. Another time he got into a woman's bed who yelled 'rape.' That was a big deal--had to be thoroughly investigated. He was found 'innocent.' had no such intent as far as they could tell, and the woman tended to often yell 'rape.' And, of course, he'd frighten people when he did that. He was such a wonderful man, what a disease--and go try to explain it to people!
I agree - the situation with the gardner was handled correctly. I liked how that one facility let the people do whatever as long as they felt the people were able to have some kind of awareness. As for doing it to a comatose wife - that is kind of sick behavior to me. I can't see any benefit in doing it with someone that does not respond. He might as well buy himself a manikin to use!
Betty, I think I would be the same if hb was in a facility and 'fell in love' with another woman because my hb as I knew him is no longer there. Fortunately, where my FIL is there are only men - the VA keeps the men and women separate.
It all boils down to what is right for us individually when it comes to our spouses.