I am new to this site. My husband was diagnosed last summer with Alz. So far he is till in the mild range. We have been married 42 years and do not have any children. Part of his problem (in my opinion) is his sister in Ohio. She also has Alz but is a lot worse than my husband. I try to keep him from knowing anything that would upset him or when she calls I tell her he isn't here. He ALWAYS gets upset and agitated when he talks with her.
We live in SC and cannot go to Ohio at the drop of a hat. We went the week before Easter because his sister was supposed to be going to a nursing home and we were going to help her move. Of course she had changed her mind. She doesn't have children either and there is no other family members living. She has a lady from Adult Protection Services who goes whenever and a friend who tries to go twice a week so I am dependant on them for information by e-mail.
My husband has DPOA on his sister but he says he can't do anything from almost 700-miles away. He thinks her doctor should be the one to decide she needs a nursing home and then he will sign the papers. I am also on the DPOA after my husband but right now he is still aware enough that he would get angry if I tried to do anything. His problem right now is short term memory. By the way he will be 80 in September but doesn't look it and other than Aricept he is on a low dose BP pill and a full dose apirin. I am the only one left in my family and I am from England so even if any were left in my family they would be too far away to help.
I apoligise for making this so long but I thought it would be simpler to give all the information now instead of piece meal.
Welcome to my website. No need to apologize for a lengthy post - we have plenty of them. This is the place to find understanding and information.
Take some time to look through the "previous blog" and "articles of interet" sections on the left side of the website - I am sure you will find many topics with which you can relate.
Because you have no immediate family in the area to help, you will need to take advantage of every resource available. Just because your husband is in an early stage does not mean you don't need help coping. Call the Alzheimer's Association 800-272-3900, and find out what support groups are in your area. Ask for a visit by a social worker who may have good suggestions as how to deal with your husband and his reactions to his sister.
Jean21, Welcome to our "venting outlet", thanks to Joan! This has become my home away from home. I have been able to find new friends who understand my feelings, give advice, and let me know what to expect! You will too. I have been married 46 years, and my husband was diagnosed in Feb. 2007, though it was obvious to me at least a year before. At least you are not having to care for your husband's sister in your home as well as your husband! You said he gets agitated when she calls. Is this because he can't help her, or because they argue? The one good thing with short term memory is that they forget the agitation and arguments soon (even if you don't). Do you have access by phone to her doctor to get his assistance in recommending that she go to an assisted living facility/nursing home? I seem to be asking more questions than helping! I apologize for that!
Thanks for the welcome joang and Mary. My husband and SIL have at least one arguement when they are together. They are two peas in a pod. I could call her doctor but if I did that my DH would get angry with me. He doesn't want to make a decision but it seems like he's not ready to give up the responsibility yet!!!
I have been in touch with the local Alz org. and will make an appointment to go see her as soon as I feel more relaxed. My DH has been a pain for 2 days looking for something that he has no idea where it is and it is something I never used. We are going to have to go through everything in his closet and bureau. If we don't find it he will probably blame it on someone he loaned it to and they never returned it.
I get irritated over the things he can't remember and does remember the things from years ago. Sometimes I wonder how I will handle it when things get really bad. We did go and get DPOA and a Living Will and I have spoken to a lady from our church who works at the NH closest to us so I am doing something. Today has not been a good one so far. My husband has gone for a walk so I will try to calm down while he is gone and hope he doesn't go on when he gets back about what he can't find.
Thanks for letting me vent! I did join the group on the Alz site but it seems like most of the folks there were caring for parents. I know many of the same things happen no matter what the relationship is but I feel like I will be more comforatble here.
You're so right, that there are big differences between the Alz site and this one. I read the postings "over there" regularly, for practical advice, but this is where I go for people who really understand what it is like for me.
My husband is still doing reasonably well, too. Things get lost (some permanently, what the heck DID he do with his set of keys ... !?), he asks me the same question twenty times in one hour, has some problems finding the right words, etc. But he is still pretty functional, and I think very few people who meet him have any idea there's a problem.
I adore my husband -- he is the sweetest man, and loves me very much, and tries SO HARD to be helpful and considerate. But there are so many stresses in my life right now, that I sometimes really have a hard time not snapping at him when he gets on my nerves.
Surprisingly, he gets on my nerves much more when his symptoms are milder, not when he's having a bad day.
I think that perhaps it can be a little harder to be patient and understanding with a loved one who is at a mild stage, simply because they can seem so normal part of the time, you forget there's anything wrong and so you react as you would to a healthy person. It's easier to remember that it's the AD when the AD "shows" itself all the time.
My mother had AD, and by the end, had developed almost all of the really bad symptoms. It was much easier to be tolerant and kind by then, because she so clearly wasn't my mother any more. I didn't expect her to respond in a rational manner; I was amazed when she could remember anything.
I'm sure that, as you adjust and learn, you will handle things with your husband really well ... as long as you take care of yourself, get lots of help from any and every source possible (including us!), and don't let yourself get too tired and stressed out.
Now all I have to do is keep telling myself the same thing!
Jean21 - Nice to have another member of our exclusive club! There was a previous discussion about Have to Do it Right Now - something like that, which reminds me of your husband looking for something. It is really extra hard when you find yourself getting mad. I know that is how my day started. We live in our motorhome and my husband can't understand our plumbing. I drove a long ways yesterday to get us to where we are and it is the worst RV Park we've ever picked! Then, we are on the western edge of the tornadoes and the wind has been awful. Still, he can't understand how we can shower and flush the toilet if we don't hook up the sewer connection immediately. Didn't help that my back was particularly painful this morning, but I just gave up and went out and attached the darn thing since that was easier than having my DH ask me over and over why we didn't do it when we arrived. Lucky for him, as soon as he is satisfied he completely forgets it was a problem, but it takes me longer to get back to my normally cheerful self. Regarding looking for things - it might be best if your DH came to the conclusion someone borrowed what he was looking for. If he is like my DH he won't remember that something is lost and then you will be on to another problem.
Since my husband came back from his walk he hasn't mentioned what he is looking for. There is NO WAY I am going to bring it up. LOL. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I think I am going to really like being in this group.
frand, a side question - does your husband ask you five or six times a day where you are going and when you are going to get there? My husband did on the last trip we took. I'm getting ready to try a five hour drive trip, and I hope he is no worse than he was last time. I would stop whenever he started rubbing his legs (at the next DQ or service station) so he could stretch and walk around. When I get home each night we have to find where he left the remotes. He puts them down and can't remember, so he turns off the TV manually! They get obsessive/compulsive over the oddest things too! The dog's leash has to be folded in perfect sections; the pillows on the bed a certain way. Those are things I can smile about!
Mary -ONLY five or six times? I think it is funny that I can answer him and it won't take him a minute to ask me again. Sometimes I amuse myself by thinking of different answers, or a differnt way to give the same answer. I highlight our route on the map, but it still doesn't help. It's a lot easier to be riding in a rig where he can get up to use the bathroom, since sometimes it seems he needs that as much as he asks where we are going. Another funny thing is that he compliments me on how I know my way around, which I could never do if we didn't have the GPS. I hope you get to take and to enjoy your trip.
The last time I took my DH on a trip was two years ago. He was not a happy camper. He ask me over and over, where are we going? When are we going home? I'm glad you know were you are going, because I don't remember ever comming this way. He just could not remember anything. I wish we could still travel, but I don't think he could handle it anymore, or I.LOL He was diagnosed in Feb.07 and he is now in stage 6. There is never a dull moment around here. He acts different from one day to the next. Sometimes one minute to the next. He is still shadowing me, this is been going on now for about 6 months. Even though he doesn't remember most of the time that I'm his wife. But he knows I'm the one takes care of him. He finaly got out of the loosing stuff stage. Only once in a while will he say that he forgot where his wallet is. I am also glad that Joan has site for us. It is so differnt caring for a spouce, than a parent. We have different issues, besides coping with the AD.
Carma, When we went to Ohio the week before Easter I did most of the driving which I had never done. My DH kept saying he didn't remember the names of the towns etc. He kept asking about where we were. I know he thought I had gotten off the highway we usually traveled on. I just kept telling him he just didn't remember because he usually drove that section and didn't have time to look at things.
We stay in a motel in Ohio because my SIL is in a seniors apartment and just has one bedroom. My DH was lost in the motel. Couldn't find things in his shaving kit or the drawer where his underwear was. Sometimes he just stood there looking lost. He was better once we got home and in familair surroundings. Of course he doesn't remember where he puts everything here but he has his own bathroom and can find everything in there.
I am hoping we won't have to go back to Ohio anyway soon. My SIL and I are not what you would call the best of friends and doing most of the driving didn't do a thing for my back. I had to let my DH drive after I had driven for 8 hours because my back couldn't take anymore. He drove 2 hours to the motel that night and the next day 2 hours to the motel in Ohio. Maybe the next time we go to see his doctor he will tell him he can't drive anymore. The only driving he does here is to the barber shop which is less than 5 minutes away but he can't remember where the diferent controls are on the car so I may have to start taking him for his hair cuts.
Compared to what a lot of people are going through I suppose these things aren't that big a deal right now. I have to remember he can't help it and try not to get irritated but sometimes I do. Sometimes I tell him things out of habit and I think afterwards, "Why did I tell him. He isn't going to remember it". I just wonder how I will handle what's to come.
That is my problem too. The current situation means I can no longer go to New York City to see my daughter. She has to come here. He is still doing all of the driving when we are together, but that isn't going to be going on much longer. I'm going to ask the doctor when he needs to stop driving in May when my husband's next appointment is. He is still safe, but I'm not sure how much longer that will be.
I now know what the future will bring. And like Jean, I wonder how I will handle what's to come.
I didn't think about this - but when your LO quits driving you may save on your auto insurance. Ours was reduced, though it might be because my DH is 83 and insurance rates are higher for that age group.
I told my husband's doctor to tell him he couldn't drive any more when he fell asleep at the wheel when we were driving IN THE AFTERNOON to see our friends. It is a five hour drive, and he dozed going and coming back. Each time I asked him to pull over and let me drive and he did. Until he went over to the side of the road where the shoulder is grated and makes a racket if you drive on it, I hadn't been aware that he was dozing! It was frightening, and I didn't want to take any more chances. When the doctor told him he couldn't drive, he took it well (and I took both sets of keys to both cars).
Mary, you mention two cars. I realized that he had no business driving anywhere except the immediate area without me several months ago, and asked my daughter if she wanted our SUV. She did, so we now only have one car. I guess I was getting ready to be able to take the keys and hide them if it got necessary.
He does drive alone to get his morning papers, which is what he does all day. He reads papers. And can go to the supermarket and get a few things. And for some unknown reason, although he doesn't know how to go most places, he seems to be able to get back home from just about anywhere with no help from me. And occasionally he surprises me like the two trips to the Cardiologist's office which is really far away where he got there with only one question at the very end at a complicated exit. Which, by the way he always needed help with.
Starling, my husband's car is a convertible - our adult children had referred to it as Dad's Toy - and he enjoyed it so much! I have my car I drive to work, but when I take him anywhere, I drive him in his car. He loves that I do that for him. He can't manage money (he holds it out forever trying to figure out what to pay) and I took the credit cards away because he was having difficulty reading those too. He put his money clip on the desk - his way of letting me know he wouldn't try any more. My husband seems to be about a year ahead of yours right now.
Jean21, I, too, am new to this site. I love to read the posts and realize that I am not alone in this wild world of AD. My husband is 68 and has been diagnosed with AD for about 3 yrs. Our PCP immediately convinced him that he is not to drive because of lawsuits, and he hasn't, but when getting in the car always goes for the driver's seat. He has a very pleasant personality, but always has. I'm extremely fortunate. He tries to help me in any way possible. But most of the time it takes me longer to explain where/what to do than it would take for me to do the task myself. He tends to get side-tracked or go off on tangents and often forgets what he went to get/do, etc. Take care!
I am new to everyone here too. I have been viewing this site for about a month now. I thought it was about time that I introduced myself. My husband was diagnosed with AZ in 2005. We have been married 36 years. He is 59 and I am 55. I am so thankful to have somewhere to go for information, from others in our same situation. I have learned so much from you already.
Hi Ladies, I'm sorry we have to be here but from the posts we have a lot of caring company. My DH has had his nose buried in the word puzzle book I bought for him last week. It's almost as bad as when he worked. LOL. He brought paperwork home every night and weekends too. Of course you couldn't talk to him when he was working. At least Ican help him find some words!
Welcome to the site and I hope everyone has a calm night.
Welcome to my website. I am sure you will find the support and information you are looking for. We are all on the same journey, and understand each other's struggles as only another spouse can.
Penny and sthetford; Welcome . You will learn so much from just reading everyones posts. I read for a long time before I posted . And I read far more than I post. Nevretheless I either learn something everytime I read or I gain some sense of support. There is no other place that you can talk so openly about your struggles and deep feelings and know that the people here understand and are willing to offer support. We need to be there for each other because all to often on this journey with AD you feel alone..
I did feel alone until I found this web site. It has offered me so much support. There is no one that will understand as well as other spouses going through the same struggles. I hope in the future I will be able to help others too.
Hello to all our newbies. You have come to the right place as you allready found out. And we have the most caring host, she goes to all kinds of trouble to keep up this site. Sometimes with the help of her son.LOL Again welcome.