This is getting to be a long, long journey and through much self examination I've decided to ask you all for your feelings on this subject. My husband used to emotionally and verbally be abusive at times. Now I am forced to make the decision whether or not to take this journey with him and I have chosen to do so. It is made more difficult by the past abuse but I know I, for myself, I will do what I must to be able to live with my consience after it,s over. However this is a subjuect I have not seen approached and would love to see comments of any who have ever dealt with the situation before. How doe one handle the emotion that I am sure you all can imagine I am feeling? Gypsy
Taking the AD journey with a spouse with whom a loving and nurturing relationship has formed is hard on the soul and weary on the heart. taking it with a spouse whom like you have said has been abusive during marriage would make it that much harder- there are others here who have mentioned abusive relationships prior to AD and i am sure they will have more insight into your posed question. as for my own input, i dont think i could have made it where i am today without the bonds that were formed with DH prior to AD. its going to take alot of devotion and forgiveness upfront to make it happen without burning out during the most stressful times. i think thats key- to make peace now and try to let the past go- divvi
My dh has been abusive ever since I've known him. It's just so hard, dealing with him in now his later years, with his history of abuse towards me. I've never known what it's like, to have been in a loving, supportive relationship/marriage with him. I've always been on my own, because he's never been in my corner in dealing with the world. He hasn't been dx yet. I tried this month, again. Got shot down by the doctor. He's on seroquel now, tho, this being accomplished at least. It's slowing him down some in his abuse. It's only been 5 days since he's been on it, though. We'll see. He's making noises of stopping it, the seroquel. I sure hope not. All I can say, Gypsy, is I know what you're going through. It's a touch road. My heart goes out to you.
I wrote a blog about this subject way back in Oct.07, and there is a message board topic on it. We have many new members since then, so I hope they contribute to this discussion. The link to the blog is http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/unhappymarriage.htm The link to the message board topic is http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=66
Can't, JeanetteB. He's complaining that he's too sleepy with the pills, so he'd know if I was slipping him some, due to being sleepy. So far he's still taking them. I don't want to hijack Gypsy's thread, tho. I'll post later on my own thread, to tell you how he adjusts when some more time goes by. Thanks for your suggestion, though. I appreciate it.
Gypsy, has he always, or almost always been abusive, or is this in the last, say, five years? How long have you been married? Are you afraid of him? Has he hit you? Are there guns in the house? It's safe to talk about it here. But our responses will be based on what you say?
Prior th the last couple years he only raised his hand to me once and that stopped really fast when I left for a while with our daughter. We are both well practiced at the gun range but since hi vision has diminished I WILL NOT allow any firearms near us. After 29 years of marrige, and considering that I have always been the lion's share of our income and now he hates me to controll it, but that isn't really an issue for me but he just gets so angry if I don't let him pay the bills with my income. Pride (false pride) I suppose. Resentment I my main roadblock here and I am bitter to say it frankly, about this unfairness. After all , even though he didn't ask for this he got it and so did I but my level of committment is up and down because the thought my leaving him at this point seems to make no sense. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I did the absolute best I could. How can I care for someone I resent for mistreating me while I was the vulnerable one??
You're letting him pay the bills still?? OY VEY!! Hey, guys, can someone find a thread about this and bring it up? FIrst, resentment or no, you need to get all the bills dealt with electronically (tell him the bank has a new policy) and get credit cards out of his hands. And you have to deal with the driving.
Until you get control of everything, sad to say, you ARE going to resent the hell out of him, and I don't blame you. You ARE stuck with him, I think, and it WILL get better eventually - most of us live through a period when even nice spouses get nasty, but you can usually get meds that will HELP with that, and they outgrow it. I think all of us at one time or another has resented the situation we're in. Read, read, read in here and follow some of us as we've gone along the path you're on. Misery loves company so we're always glad to see you!
gypsy, I am facing the same situation. Although my DH has never hit me, he is very dominate and emotionally very abusive. I know in his way he loves me, but he has been really hard to live with. I failed in one marriage, although I don't feel it was my fault, and my X even says it was totally his fault and regrets all of it, I was determined to keep this marriage going. I have always been the one to give in, to try to fix our problems and make peace. We had been married 25 years when he was diagnosed, and at that time absoultelly refused an anniversary party, that was also the first time he came after me. Now, well as they say, the bad traits usually just get worse. I do have pity parties often, recently even wishing I had some horrible disease so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, but most days I look at him and just feel sorry for him. He is truly a miserable person, now more than ever. That is why I continue to put up with all this stuff. Plus, as you said, what if it was me? (Don't think I'd want him to look after me though :-) He has a bad temper, but so far so good. The first time he even threatens, I'm afraid I may just give up. He is much bigger than I, and I wouldn't have a prayer. But to be perfectly honest, I would love OUT!!! Just one day at a time I guess huh? Linda
Gypsy, my husband has always been emotionally separated from me. In 1985, after his affair with a teenager, he was diagnosed 'detached personality disorder'. Supposedly after counseling he was fine, but he still will not show his love. I will say the affection between us was killed when going through infertility treatment - it takes a toll on marriage. In hindsight, there are a lot of things I would change, but can't do it. So, I trudge on day to day making the best of it. My daughter calls me the control freak = I controlled her dad, he was my puppet. She was shocked when I explained what I had learned in counseling - that by his not doing things, leaving them until I did - he was the controlling one. Another painful yet necessary thing I had to face when I was in counseling was that he was a pervert, sexual child abuser just like the men in my childhood. He was no different except he had to answer for his actions. When I told him that, he was in shock but it quickly went in one ear out the other! In fact, from a comment the other day he made I don't think he ever remembers it.
I have had to compartmentalize to get through life. I forgive when I can (forgiveness is for us, not our abuser), then shut in a room. otherwise it will eat me alive. All our 38 years of marriage, everything done, all decisions have been done with him in mind not me. This is him controlling me. If I ever tried to do anything for me he would sabotage it and another dream down the drain.
Why did I stay? After the 'affair' it was because I felt I didn't deserve any better treatment and that no one else would want me anyway. Stayed together for the kids and believed the courts would go easier on him if we stayed together despite him wanting her. After I went through counseling, I felt I had given up my chance/reason for divorce (Biblical reason). Besides we liked to do many of the same things like travel and gardening. I worked, so I did have something outside the house; some communication with others since we rarely talked. And he never shares his inner thoughts and feelings. He has always been very superficial. And I share very little with him. He is typical man - can't just listen, thinks he needs to fix it. I think since this diagnosis we have shared more of our feelings than in our whole marriage, but still very little. When people see us, we hold hands and act really happy. He has been but inside I never have been. I am think I am dead inside - died the day I found out about the 'affair'. He has never said he was sorry for breaking our marriage vows - just that he is sorry. I think he is only sorry that he was caught. I also didn't leave because when we got married after 11 days everyone said our marriage would never last and I didn't want to prove them right. Stupid huh?
As for going through this disease - how will I do it? I have no idea. I do see myself still catering to his needs and that is the way it will have to be. But, I am trying to kill emotions and just go on 'autopilot' like I have for so many years. If I allow myself to think about it, get angry because once again he is sabotaging my/our plans. He promised to fulfill my dreams of traveling and working in the RV. He has broken yet another promise through no fault of his own. With his family history there was no surprise, but still feel betrayed. I have to be careful to not dwell on the thought that goes through my mind - he got what he deserved for all he put me, the kids and that girl through. (that is the bitterness I have to keep letting go of)
Whether I can make it until he can be placed - I don't know. I do know the only way I can make it is to do what needs to be done and don't think about it; don't get emotional. Stuff the emotions cause someday I may be free to see if happiness is possible - that is if I a still alive. He may out live me.
I have been suicidal for all my life that I can remember. I only tried once in high school after a broken heart, but I have gone through cutting and that is something that is an addiction which still haunts me. But, my faith and love in God has gotten me through this so far and it will be what will get me through to the end. I have to believe He has a reason for all the hardships and pain I have endured and someday I will have peace within. That there is a rainbow at the end of this marriage.
I was controlled by DH for more years than I care to remember ,he controlled the kids too when they were younger,chose our clothes because he was paying for them he said,kept me short of money but he always had money in his pocket to go on fishing trips and to the pub which was most nights straight from work.I found out years later he had a 3 year affair started whilst I was expecting twins,was it my fault I was sick or nauseus the whole 9 months of the pregnancy but we still had sex maybe not as aften .That was the beginning of the controlling.he was always one with an eye for the ladies so I suspect there were other women in his life too but it was hard to prove ,he went out of town with his men friends he used to say to see a movie or to a pub somewhere to cover his tracks .Make up on his jacket lapels oh some silly woman had grabbed him in a pub he said ,I even found condoms in his pocket with one missing as I had resorted to looking for clues.When confronted he said a friend was having an affair and asked him to hold on to them as his wife was getting suspicious.I could say a lot more but dont want to be boring you all.When he was 62 he had a stroke and at times I said I wished he had died so I could feel free ,is that so awful .His whole personality changed after the stroke now i was in charge of everything ,it felt soooo good I can tell you.He went so mellow it was unbelievable and we did have some good years ,we went on vacations abroad even though he was in a wheelchair for the latter vacations ,thats when the Alz started with fixations on people in restaurants and in the hotels .He was dx about 7 -8 years ago and cant walk without a frame now but still knows me and the kids most of the time ,he has to be taken out in a wheelchair.We did have carers coming twice a day to bathe him etc ,I placed him last year when the incontinence got worse and i wasnt getting much sleep.I got the guilt trip at having to place him but our kids knew how things had been for me and said it was the best thing to do .I go to see him often,he still has eye for the lady carers ,told me one was his girlfriend and that didnt hurt me one bit, if he wants a lady friend in the home its fine by me.Ive been faithful to him all our married life which is over 50 yrs so my conscience is clear on that subject .I did go out to work when ever i could and used the money in the home and on the kids not on myself.Why did I stay, sometimes i ask myself that question .
And did he go, FayeBay? It must be that these guys have so little control over most things in their life anymore, they grab whatever little thing they can control. This sounds petty indeed.
Charlotte, you are showing that you can control your own mind and find your own inner peace. Don't let him deprive you of that. Don't wait till "after" but look for (maybe small) ways to enjoy life now.
I wish we could 'share' more than cyber support. wish we could supply those of you who are more submissive in nature and personalitie a bit of internal support. i have never been submissive nor unspoken. that may be why i have married 3 times.
if i dont like what i see into a marriage i walk away. sometimes it takes years to get to the point of seeing things you dont want to live with anymore. it can be a major flaw or salvation. in my case it has worked out for me. i learned alot thru living the experiences. i finally found my match with DH and fell head over heels but to say he is without fault wouldnt be fair. its easier to deal with flaws on both sides if love is the underlying factor.
i know all of you have your reasons for staying in a hard marriage. its a personal choice. just remember what made you stay now thu all the heartaches of the past and take on the caregiver roles now shows what your true personality holds. we are all deserving of a better and satisfying life.
i hope our sharing these stories will improve on that and hopefully somewhere in the future all of us will find that happiness again. divvi
After reading the searing thoughts you dear ladies have shared I want you to know how much I admire you. I think our generation put up with a lot because we didn't know any different. I raised my girls to think for themselves and they are better off because of it. I wonder who will be the caregivers of their generation?
I was talking about this with my therapist yesterday--he said he doesn't know how I do it when I don't feel that my DH enriched my life. Perhaps he did, but the frustrations are so strong in my mind because the dementia has made all of his pre-existing weaknesses (such as organization, initiative) get worse. So I remember the negative parts of before dementia. He wasn't abusive but rather not very competent and off in his own world. And not willing to make the effort to meet (or even see) my needs. So now I am making a huge effort for him, and he complains that I'm not affectionate.
Yet I feel my path is to care for him, and probably to keep him home even when he could be placed. I say that I want to be a role model for my kids so they will treat me well when I get Alzheimers in 30 years (it is on both sides of my family). There isn't anyone else to care for him, if I don't do it the emotional burden will fall on our late teenage kids, and I don't want to do that to them. But mostly I feel like I have been given this difficult mission, I don't know why, and I will do my best by it.
Wow, my hat is off to all of you who have posted about having troubled relationships and choosing to take care of your spouses. I'll be honest, I can't imagine myself doing it. Seeing the level of sacrifice, exhaustion, and how plain tough this job is, even when we had an incredibly wonderful marriage, I don't know how it is possible to take on this responsibility when the past has not been good. When people tell me I'm a saint., etc., I respond by saying I'm just doing what you do when you love someone. I feel it's those of you who stay and take care of abusive spouses who are the saints.
divvi, you sound just like me. My grown daughter told me once...."I'll say one thing for you Mom, you don't put up with s**t for long." Life is too short. Twelve years ago, I finally married my soul mate and now this happens. Doesn't seem fair, but life usually isn't.
My therapist asked me if my relationship with my husband had ever been life-enriching for me and I said I don't remember it being so but maybe my memory is biassed by recent years. I had a chance yesterday to talk with a former therapist, and I asked him whether 10 years ago my relationship with my husband was enriching for me. His answer was that he remembered my frustration with my husband as a significant place of growth for me. I'm still pondering that idea. You mean a relationship might have been a good experience for me because of what I learned from it even if it wasn't fulfilling?
I don't believe God would want anyone to stay in a truly abusive relationship, but I think we do have an obligation to stay married in many cases. I wouldn't describe my husband as abusive, but he can be very difficult. Before I became a Christian (about five years ago), I seriously considered leaving him, although I would have hated myself for it. Now I'm determined to stick with the marriage. Admittedly, he has only mild dementia and he's not abusive. He can be paranoid and unreasonable, though. God bless this discussion group, which has helped me to figure out ways to avoid direct confrontation without becoming a doormat! Celexa (citalopram) has improved his disposition, by the way. The other thing is, before I was married I was pretty carefree - healthy, able to do interesting work - and I wasn't particularly happy or contented! I had painful relationships, strained relations with my family. I was easily bored! A theologian once said, "People don't so much long to be happy, as they long to be holy." It's not masochistic to want to stick by a difficult spouse - it's the right thing to do, in many cases, even though it's difficult. But we all need help! And we are obliged to do everything we can to warm our souls, to love God and love the life He has given us. I think that's what we mean when we remind ourselves to look after ourselves - it's really to look after our souls.