This will surely sound crazy to some but others will understand completely. The man I married and loved for 30 years is gone. I tried to love the AD out of him but it did not go. After that I tried to love him with it and I could not so at that point I was drowning in despair, anger , hate and frustration. At that point I was killing myself trying to fix the situation. At that point I thought I could accept dying with him more than living without him. Then after one of his nastier days I had a thought. It was that the ugliness of AD threw me a life boat as I realised I COULD live with out the meanness and cruelty and the person who now stands there who is clearly not my husband and PREFFERABLY sooner than later (hmmmmmm...) And oddly the disease gave me back my clarity and perspective and my right to have choices.
I know what you mean. That cold wall builds slowly, till there is nothing left emotionally for DH. When mine passed, I had to deal with a lot of guilt because I was so relieved. But then I learned that was normal. What I was feeling was relief that I did not have to live with AZ anymore. About three months later I started missing my "real" husband and still do. And life does go on, but it is real work to make a new life. When you are on duty 24/7 as caretaker, it is hard to figure out what to do with all the time we have on our hands after AD. It's real hard to center on yourself. The best thing is that it is so peaceful. Hugs to you
Thanks gypsy, after just getting into it with my husband, who is being, well his usual self and being hateful because "I just never listen to him, I do it on purpose and he is tired of me", I came in here to "breath" for a minute before I completely lost it. He says ugly things, and when I try to get him to calm down, by saying "now honey, you know I wouldn't do that on purpose, I'm sorry", his favorite response is. "I don't want to talk about it anymore", and he means it literally. He won't talk now for...well we'll see. Anyway, then I came ready to cry my eyes out, I happened on this discussion. After reading it I know I have to get where you are, in order to survive, cause right now, well we won't go there. Anyway, your post gave me the strength to try to change the way I think. Thanks again, Linda
I totally understand what you are saying. And Bluedaze is correct, this is the only place you could come & pour out your true feelings & find understanding.
I understand what you're saying, but for me it's kinda like accepting a constant loud noise because it feels so good when it STOPS! The distance between me and my husband was caused by AD, I'm sure.. it's gone now and we're close again, but without AD it would never have happened.
He tried to kill me over the whole not driving thing. I decided to survive. I called the police.
It changed everything even though there has only been the one violent episode. I recently reread my journal entry about the episode. I'd remembered the choking that made me hand him the keys to the car so I would survive. I forgot the kicking and punching.
I put a line in the sand. One more violent episode and he was going to the hospital, and he wasn't coming home. Oh, and he has never driven again. I certainly was not getting into the car with him, and my intention was that he wasn't taking my brand new car out into the world without me either.
I have not ever admitted to these feelings to anyone, ever. Boy, it feels good! I gain strength every time I come here and thank all from the bottom of my heart. You are all angels, guys.