After years of being a caregiver, talking to other caregivers, and reading everything I could find about caregiving, I thought I had seen or heard just about every subject that could possibly come up. Several weeks ago I was proved wrong. In Ann Novick’s weekly column about caregiving (caregiving in general, not about Alzheimer’s caregiving specifically) I found a topic that really surprised me. Actually, it was more like being hit in the head! I’d like to know what other people thought about the topic, if you’d care to comment. (links to the articles are given below, if you’d like to read them)
The first part was about a caregiver wife attending a party on a cold, snowy winter night. Her husband was in a wheelchair, and she had to drop him off at the door and find a parking spot several blocks away and hike back in the freezing cold. All during the party, she played the part of the “husband”, getting drinks and attending to her spouse. After the party, she left her husband in the lobby with the wives, and made the trek back to her car, where she had to clean the snow off the windows before driving back to pick up her husband.
I thought the Part 1 on this topic was so good, that on a good day, I asked DH to read it. His comment was: “Didn’t any of the husbands help her?” I was stunned by his question, because I am so used to doing everything by myself that I didn’t even SEE that aspect of it. I found myself thinking about this later. Why didn’t any of the other husbands help her? Any of the OTHER HUSBANDS? Does that mean I’m a husband now? I actually was thinking like that. Suddenly, the topic of “the loss of femininity” really hit home with me.
The second part is about being so overwhelmed with caregiving, and no longer having a husband who appreciates your appearance, that you just let things slide. I shared this with a good friend, and the next time I saw her, she said that she noticed that one day when a lot of stressful things had happened and her husband wasn’t home, she never even got around to combing her hair. She was shocked. I didn’t tell her that there have been many days that I haven’t combed my hair! Dealing with a lot of major things can sometimes just knock everyday things out of your head.
I do find it hard to think about femininity when I’ve basically become the “maid of all work” at our house. With so much work and responsibility, and absolutely no money to work with, I do feel like I have lost the feminine aspect of myself. I wonder if anybody else has similar feelings or experiences.
http://www.jewishpress.com/pageroute.do/39933/ - The loss of femininity, part 1 http://www.jewishpress.com/pageroute.do/40008/ - The loss of femininity, part 2
Wow! Jan, you are absolutely right. Like being hit in the head. Although I hadn't really given it deep thought, I realized lately that I have been doing something I NEVER would have done a year ago - Going out without eye makeup. I have never worn face make up, but always eye shadow and mascara. For the last few months, I have been going on errands, to the bank, even to doctor apts. without my eye makeup.
They were very thought provoking articles. I'd like to hear others' opinions.
I have put make-up on twice in 2009, not much more in 2008. You hit the nail on the head. Part of the problem is that when you cry, your make-up runs. I remember coming home from work at noon and having to fix it because I had been yelled at on the phone by DH at work and cried. This was one reason why I do not use eye make-up anymore.
I always take my three rings off during hunting season so I don't lose or damage them. (wedding, mother's and promise) Several years back, I didn't put them back on. I also don't dress up any more. I used to wear stockings and a dress to work some times.
I remember the time when DH was working on a carburator and couldn't remember where the parts went. I came home from work in dressy pants and he did not want me to take the time to change. He actually got quite vulgur when I mentioned that I wanted to get into some older clothes. He pretty much "made" me go to the garage in my work clothes and help him. He commented later that he couldn't believe that I was in the garage in those nice clothes; like I had a choice at the time.
I think that I have evoloved into no make-up and dress-down clothes because I just don't feel like doing it. It really doesn't fit my life style anymore. DH does comment when I dress up but I just don't take the time any more. May be because it's just not fun anymore.
When I worked full time, I would get up and shower, do hair, makeup and get half-dressed. Then we always had coffee in bed for about an hour. When I stopped working full time- I continued this ritual and we do it still. Every morning when I come into the bedroom to get his coffee poured, he will compliment me on my hair, or something. This has never stopped. I do not go out anywhere without some makeup, hair fixed and decent, although casual, clothing. This is the one thing I DO FOR ME. It makes me feel good about myself and I need that. If I get to the crying stage, I may have to make some changes with the makeup, however. LOL
Everyone is different and at different stages with the disease and that would play into what you do, too.
I still want to have a life "after". I hope I'm preparing for it.
I've never worn makeup, just moisturizer and a little lipstick when I think of it. Nowadays Dh is usually hovering around when I'm trying to blow-dry my hair, and this flusters me so I don't always take the time to do it well. Not the most important thing in my life right now. And it's been so windy lately that it blows all over the place anyway.
I'm maybe a little too vain to give up on trying to look decent. Not that I use makeup, but I care what I wear (even though that's jeans and a girl t-shirt) and I groom. Still, as to performing all the prototypical "husband" functions, yes indeed! I taught my children to drive, automatic and stick, I do all the household repairs of which I am capable, and can use quite a few power tools, including a table saw and tile cutter. I am the contact when we've had contractors, I take out the garbage, I do all the finances, pay all the college tuitions. I pump the bike tires, clean the basement and garage. Well, now I pay people to cut the grass. But I used to!
The main thing I notice is that, sometimes, there are certain societal expectations about how couples will interact and play things out at restaurants, at the wine store, etc, and when the husband still looks fairly normal, but isn't...the degree to which I'm running the show is often perceived as unattractively overbearing by people who don't know any better. I guess they think he should be standing up for his rights or something. I don't know. I'm actually very pleasant, but people sense who's the alpha dog and some of them--especially men--don't like it when it's the woman.
I still wear makeup and fix my hair even when staying home. It was the first part of the article that I identified with. I let my DH out at the door when we go somewhere and then I have to go park, sometimes in the rain and sometimes quite a distance away. I'm also the one who gets his food at a buffet and have to go back through the line to get mine. Somehow we gradually get used to doing these things and don't think too much about it until it's brought to our attention. Sometimes I long to be taken care of again.
I don't think anyone sees any loss of femininity in y'all. In fact, just the opposite...you are stepping up to the plate in showing the nurturing and caring things one must do for a loved one.
Emily, I have seen the same behavior coming on with me for many years. In the beginning, he would just sit there and act nervious at a family get together and not get up and get his food. I would mention that the food was ready and he would say that he would get his in a little bit. I would eventually get him a plate before I got mine becaused I loved him and I cared. Lately, he has asked me to not get his food for him. I tell him that if he doesn't get his own that I will get his, so he has been getting up and getting it. As for the fixing and other stuff. I have always tried to do what I can when he isn't around as when we do it together, there is always tention. It get done much easier and quicker if I just do it.
I know that there are male members of the family who look down on me for taking over. But, I never let it bother me. DH will always mention it if he would rather be doing it. like with the eating thing. It funny but he doesn't want to be a burden for the food thing but will not see a problem with me taking out the garbage and many other things that I do.
Thanks, Joe, for you kind comments. I have always told my DH that I don't mind doing the easy stuff since he always did the hard stuff. Easy stuff being taking out the garbage and getting him a plate of food. Hard stuff being changing the oil and roofing the house. Not all men see it your way. But, you know, if they weren't in denial, they might see it differently.
I guess I am too vain, I would not think of going out of the house without makeup or styling my hair. I know this is probably going a little overboard, but, I will put lipstick on to cut the grass. However, I am not afraid to get my hands dirty, and have more than proved on many times, while my husband either watched or took a nap.
Good articles! I decided early on to do my best to keep up my appearance, as Vickie said, for myself. There is so much else to be depressed about, I don't want to add looking into the mirror to the list. Granted, it does take time and effort and in the end, adds to the everyday "chores" that must be done. But, I guess I think it's worth it if it keeps my spirits up. In the beginning, my husband's doctor said he would do best if I would, to the degree possible, "keep his life like it was before". I think that applies to me, too. A tough job in both cases!
Kadee, my mom was quite a lady and would also put on her lipstick and eye liner before leaving the house. Even if it was to work in the garden. I was her "problem" child who would eat with my fingers and not so much of a lady type. It drove her crazy trying to raise me, I'm sure. We always loved each other although we never really had a mother/daughter relationship. When she became ill with colon cancer at the age of 56, I was her rock and, because of our loving yet distant relationship, I was able to keep a more open mind in regard to her care, etc. Boy did I get off track with this one.
Any how, from us tom boys to you ladies, hats off.
Mary, I was always a tom boy, played football, baseball, basketball, etc. with a whole neighborhood of boys & 1 other girl. Played softball on a championship team as an adult, but always wore makeup.lol Had my eye blacked by ball, shirt torn off at the waist & busted my lip trying to catch a ball in the sun. lol Funny thing is my mother never wore makeup in her life, wore stripes & flowers together, but always had to have those clip earrings on.
I was one who never left the house without hair and make-up done. Then as things became more difficult with DH I didn't have the time or energy to be bothered. Then I found that when I did, I felt fake. I remember thinking to myself, I feel miserable, why am I trying to pretend different. So I stopped doing the make-up. Recently, as I've seen Jim search my face for signs of how I AM, I've begun to wear it to look nice for him. I also hit the clearance racks at Walmart this week and found several cheery tops for $3-5.00 each! I've been watching them being reduced and finally grabbed them :o) Jim has noticed and even complimented me on looking nice ( something he rarely did before). I still wear my jeans with them (black for dressup ;o) and my Teva's, carry my LLBean Backpack, but I do look more spiffy!
I don't go out of the house without make-up on. And, if I don't have on my earrings (pierced) I feel naked. I do dress very casual tho - shorts capris, or slack.
Kadee, I was always scared of the soft balls and physical sports. you were much tougher than I was. I loved building things and hunting and motor bike riding. Mountains in general. Oh my gosh, Carolyn, I can't remember when I put earings in last. My favorate Aunt sent me a string of pearls last year as a surprise gift and told me that she even wears hers at the beach, Hawaii. I called and thanked her and reminded her that I don't have any beaches. I did wear them to work and dinner a couple of times. I need to get them and the pearl earings out. I think it would be fun. May be tonight. My husband and I were invited to dinner at a great place for him helping a friend build a house (most of his work is unpaid but it keeps him busy).
I'm a feminist. Haven't shaved my legs or pits since probably 1975, never wear makeup, wash my hair, towel dry it, and braid it damp (I do have long hair). No jewelry ever except a wedding ring and a cross and medic alert tag on a leather cord as a necklace. On dressier regular days, when I teach, I wear khaki pants and hawaiian shirts and clogs or clunky sandals. I was always the one who had more handyman skills, though I'm not on a level with some of you who fix cars or lay tile.
My husband and I had a very equal relationship. For years after we had kids he did all the cooking. We always each did our own laundry and he did the kids' laundry. We were both academics with flexible schedules so he did an equal share of driving kids to school and activities. I did the family organizing--that was always his weak point--and the majority of the finances.
So I have no problem with doing traditionally male activities or taking a traditionally male role. But I strongly feel that the agreement on which our marriage was based, the agreement that we would share equally the work of keeping our home life running, has been broken. I feel forced into a more traditionally female role (a role that I had rejected) because now I am responsible for almost all the daily household work (we do have a cleaning person who comes every other week).
I don't feel that I have stopped taking care of myself because of how I dress, but I am very disappointed that my husband's illness has gotten in the way of my ambitions to do an ironman triathlon. I do still run, swim, and bike and I did a couple of short races this past spring, but I don't have time to train for a longer race.
The article bothers me. I do believe that we each should find the way through life that works for us as individuals. But the article takes situations in which women are showing strength and focuses on how they feel loss of femininity instead of how they feel proud of their strength. I know well that doing all the work is a drag, but I do believe that we become fuller people as we develop both our male and our female sides.
Actually Pam, I would agree with you vehemently that women developing all sorts of skills, regardless of "traditional" gender expectations is a fine thing, and something every woman owes to herself. Competence, that is. No, it hasn't lost me an ounce of femininity to be the handyperson. I guess the opening post just made me think more of how I'm sometimes perceived in public, and how I am both the father and mother since I have to take all the roles and jobs, regardless.
I still feel feminine even though I have assumed the "power behind the throne role". If I wanted things to happen I had to pave the way or things didn't happen. I think it is wonderful that a woman can be a handyman or whatever as well as cook, etc. I think it is wonderful that men will do cooking etc. to be a partner in a marriage. My husband was raised to never do anything about the house and unfortunately we proceeded to raise our son the same way. He thinks a woman's place is in the home and he is the bread-winner. They are raising their daughter to be a housewife and mother even with a college degree. They don't think she should work after marriage. Not sure what will happen if there is no husband.
I also feel naked without makeup and it is one of the first things I do mornings. However, due to dry eyes and allergies I gave up on mascara and eyeliner years ago. I would love to have my eyebrows tattooed because having them darkened and shaped makes me feel more feminine, especially since I can't wear eyeliner and mascara. I love being catered to and having a door opened for me, but at the same time I enjoy "being in charge".
Actually, none of you have lost their "femininity", nor more than I lost my "masculinity". I think what we lose is our self identity, and no longer have time to care about what at one time was very important.... I noticed at times that I did not shave for 2 days, or did not get a haircut for two months...did not have time to change into my "preppie" clothes, and often neglect things I once was meticulous over. So ladies, you are not losing your femininity...you are simply too tired, and too caring , nd too frustrated to care about yourself the way you once did. Think of it as battle scars...
And you have not lost anything with this disease....just think of the things you have gained.
If I'm going shopping somewhere, I'll put lipstick on in the car - and wipe much of it off so it's not too bright. I've never been much of a tomboy - I'm poorly coordinated and always say I flunked badminton - but I learned to do a lot of the daily stuff around the house long ago. I'm very much in favor of women pulling their own weight in a marriage, and thank heavens I did! I worry about my Harvard educated DIL who's still an at-home with her only child in fifth grade. I don't think I've ever considered my "femininity" since those long formal dresses in high school. I too enjoy being in charge. And my husband always expected me to be - of the kids, of our house, of our social life, of my own job, of my own travelling. Still does. Has yet to shadow, thank heavens.
I was a single mother for 21 years between being married to my children's father and my DH. I worked very hard, I ran a company and a household. Learned how to start a car parked overnight in an open carport by warming the faulty "coil" it with a hair dryer, had any and every tool a guy would want, and still kept my nails done, dressed as well as I could and held my head high. I have a problem with separating feminity and ability to do a man's job. Like most of you, I enjoyed having someone open my door, or give me a hand when I had to take a big step!
What I have a problem with is women who are insulted when a man opens a door for them or extends them a compliment. It doesn't 'take away', it only 'adds to' what makes us what we are. I have problems with the women who are convinced that if they are to be taken seriously in business, they have to behave man-like. I was very successful in my business, thank you. I delighted in being able to demonstrate my business intelligence and my understanding of the 'art of making a deal' without sacrificing who I was.
What disappoints me is that as his Alz. disease has progressed, I have had to set aside the 'me that I used to be' and acquire a different type of competence and skills. I chose to be the Me I used to be............but not the one I AM today.
If I had chosen to become a doctor or a nurse, I would have studied and become a good one. As it is, I have had to learn as I go. This is probably the most IMPORTANT job I have ever had, aside from being a Mother... and neither job came with an Instruction Manual.
I have been feeling this way for a long time. I don't feel very feminine. My DH doesn't even notice me that way. I have tried everything and...nothing. I have gotten to the point that I am going to just look nice for me. I know how she feels about playing the part of the man. I have been making decisions about matters that usually the husband makes and when I tell him what I did he just looks at me like I have three heads. But he doesn't see me as a woman, I don't know if that is the beginning of him not knowing who I am or not but... I cry a lot about the death of my being his woman and partner.
well said Phranque. I don’t feel I have lost my femininity at all. In fact as I was hanging the door, sharpening the lawn mover etc etc...I told the kids, I am woman hear me roar! LOL. My Grams was a firm believer that a woman needed a man,that you were nothing without one. My Mom rebelled and proved her wrong ;) I am trying to raise my niece to be strong and self sufficient. I am also teaching my nephew to sew his own clothes and he cooks too! I don't think that is male or female, it is just good, well rounded survival skills.
I nevr thought about losing my feminity until I read this thread. I still don't know if I have or not. I do know that I handle EVERYTHING around here. If I don't fix his meals, he doesn't eat.
What I do know is that I don't feel pretty. I used to feel pretty. I haven't bought any new things in ages. I wear waist pants around the house and sweat shirts with collar and some form of decoration on the front.
I no longer wear makeup because I can't see to put it on. I can't even see my own hair. I do comb it and try to feel how it looks, but, I have no idea what I look like.
I kind of wish someone would tell me I look nice or pretty. I do wear nice clothes to church and I put a little powder on and some lipstick but that's about it.
Franks's post--one of his rare serious ones--hit the nail on the head. I agree that it's our identity--not masculinity or femininity-- that gets lost, or at least, put on hold. I guess the trick is to not bury it too deeply, so that once this is over, we can find ourselves again. I, too, see self sufficiency as a total plus, and a boost to my self image as opposed to a loss of femininity. Perhaps those of us who came of age in the 60's or later, when the women's rights movement got started, are a little more comfortable doing the traditionall "men's stuff" than those who were born earlier? I don't know, maybe it's just a personality or life experience thing, regardless of age.
Men's stuff?? OK how about women stuff, such as cooking, cleaning, caring, feeling, and having the ability to sit on a pedestal?? NO one loses femininity, but rather gains unique talents of the "other sex". For women, they learn to cope with the "unused" skills that their husbands had, and for men, they gain the domestic skills in order to survive. I look at it like gaining and becoming a muchh stronger and better person, and not losing my masculinity. Yes, I often helped with the domestic chores, changed diapers and helped where I could, but it was never my "job". I did the man thing, and took care of the cars, lawn, maintenance, etc, and my dw excelled at the domestic part. But with eoad, I have tried to step in to the feminine side, and without any training, I can now say that I can cope with it, although I will never excell at it. So ladies, never think you are losing your feminine side just because you don't wear makeup like you used to. Beauty comes from the heart and radiates from within, and when you care for an ad spouse, that beauty is apparent and shines through. I apologize that this is not phunny, but the only thing funny about eoad is me.
Frank, a wonderful, insightful post and I thank you. You pretty well said it all. And you are not only phunny but oh so very caring and sensitive. If I wore a hat, it would be off to you! Thanks, so much.
I didn't know what to say about this thread until right now. Before I understood where this disease was going to take me I went out and bought $200 worth of cosmetics. Not for every day because it has been years since I wore the stuff every day, but for the parties that are part of living in an active senior community. I also bought a frilly black skirt and top to wear to the dances on the deck that I knew were going to be happening in the summer.
Never got to wear the frilly black skirt. Never wore any of the cosmetics. Didn't get to go to any of the parties. I had knee surgery the summer he was still pretty normal, so no dancing then. By the following summer we weren't going to the community parties, not even the big Christmas event that we had always gone to.
Did I lose my femininity? No. I just lost any place where I could wear pretty clothes.
Starling...congrats....just because you don't use cosmetics does not mean you lost the feminity...u are so right that you just lost the place to use them....and just because I don;t wear my tool belt and wear an apron does not mean I lost my masculinity either. You are dead on right on target!
Mawsy - "I don't feel pretty" pretty well sums it up. I talked with another woman at the nursing home the other evening. She is 81 and looks several years younger. She is always well groomed and very well dressed (and obviously very lonely). She walked by me in a particularly nice outfit and I said "you look pretty". She said "I don't feel pretty" and proceeded to sit down and tell me her story about her husband's diagnosis and placement and her difficulties with it. I listened as only one who has been there can and recommended this web site but she does not have nor does she know how to use a computer. We all need to feel pretty sometimes but it is hard.
I was talking to a friend of mine today about this very thing of looking pretty. I was wearing a very fancy dress, too fancy for the occasion that I was wearing it for and I asked her if it was too flashy. She said that if it makes you feel pretty you should wear it. I told her that I never go anywhere that would be really fancy so this is the only place that I could wear it. It did make me feel pretty! It is so easy for us to not think of ourselves because we are so busy taking care of our loved one and my DH barely notices that I even exist as a woman. I am a caregiver and that is about it, or at least that is how he makes me feel. I know that it is probably not his fault but that doesn't change the fact that it would be nice if he would tell me that I am pretty. I don't think that is going to happen.
Ehamilton, you probably made her day. Good for you.
Dh will (still) smile approvingly if I put on something nice to go out, and ASK him: Do I look OK? AND, he often walks up behind me to push the tag of a shirt down where it belongs, if I've had a hasty morning trying to get off to the kitchen before he does to crush pills or something. And he'll sometimes (but not always) remind me that I still have a curler on top of my head when we're leaving the house. So I guess he still looks at me sometimes!
I think it comes down to what do we do for ourselves that makes us feel good about ourselves. If it is make-up, hair, clothes - go for it. Nicki's comment about "hear me roar" is so apt. We are all learning to fill roles that feel strange and uncomfortable. We are heros because we do them and have learned.
One of the things I used to love to do is wear my hair different each day. I no longer do this as I try to look the same each time I see my husband to help him recognize me. He always liked to see me dressed up and didn't like jeans so normally when I go see him, it is in a skirt, hair done and make-up. Its an effort, but he always reacts to me. What has also made it fun is that many of the other residents like to see what I am wearing too.